Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Dems acting dumb. (Not Anthony Weiner this time.)

Not only is Debbie Wasserman Schultz (D-FL) a member of congress she is also the newly minted head of the Democratic National Committee.  This is what's known as an unforced error, since there is now a party head that can give the Republicans a run for their money in the stupid department.

The always charming and beautiful Debbie Wasserman Schultz

Here's Debbie at a May 26th Christian Science Monitor Breakfast.

“We have 12 million undocumented immigrants in this country that are part of the backbone of our economy and this is not only a reality but a necessity," she said. "And that it would be harmful--the Republican solution that I’ve seen in the last three years is that we should just pack them all up and ship them back to their own countries and that in fact it should be a crime and we should arrested them all.”

Got that?  Them damn Republicans think illegal immigration "should be a crime".  A quick check of Deb's bio shows that she has a BA and a Masters both in Political Science, which makes her an expert in partisanship and pandering.   Alhough I'm not a lawyer, even I know that when something is "illegal" it's a "crime".   These are not mystery terms like Voire dire and Mens rea.  

Here is another stroke of genius from the farting brain of Debbie W-S.  

“If it were up to the candidates for president on the Republican side, we would be driving foreign cars; they would have let the auto industry in America go down the tubes.”

Pretty good dig at the evil Republicans until you find out that Debbie drives an 2010 Infiniti FX35.  Uhhh...that would be a Nissan, Debbie.  You know, a Japanese car.  

Should be a fun as we run up to the the 2012 election.  Somebody let me know when Debbie tweets a picture of her snoochie to one of her constituents.  

Debbie in her own words.

Monday, May 30, 2011

More modernity from The Religion of Peace™

Katya Koren, 19, was stoned to death after participating in a beauty contest in the Ukraine.  The girl came in seventh.  Three muslim youths are charged with the crime after her battered body was found buried in the woods.  No remorse...violated the rules of Islam...blah blah blah....

Allah, (May peace be upon Him), knows what they would have done if she had won.

Update: Weiner's office issues a weenie statement.

Congressman Anthony Weiner's office has finally broken it's silence.  The congressman himself has asked for airtime on as many shows as possible to demand that the FBI and The Department of Homeland leave no stone unturned in their hunt for the evil criminal malefactor that hacked his Twitter and Facebook accounts and compromised the security of the United States House of Representatives.  In his typical red-faced rage Representative Weiner said, "It ain't my weiner and I'm outraged at the implication!"

Nah...just kidding.  Here is what one of his office flaks really had to say about the whole mess.  

“We’ve retained counsel to explore the proper next steps and to advise us on what civil or criminal actions should be taken,” Weiner spokesman Dave Arnold said in an email. “This was a prank. We are loath to treat it as more, but we are relying on professional advice.

Yep.  That's it.  Oh...and the congressman considers the whole thing a distraction driven by conservatives and "that I'm focused on my work."  (Remember after the famous Bill Clinton finger wag about "that woman...Mz. Lewinsky"when he gave that same "I have to get back to work for the American people" bullshit?)  

OK.  Let's get this straight.  Congressman Weiner is one of the most pugnacious members of Congress.  He was just, according to his own statements, hacked and humiliated.  Not to mention that as a representative of the peoples' house he is a VIP with a security clearance.  What was done, if what he alleges is true, is a very serious crime, not a prank.  Does Anthony Weiner really seem like the kind of guy that would just laugh off being the butt of a million national jokes?   When somebody hacked Sarah Palin's email account she immediately contacted the proper authorities, an arrest was made and the perpetrator was tried and convicted.  And what we get from Weiner's office is some namby-pamby-we're looking at our options- statement?   Put an "R" behind the congressman's name and take a guess how far that would fly with the press.  

What the hell is Weiner waiting for?  Congressman Weiner is not exactly a shrinking violet.  All the lefty blogs are accusing Brietbart and every other conservative they can think of of hacking the congressman, faking the picture and then driving the story.  So yeah, let's have a full investigation.  Why hasn't he called the FBI?  Did they take the weekend off?  

This is total bullshit.  Is it the end of the world if Weiner sent a picture of his hard-on to a coed?  No.  (Although it sure has kept yours truly highly entertained for the last few days.)  But if it was a Republican involved the mainstream press wouldn't be off at the beach for the holiday weekend.  

They'd be at a weenie roast.  And it wouldn't be fun for the roastee. 

If a porn star messages you back couldn't you call it a Twat Tweet?

My approach to the stuff I get into on this blog is usually what my approach to groupies used to be.  Hit it and quit it.  (Exceptions made for the never endingly salacious and amusing, i.e. Tiger Woods.)

I don't want to become All Weiner-All The Time, since there are a lot of sites that are following the tech trail of this like the Cyber Sherlock Holmes that I could never be.  As you know my usual specialty is dick jokes.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Ms. Ginger Lee.
One of the few photos I could find 
that had all her lady bits covered.
(Or didn't have a penis in the picture.) 

Anyway, porn star Ginger Lee claims that she got a Direct Message from The Wiener (but not the famous picture, poor thing).  Now people can say anything they want so I'm just noting this as part of the passing poon and peenie picture parade of this particular scandal.

