Monday, May 31, 2010

This is one way to move up in the MMA rankings.

I don't know shit about mixed martial arts fighting or its participants, but by definition I would assume that they are all sorts of badass.

Jarrod Wyatt.
Killer of Satan. (If only!)

Jarrod Wyatt has proved to be the baddest of the bad by ripping the heart from the chest of his training partner, Taylor Powell. Unfortunately, because it would have been the coolest thing ever, he didn't do it like one of those cheesy choppy-socky Hong Kong kung-fu flicks where the guy reaches right into his opponents chest and pulls out his still beating heart.  No.  Jarrod did it the old fashioned way...with a knife.  Not only did Jarrod cut an 18 inch hole in the hapless Mr. Powell, he also sliced out his tongue  and removed a majority of his face.  Jarrod then cooked the body parts on the stove.  Man, those have got to be some one-of-kind crime scene photos.  

What could cause a man who does violence to other men for a living to take the next step to murder most heinous?  According to witnesses, Jarrod was hosting a little hallucinogenic mushroom tea party and Taylor forgot to bring the crumpets which enraged our crazy cage fighter.  Just kidding.  Actually, Jarrod had a bad reaction to the psychedelics and began to realize that his buddy was a vessel for Satan himself.  What do you do when faced with Beelzebub?  You fuck him up with a knife...Big Time.  

Mr. Wyatt has been charged with aggravated mayhem and torture in addition to first degree murder.  His lawyer is pleading that his client had a psychotic break presumably exacerbated by the 'shrooms.  Would any of us be surprised if anabolic steroid abuse turns up in this whole mess?  

In my personal drug history the chapter on acid, mescaline and mushrooms is a very short one.  Didn't like 'em much.  Too unpredictable.  You want to go slow?  Barbiturates and opiates.  Want to go fast?  Cocaine and speed.  Want to just get mellow?  Weed is what you need.  You pretty much know what you're going to get every time, except for those pesky occasional overdoses.  But acid and all that psychedelic shit?  Spinning your brain sideways like an uncontrollable top is a good way to take a header right off the face of the Earth, Bro'.  

Disclaimer: The Funeral Guy does not condone and in fact downright advises that you stay away from all mood altering substances including legal ones.  

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Happy Memorial Day

God Bless all of our heroes.  The living and those no longer with us.  We owe you what can never be fully repaid.  We will never forget.

The Columbarium at Arlington National Cemetery.
Miss you, Mom and Dad.

The shit some people will do.

At one time I might have been shocked at this kind of behavior.  But then I saw that MTV extravaganza of guido fuckery, The Jersey Shore, and now nothing coming from the Garden State would surprise me in the least.

In Haddon Township, a 17 year old student took a dump in another kid's soda during shop class.  Even the dumb fuck jokers that ended up in shop class back in my day never pulled anything this simpleminded.  The victim took a sip of the poopy potion then immediately spat it out to the great merriment of his fellow lunkheads.

The cops and prosecutors were less amused with the coprophiliac cretin who eventually pled down from aggravated assault to a count of tampering with a food product.  Tampering?  That's a nice way of saying you gave a guy a shit shake to drink.

Ehhhh...So I took a shaduke in some douchebags drink.
Whaaaaatt!!??  Is that a big fuckin' deal here? 

The judge's sentence was appropriate.  Probation and community service which I'm sure this bozo is no stranger to.  But then the judge threw in the kicker.  Write a 1000 word essay on why it's unhealthy to ingest fecal matter.

A thousand word essay?  For this imbecile that's going to be a life sentence.

Teacher of the Year? And how!!! (Teacher/Student sex Pt. 5,678)

I'm a little shocked at this.  I always thought of  female teachers banging students as a white girl proclivity.  Well, I am all for diversity when it comes to this kind of stuff.

Keenon Aampay Hall, 29, is not only one hot sistah, she's the Teacher of the Year at Shiloh HS in Gwinnett County, Georgia.  Her big boy toy was on the football team and she went after him like Lawrence Taylor sacking a teenage hooker with a bag of crack.  She and her schoolboy paramour bumped the uglies in a hotel, at her friend's house and in the classroom during school hours.  Not only that, when she wanted to have a baboo with her teen stud he refused and she lowered his grade.  Now that is definitely not kosher.

  Keenon Aampay Hall
She gots dem bedroom eyes. 

The seduction story as told by the lucky student victim is pretty funny.  From the article:

"We entered the room...then she gave me some vodka and ask me do I enjoy drinking?  I told her lies about being a good drinker, but honestly after one drink I was done.  She began feeling my man parts and we had sex."

For her part, Hall "admitted to having a sexual relationship with the student".  In her statement to the school district she said it was a "consenual (sic) relationship".   Please take note that the Teacher of the Year can't spell the word "consensual".

Keenon's mother, Connie Hall, jumped to her defense.  "My daughter didn't have any inappropriate relationship with no under-aged student.  She resigned for medical reasons, that's what the paperwork shows."  She blames her daughter's problems on stress caused by mouthy teens and pushy parents.

The proud parentals are still wondering why Keenon never got her Teacher of the Year ring and dad Dennis Hall is making noises about a defamation lawsuit because her reputation was destroyed by "the word of one knucklehead."  Uh...Earth to Connie and Dennis...your daughter admitted to doing the shag nasty with her student.  Get a fucking clue, will 'ya?

I, myself, blame the school district.  In her application letter Keenon warned them that she had "a passion for education and working with children."

They should have known that she meant a passion for the sexual education of hunky young football players by working their "man parts" to orgasm.

A clash of civilizations. Islam loves camels. The west loves cameltoe.

Another story to illustrate how hard it is to drag the Muslim faith into the 14th century, much less the 21st.

