Monday, November 30, 2009

Life imitates art. Well, maybe not art, but South Park.

One of the funniest episodes of South Park is where Eric Cartman leads a pogrom against the Gingers,  i.e. kids with red hair, pale skin and freckles.  As usual, Matt Parker and Trey Stone, the creators of South Park put together a brilliant lampoon about prejudice with Cartman becoming a little Hitler as he demonized the Gingers as being "soulless" and "evil".

Three boys (two age 12 and one 13 year old) at A. E. Wright Middle School in Calabasas, CA decided to meld Facebook with typical teenage male sociopathy and came up with "National Kick a Ginger Day".   According to LA County Sheriffs 4 boys and 3 girls of red-headed persuasion were subjected to a day of physical and verbal abuse by the adolescent brownshirt wannabees.  The boys were detained, charged, then released to their parents.  Dozens of other kids left messages on the Facebook page also claiming attacks on other red haired kids.

My goodness, what are we to make of all this?   Well, obviously, it was cruel and stupid.  I've always hated bullies, but many boys at this age are cruel, stupid bullies.  Most grow out of it.  I'm sure the perpetrators of this just thought they were being funny.  (For those of you who don't live in SoCal, Calabasas isn't exactly a war zone of social pathologies.)   A parental punishment, a good talking to, and a sincere apology would probably teach a sufficient lesson about acting like a sadistic asshole.  Lord of the Flies this ain't.

But this is the modern American education culture we're talking about here.  I'm betting these kids will be frog marched into some kind of show trial in the principal's office coupled with re-education with an army of diversity bureaucrats and possibly ritalin therapy.  For good measure, hand wringing op-eds in the LA Times will follow, I'm sure.

Not too mention a stain on their PERMANENT RECORD.

Careful, bullies.  Sometimes Gingers grow up to be
steroid enhanced, rage-filled, vengeful monsters.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Died on this date:

George Harrison
Feb. 25, 1943-Nov. 29, 2001
(Age 58)

Being a drummer, I was a big admirer of Ringo, but George was my favorite Beatle.  He had an unassuming manner and a sly sense of humor.  George always gave the impression that he'd be a good bloke to sit down and have a drink with.  (Ringo, you're invited also.)

As a musician George Harrison was a great guitarist.  Like Ringo on the drums he wasn't flash but everything he played was perfect.  He consistently makes the Top Ten lists of best guitarists.  In his best moments his songwriting equaled that of his more prolific bandmates.  Don't Bother Me,  If I Needed Someone, Something, While My Guitar Gently Weeps are all classics.

His post Beatles career was hit and miss in my opinion, but The Traveling Wilburys is a capper that anyone would be proud of.  (It doesn't hurt to be joined by Roy Orbison, Tom Petty, Jeff Lynne and Bob Dylan.)

From complications of cancer.  George was cremated and his ashes scattered in the Ganges River.

Here is an acoustic version of While My Guitar Gently Weeps.  Wonderful.

I'm Back...Gosh, I missed you guys.

I can't believe vacation is over and tomorrow is back to the grind of processing the newly departed.  It's like that old joke's punchline, "Tea time's over, back on your heads."  (For those not familiar go here and scroll to joke #12.)

I like cruises, but by the time we pull into final port I'm most assuredly done and done.  Seven days of high octane breakfast, lunch and dinner is more than enough for anyone and I needs to hie me to the gym pronto.  (They had one on the ship, of course.  It was the room covered in cobwebs that you passed on the way to the ice cream bar.)  That being said, Hawaii, to this drought exhausted Californian, is really purty, AND REALLY REALLY GREEN!  I particularly enjoyed seeing Punchbowl National Cemetery (Ernie Pyle is buried there) and some really cool old Japanese and Chinese cemeteries.  Nice to see old fashioned headstones and monuments.  It hearkened back to a time when cemeteries were cemeteries, as opposed to memorial parks.  Pearl Harbor was awesome in the most literal sense of the word.  They have actual survivors that volunteer there.  Amazing stories.  I'm glad I finally visited Hawaii before I shed the mortal coil, but to be honest I don't want to hear the words aloha, mahalo or any twenty syllable word ending in a vowel for at least another decade.  Ditto that horrible music and clothing in tropical prints.

So what went on while I was gone?  Well, from what I could glean from the spotty cable and the $8.00 per minute internet available on the ship, about what you'd expect for a long holiday weekend.

The Wimp and The Blimp.  
I just can't get enough.
How 'bout you?
I see that The Bamster's poll numbers keep sliding down the bannister of the American consciousness.  Buyer's remorse?  To add another lump of coal to our economically dreary Christmas stocking we'll apparently be treated to an Oprah and Obama Christmas special.  Special????  How can you be special when you're already on the goddam tube 24 hours a day?  For god's sake, leave us alone.  Oprah and Obama's numbers are tanking in tandem and for some reason I don't think that Michelle and the girls sweet talking and goo-gooing with Santa is going to help.

OK, Fred.  You can take off the bear suit.
The jig is up.
In more Obambi news.  Our globe trotting globalist citizen-of-the-world historic-in-all-he-does president  will be heading to Copenhagen to dazzle the planet with his receding ocean act.  Oops.  Bad timing, Mr. President, as the scandal of the Climate Research Unit's emails goes viral and exposes global warming as the trumped up scam that it always was.  Science?  We don't need no stinking science.  Conclusion first, then we make the facts fit the conclusion.  See how much easier that is?  Especially when all we want to do is reorder the world economy and change the way every person on the planet lives their life.  Albert Einstein, Jonas Salk and all the other great scientists of history must be spinning in their graves.  These global warming charlatans are worse than political hacks.  We expect politicians to fudge and lie.  We like to think that scientists are better than that.  Well guess what?  When they have an agenda, they're not.