Here are the screen shots.

Whereas a follower of Ms. Lee asks the obvious question:

A Google search of Ginger Lee treated me to some fine videos of her having sex for a series done by a gentleman who goes by the sobriquet Mr. Cameltoe. (Yes, she has one and I will admit it is quite fetching.)   I also turned up the usually gangbangs, some bondage and fetish and Ginger with a cum splattered face.  Pretty ho-hum as this kind of shit goes.  (Aren't you glad I research this stuff so you don't have to?)

Ginger also has a blog titled Ginger Lee's Guide to Life & Other Important Stuff.  I didn't go too far into it but it looks like she mostly answers fan's questions.  She doesn't come off as completely unintelligent, although being a "fangirl" of Anthony Weiner does make one wonder.  (Although in fairness, I would assume that most porn stars probably lean Democrat.)  I'm curious since she does mention feminism (along with stripping) on her "What I'm about" page, if she advises young women to follow her path into the porn trade.  There are some feminists that think it is "empowering" to have yourself filmed blowing three guys at the same time.  Even I'll admit I find that brand of feminism to be an interesting concept.

Which brings us back to the congressman, who according to Ginger is like Buddha.  (If your idea of Buddha is a twerpy left-wing ranting politician who seems to spend way too much time Tweeting.)  One of two things is true.  Either he DM'd Ginger Lee or he didn't.  If he did, he's pretty reckless.  If he didn't and Ginger is just having a bizarre fantasy, then it's just another log on the gossip fire.

And one more thing for Mrs. Weiner to wrap her head around this weekend.

"I'm sorry.  Ms. Lee will have no further comment."

Happy Memorial Day!

Before you head off to ogle the hardbodies at the beach or out to your backyard to burn some meat and get drunk, pause a moment to reflect and thank God for the privilege of living in the greatest country the world has ever known.  And don't forget to say a prayer for the men and women, past and present that give their all to keep it that way.  And, by the way, give a thought to your family members who have passed on.  Just remember, you'll be joining them one day soon enough.

Columbarium at Arlington National Cemetery 
where my folks, both World War II vets, are laid to rest. 

There always has to be someone that's the 
turd in the punchbowl at every Memorial Day barbecue. 

After some sober reflection on the true meaning of the day, 
these gals grab their booze and get back to the PARTYYYY!!!

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Will Anthony Weiner be able to avoid being bopped in the head by his wife's frying pan?

Weinergate as it's now been dubbed is heating up and not going away.  Now, I'm never going to be confused with an internet techie and there are a lot of sites that can get you up to speed on this.  Try Ace of Spades and click on the links until your head explodes.

I'll try to explain what is known as simply and as best I can.

A dick pic goes out from Anthony Weiner's Twitter account into the world of Tweeters.  (See my previous post.)

Anthony Weiner immediately claims he's been hacked.  His account is miraculously restored for his use in mere minutes, where he then starts explaining how he was hacked.  (He's actually kind of joking about it saying that even his TIVO ate his hockey game. heh heh.)  It's my understanding hackers will usually take over your account for good by changing your usernames and passwords.  How did Weiner get back in so fast?

Most bloggers figure that Weiner knows he fucked up and fat fingered his wanger picture to all of his followers instead of one young lady that he was trying to Direct Message.  (Why of the only 91 people that the congressman was "following" one would be a college girl in Seattle?  Hmmmm....?)

The "hack" as far as we know has not been reported to the FBI although cybercrime and identity theft is a serious federal offense.

The young lady in question has for some reason closed her Twitter and Facebook accounts so all her previous tweets are gone. (She has since re-opened a new account.)  She had also previously tweeted that the congressman was her "boyfriend" and even wrote an article about using Twitter to interact with celebrities.  (Puffing herself up?  Maybe.)  Before the hack, Weiner tweeted that he was going to appear on Rachel Maddow's show and made it a point to note what time it would be on in Seattle. Why would he do that?  Remember the girl (we now know her to be Gennette Cordova) lives in Seattle.

A great deal of photos from Weiner's online photo sharing account have been deleted, including the hard-on in the underwear picture.

Dear readers, this shit is really complicated and seriously beyond my understanding of caches, Twitter, Facebook, photo sharing and all the rest of how the internet works.  I apologize for my lack of knowledge and urge you if you're bored this weekend to surf around and get up to speed.  But I do consider myself somewhat of an expert on one thing.   Guys and their behavior when trying to score some poontang.  And what I can tell you is when there is this much smoke there is some dumbass that is trying to cover up some dumbass thing that he's done.  

We now have a photo of the chick in Seattle.

Gennette Cordova.  Seems like a nice average college girl.  
What could possibly be the attraction 
for a rising star in the democratic party?  

Well, this might explain things a little better.  
Exotic with some hot boobage. 

We will soon get down to the nitty-gritty on this.  Congressman Weiner has the advantage of being a Democrat. The mainstream media will try to ignore this story, or try to make it about mean-spirited conservative bloggers for as long as possible.  (See: Edwards, John)  If he was a Republican the New York Times would have put out a special edition calling for his resignation by now.  He is also a good friend of the Clintons.  (His wife, Huma, was a longtime aide to Hillary Clinton.  They were married last July.  Hahaha.  Fucking dude is still on his honeymoon.)  At least he has the ear of the Master of Bimbo Eruptions Bill Clinton to school him on how to spin and skate his way out of this hot mess.  