Those crazy purveyors of Sharia Law in Pasi Jambu, West Aceh, Indonesia are forcing women caught wearing pants into those stupid non-sexy skirts.  Muslim men being so out of control that if they even get a glance of V at the bottom of a women's zipper they'll have thoughts that will send them to hell.  If I was king of Indonesia all skirts would be short, tight and only worn with high heels.  Anyway, back in reality, 20,000 of the skirts are being distributed to women breaking the law against indecent clothing.  I guess those shit nuts mullahs are afraid of starting up the earthquakes again.

I'm sorry, but even if you put Megan Fox 
in this she'd look like a frump.

The women are rightly bitching not because they desire to be Indonesian Paris Hiltons, but just for the utility of pants versus skirts when it comes to riding bicycles and motorbikes which is the main mode of transportation in this particular third world dirt puddle.
Aceeptable Muslim Cameltoe.

This is how we do Cameltoe
in the good ol' US of A.  

In further decrees by the insane Indonesian Islamists, adulterers will be stoned to death and homosexuals and pedophiles will be publicly lashed and imprisoned.

OK.  I'm with you when it comes to the kid touchers.

Look at the body??? Why would we want to do that?

This is really sad.  No joke.

I grew up a Buckeye and this one took place in my old home town.

Long story short there was a mix up between the Franklin County (OH) Coroners Office and the funeral home and the wrong body got cremated.  That is really bad, but it happens.  What makes this one really sad is that the family was preparing for a viewing of the deceased and it was their 14 month old baby boy.  They'd even bought him a little baby tux to wear.  I've dressed a couple of kids in those.  They are adorable.  (Except for the dead kid part, of course.)

The family of little Jaylen Talley is righteously pissed and has every reason to be.  The coroner's employee that started this whole fuck up by giving the wrong body to the funeral home is Angela Summerfield.  Angela has been written up for numerous violations such as lying,  being disrespectful to supervisors and turning in sloppy time cards.  She was rated competent in the handling of bodies, however.  Or at least good enough for government work.

Summerfield has been placed on paid leave pending an investigation.  Paid leave tells me public employee union protection.  Franklin County Coroner Jan Gorniak is all apologies as she damn well should be.

A typical county morgue.
A case of mistaken identity just waiting to happen. 

Now, lets get to the funeral home involved in this.  The Franklin County Coroner's Office may be filled with nothing but clock watching goldbricks and low IQ screw-offs but the ultimate fault lies with the Cook and Son-Palley funeral home that took control of the wrong body.  Their excuse is that they don't look in body bags out of privacy and respect for the deceased.  This is about seven steaming piles of horseshit.  Of course you look in the bags.   You look in the bags so you can check the tags SO YOU KNOW YOU HAVE THE RIGHT BODY AND YOU DON'T CREMATE SOMEBODY ELSE'S LOVED ONE!  Especially if you're doing cremations for 30 different funeral homes.  We have an ironclad rule at our place.  Check the tag and then have somebody else check the tag.

Privacy and respect for the deceased means you don't get a body in the prep room then comment on how nice her tits are or how small the cock is on that one.  The funeral home is just trying to cover its ass from the lawsuit that is surely coming its way.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

I know I'm sick but this is the funniest thing I've ever seen.

This vid is totally viral, but goddamit, I just have to post it too.

I know the mature thing is to cluck cluck cluck and wring our hands and just get all sour and serious.  I'm not gonna do it!  This is the greatest video to hit the interwebs.  I've watched this thing about a million times and I laugh harder the more I see it.  You know what I'm talking about I'm sure.

Yep...the two-year old chimney himself.  Ardi Rizal.  Baby Buddah with the ever present cancer stick.  God, I can't stop laughing.  His father got him started and thinks his little puffing butterball looks perfectly healthy.  And he does.  Until you see his X-ray.

Little Ardi Rizal doing his train impression.
Choo! Choo!

Here it is in case you haven't seen it.

I love the way he puffs away like an old pro.  I can't wait to see his video on his 5th birthday when he's smoking and snorting coke off a whore's thigh with a bottle of whiskey in his hand.  

A child's years pass so fast.  Enjoy those priceless moments.  

Died Today:

Dennis Hopper
May 17, 1936-May 29, 2010
(Age 74)
Dennis Hopper 

I saw Easy Rider in 1969 when I was a left wing, long-haired, hippie rocker.  Boy, those two guys sure could stick it to The Man...uh, man.  When I watched it again a few years ago, I remember thinking that those two crackers with the shotgun might have had a point.  Funny how you grow up and your attitudes change.

Dennis Hopper always had the persona of the wild man of Hollywood in the '70's.  I would imagine that his prodigious use of cocaine and other drugs led to that impression.  Interesting how clean cut he was in the fifties when he started in Rebel Without A Cause.  After his self destruction during that decade Dennis Hopper came back with knockout roles in Blue Velvet and especially Hoosiers which garnered him a Best Supporting Actor Oscar nomination.  He then kept up a steady career by appearing in such films as River's Edge, Red Rock West, Speed and many others.  He also directed the under rated Colors

Dennis Hopper was married five times (also my personal best).  All his wives were hot and included Mama's and Papa's singer Michelle Phillips.  Ironically, for the man who directed the most iconic countercultural film of its era, Dennis Hopper revealed that he considered himself a conservative in his later years.  Funny how you grow up and your attitudes change. 

We were watching online at the funeral home when Dennis Hopper received his star on The Hollywood Walk of Fame on March 18.  We were totally shocked at how bad he looked.  My co-worker wryly remarked, "Shit, we've got people in the cooler that look healthier than he does."  I gave him two months.  Pretty close.  I do know my death.  

From complications of prostate cancer.   RIP.

Died Yesterday:

Gary Coleman
Actor/Security Guard
Feb. 8, 1968-May 28, 2010
(Age 42)

Gary Coleman (and widow)
She's sitting down, he's standing. 

Gary Coleman was the big star with the teeny body on the sitcom Different Strokes which ran from 1978-1986.  I have to admit that I didn't watch the show, but I understand when Gary scowled out his tagline "Whatchoo' talkin' 'bout, Willis?" it was cause for much hilarity.