At least one of these phonies has been elected to something.  
Can you guess who?
The White House had its first state dinner the other night.  It was in honor of the Prime Minister of India whose name I'm not even going to bother trying to spell.  Anyway, a couple of famewhore grifters by the name of Michaele and Tareq Salahi, managed to sashay their uninvited asses into the White House for the festivities.  So much for the exalted Secret Service.  (By way of comparison, Mrs. Funeral Guy and I were subjected to TSA level stripping, wanding and "Can I see your papers please?" bullshit everytime we left and came back on the ship.)  I do think some of the commentary has been a bit overwrought, however.  I actually heard one talking head say upon seeing the picture of the two mountebanks meeting the president, "Why, what if they had been covered in anthrax?"  Oh, yes.  There's a possibility.  And what if the guy had AIDS and just happened to start buggering Obama in the reception line?  Go ahead...laugh.  It could happen.  Michaele Tareq is a semi-good looking blonde, which is what gives this story it's hook.  (Or it's legs, you might say.)  She claims she was a cheerleader for a pro football team and a Victoria's Secret model which has all turned out to be rank mendacity.  I mean, she's boink worthy but she's no cheerleading lingerie model.  Michaele and Tareq are shopping their story around which is a good thing since it turns out they are scammers and deadbeats and owe a lot of people money.  No wonder they were attracted to this White House.

Tiger and the Misses.
Sweet and wholesome.
Wife material.
Speaking of gate crashers.  Tiger Woods, Americas golfing sweetheart, went crashing down his own driveway at 2:25 AM last Friday then subsequently lost a battle with both a tree and a fire hydrant.  Again proving what your mother always said about nothing good ever happening after 2:00 in the morning.  To say the details of this story are murky would be to refuse the Ganges River it's due.  When the police showed up post mayhem there was Tiger, his face decorated with cuts and bruises, lying in the driveway with the Mrs. standing over him holding (wielding?) a golf club.  The official story from the Woods' is that Tiger lost control of the car and Mrs. Tiger used the golf club to smash the rear window (yes, the rear window) so she could pull her meal ticket hubby out of the wreckage.  Safety Note: An injured driver should always be dragged over the seats and through the rear window after a crash.  We should pause here to repeat a little gossip that the family man darling of the golfing world has been rumored to be involved (as they say) with a New York night club hostess by the name of Rachel Uchitel.  Ms. Hotbody has now lawyered up with Gloria Allred which is a sure sign that she is guilty of something.

Rachel "Va Va Voom" Uchitel.  Denyin' or lyin'.
Guys?  What do you think?
Meanwhile, Tiger, has been successfully avoiding a sit down with the coppers.  (Don't you dare try that Mr. Not Famous Golfer, you.)   Every guy in the world knows what happened on this one.  Tiger got caught.  Tiger got clawed in the face (irony alert!).  Then Tiger got chased down the driveway having his back window smashed by an extremely pissed off, golf club swinging Mrs. Tiger (irony alert, again!).  If this would have been you, Mr. Non-Golfer Husband, you'd have been chased with an old-fashioned rolling pin.

Adam Lambert.  
Shrinking violet.
Lastly, in entertainment news.  Adam Lambert, American Idol runner up, dispelled all doubt that he is not only gay but GAAAAAAAY!!!!!!! by performing at the American Music Awards completely nude with a guitar neck up his ass while swishing about the stage with another man's mouth firmly attached to his flesh pole.  I didn't see this happen, mind you, but from what I heard this sounds like the gist of it.  AMERICA WAS OUTRAGED!!!!  At least to the point where Good Morning America cancelled it's interview with the glittery Ms. Lambert.  Adam was unapologetic and sniffed that nobody as much as raised an eyebrow when Britney and Madonna and Christina did their onstage kissing.  Well actually, they did, but anyway, it's clear that Adam doesn't understand that lesbians are hot and people like watching them make out but the same doesn't apply to male homosexuals.  Unfair, AL?  Maybe.  But, alas, true.

Mahalo and aloha.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Just a quick personal observation:

One of the reasons I really like cruises is that there is someone always older and more out of shape than I am.

Man waves his junk at passing warming blamed.

Well, it was hot out and his weenie needed some air.  Alright.  I made it up.  But it makes about as much sense as this story.

"Climate change pushes poor women to prostitution, dangerous work."

I've never heard of this website but it seems real enamored with the United Nations, Copenhagen and other bastions of moonbat leftism, with Global Warming, Climate Change, Hey, It's Too Fucking Hot, or whatever the hell (tee hee) they're calling it this week, a major focus.

Global Warming causes prostitution?
Thats hawt!!!!!!

I hate to break it to the folks at GMA News, but poor women have always been pushed towards prostitution and women in Asia have born the brunt of poverty for eons.  Global warming doesn't have fuck all to do with it.  Sorry, but I think you'll need to find another misery to hang around the neck of the the climate change scam.

OK. You expect politicians to over promise but come on...

No more Death.  
This the promise of a man that was 
born with the looks of a true undertaker.