Because if you ask me, it's all going to boil down to one thing.  Is this kind of convoluted bullshit story going to pass the wife test?   If it does.  It'll all blow over.

Update:  Ms. Sexy Tits denies any involvement with The Weiner.  I don't think that's going to kill the story, but thanks for the good ol' college try.   

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Congressman Anthony Weiner's Hard-on? Gag writers caught off guard on long holiday weekend.

If your idea of a good time does not include sitting in Memorial Day traffic while burning up your $4.00+ gallon of gas, you just might want to stay home and go online or to Twitter to read the millions of jokes about the latest imbroglio involving a member of congress.

An unnamed woman received a Tweet from Congressman Anthony Weiner (D-NY) which accompanied a picture of a very obviously aroused wingwang in a pair of tight grey boxer briefs.  No face included.  (Therein lies the mystery.)   The Weiner himself (god, it's fun writing that) tweeted that his Twitter and Facebook accounts were hacked and the offending flesh missile does not belong to him.  Since the dick in the picture is a pretty nice specimen if I were the congressman I would be inclined to state, "Although the large penis in the photo is not mine,  I just have to say that my large penis is a bit larger but I can see where there might be some confusion."  (I will try not to add to the goldmine of  dick, weiner, in a pickle, rising member of congress, and other sundry puns and wordplay since that ground was fully covered in the first five minutes after the story broke.)

The "Weiner" in question. 

"It ain't me!" Shouts Congressman Anthony Weiner.
"Mine's a good 2 inches longer than that one." 
But will voters re-elect this dick to another term?

Now for those of my readers who are not into politics and only come here for the sex jokes or to see if I can come up with even more new words for vagina, you may be unfamiliar with Congressman Weiner.   Anthony Weiner is, by all honest assessment, one of the most diehard partisan and annoying people on the planet, much less the halls of Congress.  (Although he was briefly overshadowed in the last session by one term Florida Congressman Alan "Republicans Want You To Die!!!" Grayson.)  It's impossible to observe Congressman Weiner's full-throated, high pitched shouting about the sheer evil of anyone to the right of his own left wing views without questioning his mental stability.  You just have to see him screaming with his eyes bugged while lecturing conservatives about "civility" to get the full affect.

The wife of Weiner.  Has she ever washed the grey boxer briefs?
Does she recognize the bulge? 
Inquiring minds want to know.

Earlier this year Congressman Christopher Lee - I loved him in those British Dracula movies, by the way...What, Lexxie? Wrong Christopher Lee?  Ooops, sorry - Anyway, Congressman Christopher Lee (R-NY) had to resign after he was caught sending shirtless photos to a woman not his wife that he contacted from Craigslist.   The married Representative Weiner is, of course, innocent until proven horny, but if he did do this it will be interesting to see if he suffers the same fate.

Because you know the media always holds Democrats to the same standards as Republicans.

Ex-Representative Christopher Lee.  
Looking more gay than a picture of hard cock in tight underwear. 

Friday, May 27, 2011

Died Today:

Jeff Conaway
Actor/Celebrity Rehabber
October 5, 1950-May 27, 2011
(Age 60)

Jeff, in his Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew days. 
In my mind, it was his greatest role.

Jeff Conaway starred with John Travolta and Oliva Newton-John in the 1978 mega-hit Grease and the popular TV sitcom Taxi.  He only lasted on Taxi for three years until his drug addiction got him bounced from the cast.  Things didn't improve from there.  Spots on different shows never materialized into stardom and drugs continued to take their toll.  The constant pain from a back injury sustained during the filming of Grease was also said to contribute to Jeff's addiction problems.

In 2008 Jeff turned up on season 1 of Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew.  (Season 1 also had the added watchability of big-titted porn star and former California gubernatorial candidate Mary Carey.)  I only watched the first two seasons both of which featured Conaway.  (Season 2 teamed Jeff Conaway with Gary Busey.  If they could have added Charlie Sheen it would have been the reincarnation of The Three Stooges.)   Since the whole point of the show was to wallow in the spectacle of celebrities' personal demons, I don't feel bad in saying that Jeff Conaway was astoundingly entertaining in this true to life role.  Entitled, arrogant, loaded and whining, Jeff brought the full-on crazy with a wheelchair and a cane and did not disappoint.  In addition, his co-dependent, screwball girlfriend Vicki was easily his match and their fights were epic and comedy gold.  The Lucy and Ricky for a generation of pill-poppers.

On the show when Jeff and Vicki would fight 
Jeff would threaten to bash her with his cane.
Funny, funny stuff.  

As a matter of fact it was on-again off-again girlfriend Vicki who found him May 11th on the floor at a friend's home where he had been staying in the San Fernando Valley.  Jeff was taken to the hospital with sepsis and pneumonia and was finally removed from life support today by his family and expired.


Picture of the Day.

Throw some ice water on your crotch, Hornball. 
That's not some African chambermaid your lunging at. 