Being the cultural maven that I am I was, of course, aware of the post stardom shenanigans of the diminutive star.  It was pretty funny when we all found out that he was a security guard.  I mean, he's like 3 feet tall for chrissakes.  And he punched his tall, white wife around too.  Domestic violence is not funny, but come on, you know you'd have paid good money to see that bout on Pay-Per-View.   He also ran for Governor of California in the same recall election that elected Arnold Schwarzenegger.  The field of 135 candidates also included pornstar Mary Carey along with other kooks like watermelon hammering comic Gallagher, pioneering famewhore Angelyne and pioneering famewhore Arianna Huffington.  Amazingly, Gary Coleman finished 8th.  Just behind Hustler stroke book publisher, Larry Flynt.  California.  How can you not take us seriously?

My memory of Gary Coleman will always be of an angry Benjamin Button looking guy.  I'll cut him some slack though, if my parents had stolen a fortune from me I'd be angry all the time too.

Died from a subdural hematoma after falling down and hitting his head.   (If I wanted to be mean I would express my surprise that anyone could sustain such a serious injury by falling from such a short height.  But I won't.)

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

New York a real life Van Halen video.

We have hot to trot teachers at it again.  The latest is Marla Gurecki-Haskins, 37, who, according to the story, teaches on the subject of how great it is to get a blowjob from an experienced cougar.

MILF-y Marla...You are Marvelous!
Her picture in the yearbook makes it a stroke book. 

Marla is accused of giving a lucky 17 year old dude a knob polish IN THE CLASSROOM!!!  Nothing like raising the excitement level of a sexual encounter like the chance of getting caught.  Here is the interesting wrinkle.  She hasn't been charged with any kind of sexual assault because the age of consent in New York is 17.  I'm guessing that the school district probably has some kind of rule against it though.

The lusty educatrix has been charged with a felony count of disseminating indecent material to a minor and three other misdemeanors in connection to sexy-time texts and e-mails to a couple of other 16 year old boys.  Damn.  This babe is really in her prime and has gotta have it.

There is no mention if Marla is married, although the hyphenated name is a giveaway that somewhere  making himself scarce is a thoroughly humiliated cuckold of a husband.  A guy who will have to spend the next few years imagining his dear little wife gobbling teenage boy boner in her classroom.  Ouch!

When you go to the link be sure to click on the slideshow of naughty teachers.  Man...I was born 45 years too early. 

Sunday, May 23, 2010

A chicken in every pot...and free jizz bags in every pocket.

This story is not as bad as City of New York employees retiring at age 50 with $100,000+ annual pensions, but it's pretty bad.  

Holy shit, Funeral Guy, what the hell could be almost as bad as lazy ass unionized government employees?  How about that the taxpayers of Washington, D.C. not only pony up no cost condoms for the horny denizens of our nation's capitol, but now the freeloading fuckers are complaining about the quality.

No.....Durex rubbers aren't good enough for these playas.  They gotsta have Trojans.  And not just any Trojans, mind you.  They wants Trojan Magnums.  You know, the ones for biiiiiiiiiig johnsons.  (If this was any city other than D.C. I'd say these guys were just bragging.  But, know.)  I kid you not.  Go here to the Trojan website and watch the video with rapper Ludacris plugging the Magnums.  (Why Ludacris? know.)  The Trojan Magnums also have more visual appeal to the D.C. demographic because as Michael Kharfen, spokesman for the city's HIV/AIDS administration puts it, "The gold package certainly has a little of the bling quality."  Well, there you go, then.  When I stick my hang low in the stank ho' I want my thing to have dat bling.

Check this quote from T. Squalls, 30, student of the University of the District of Columbia.  "If people get what they don't want, they are just going to trash them.  So why not spend a few extra dollars and get what people want?"  Why not indeed, Mr. T. Squalls?  What's a few dollars more to you?  All you're doing is putting your hand in the jimmie jar.  Let's leave aside the fact that T. Squalls is still dicking around in college at the ripe age of thirty (pun intended) notice how he's absorbed his generations' sense of entitlement and "somebody else has to pay for me" attitude.  Since he lives near the heart of our bloated, other peoples' money federal government, he probably developed this blase' sense of giveaway through osmosis.  I fully realize that the point of the free rubbers is to prevent AIDS, but shouldn't the thought of contracting and dying from a horrible disease be enough to make even the most irresponsible dumbass cough up a few bucks for a pack of prophylactics?  If it isn't, then it should be.  Grow the fuck up.

How long before the "ladies" of the nation's 
capitol start demanding the Twister condom? 
Her pleasure ought be free too.  

So remember ladies.  If you happen to run into T. Squalls and he want to ax you out, what you're getting is a thirty year old loser who has neither the aspiration nor the money to buy his own penis hats.  You've been warned.

Enjoy your dinner at Mickey D's.

Chinese orgies!!...Can I have mine with pupu platter?

Orgies have never been my thing.

OK, are you done picking yourself up off the floor?  I'm being serious.  First of all, I'm really lazy.  And a lot of bodies are too much work.  Sexy time overload, if you will.  Second, orgies mean other naked men.  Need I say more?  One never knows if an opportunistic man may be secretly craving a little man butt and figures it will all just get lost in the shuffle.

In other words, Sultan with a harem...good.  Orgies?  Not so much.  Besides, your concentration is better with just a single enthusiastic partner.

I remember a few years back I watched a documentary on HBO about a swingers' convention.  Oh, my god.  These people were heinously awful.  The women were doughy, out of shape, bleached blond trailer park tramps and the men were either fat or scrawny.  If they weren't balding, they had mullets to fully complement the look of their fu-manchu pornstaches or their satanic Van Dyke beards.  Tattoos abounded on both genders.  The sex was soulless and beyond skeevy.  I remember one guy (who looked like he was probably on parole) loudly complaining that some other guy kissed the woman he was doing and hence interfered while he was "eating pussy".   Yuck.  I've seen other swinger stuff and my conclusion is that people who will fuck indiscriminately in a group are the people you wouldn't want to fuck even in the kindness of candlelight.