So much fun watching the giddy back-slapping buffoonery of the three amigos, Reid, Dodd and Harkin yesterday.  Dodd tells us that we are going to realize the dream of giving healthcare to every single American, and even invoked the memory of his old Waitress Sandwich buddy, Ted Kennedy.  Nice sentiment, but not even close to true.  These "plans" still leave millions uninsured.  But, what the fuck?  We have senators in front of a camera, so don't spare the smoke to blow up the collective ass of the citizenry, eh?

But this one from Harry Reid, really broke the bounds of gravity.  He actually said this.  "...This nation will finally guarantee its people the right to live free from the fear of illness and death."  (Emphasis added)  Really????  Ya' hear that?  What the hell am I going to do?  Get a green job, I guess.  It's like he channeled Blue Oyster Cult.   People don't fear the reaper.  No more illness, no more death.  Obamacare will give you immortality.  The oceans will begin to subside....hope and change...hope and change....

Friday, November 20, 2009

Or you could give subscriptions to Playboy and Mortuary Management magazines this year.

This looks like an interesting book.  Just in time for Christmas!  It covers two of my favorite topics.  Sex and death.  Can there be two more fundamental ones?

Most people would give a big thumbs up to the former, while hoping that the other would simply go away. I know my dad, the lawyer, was always looking for the loophole.  He didn't find it.

So put it on your coffee table the next time the in-laws are over.  A real conversation starter, I bet.  I'm hoping it will be in my stocking this year.

h/t GoodShit (Condolences to Fred on his brother's passing.)

For those who might be worried...

Mrs. Funeral Guy and I made it to Honolulu and are going to see Pearl Harbor and all that WWII stuff tomorrow before getting on the boat.

I am going to try not to make this a travelogue because frankly, that would be boring.  So unless I see something truly weird and can get a photo (like the morgue on the ship!) it should be the usual rantings.

This photo is from tbird, warning me not to get too much sun.

This is truly a WTF? picture.  
A joke or just your average over-tanned Guido?  
And why is that girl allowing herself to touched,  
not to mention photographed with this horse's ass?  

Aloha oe!

Mrs. Funeral Guy is taking yours truly on a Hawaiian cruise to celebrate my big 60th birthday.  We will be gone through Thanksgiving week.  While you're slaving over a hot turkey for relatives you can't stand we'll be having a week of sun, sand, sea and hopefully that other "s" word that ends with "ex".  (Which reminds me.  I've got to call the pharmacy and get my Cialis prescription refilled.)

Hey, you two.  Get the fuck out of the way.  
You're spoiling the goddam sunset.

Why am I telling you this other than to make you uncontrollably jealous?  I just wanted to warn my readers (both of you) that posting will be sporadic to non-existent depending on my mood and a wi-fi connection.

So, Aloha.  Which I understand means both "hello" and "goodbye" from a people that are so tropical and laid back that they couldn't be bothered to come up with two separate words for such everyday human interactions.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Female Viagra??!! Good lord, we'll never get any work done.

Doctor, Doctor, give me the news.  
I gotta bad case of lovin' you.

Another sexual enhancer that came (no pun intended) from research into another problem.  Filbanserin was being investigated as an anti-depressant when women reported a "increase in libido that they liked."  Well, who wouldn't?  Putting aside the need for yet another mood altering substance on the market, this could be a real breakthrough.

Men have problems with erection.  Women have problems with desire.  'Twas ever thus.  All in all by upper middle age you're supposed to be occupied with other things, but now perhaps all commerce can come to a stop so that young and old alike can just do the shag nasty all day long.

The world comes to an end with both a bang and a whimper.  Nice.

As always scientists have to be very careful.  Unintended consequences and Frankenstein's monsters abound in experiments gone awry.  Full disclaimer and warning.  Click here.  Might be disturbing to some ladies.  (Hell, it was somewhat disturbing to me, and I've seen everything.)  Definitely NSFW.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Be careful picking up the soap Superman, that might be kryptonite in his pants.

It had to happen, I suppose.  The first comic book featuring gay superheroes.  With all the tight, stretchy costumes of traditional superheroes how will we be able to tell?

 I predict that this will be required reading in American public schools by next year.  Mandated by the Obama Department of Education.

The Spandex Superheroes.  
Fighting for Truth, Justice...and Fabulousness!!  
(And, oh yeah, hate crimes.)

Last Will And Testament. Farrah Stiffs Ryan.

Ryan O'Neil gets the Joe Jackson treatment from long time companion Farrah Fawcett.  Ryan says he's perfectly OK with being left out of the will, but hey, it's gotta hurt a little bit when Farrah's ex-lover, Gregory Lawrence Lott, gets 100 grand.  Just a little quick math tells me that's a hundred thousand more than you got, Ryan.  Ouch.

Drug addict son, Redmond, pulled in the most schmundo.  A cool 4.5 million samollians.  Hopefully, they'll dole that out at about $100 a week or Redmond will be seeing mom at the Pearly Gates a few days after parole with the needle still in his arm.

Farrah.  As we'll always remember her.

Farrah Fawcett.  Always a trouper.  
Wearing a bathing suit when it's obviously cold outside.  
The poster that launched a thousand erections.

Wear a skirt...It's the law!

The wearing of trousers by women is still banned in Paris.  Vive la France!

We at The Funeral Guy would like to salute these two law-abiding citizens.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Quick Crime Hits For The Weekend.