Thursday, May 26, 2011

By the Goddess Lakshmi, We Love a Swimsuit Story.

For years the Hindus sat back and watched the Muslims suck up all the religious outrage in the world.  Well, all that's going to change now, buddy.

Nope.  It's not quite a cartoon of Mohammed...It's way hotter!!  It's the Hindu goddess Lakshmi, plastered on the hot body of a skinny Indian model in the form of a bathing suit.  I guess even Indian chicks can't swim with all that colored swirly cloth that they usually have wrapped around them.  The Hindu organization of Shiv Sena is protesting by burning the Australian flag because it was debuted at Australian Fashion Week.  With the courage typically found with the politically correct, the designer is promptly halting production on the bathing suit.  As of yet, we have no news of any beheadings.

Pretty tame by western standards and a lot
sexier than a crucifix dipped in urine.  

If a goddess has to appear it might as well be on a tight butt.
Sure beats the face of Jesus on a grilled cheese sandwich.  

I notice they're not burning the photos of the hot babe. 
Savin' 'em for later, are ya' boys?  

Third world peoples doin' what they do best.
Ya' seen one flag burning, ya' seen 'em all. 

The Downfall of Western Civilization Exhibit #988

We will soon have Lionsgate Television to thank for defining deviancy down another rung or two with a new reality series about swingers.  Bedroom Community is the latest swamp thing to crawl from the primordial ooze of reality television.  I can't wait for their next offering The Dog Fuckers of Harlan County.  (Full disclosure:  When it comes to reality television I am addicted to a big fan of Intervention.  But at least I can pretend I'm watching for the uplift of redemption, not the titillation of out of control junkie behavior.

Answer a Craigslist ad for swingers and 
9 times out of 10 this is what you'll get. 

Here is producer Eli Frankel explaining why you shouldn't feel like a sleazeball for watching a show about people that indiscriminately fuck strangers.
"What we have seen on shows about swingers are primarily older hippies, fringe people who are a little bit dirty. What we found are elite groups of people in upscale communities who are good-looking and have money and access. That glossy version is much more interesting to watch."

Oh, I get it.  Instead of toothless skeeves that work as carneys, we have your upscale betters humping on each other.  In other words, we better find some broads at least as hot as The Real Housewives of New Jersey and guys from The Bachelor or this piece of shit is dead in the water.  Nobody wants to watch ugly people having sex or even talking about sex.  Even other ugly people.  

As libertine as I was in my younger days, I was still a one person encounter kind of guy.  Working my way across America one groupie at a time I'd always say.  Old fashioned in the context of the 70's, I guess.  Group sex seemed like too much work.  

According to the article we will be spending our time in the living room not the bedroom.  Eli Frankel concludes.
"It is not a show about sex but about people and their relationships,"

Terrific.  A show with swingers not fucking.  Just talking about fucking.  Sure sounds like must see TV to me.    

Discrimination against women with big cans? We cannot let this stand.

Lawyers in civil cases will do anything for an edge, but Chicago attorney Dmitry N. Feofanov is being accused of using his boobalicious paralegal to distract the jury.  Opposing attorney Thomas Gooch says the woman's sole purpose "is to draw the attention of the jury away from the relevant proceedings."  Well, I should hope so.  Mr. Feofanov insists that Daniella Atencia is a qualified paralegal and he has every right to have her assist him in his case.  I wonder if when opposing counsel makes an objection she gives a little shimmy so they bobble and bounce to further confuse the jurors.

"Personally, I like large breasts."  Said Attorney Gooch, but added, "However, I object to somebody I don't think is a qualified paralegal sitting at the counsel table - when there's already two lawyers there - dressed in such a fashion as to call attention to herself."  In the photo below she seems to be dressed professionally.  (Dammit!)  Hey Dimitry, if you really want to distract the jury let me get Daniela into some outfits.  Because if this is the best you can do you are really a rank amateur in the trollop dressing department.

Dmitry and Daniela.  The Boris and Natasha 
of the Chicago legal community. 
I can't really tell about her tits, 
but those sure are some big-ass glasses. 

"Personally, I like large breasts" Really?  I can't believe Mr. Gooch actually said that out loud.  Judge?  Can I get a ruling on that?   One might wonder if it's the jury being distracted or Attorney Gooch.

And one more thing.  Do we not have enough of our own lawyers or was it essential to import Dmitry N. Feofanov here from Russia?

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

This is why the phrase is blow it out your ass. Not in.

Just when you thought you'd heard everything, something happens that really makes you question the order  of the universe.  Steven McCormack, 48, a New Zealand truck driver fell onto the fitting of a compressed air hose.  It pierced his ass and started filling him with air like the Michelin Man.  I shit you not.  

Steve's co-workers heard him screaming and turned off the air and Steven was rushed to the hospital with swelling that separated the fat from his muscle.  

Steve McCormack waiting for the doctor to come 
with a big hat pin so he can be popped and the air let out. 