I bring this all up because China apparently has a law against this kind of thing.  Come to think of it, I would imagine that commie China has a law against pretty much every kind of thing.

Well, twice divorced Professor Ma Yaohai, 53, has run seriously afoul of the Chinese law against "group licentiousness" and has been sentenced to 3 1/2 years in the hoosegow for it.  I guess in the new China along with the good (freedom of commerce), you get the flip side (internet porn, whores and cluster fucking.)

I have to concede that technically the good professor pretty much defines the term licentious.  He set up his own little version of Craigslist with a website called "Traveling Couples".   His web handle?  Bighornyfire.  Oh, behave!  And where did these groan n' gropes take place?  In the small apartment he shares with his Alzheimer's afflicted mother.  That is not cool, dude.  In front of your mom?  (Hopefully he didn't have mom take part, but then again, it isn't like she'd remember anything.)  I guess it's kind of hard to have a Rat Pack type bachelor pad for this sort of get together in a communist country with a perpetual housing shortage.

Professor Ma Yaohai.
In America he could organize a "daisy chain" in a 
public park without anyone batting an eye, 
but he'd get 3 1/2 years for the cigarette.  

The Chinese people, for their part, have taken a live and let live attitude towards Professor Horny and his Merry Band of Funsters.  For an authoritarian society like China that's real progress.

P.S.  What will you never hear at a Chinese swingers party?
         Answer:  "Take it out.  Take it out.  It's hurting me!!!!!"

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Brits on the subway...nude! And against all odds...SOBER!!!

A big shout out to The Conservatarian for this one.

Four naked Brits (2 gentlemen, 2 ladies) took a commute on the London Underground the other day. (That's the subway for you uninformed nativists) .  Was it the usual Walk of Shame taken by thousands of hungover UK denizens after a night of oblivious inebriation and sexual debauchery? was a publicity stunt for a TV program called The Naked Office.   Some nonsense about boosting confidence and trust and pushing boundaries and blah blah blah.

At first I thought it might have been a promotion for cosmetic surgery since the two ladies have such obvious pneumatic plastic bobble tits.  But the guys are pretty average so one can assume that the HR Department in this particular office is predominately male.

The resale value on those briefcases will be nil because what guy in his right mind wants a briefcase that's had a dick slapping up against it?  The raincoat fapping purse sniffers, however, will be bidding furiously for those handbags.

Can we stop pretending that beauty pageants are anything but a Tits and Ass wankfest for couch potatoes?

The Miss USA contest and cuntroversy (oops...typo, but it stays) go together like Donald Trump's hair and four cans of spray.

The Donald, who makes P.T. Barnum seem like a retiring wallflower, bought the rights to the pageant a few years back and give the man his due, he could bring hype and buzz to his granny's funeral.

Let's look back at last year, shall we?  Carrie Prejean gets the money shot gay marriage question right between the eyes from shitbag professional homosexual, Perez Hilton.  Sweet little Carrie gave the same answer that Obama, Hillary Clinton, and every other slick pol gives after getting the same loaded question.  Oh boy, shit meets fan.  OUTRAGEOUS!!! Screamed the gay lobby and the amen pundit chorus.  Fast forward to TV appearances galore, racy modeling photos exposed, boob job refund requests, and as a Grand Finale to the whole circus, a masturbation sex tape.  (Which I still haven't seen, dammit!)  Carrie's fifteen minutes start to wind down just as this years hoopla begins.

Chenoa Greene, Miss New Jersey 2010.
The Funeral Guy does not discriminate when it comes to race. 

The Run Up To The Show-
How do you top all of last year's fuckery?  Well, instead of the usual skimpy bathing suit promo shots we get the lovely young contestants posing in lingerie like a catalog for sex trade patronizing Arab sultans.  (Be sure to follow the links to see the full layouts.  You'll thank me.)  Even the mogul with the cool-whip hair had to admit as though butter wouldn't melt in his mouth, that, "I think they've gone maybe a little over the top this year.  These pictures are pretty wild."   Then, while his hand fapped furiously in his front pocket, Donald added, "but the girls are incredible."  THEY'VE gone over the top!!!!???  Isn't he the boss of this whole shebang? (tee hee)  "Yeah, you know me.  I'm totally hands off when it comes to events involving a bevy of young broads." Gotcha, Donald.

Morgan Woolard at her day job.
Taking men's minds off of messing with pink. 

The Big Night-
Now of course I didn't watch this awful dreck, but it goes without saying that all the girls are shit hot.  So, with that being stipulated, the only real entertainment comes from the dopey question portion of the pageant.  Can these fetching but thick-as-a-brick bubbleheads fart out a coherent answer?  Miss Oklahoma, Morgan Woolard, got a question about what she thought about the Arizona illegal immigration law.  Now first of all, who gives a rolling shit about what Miss Oklahoma thinks about illegal immigration or any other question of public policy?   Morgan's answer was surprisingly lucid, reasonable, and middle of the road.  State's rights good, racial profiling bad.  Wrong answer, of course.  I'm sorry Morgan, the correct answer is the people of Arizona and their representative government are Nazi racist fascists who want to kill and imprison all brown people who don't speak the Queen's English.  Needless to say, Morgan finished in second place.

Rima Fakih.  Miss USA 2010.
You could bounce a dinar off her stomach.

And The Winner Is...
Miss Michigan, Rima Fakih.  And Holy Mohammed!  She's Muslim!  Arab Pride, baby.  They'll be no burka for this bitchin' babe, however the mullahs may need one to hide the priapic pole in their pants.  But the hub-bub doesn't end there, my friends.  Racy photos (natch') surfaced almost immediately of Rima slithering on a pole during some radio contest.  Oh no, more publicity CONTROVERSY!  Not particularly sleazy behavior by Girls Gone Wild American standards, but if it happened in a strict muslim country heads would surely roll.  And I mean literally.  Will she lose the crown over it?  She's an ethnic minority.  What do you think?