As is their MO, the Obama administration announced on Friday while the Big Guy was out of town, that some terrorists will be tried as criminals in criminal courts, can we a least concede that they're reaaaaaaallllllyyyy, reaaaaaaaalllllyyy, BAD CRIMINALS?

With that in mind, we at TFG didn't want some of our more colorful mischief makers to get short shrift.

Pedo Perv Pinched.

David Roberts.  When he pounds his pud on his webcam 
does he think young girls mistake 
him for that dude in Twilight? 

Here's one from the UK Telegraph.   Cheryl Roberts, of Brigend, south Wales suspected that her husband, David, was doing a little more than just checking the Drudge Report during his alone time on the computer.  So she got on another computer and pretended to be a 14 year old girl and BINGO!  What did David do?  He started thumping his dummy, of course, and Cheryl turned him in to the coppers.

David, who also had tons of kiddie porn on his computer, realized he was busted big time, and pled out to indecency and other charges.   Mr. Hey-Little-Schoolgirl has to register as a sex offender, serve three years community service, with no internet,  and no kid contact.  And, oh, yeah, Mrs. Roberts said, "See you in divorce court."  Which leaves us with the question.  How would you rather get busted?  Your wife on the other computer?  Or Chris Hansen coming in from the kitchen?

This is Cheryl Roberts.  What the fuck!!??  
Maybe she has some explaining to do.
She's nude in front of the computer!

Bigger Boobs...Big Scam.

A 24 year old Texas woman, Trista Joy Lathern, was apparently feeling a little insecure about her man. So she said to herself, "I know what will bring joy to his heart and a spark to his pecker."  You got it.  Brand new plastic bazoos!  One problem.  Trista...she ain't got no money.  What to do, what to do?  I know.  Fake breast cancer, put on a big, old benefit and put the arm on the kind-hearted townsfolk and get some cash for some bigger lady lumps.  She even shaved her head so she would look like she was getting chemo.  What could go wrong with that?  She fooled friends, co-workers, and radio stations that promoted the event.  After getting the money, she went to a plastic surgeon who got suspicious because he knew about the event but she didn't mention any cancer.  He ratted her out to his attorney and he told the cops.  In the interim she found another plastic surgeon and got her new funbags.

I don't know how bad her tits were, 
but a makeover to something a little less dykey 
might have helped keep her man.

Oh, what a tangled web we weave.  When the truth came out everyone was understandably pissed.  Trista was arrested (she also had an outstanding warrant for a bad check) and her husband of 7 months filed for annulment and custody of their two sons, 5 and 3.  Uh-oh, I think somebody flunked little bastard math.  No word yet on whether the bolt-ons will be removed and auctioned off to pay restitution.

Degenerate Molesting Preacher Sentenced

Tony and Susan Alamo in the 70's.  
No red flags here, just matching shirts
made from Italian restaurant tablecloths. 

Tony Alamo, an unhinged "pastor" who I swear has been littering parking lots with his stupid pamphlets for at least 50 years, was finally sentenced to the stony lonesome for doing that thing that all cult of personality religious fruitcakes end up doing.  Taking little girls and making them brides.  How creepy is that?  I don't know.  Ask David Koresh, Jim Jones, FLDS leader, Warren Jeffs, Children of God founder, David Berg, and a whole bunch of men in Islamic countries.

Perverted old goat sporting a goatee. 
Off to the Big House.

Alamo, who is 75, got a 175 year slam down by the judge, but that's OK.  As long as he minds his P's and Q's while in the joint, he should be eligible for parole when he's 163.

Exploited Stripper or Psycho Femi-nazi. 

Another licentious lass from across the pond, Sophie Mardon, 26, is either a major bitch or a feminist heroine depending on your point of view.

Sophie Mardon.  
Pissed-off pole dancer prepared poisoned pudding.

Sophie, who was a clerical worker by day and saucy stripper by night, was found guilty of trying to poison her boyfriend, Martyn Kay, 31, his brother Neal, 26, and their father, Neil, 55, by putting anti-freeze in their pudding.  A sweet, creamy dessert turned deadly!  Fortunately, it tasted like such shite that the guys turned thumbs down and didn't eat a fatal amount.   She left them notes apologizing for the attempt and was arrested, but then stabbed Martyn in the leg while they were together in the car.  And you thought you had some batshit crazy girlfriend stories.

Sophie's explanation for this sorry episode (for which she received 33 months) is that in addition to her day job, her stripping job (Martyn coerced her into this, she claims) she was expected to do the housework.  Somebody call Gloria Steinhem, there's male chauvinist oppression afoot!  She'd probably burn her bra but I'm guessing she's already tossed it to someone at the bar in the strip club.

I'm hoping that when she gets out that she and Martyn can make amends.  She may still have to do a little housework but nobody will be asking her what's for dessert.

My Emergency?  I'm Horny!

Joshua Basso, 29,  of Tampa, Florida (yes, you read that right, Florida again) is the biggest dumb-ass-waste-of-space moron on God's green earth.   Josh, (can I call you Josh?  'Cause you really are fucking hilarious) called 911 for phone sex.  No.  I'm not shitting you.  Why would even a low double digit IQ retard like Josh call 911 for a voice to beat his meat to?  Because his cell phone was out of minutes and 911 is free that's why.  Well, duuuuhhhh.  Gotta give him credit for at least that light bulb of logic switching on.

Joshua Basso.  Look at those eyes.  
This man is no stranger to substance abuse.  
Not to mention self-abuse.