I used to know a chick that was an ER nurse.  She used to tell me the funniest shit about guys that would come in with all kinds of things stuck in them.   One moron had a potato up his ass.  His explanation?  The spud was on the couch and he came out of the shower and just sat down on it by mistake.  Really??!!  A whole potato up your bunghole without any Astroglide?  I wouldn't let Mrs. Funeral Guy put her pinky in my butt without a couple of teaspoons of Wet Platinum.  (You should really get some of that stuff, it's great and I'm not being paid for the endorsement.)   Another guy had a light bulb buried in his bunghole.  Not one of the new Al Gore bulbs either, which I could almost understand.  That squiggle would be like a ribbed butt plug.  Same story, shower, couch, light bulb....OUCH!  Her favorite was the man that had his weenus stuck in the vacuum cleaner.  His story was that it relaxed him to vacuum in the nude.  (Every woman's fantasy, I know.)   Yep, vacuuming away and Mr. Winkie gets sucked into the void.  

I'm not saying that's what happened to the hapless Mr. McCormack.  But a nice blast of air might make a nice tickle on the prostate for those so inclined.  Like the guys in the ER might say, "It could happen". 

Monday, May 23, 2011

Stay Tuned...

I haven't bailed again.  (I'm going to explain my long absence one of these days.)  I've had a family with a two day, all day visitation.  Some cultures looooooovvvve a dead body and will hang around and stare at it for hours.  I call that job security.  Hopefully some longer posts after I get this lady buried.

DSK must have blasted a load on the maid because the DSK DNA was found on her shirt.  If true the consensual defense is all he's got.  I, for one, find it hard to believe that a woman in the middle of her work day would get a look at this fucking toad and just have to blow him.  Bullshit.  That's not the way women work.  (Unless you're a rock drummer, of course.)  I guess he could say that she agreed to be paid, but the prosecution will put on witnesses that will testify that paying for poon is not the style of the Great DSK.   Should get interesting.

O'Bama is visiting the old sod.  His homeland of Ireland.  He'll be gone for a week.  I feel better already.

It appears that there are enough music haters to crash Amazon for a download of Lady Gaga's latest opus.  She's fugly, her music blows and she's the most pretentious woman on the planet.  99 cents?  Shit, I gotta get that album!

A woman in Phoenix gave birth to a baby that grew in her abdomen.  That'll teach you to spit, not swallow.

In the words of The Sperminator.  "I'll be baaaaack!"

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Weekend hits for giggles and shits.

If the Rapture came I was Left Behind along with everyone else in my field of vision.  Who knew I was surrounded by so many Satan Worshippers?  Including my own beloved Mrs. Funeral Guy.  A woman who faithfully reads her Bible every morning.  (And no, I'm not kidding.)  Wouldn't you if I were your husband?

Now that's out of the way and we can stop laughing at the one guy who convinced a lot of folks that he was the only person that knew the unknowable.  ("No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father." Matthew 24:36 NIV)  

As for myself, had the End Times arrived I would have either been off to paradise (hopefully) or....been spending whatever was left of this earthly existence burying and cremating little piles of clothes and shoes.  Hmmmm...I probably would have had to readjust the General Price List and planned a retirement party for the embalmer.  

So what else has been going on?

The fad of Planking keeps the Comedy Gold coming

Simon Hallam's pet fish planking on his hand. 

Planking is back in the news.  I guess enough idiots haven't killed or gravely injured themselves yet to stop this fad dead in its tracks (tee hee).  A 20 year old Aussie dude fell off the boot (I think that's the trunk in American talk) of a moving car and is now hospitalized in an induced coma.   Simon Hallam, who according to the story is a plasterer by trade has shown that you don't have to be plastered to do something this stupid.  Just be an Australian plasterer.  Charges are pending against the driver.  Australia seems to be the hotbed of this mindless idiocy.  I think I heard once that they drink a lot there.  What's next?  Planking on the back of a Great White Shark?  Planking on the wing of a jumbo jet during take-off?  The possibilities are endless.

"Bloodshot Eyes Crying in the Rain" 

The Red Headed Stranger getting ready to study 
the many issues on his ballot pamphlet.

Former New Mexico Governor, Gary Johnson, has garnered the coveted Willie Nelson presidential endorsement.  Johnson who is a Republican with strong libertarian leanings is a drug legalization advocate.  Willie, is a lifelong pot and shroom enthusiast so this is a case of politician/constituent synchronicity.   Wait a minute...hold the phone...this just in from the Nelson camp.

"This just proves what I thought all along.  Gary Johnson is a great American.  He will make a great president if elected.  And I will support him all the way in the GOP primary.  I also support Dennis Kucinich on the Dem side if he decides to run.  They are great Americans and I'm proud to support both of them."  

So Willie endorses two candidates.  Is he so stoned he votes twice?  This is the problem with your base being blasted on de' 'erb, mon.   They're highly motivated, but only to lean forward from the couch to grab the bong and the bic.

 Mick and Keith...Does anyone really care anymore?

The Glimmer Twins, back when their love 
was a fresh as the first spring rain.

Rumor from across the pond is that Mick Jagger has a new band and the Stones are finito.   Dave Stewart (Eurythmics) will play the other grandpa with Mick along with Joss "Will Fuck For Tracks" Stone as the saucy granddaughter and a couple of other really foreign looking duds (typo but I'll keep it) who I've never heard of to round out the diversity quotient (and the wacky neighbor role...like a sitcom). The name of this super duper supergroup is reportedly Super Heavy.  Wow, that's heaaaavvvyyyy, maaaaaaaaan!!  Super heavy.  