Rima working it.
But never during Ramadan.

So What Next?
While googling around about all this silliness (Lexxie has the day off) I realized something.  Melania "Mrs. The Donald" Trump has now turned forty.  The Big Four-Oh meets the big Uh-oh.  Donald Trump is a Master of the Universe man that historically doesn't suffer aging wives lightly.  (See: Trump, Ivana and Maples, Marla)  I would suspect that as we speak, the army of Trump attorneys are scouring the prenup looking for a way for Donald to say to Melania, "You're fired!"  What better time to have in your portfolio an annual pageant of poon.  All parading in front of you.  And you're the boss.

Big bouncing boobs and a bouncing baby boy
are no anchor on The Donald. 
To him they're a dime a dozen. 

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Died Today:

Ronnie James Dio
Heavy Metal Vocalist
July 10, 1942-May 16, 2010
(Age 67)

Ronnie James Dio.
Doing his iconic "Devil Horns" gesture. 

Although the voice and music of Ronnie James Dio was not my cup of tea, he was an acknowledged master vocalist of the Metal genre.  He had a voice that could break glass and was still banging it out on the road up until the time he got sick about six months ago.  By all accounts he was a down to earth and decent guy.

So for his innovation, style, and longevity in the world's most unstable business we at The Funeral Guy note his passing and extend our condolences to his wife, family, friends and his millions of fans.

Cause of death was stomach cancer.


Quick hits....

England has some of the oddest celebrities.  Meet the pop duo Jedward.  They are lamenting that they've never had girlfriends.  Two thoughts.  One...(The obvious) They're gay.  Two...They're straight and at 18 so horny that even their hair has a boner.  You need to do something about that, lads.
Never had girlfriends?
How is that possible? 

Now we have even more of a reason not to read Playboy.  In its embarrassing desperation to remain relevant, your grandpa's stroke book is going to have a 3-D centerfold.  Why yes, I understand all those young whippersnappers on the world wide web really groove on 3-D.  Like when the moving picture Avatar came out.  Now they can hold a real 3-D girl in their hot little hand.  While the other hand does what comes naturally.  How awful would it be to have your mom catch you beating off with those stupid cardboard glasses on your face?  Almost as humiliating as wanking to a centerfold of Marge Simpson. (Playboy November 2009)
3-D Centerfold Hope Dworaczyk. 
It's like she could reach out to help you get off. 

A reality show in Australia has everyone all up in arms for its premise of auctioning off the virginity of several chaste young people of both sexes.  I suppose with the guys you'd have to take their word for it.  First-timers are usually (by definition) not that skilled in the sack, but it would be interesting to see if a bidding war develops between Lawrence Taylor and Roman Polanski.
Two Virgins.
(You may have to be a boomer to get the joke.)
Also, sorry if you just had dinner. 

The New York Post is reporting on a Dutch study that says being a cougar can shorten your life span.  I don't mean the feline in the jungle cougar, I mean the woman who fucks young guys cougar.  The opposite is true with men.  So to summarize the story.  Old gal, younger guy.  Woman dies early.  Old guy, young chippies.  Man lives longer.  See, being a guy is good beyond the fact that you can write your name in the snow with your pee.  Also, I guess this means that Larry King (76) and his wife, Shawn (50) should be shedding the mortal coil at just about the same time.
Larry and Shawn King.
Til death do they part. 

In France, a 23 year old man fell to his drunken death after attempting to slide down a staircase railing from a bridge.  Not that noteworthy, except this was one of those Facebook organized parties that 20,000 people showed up for to get shit-faced.  No recipe for disaster there.  In related news, a Facebook bacchanalia in Great Britain drew a crowd of 60,000,000 people.  Half of whom perished by falling off things while the other half went blind from pouring Vodka in their eyes.

A Paramount, CA assistant principal found himself in a bit of a kerfuffle when some of his male student studmuffins pranced around the stage during a talent show in their tighty-whiteys and Speedos.  One of the poofie performers, Christian Dominguez, said that they just wanted to "pump up" the crowd.  Guest judges Elton John and Clay Aiken agreed that they were both pumped up...and how!  To avoid any further misunderstandings the LAUSD has decided to move next year's show to Fairfax High School in the hard heart of West Hollywood.
Quit lazin' around there, young fella.
It's showtime!!!

Finally.  There is a pit bull in Long Island, NY that needs Viagra to stay alive.  Don't feel too bad, doggie.  Some of us need Viagra to feel alive.  That and our 3-D Playboy, of course.  And don't forget.  Ask your doctor if you're healthy enough for sex.  And don't take nitrates after using Viagra.

Better, faster, drunker. The eyes have it!

Pouring hard liquor directly into your eyeballs.  Now why in the fuck didn't I ever think of that?  (Stranger still, why didn't Laura Hall ever think of that?)

Eyeball drinking. like this. 

Like This!!!

The new craze amongst British university students is taking straight shots of Vodka through the eye for a faster high.  The article says that this drunken fuckery started here in the U.S., but I just checked with my daughter, Ms. Funeral Guy, and she's never heard of it.  And she goes to one of the premier hippie party schools in the crumbling State of California.  I suspected as much.  The students at my daughters school might smoke reefer by sticking a bong up their butts on 4/20, but even they're savvy enough not to put burning alcohol into their eyes.  Plus, I don't think the UK needs to look to America for innovations on how to better attain inebriated oblivion.  It's one of the few things they're good at.

Just what British gals need...
a faster way to get like this. 

Like the junkie on Intervention that shoots up in his jugular vein, these bonehead Brits are starting to find that their delivery system of choice can be problematic.  Why, some of these folks are beginning to develop eye problems.  EYE PROBLEMS!!??  Guess they never saw that coming.  Tee hee, get it?
Melissa Fontaine.  
Not only stupid enough to guzzle booze through her cornea,
but dim enough to admit it in 
newspaper with her photo attached. 