According to the police report, Josh got a female operator on the 911 line and began asking her about her tits and her ass and if he could fuck her.  The usual heavy breather routine and all the while Joshie happily fap-fap-fapping away.  The call was easily traced and Joshua was arrested.   Not for the first time you may be shocked to find out.

Josh.  Some advice.  Stop smoking ganja.  Get a job, and get a plan with unlimited minutes.

"Dem Bones, Dem Bones, Dem Dry Bones"

Death Valley.  
It's not called Death Valley for nothing.  
Stay the fuck out.

OK.  Last one.  May or may not be a crime.  Some bones were found in Death Valley that may be linked to the disappearance of 4 German tourists back in 1996.  Skeletal remains and some identifying papers were found and authorities are waiting for test results to confirm identification.

I've had a died-in-the-desert person at the funeral home.  Bleached bones and a little hair.  There may be only one sure-fire way to identify if these bones are, in fact, the missing German tourists.  And that is if, on their bony, skeletal feet are these:

Socks with sandals.  
The preferred footwear of German tourists the world over.

Why I love National Review.

This is the latest cover.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Just a minor point.

Shouldn't these girls be nude?  

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Ugly Face? Nice Vajayjay?

Screw you,  
We found each other on our own.  
We're newlyweds.  And we're about to go cut  
our guests pieces of the Wedding Burger.

How would you like to be a Brit and be smacked in the gob with this in your morning paper?  Among the world's ugliest people, eh, mate?  This according to the dating site  The dating website only accepts the most attractive applicants by the vote of members who have already been accepted.  Swedish men and Norwegian women are apparently the hottest.  I'm sure most Brits would disagree with this assessment but considering the copious alcohol consumption in the UK how the hell would they know?

Pretty is as pretty does.

The lasses and ladettes may realize that there might not be much they can do about the hideous teeth or the not so comely face, but by gosh, they can pony up the brass for a porn star pussy.

According to this article on the BBC News website, labiaplasty, as the trimming down of the vaginal lips is called, is on a definite uptick.  Some women say they are doing it because it's more comfortable to ride a bicycle or to sit down without the larger lips.  Others admit that it's pure aesthetics.  Doctors disagree as to the possible side effects from the procedure.

What a topic.  I googled labiaplasty and bam, a lot of cosmetic surgery outfits are doing them which means a lot of ladies are getting it done.   (Close-up photos on some sites.  It's not porn.  It's medicine.)

My feeling on this is that I bet the the women with the bicycle and sitting down reasons are blowing smoke.  Look, we guys ride bikes, sit down and do all sorts of stuff with something a lot bigger (or at least I hope so) than the biggest labia between our legs and we somehow manage.  I think if women were completely honest,  99% would admit that the reason is they want to be more visually pleasing to their partner.  (I would guess that a lot of the trash talk on websites about "beef curtains" doesn't help raise confidence levels in women.)

I say when it comes to the love flower, vive la difference.  I mean, if you happen to naturally look like a 12-year old girl down there, then great.  That's you.  But to put yourself through painful surgery so you can look like some stylized version of a porn star?  Why?  I really don't get it.  Don't even get me started on every woman having to be shaved or bolt-on stripper tits.  Remember, this is your most intimate of areas you're asking some doctor to shave off.  How do you know you're not diminishing some sensitivity.  Would I risk it if it were me?  Nope.

Bottom line (tee hee).  Ladies, you're all a work of art and beautiful down there.  And I would be surprised if most men didn't agree with me.   Quite frankly, any man that nudged you to do this, I would seriously wonder about his motives and whether he may be spending a little too much time looking at porn.

Go here to find lots of links that show the infinite variety of that thing we love so much.  (It's art, Mrs. Funeral Guy, it's art!)

I spy with my little eye. Something that starts with "c" and rhymes with "ameltoe."

This had to be taken by a woman photographer.

Only a woman photographer would have missed the fact that she was about to become the Ansel Adams of cameltoe.

I speak for all guys, our hats are off to you.

(click to enlarge)

h/t Dlisted

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Final Tab for Jackson Funeral. A Cool Million.

I knew this was a big bucks funeral but, wowser!!!  This is just the bill for the evening service at Forest Lawn not the memorial service at Staples Center.

As I look over the expenses the only one that raises my eyebrows is the 35 large for the burial duds.  I sure would like to get a gander at those diamond encrusted underpants.  The big item, of course, is the spot in The Great Mausoleum at Forest Lawn, Glendale.  It's reported that places for other family members were purchased as well which could easily justify the $590,000.  Believe me, this is one sweet place to rest in perpetuity.  I was amused when I read that the Glendale Police Department and Forest Lawn told the family three days before the funeral that unless payment was received "the funeral would not proceed." I love it.  Star or no star the funeral home is gonna get paid.  I know Forest Lawn.  They're not the types that are awed by the likes of the Jackson family.

Forest Lawn Glendale.  The Great Mausoleum.

As for the rest of it.  The security, the vehicles, the flowers, the framed photograph, the "repast" after the service, doesn't surprise me in the least.  The Jackson's are as used to paying top dollar for stuff as people are used to charging them top dollar for stuff.  Michael Jackson and his family are the definition of "living large."  I would guess that they are quite pleased to have today's papers plastered with the story that they dropped a million bucks on the big star send-off.   It's their (make that Michael's) money to spend as they see fit, so more power to 'em.

Say goodbye to this big boobied bimbo, Joe.  
It'll be two dollar crack whores for you soon enough.