Keith Richards and his homosexual lover longtime bandmate are feuding because in Keith's autobiography Mr. Richards portrays Mick as a complete fucking tool with a small tallywacker to boot.  Yeah...that would probably piss me off too.

No Sale...No Tail!

Sorry Eliot, no politicians at this Poon Party.

Munich Re is a big assed German insurance company.  It is so big that it is actually in the business of insuring other insurance companies.  Damn...who even knew?   Didn't we fight a bloody war in the 40's to prevent Krauts from having big stuff?  They always do bad things with big stuff.  

Anyhoodle, it is good to be a salesman at Munich Re.  It was revealed that in 2007 the company had a big shebang (tee hee) in Budapest and rewarded the top salesmen with a snizz party.  With typical German efficiency the strumpets got their hand stamped after each servicing.  A trollop timecard if you will.  They even wore colored wristbands.  The white ones were really good whores reserved for the really good salesman.  The ones with the yellow wristbands had pimples on their ass, saggy tits and hadn't been to a doctor for a while.  The not-so-top sales guys got the bargain basement snooch.  Bummer. Work a little harder next quarter asshole.  At least they gone some action. The bottom of the sales force got bupkis.  In the immortal words of Blake in Glengarry Glen Ross, "Put. That. Pussy. Down.  Pussy's for closers."  

Oh....the top tier female salesforce?   Uh....Tupperware, I guess. 

With each promotion you get one free rape!

IMF Banker Ima Suckyouoff on her way 
to a meeting on Nigerian debt relief. 

Which brings us to more Eurotrash fuckery.  We all know about DSK (The IMF rapist so famous he's now known by his initials.  That's way cooler than Madonna or Cher even!)   Well, the manhole is now off the sewer and it is now coming out that the IMF is basically just one big Naughty Vicar and the Serving Wench sketch on the Benny Hill Show.  A lot of the women even eschewed wearing skirts to tamper down the ardor of the ever priapic economists.  Who said all that international finance stuff was boring?  After reading the article it's more like being a rock star with a Savile Row suit.   

Maybe it was the morning puke breath that drove Leo away.

Super hot Supermodel and ex Leonardo DiCaprio 
fuck buddy Bar Rafelli demonstrating 
to a friend how she maintains that Supermodel figure. 

Have you noticed?   Every other picture of a celebrity is them on vacation in some sun dappled paradise lounging around on a fucking yacht.  I don't ever want to hear a word from these people that could even be construed as a bitch or a complaint.  The only thing they should say publicly is, "I thank God (Gaia, Allah, Jesus, Buddha, whatever) that somebody as marginally talented as I can live the life of a oil rich potentate.  And thank you to all the people that buy tickets to my crappy movies or pay to listen to the shit that I pass off as music.  I am now, and will always be eternally grateful."  

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Well, that's one way to get the Jews to move.

Coming to the City by the Bay in November?  A measure on the ballot to ban male circumcision in the city of San Francisco.  The new law, if enacted, will be punishable by fines and/or jail time.  It would apply to all males under 18 with no exceptions for religious practices.

Supporters of the law call circumcision genital mutilation, which, strictly defined, it probably is.  But it ain't akin to clitoridectomy.  Circumcision removes excess skin and clitoridectomy removes the source of pleasure in a woman.  If they pass a law that says some doctor is gonna cut off my glans penis...well, let's just say someone is going to meet my 12 gauge.

This is a topic that could be debated ad infinitum, but only in a Nanny Lib city like San Francisco would they vote to take the choice away from parents.  (And Jewish tradition.)  If this passes expect decades of litigation.

Ban the bris? 
I'll give your pestelah a bris, ya' goyim bastards. 

As you know, The Funeral Guy is not gay (putting aside some non-committal and completely academic curiosity about Thai Lady Boys).  I myself am a "helmet" (like 80% of American males) and not an "anteater".  (Ladies, figure it out.)  The only dog I have in this fight is that I hate the fact that government (city, state or federal) would get involved in this.  This is a cultural and personal issue.  Sure, most males don't have a choice in the matter.  But you know what?  When you're a baby there's a whole slew of shit you don't have a choice in.  That's just life.  I had a friend that was circumcised at the age of 18 and he said it hurt like a sonofabitch.  I read in Elvis's biography that he was embarrassed about his "hillbilly dick".  To which the only answer could be, "Dude, you're Elvis and you have a dick.  The world of pussy is pretty much your oyster" (So to speak).   As for me the deal is done and that's that.  No going back.  Some argue that the uncut penis is more sensitive than the cut one.  I wouldn't know about that, but if the giggle in my giggle stick was even more rapturous than it is now, I would probably just spend my days sitting around compulsively masturbating like a monkey in a zoo.  When it comes to the ladies?  Mrs. Funeral Guy says she finds the extra skin of an anteater cock off-putting.  I think her exact words were, "Eeeuuuww, gross."  On the other hand (tee hee), some of the gals on Yahoo! Answers were quite enthusiastic about uncut weenies.  "More fun to play with" seemed to be the consensus   Yahoo!!!!, indeed.   (As the population of uncircumcised males goes up, it stands to reason that women will become more used to them.)