Case in point.  Melissa Fontaine, whose fancy upbringing, proper manner and university degree belie the fact that she is a stupid sheep who would go along with such obviously moronic behavior, now has a permanently sore and seeping eyeball.  One would think that might hinder her chances in the romance department as well.  If I ran into a comely lass whose one eye was constantly discharging some kind of goop, I might also wonder if there may possibly be a hygiene problem down in her nether parts as well.

But, not to worry much.  Like all fads, this too shall pass.  When graduation time finally arrives and the search for employment begins, the highly educated ladettes can all find work as........

Pirate Wenches.

Some athlete named L.T. is in some kind of trouble...again.

I know I should have been on top of this sooner (pun intended), but it involves some athlete by the name of Lawrence Taylor that I don't know fuck-all about and the alleged victim is a 16 year old alleged hooker so that means no sexy photos which carries a lot of weight on this site.  A lot of my luck with the ladies (Mrs. Funeral Guy included) can be attributed to the fact that I don't give two shits about sports although I must admit the Lingerie Football League looks interesting.  My researcher, Lexxie, has just informed me that L.T. was also on the TV show, Dancing with the Stars.  (Since long retired, drug involved football players and Kate fucking Gosselin qualify as "stars" these days.  Go figure.)

Lawrence Taylor.
Practicing one of his favorite positions. 

So here's the story in a nutshell.   (Disclaimer: all acts in this recounting are alleged.)  This L.T. character, who I now know is a 51 year old ex-crackhead ex-football player, gets himself a hooker from some pimp named Rasheed Davis.  (The last name is a giveaway that it's a black pimp type Rasheed as opposed to a Muslim terrorist type Rasheed.)   The unnamed ho' is 16 years old and in the employ of the aforementioned Rasheed.  As per her contract with Rasheed the underage trollop does what she's told and takes the occasional ass whupping tuneup as needed.   When she gets to the room she tells L.T. when asked that she's 19 which in the State of New York is no defense when it comes to banging teenagers.

Later, the girl's uncle calls the coppers when he gets a text from his missing niece.  Police find the young doxy at the residence of Mr. Davis and charge the pimp with false imprisonment.  L.T.'s arrest for third degree rape and solicitation of a prostitute follow.  The jailbait whore also turns up sporting a black eye but the pimp is blamed not the john.

In spite of the fact that we have the novelty of a black, athlete/celebrity not named Tiger Woods to cluck-cluck over, a great deal of fog on this story has yet to clear.  In the beginning, L.T.' s attorney and bald-headed FOX News talking head shyster Arthur Aidala, said that the randy footballer was completely innocent.  L.T.'s wife, Lynette, (who I assume could be described as "long suffering") is standing by her man.  What a gal, eh guys?  L.T., for his part, didn't get the script because he admitted that he paid $300.00 for the underage poontang.

The latest is that L.T. is now saying he didn't fuck the little prostie, all he did was thump his dummy while gazing on her nubile loveliness.  This is backed up by a 23 year old stripper friend of the whore poor exploited teenage runaway who said she (the hooker) bragged about getting paid even though "I didn't even have to fuck him."  Which tells you all you need to know about the slacker work ethic of today's youth.

So wife, lawyer, fans and jock sniffing sportswriters are all crying setup, setup, setup.  Considering all of  L.T.'s past run-ins with the law it's hard for some to imagine the possibility that for some strange unknown reason, Lawrence Taylor (like Mayor Marion Berry) is just cosmically condemned to being a magnet for setups.   I think we can all agree, however, this is as confusing a cluster fuck as only something involving drug-addled has-been football players, enabling wives, spin doctor lawyers, teenage prostitutes, strippers, and pimps named Rasheed, can be.

One thing we do know for sure.  When a 51 year old man, to get himself out of trouble, has to admit that he paid an underage skank ho' $300.00 to watch him jack his joystick instead of fucking her, that's a bad day for him.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

If I bring a note from my doctor would you forgive my absence?

Have you been looking for my picture on the side of a milk carton lately?  My army of fans are asking, "Where in the fuck is The Funeral Guy?"  Well...The Funeral Guy has been doing...funerals.  And has also been involved with the medico-industrial complex.'t panic.  God don't want me yet.  I'm just being checked over for some of the things that an older person's flesh is heir to.  That, and some of the lingering oozy after effects of my misspent youth.

President Obama.
Giving us another I'm-really-disappointed-in-you-people lecture. 

Be that as it may.  There hasn't been shit on the interwebs that is the least bit inspiring to write about anyway.  Politics?  Obama continues to bore and annoy the shit out of me every time he opens his mouth as he blithely goes about dismantling the greatest country the world has ever known.

Well, this should get the tourists to Greece 
for the summer season. 
Did you know the Greeks invented homosexuality?  
It's true.  You can look it up. 

Lazy as shit government workers (I use the word "workers" loosely) and the usual collection of losers, commies and anarchists are burning down Greece.  Greece was once known as the Cradle of Civilization, now it's the soft, comfy hammock of indolent socialists that spend their time either trying to expand their benefits if they work for the government or avoiding confiscatory taxes if they toil in what's left of the private sector.  Either way, the unrelenting reality of math is finally catching up to the European welfare state.  The times of champagne nights and caviar dreams are over and nobody wants to pay the bill.  Since the U.S. contributes a large share of the International Monetary Fund, you, the American taxpayer will be helping our Eurotrash brother and sisters with the tab.  You know them.  The ones whose ass we've saved in every fucking war, cold or hot, over the last century.   And as our thanks we get disdain and derision.  While the hand is always out, of course.

Lovely Lindsay Lohan.
23 years old and looking like a bloated middle-aged barfly. 
She's my #1 pick in the funeral home Death Pool. 

Like I said.  Same old, same old.  Can't Lindsay Lohan OD already for chrissakes?  Can't some celebrity asshole get caught with a harem of hookers in his basement?  That would get the TFG writing juices flowing again.

Matt Lauer.  You really disappointed me.