I'm enjoying the schadenfreude of reading that Pimp Daddy Joe Jackson is going to get exactly jack shit out of the estate.  I would suspect that a great deal of Michael's freakishness can be directly traced to the holy hell that Joe put him through as a child.  Any bets on how soon will it be before all the young pussy suddenly finds Joe pretty repulsive when he doesn't have a lot of money to throw around?   

Michael's revenge, indeed.

It's like Netflix...only dildoes!!!

Update:  After further clicking around the site (I was at work when I first checked this out) I'm realizing this is bullshit.  Too bad.  It's funny as a fake.  It would have been hysterical if true.

From tbird (of course)  Not a parody.  Link here.

Would you like a little AIDS with that dildo?  

I think some things are better purchased than rented.

In their FAQ this is naturally the first question:

How do you keep the toys clean and safe?
We've developed a patent-pending process for thoroughly cleaning each toy before it is sent out to a customer. Our extensive research and testing indicate that this will allow us to provide safe, hygienic sex toys without the fear of transmission of disease. Customers who are still concerned about safety can simply use a condom or other latex barrier with each toy.

How much are you going to trust an online (as the quaint term used to be) marital aid rental outfit? 

Yeah, me neither. 

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Science reveals fruit bats may be having more fun than you.

Yes, it's true.   Scientists have found that two thirds of female short nosed fruit bats give blowjobs to their male partners.  (No info on whether they take their little furry claw hand and stroke Mr. Fruit Bat's ballsack during the knob polish.)

Researchers found that the reward for Lady Fruit Bat was a longer bout of intercourse following the oral.  The fellators got four minutes of sexy time instead of the usual two.  Golly gosh.  Four whole minutes.  Maybe if Mr. Fruit Bat thought about baseball stats during the act it might help with that too-quick-on-the-trigger problem.

I was interested to learn that in addition to the fruit bats and humans (and you know some of you girls could try a little harder) bonobo chimpanzees are the only other species that will go for that little extra spice in the boudoir.

Frans de Waal, a primatologist at Emory University speculates there may be more animals smoking the pole, but the prudishness of researchers is stifling the research.

Prudish?  Does that even exist anymore?  These scientists need to sit down and watch a few episodes of Rock of Love.

Added bonus.  Fruit bat porn.


John Allen Muhammed
aka The DC Sniper
Spree Killer
Dec. 31, 1960-Nov. 10, 2009  
9:11PM EST
(Age 48)

Killed 10.

If he'd have committed these crimes here in California he could have lived to a ripe old age on Death Row and Paris would have eventually named a street after him, but c'est la vie.  Have fun in in Eternal Hell, fucker.

From lethal injection.  (They should have done that little shit Lee Boyd Malvo right after him.)

Monday, November 9, 2009

Honey?? I'm in the bathroom. Will you come here a minute? I need you to take a look at this.

Here is a joke I heard when I was a lad.

Teenage boy and girl are walking through the woods.

Boy says to girl:  Will you lift up your dress so I can see what's under there?

Girl:  OK.  (Lifts dress, boy looks.)

Boy:  Sure is a wonder!  (they walk a little farther.)

Boy:  Will you lift up your dress again and let me have another look?

Girl:  OK.  (Lifts dress, boy looks again.)

Boy:  Wow...It sure is a wonder!  (They keep walking with the scenario repeating a couple of more times.)

Girl:  You keep wanting to see under there.  What in the Sam Hill is such a wonder?

Boy:  It sure is a wonder that your guts don't fall out!!

Hahahahahahahaha!   Okay, not that great but when you're ten it's a hoot.

That was a long way to go to get to the gist of this post, but here goes.  tbird is concerned that there's been way too much penis stuff on The Funeral Guy so, ladies, he sent this for you.

First, a confession.  In the course of my duties at the funeral home, I have to tell you that I've seen just about everything.  Heads blown off by shotguns, bodies completely mangled in accidents, people that were decomposing for three weeks, horrible cancers, you name it.  You get to the point where you look at it and go..."hmmm, interesting...I wonder where I should go for lunch."  My little secret is that medical procedures and some conditions really have the power to make me straight out woozy.

So when I went to tbird's link and saw the headline--Woman's Health Horror: "My Vagina Fell Out." I asked Mrs. Funeral Guy to get me the smelling salts....STAT!!!!

To make a long story short, Allison Henry had a vaginal prolapse and then some.  (Now, I've seen Blooper Porn where some slag is getting anal and her ass falls out.  Gross, but hey, you brought that on yourself, dearie.  That's an outie not an innie.)  Anyway, back to Allison.  You really have to read the whole thing but just to give you the substance of the problem this is what her pelvic floor specialist said upon examination.  And this is a direct quote from the story-her doctor said this to her- "Holy crap--your vagina is falling out of your body, and it's dragging your bladder and your rectum along with it!"   Wow.  Great bedside manner, Doc.  That should keep the patient nice and calm.

I'll let you ladies pour over the lurid details of this woman's ordeal, and at this time I will also say--


The most amazing part of this woman's story is that after all these numerous surgeries to put her guts back up into her body she said (I really had to pick myself up off the floor after this one) "On top of this, I had a labia reduction, and that was brutal..."

So, just to back up the bus a bit.  Her vagina's falling out, her rectum is falling out, her bladder is falling out.  With all the pain and horror of having to have it all put back inside, her final request is, "You know doc?  While you're down there I'd really like to have me one of those nice little porn star pussies.  Fix me up, will ya'?"