I can't help but think the huge gay community of SF might be the impetus for this.  A quick Google search for Uncut Gay Porn only brought up 5,590,000 hits.  Could it be that certain people are just looking for more docking partners?  Docking.  Yes, it requires two uncut men and involves pretty much what you would imagine.  You can do your own search if you want to, there are some things even I don't want to see.  Much less touch with a ten foot pole.

Ahnolds Squeeze Revealed! (And it's not a pretty picture.)

I was going to let the Schwarzenegger "Love Child" story die a natural death, but I've got to take a final shot.  (If all sorts of great looking whores with pictures and sordid stories start crawling from the baseboards all bets are off.)

The UK Mail (Brit papers are the only good ones anymore) has photos of the family maid that Ahnold put in the family way.  Her name is Mildred Baena.  She is fifty years old now and her son is 14.  Math is not my forte' but by taking off my shoes and socks I've determined Mildred was 36 when she was getting the poke from the Austrian Oak.

Now I don't know what Mildred looked like 14 years ago when she was 20.  Maybe she was a hot Latina firecracker.  Some gals have a short window of babeitude.  That's just the way life works.   Fourteen years ago Maria Shriver looked pretty good but in need of a few sandwiches.  Women can never understand when men cheat on their attractive wives.  (Or at least women that other woman find attractive.  Women think Sarah Jessica Parker is attractive.  Men don't.  Trust me.)  One of the only funny things Maureen Dowd ever wrote was when she was pondering the appeal of Monica Lewinsky to a sitting President.  She wrote Bill Clinton just grabbed "the closest doughnut on the platter."  Ms. Dowd, you have just found one of the keys to understanding male sexuality.  (Full disclosure: my past life has not been exemplary as my regular readers know.)

Mildred Benea Now.  
I've seen some hot older Mexican broads.
Mildred ain't one of them. 

So here's today's lesson for my fellow men.  Don't fuck around on your wife for any reason.  It's a bad deal all the way around.  You will regret it.  OK. Now that I have that disclaimer out of the way for my wife's sake and you're not going to listen to me anyway, think on this.

Guys, this is the new age.  Everybody has a camera, a Facebook page and a big mouth.  If you fuck around you have a 99.9% chance of all the bad shit you're doing being found out.  If you're a celebrity or political figure the number rises to 100% so this is mainly for you.  Regular schlubs can sometimes work things out because the humiliations are not so public.  So, seriously, think long and hard (then get your dick short and soft and think again) about that piece of ass you just have to have.  There's a good chance you're throwing your reputation, you career, your family and all you've worked for down the volcano.

TMZ just posted some new photos.  I now know what she looked like 14 years ago, and OH MY GOD!

Mildred one year before the "Love Child" conception.
This made Arnold out of control horny?  

Mildred as she looked right before the 
Terminator Spawn burst from her lady parts.  

I don't want to be unkind.  I'm sure Mildred is a perfectly nice woman.  If you put aside the fact that she willingly boned her employer's husband, that is.  But let's be brutally honest.  This is not movie star fuck material.  (In my mind she's barely two in the morning last call at the bar material.)  Along with being an asshole for cheating on his wife, Schwarzenegger should be really fucking embarrassed by this.  Maureen Dowd's closest doughnut on the platter theory writ large.  What the hell was he thinking?

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Anytime you have a headline with the words "Staff" "Member" and Schwarzenegger in it you know you have a juicy story.

We all knew about the former Governator and his wife Maria separating after 25 years of marriage.  Well it now turns out that Ahnold put his "member" (or "staff" if you prefer) in one of the household staff.  Female, we will presume, since lo and behold a little Austrian Oak (or Oakette) popped out.  Uh, oh, I bet he wasn't "over the moon" about that little slip up.  (And no.  We here at The Funeral Guy are not going to respect your family through this difficult time.  The Funeral Guy is not in the celebrity douchebag respect business.)  Why is this always referred to as a "love child"?  Most of the time I would suspect that "Love" has nothing to do with it.  I do have other "L" words in mind, however.  (That would be Lust, Licentiousness, Lasciviousness, Lechery, Lewdness or Libido in case you need help.)

Arnold and wife Skeletor Maria

The parties involved ain't talkin' and understandably so.  What's Maria going to say?  "I'm a Kennedy.  I grew up in a family where you would walk into the kitchen and one of the guys would be diddling the cook from behind while she was making Eggs Benedict.  It was more or less a daily occurrence.  When I was a kid the men would gather after dinner in the library for brandy, cigars and blow jobs from the maid.  I just stopped noticing after awhile.  That said, I certainly expected my husband Arnold to maintain a higher moral stance because he was a major action movie star.  If you can't trust a Hollywood celebrity, who can you trust?"

 No photos available of the staff member but considering 
the risk involved it better look like this.  

Good Kennedy Family gossip here.  Read the stuff about the former president.  Man, if all that is true, the dude was a pathological satyr.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Some guy on CNN is gay. Possibly two guys. Are there more? One can only wonder.