Matt Lauer and his MILF-y wife Annette announce 
there's no "Bombshell" McGee in their marriage. 
Shown here at the Annual Hair Club for Men Charity Ball. 

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Boobs so big no stripper pole could possibly hold her.

From the always informative Mail Online (UK).

Julia Manihauri, 29, of Peru had a big problem.  Well, two of them actually.  After the birth of her third son Julia's breasts kept growing and growing and growing until her chichis became gigundous bazongas.  How enormous?  You remember the Hindenberg?  That dirigible that crashed in New Jersey all those years back?  About like that.  Seriously, though, her bra is a N cup.  Who even knew there was such a thing?  Julia's boobage reached the point where she was bedridden.  And not just because her husband loved them so much that he was on top of her all the time having a ride.  They were so big that when she would try to stand up she would feel faint.  Sort of like your humble narrator.  When I get fully aroused so much blood goes to my giggle stick I get a little woozy.  (Mrs. Funeral Guy: I wish!)

Julia Manihauri.  
Giving Heidi Montag big ideas. 

The breasts became like that old horror movie The Blob, getting to the point where Julia's life was in danger.  Doctors diagnosed Julia with Bilateral Gynecomastia, a condition where the mammary glands just go shit nuts.  There were only two options for Julia.  Centerfold of the Year in Juggs magazine or reduction surgery.

Julia chose life and the docs (damn 'em) cut off 35 pounds of lady flesh until our dear little 5 foot tall gal was a more manageable 34B.  The sound of her sobbing husband could be heard in the next town.

Wouldn't bother me none.  I'm an ass and leg man.

Update:  The race is on.  Heidi Montag must have already seen the picture of Julia.  Life and Style is reporting that Heidi is scheduling surgery for bigger boom booms.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

A weekend hodgepodge of items.

Lots of crazy shit flying around the interwebs this week.  Let's catch up, shall we?

Tiger Woods takes "Love Thy Neighbor" a little too far.

If this latest tournament is any indication, The Woodster's game is going to Hell in a handbasket, undoubtably due to the splooge backup in his poor neglected testicles.  Imagine poor old Tiger approaching the ball, eyes unable to focus, sweaty hands shaking and knees all twitchy like a junkie in his second day of detox.

Or is he distracted by the latest story from the New York Post?  This one is about a woman that was rumored but now confirmed and apparently the babe that broke wife Elin's back, metaphorically speaking.

The National Enquirer has it that Tiger, the randy rehabber, had to write down a list of all his conquests as part of his therapy (No fapping allowed while doing so, OK, Mr. Woods?).  Since the number pegged the boink meter at 121 I'll assume that names weren't required.  A bass player and I did this once back in the day on a long road trip.  Names were impossible so descriptions, places and sex act details counted.  Proving beyond doubt that the reptilian part of the male brain can amazingly regurgitate this stuff like a computer in spite of near constant drug use.

But I digress.  Then The Woodster had to go through the list with Elin during "family week".  (God, how creepy must that be?  I could see sitting around in normal rehab talking about nodding off with a needle in your arm or throwing up on your kid, but having to go into detail to your wife about a pancake waitress polishing your knob in a parking lot seems way skeevy, but maybe that's just me.)

Anyhoodle.  Elin was furious about the fact that her horny hubby, in addition to the now familiar  strumpets, skanks and sleazebags, had a one-nighter with the neighbor's sweet little daughter, Raychel Coudriet.  The whole thing is pretty sordid even for a jaded old fuck like me.  Tiger had been eyeing the nubile coed for some time, even inviting her to go golfing and joking about her "washing his balls".  I guess when you're rich and famous you don't necessarily have to be a smooth operator.   Well, one thing leads to another, and eventually Raychel finds herself in the now infamous office with the licentious lothario of the links with her toes pointed at the ceiling.  (Damn, that home office of his has seen more action than Omaha Beach on D-Day.)  According to a source Raychel felt a little guilty when she looked over to see a baby crib in the room.  Although not enough to dampen the mood or the libido on this particular night it seems.  Tiger wanted to keep things going and invited Raychel to fly with him to Michigan for some Ambien sex.  (Michigan travel slogan: Come for the unemployment...Stay for the Ambien Sex!!)   Unfortunately for The Woodster, Raychel's moral compass finally kicked in and she refused the offer even after being left romantic sext messages such as, "Are you touching yourself?" and "I want to fuck you."  Raychel must have a heart of stone.  What young girl could resist sweet talk like that?

Raychel Coudriet. 
Tiger's taste in the ladies never fails to impress. 

After the scandal shit hit the fan you can imagine that Raychel felt just a tad cheap.  She being all young and innocent and not a professional party girl, stripper, cocktail waitress or porn whore.  "I felt used and violated" she blubbered, "Like I meant nothing to him but a night of casual sex.  I just wanted to dig a big hole, crawl in and die."  (Well, technically, Raychel, he did want to fly you to Michigan for an upgrade to casual Ambien sex.)

Our plucky and now chastened lass had her chance to confront Tiger while back from college during spring break.  "I feel extremely violated by what you did to me!"  Raychel reportedly told Mr. Hump 'n' Dump.  All Tiger could say was, "Sorry about that."

Which is the fuck-anything-with-a-pussy golfer equivalent of "You might want to put some ice on that."

...And speaking of Forbidden Love.

Some of my readers may be a little sheltered (especially you ladies) so here is a little clue about men.  Name anything in this big, wide, wonderful world of ours and you can be sure as shootin' there is some guy somewhere that will look at it and start rubbing himself.  Shoes, rocks, dolphins, you name it, some dude is horny for it.

Hence...Granny Porn.  Yes, it means exactly what is says.

Herein lies the tale of 72 year old Pearl Carter.  Now Pearl doesn't do Granny Porn (as far as I know) but she does have a 26 year old lover by the name of Phil Bailey.  OK... that's a little off the charts but as Woody Allen famously said "The heart wants what the heart wants."  Woody Allen said this as his affair with the much younger adopted daughter of his partner Mia Farrow came to light.  Good example, only Pearl and Phil are even more stomach churning.