God.  I need to lie down.

Allison Henry.  
Too Much Information or not enough conditioner?  

 Women sure are a sharing bunch aren't they?  She almost craps out her bladder, her hoo-hoo and her dumper, then writes an article about it and includes her picture.  That way if you ever meet her you can bring up the subject right away, while at the same time wondering how cute her new little minky looks.

You will never...and I repeat...never see a picture of a man accompanying an article with the title---
Man's Health Horror..."My Dick Fell Off."

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Fate's Fickle Finger Crashes Carrie's Christian Career.

I've always told my daughter two things.  Never get a tattoo that you can't hide under summer office clothing and never let a boyfriend/husband or whatever point any kind of camera at you while you're wearing anything less than a bathing suit.  Do a CIA type sweep of the bedroom if you have to.

Carrie Prejean's 15 minutes are over for the time being at least.  (Previous comments here.)  While at a settlement conference with the pageant poobahs Carrie got smacked with the ultimate trump card.  The pageant's attorney hit the play button on the TV and by all accounts there was our little Carrie strumming her love button and performing what is known in the porn biz as a "solo act."  According to TMZ (which along with the National Enquirer is more reliable in these matters than the now irrelevent New York Times) it took about 15 seconds before Carrie's millions went flying out the window and the settlement shrunk to $100,000 in lawyers fees.  I suppose it goes without saying that her stock with the Christian community has cratered faster than GM before the bailout.   She's already been dropped from one family values event and the rest of the dominoes are sure to follow.

I imagine the tape is kind of like this.  Only without the top.  And without the bottom.  And she's lying down.  And her eyes are kind of half closed and she's licking her moist lips and...and...say? it getting a little warm in here?  

Because of confidentiality agreements some of this stuff seems a little murky to me.  Some reports say the tape was taken by a boyfriend.  (I told 'ya girls!)  TMZ is not posting the tape because it's too racy.  Uh, yeah, it's not called porn for nothing, TMZ.  I'm sure it will turn up eventually as these things always do.  (Will I watch it when it does?  I feel that it's my duty to my readers to report.  So, yes, you betcha'.)

TMZ is also reporting today that just to make it a grand slam, when the tape was played Carrie's mom was also in the room.  Ouch!  Your mom catching you masturbate.  Carrie, darlin', a 13 year old Funeral Guy can relate.

So here's my take on this whole thing.   Carrie seems like a nice enough girl.  God knows she's shit hot. Without that magic question from that slimy douchebag Perez Hilton, Carrie Prejean would be less than a footnote.  She would probably have modeled for a few more years.  After that; marriage, 2.5 kids and a scrapbook with "look at how pretty mommy was" pictures.  But she did get the question.  She answered it as honestly and articulately as she could.  (An answer that our Dear Leader The Bamster supposedly agrees with, let's not forget.  But like everything else he says nobody really believes it.)  So down on her head comes the vast armies of the politically correct.  They made her famous.  Then the other side gave her a platform and she ran with it.  You don't involve yourself with beauty pageants and modeling because you're anti-fame.

Which brings us to the crash and burn.  She had to know that the tape was out there.  Then as we humans are wont to do she goes into denial sure that it will never show up.  Kids (OK-young adults) aren't any stupider than their parents were they just have the disadvantage of every electronic device made these days having a camera as a feature.   So it's easy to be either captured unaware during a stupid moment or being drunk enough to have the bad judgement to do it to yourself.   I came of age during the booze, blow and sex-soaked 70's.  Am I glad that the portable video device hadn't been invented yet?  Sure am.

I'm not too worried about Carrie, though.  She's gonna be fine.  Hell, we had a president that was exposed (tee hee) as a guy who was getting a knob polish by an intern half his age and a week later was standing at a podium giving the State of the Union address.  This is a forgiving country.

I'll be looking forward to her giving us all a leg show as a Fox News Babe in about 6 months.

Will the last person with a sense of humor in Great Britain please turn off the lights.

They must be having a contest for what country is the most stifling, insufferable  example of political correctness.  Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a winner.  It's Great Britain or shall we call it once Great Britain.

Benny Hill.  Sleazy purveyor of porn 
and harassment in the workplace. 
Shown here with a bevy of his poor victims 
of a hostile work environment.

Like our illustrious post office Britain's postal service (called The Royal Mail) picks stamps to commemorate certain aspects of British life.  This time they were looking to honor the 50th anniversary of ITV, and who better to be the face of ITV than Benny Hill whose program ran on ITV for 20 years.  For those of you that may be unaware Benny Hill was a rotund comedian who made a career out of skits that for the most part had one punchline. That punchline was that some comely lass would somehow end up in her underwear.  And at the end of the show Benny would usually be chased by a gaggle of comely lasses in, yes, their underwear.  That's it.  The humor was somewhere on the level of The Three Stooges, but as the Brits usually describe it...saucy.

Saucy, eh?  Well, that was all a little too much for the thin-lipped humorless drudges at The Royal Mail committee.  It was thumbs down for Benny.  The official reason?   "Benny Hill had been included in previous presentations but concerns were raised by our Public Relations team as it was in direct opposition to company's policies on harassment in the workplace."  The language of joy killing bureaucrats everywhere.

Coming soon to a country near you. 

Now Benny Hill may not be everyone's cup of tea.  My taste in British humor runs to Monty Python's Flying Circus and Fawlty Towers but Benny Hill is much beloved over there and believe me if The Benny Hill Show is too saucy to rate a postage stamp then something like Friends is hard core porn.