I never watch CNN.  It's boring and liberal and boring.  I know who Larry King is but he's gone.  Don Lemon is apparently an anchor on the network.  He tweeted that he was gay.  I'm pretty sure Larry King wasn't gay.  He had sex with his sister-in-law.  That's not gay.  I know a lot of folks tweet, but I think tweeting is kinda gay.  Don Lemon even wrote a book about being gay...and black...apparently that's double hard.  No pun intended...really.   I don't really know who Don Lemon is.  Because I never watch CNN, I guess.  Isn't Anderson Cooper supposed to be gay?  Did he tweet about it?  Everybody seems to be tweeting.  If they called it something else like "short bursts of typing" it might sound less gay.  I really don't know about these things.  I need to get out more.  I'm beginning to suspect that a lot of people are gay.  Do I care?  I don't actually.  Sometimes when I run out of things to say I'm tempted to drop into the conversation that I'm gay.  I think it would be funny, but my wife wouldn't.  I'm pretty sure she'd be embarrassed.  Even more embarrassed than she usually is by my behavior.  I had a discussion with someone once about if we would let a Thai Lady Boy give us oral sex.  I said I probably would.  That's kinda gay.  But not really really gay.  Because it's like a girl and you don't touch the other part.  So not gay.  Purely hypothetical.  Although I hope my wife doesn't read this.  That would be embarrassing.

 Don Lemon.  Confirmed Gay. 
Looks like a nice young man. 
I really like his tie. 

Anderson Cooper.  Gay? 
I read once he collects antiques.  
His blue eyes are really pretty. 

This is really all I have to say on this matter.  Is it too much for a tweet?  I need to try that sometime.  Go back to whatever it was you were doing.

French IMF head is an even bigger shitbird than first suspected.

Let's put aside for a moment that this fucking mope is basically a stupid spray tanned bag of cum with a spear for a dick.

Dominique Strauss-Kahn is a socialist, as in capital S, Socialist Party.  You know, the ones that want to stick their big Gallic euro-schnozzes into everybody else's business.  Always going on and on about equality blah, blah, blah.  Well,  it turns out when he was doing his dinky-do with the chambermaid he was staying in a $3000 a night room at one of New York's swankiest hotels.  The EU economy is going down the dumper right quick, all the leaders are preaching austerity, austerity, austerity and Mr. Fire Balls here is living like a Saudi prince.  Seriously, who the fuck does this guy think he is?  Al Gore?  John Edwards?  Sheeesh!!!!

It is now coming to light that Monsieur Strauss-Kahn is like Tiger Woods without the backswing.  I'm only talking in terms of risky horniness.  Tiger was a guy who had to dodge all the pussy being thrown his way and couldn't help but catch some of the overflow.  Rape was never on his scorecard.  This French asshole is just a stubby little troll who saw what he wanted and took it as his natural right.  (There are now other women coming out of the woodwork singing the same song about this masher.)   I'm waiting for the rest of the nose in the air Eurotrash to start tut-tutting about us Americans and our prudish attitudes toward sex.  Yeah, we don't think rape is that cool.  You wanna do something about it?

 Dominique Strauss-Kahn being "Frog" marched into a NYC courtroom.   
This should make a good campaign poster 
when he runs for President of France.  

Let's review what we have so far.  (Innocent until proven guilty...yada yada yada...)  The maid is cleaning the room.  Dominique (I can't get over the chick name on this dude.  Maybe that's part of his problem.) comes out of the bathroom in his birthday suit.   Let's assume he's at full mast and pretty as a picture.  He then chased her down a hallway and pulled her into a room and assaulted her.   The victim fought him off and then he dragged her into the bathroom and forced her to perform oral sex while trying to get her panties off.  The maid sustained some injuries during the attack and one can hope that Dominique was at least courteous enough to tell her, "You might want to put some ice on that."  (Damn, I was just thinking.  This guy is my age.  I would have been winded as shit and clutching my chest after all this exertion.  And he kept a stiffy during all this?  You can't fool me.  Cialis for daily use.)  Oh, and let's add this wrinkle.  Left wing white man sexually assaults African (assuming black) hotel maid.  Liberals? Al Sharpton?  Hello?  (chirp...chirp....chirp....)

The thing that kills me?  They caught him because after he hightailed it to his plane (First Class seating, of course.) he called the hotel to see if someone could bring him his cell phone.  Didn't want to lose all the pics of his boner that he has on it would be my guess.  What a fucking dumbass.  Criminals that stick up 7-11's and drop their wallets at the scene laugh at this jamoke.

I posted yesterday that nothing would happen to this guy but I'm starting to reassess.  The judge said flight risk, no bail.  (Roman Polanski spoiled that dodge for all the foreign rapists.)  He's off to Rikers Island where he may pick up some lessons in sexual assault from some real pros.  I'm beginning to think this jerk-off is in some deep shit.  There's only two conclusions you can come to about this guy.  With all he is and all he has to lose he must either be just one of those powerful guys who thinks he can get away with anything.  (Cough cough...former president....cough...cough...)  Or he is completely deranged.

Maybe Bill Clinton can get his law license reinstated and join his defense team.

  "I'm just going to tell you this once.  I did not have 
sexual relations with that woman...that African hotel maid."