Phil Bailey finds the one woman he'll never lose to Tiger Woods. 

Phil, you see, is the natural blood grandson of Pearl.  Yes...not only is 26 year old Phil fucking a 72 year old woman.  He's fucking his 72 year old grandmother.  (And no jokes about Pearl necklaces please.  Isn't this story bad enough?)   Pearl then proceeds to tell us that it's been years since she's felt so "sexually alive".  I know at this point you have your fingers in your ears and are running from the room going lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala!!!!!  Well, come back, because it gets even better.  Pearl has borrowed $54,000 from her pension to pay a surrogate so they can have a child together.  Pearl's own eggs having turned to dust long, long ago.

Pearl is trying to justify that this isn't totally fucking shit weird by saying a friend told her about Genetic Sexual Attraction syndrome.  This is supposedly where people that share the same DNA can meet later in life and have an instant sexual attraction.  Alright...but if you find out you're closely related wouldn't you say, "Goddam.  That sure was a close one.  I guess I'll be moving on now."  YOU DON'T HAVE SEX WITH YOUR GRANDSON...DOES THIS REALLY EVEN NEED TO BE SAID???!!!!  Apparently so.

Maybe if they can find a Justice of the Peace on Tobacco Road crazy enough to perform a marriage ceremony.  Jethro and Ellie Mae will stand up for them while the cross-eyed kid from Deliverance provides the music.

Mr. Ed and My Dog Skip have referred all inquiries to their attorneys...

Grandma-Grandson incest not your cup of tea?  I can understand that.  So here's a story from Pennsylvania about a woman who sounds open to just about anything.

State police have charged Dovie Lee Kerner (great name, by the way), 46, with having sex with a horse.  Ouch!!  Strangely enough, horse diddling isn't as rare as you think.  TFG did posts on it here and here.  Dovie, however, doesn't discriminate when it comes to species.  In addition to equine, she's also been accused of going canine and porcine.  That's horsies, doggies and piggies for those of you who didn't have friends in 4-H club.

The "tail" (tee hee) doesn't end there though.  Dovie, who by all accounts will fuck anything that takes a breath, was turned in by her male human sex partner after she gave venereal diseases to him and his Jack Russell terrier.  I guess they were out of Trojan Magnum condoms for the horse, "kiddie" condoms for the dog, and nobody's ever thought to make corkscrew rubbers for pigs.

For the first time Mr. Ed ain't talkin'.
He enjoyed his visits with Dovie.  

My Dog Skip is dog tired after 
  Dovie gave him a howlin' good time. 

In other bestiality news.  Florida, the state where the bizarre is considered too tame to be normal, they may be finally getting around to outlawing human/animal lovin'.  (Making children disappear and meth lab explosions will remain legal for the foreseeable future.)  The move to finally criminalize bestiality followed stories of a blind man boning his seeing eye dog and a series of goat rapes.

Only in Florida.

Speaking of Florida.  This is a Florida kinda' story.  Only it's China.

A 59 year old chef was drinking with his buddies when he passed out.  "Hahahaha...lookee there at "Chang"...he really fucked up...let's draw a beard on his face with Sharpee."  "No, no, no...I got a better idea."

And there begins the tragedy, folks.  "Chang" (victim is unnamed in the story so I came up with "Chang" off the top of my head.) was taken sometime later to the hospital in great pain and a bleeding anus.  After exploratory surgery doctors discovered a 50 cm long Asian swamp eel that "Chang's" pals had playfully lodged up his butt.  (My researcher, Lexxie, informs me that 50 cm is about 20 inches.)  The eel had no way out and probably got pretty hungry to boot so it ate through "Chang's" intestines causing major damage and infection.  "Chang" lasted 10 days before mercifully expiring.  Police are launching an investigation.

This a an Asian swamp eel, not a fucking gerbil, people.
Be safe and know which animals enjoy butt sex. Sheesh!

You Chinese guys may not have gotten the word.  Drunken ass play with an eel is stupid and dangerous.  It is also really, really gay.  Don't do it.

Women want to be jackhammered for 2 hours, followed by 4 hours of "cuddle time".  

There's an old joke:
What do you have to do to give a woman an orgasm?
Answer.  Who cares?

But hey.  We know that's not really funny.  Your woman may not say it but she expects magic and lots of it!!  Coming soon to the United Kingdom is a drug for men that are...shall we say?...a little quick on the trigger.  It's called Priligy and it will cost the guy that just can't help going hump-hump-hump...ahhhhhhhhh!!!  £25 a pop (tee hee) for the thrill of a longer ride.  (That's 38 dollars American.)  It may well be worth it if your girl is constantly saying, "It's okay....(sigh)".  But for that kind of money you just might want to box your goofy an hour or so before sexy time.   I also hear that double bagging with an extra rubber is pretty pleasure diminishing.  Or you could always try putting some cocaine on your cock helmet.

So let's say by virtue of Priligy, blow or a tight rubber band around the base of your wingwang you've given your chick a shagging for the ages.  You're lying there with your arms  folded behind your head and you're feeling like a combination of Conan and Spartucus.  All of a sudden your Lady Lovely leans over and sprays some shit up your nose.  It's called oxytocin and it can make a man more empathetic and more in tune with his feelings.  It's been nicknamed the "cuddle chemical" which is all any guy needs to know.

Woman: "Mmmmm...this is soooo nice."
Man (thinking): I'm burning up, 
her hair is tickling my nose and 
my fucking arm is KILLING me. 

For fucksy sake!  What mad female scientist came up with this brilliant idea?  This is what the world needs now in a time of war and uncertainty?  A chemical that will make men weep while watching The Notebook and causes their nipples to drip milk when a baby cries?  It's like a fucking Oprah episode in a convenient spray.  Shit, fire and damnation.

If this becomes the way of the future you can forget the oxytocin.  I'll take some oxycontin.  A whole fucking handful of it, please.  See 'ya folks, I'm outta here.