There really are people in this world that live in dire fear that someone, somewhere may be having a good time.

Here's a little taste of Benny Hill.  Watch it if you dare.  Or while you still can.

The Road to Serfdom continues apace.

San Fran Nan.  Bestower of all gifts. 
 Paid for with someone else's money.

Nancy "You Could Bounce A Dime Off My Face" Pelosi, convinced enough of her caucus to walk the plank in 2010 to pass a healthcare bill in the dead of Saturday night that no one read or could possibly understand if they did.  One Republican voted for it.  This will be hailed by The Bamster as bipartisan.

Next step is the Senate where we will see how many Senators want to keep their cushy jobs and perks.  To those of you who voted for this Hopey Changey circus, when your kids futures are stifled because of the confiscatory taxes needed to pay for this monstrosity, don't complain.  When your mom is told at 70 she's too old for a triple bypass, those of us who saw this coming don't want to hear any bitching.

But rest assured, your congress critters and your big lib Hollywood celebs won't be getting the same DMV health care you will.

Fuck you, Little People.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Died on this date:

Steve McQueen
March 24, 1930-Nov. 7, 1980
(Age 50)

If James Dean was the quintessence of "cool" in the 1950's Steve McQueen took over the title in the 60's and 70's.  Steve McQueen had a boyish quality while at the same time projected a masculine anti-hero type.  One of a kind, to be sure.  Steve had leading roles in some of my favorite movies from the period.  The Magnificent Seven, Soldier in the Rain, The Sand Pebbles, The Cincinnati Kid, Nevada Smith, Bulitt, Papillon and many more.

Steve's coolness became such a part of the culture a movie titled The Tao of Steve came out in 2000 starring Donal Logue as a personable schlub that scored with chicks by employing the essence of McQueen's coolness.  Good little indie flick.

Steve McQueen's death was not without controversy.  Diagnosed with mesothelioma in 1979, Steve sought non-traditional treatment in Mexico by a total quack who utilized coffee enemas, shampoos, injections of sheep and cow cells, massage and laetrile.   When he got back to the states his US doctors informed him his tumors had gotten so large that he wouldn't survive surgery to remove them.  He went back to Mexico to have the surgery done and died of heart failure the day after.

Some people will go to extreme lengths to escape the Grim Reaper.  For me, the words Mexico and medical treatment would tell me all I'd need to know.

Mike, Julie and the Strange Saga of the Burning Baby Batter.

My discerning reader tbird has been googling penis again scouring the interwebs for interesting stories and has come up with another one.

Newlyweds Mike and Julie Boyde threw contraceptive caution to the wind on their wedding night and went bareback for the first time in their two year relationship.  (Mike, you're a stronger man than I.  The Funeral Guy has always hated rubbers with a passion.  In a manner of speaking.)   Just to make a point of correction: the article states that Mike and Julie wanted to "consummate their union on their wedding night."  I don't know if this is a direct quote but regret to inform Mike and Julie that, strictly speaking, the union was consummated during the first fucky time.  Not the first time without the penis hat.

Anyway, I digress.  By all indications everything went as expected (although better for Mike, I bet) until the climactic blowing of the load.  And then.  Owweeeeeee!!!  Burny burny!!!   Instant gonorrhea perhaps?   Penicillin can take care of that, Missy, this is worse.  It turns out that it's not Mike.  Though how cool would it be to have Spunk of Fire?  Kind of like being Satan, I bet.  No, the problem is that Julie suffers from some malady that actually has a name.  Seminal plasma hypersensitivity.   Which besides the burning, hives, and blisters also kills Mikey's little squiggly swimmers what makes da chilluns.  So adoption is in the future for our unlucky young newlyweds.

I know a lot of you are saying, "OK, Funeral Guy.  We have a lot of fun here, but this is too much.  Making sport of what I'm sure is a very nice young couple who happen to have a rare tragic condition."  My answer to that would be that in a day not so far in the past you would have kept this kind of thing to yourself.  But since it appears that they had no saner heads around them to advise against it, these two went on a TV show called Strange Sex to tell us all about it.  So as far as The Funeral Guy is concerned...Ready, Aim, Sploosh.

Mike and Julie Boyde. 
 Mike has a pretty big smile on his face for a guy that's 
going to be wearing a jizz bag for his entire marriage. 

Muslim U.S. Army Major kills 13, wounds 30. Nation mobilizes to make sure no Muslim feelings are hurt.

This is one of those posts where I should probably count to ten before I hit the publish button.  Reams of ink and bandwidth have been spent on this story so there is no reason to really recap the details.  

My main concern is the reaction to events.  Not that I'm surprised by the denials of the obvious but that the denials of the obvious are now so predictable.  

Let's just do a partial recap of some of the horrors perpetrated by Islamic terrorists over the last eight years.  (These are just some of the more famous ones. For a more extensive list go here.)

9/11.  Muslim terrorists fly planes into the world trade center killing almost 3000 people on American soil. 
Bali nightclub bombings. 202 dead, 300 injured.
Train bombings in Madrid, Spain.  191 Dead, 1460 injured. 
The London Subway bombings.  53 dead, 700 injured.  
Mumbai India train bombings.  209 dead, 700 injured. 
Another terrorist attack in Mumbai with armed gunmen killing 174.
Throw in "honor killings" in Britain, Canada and the United States and, by golly, I'm beginning to see a pattern here and peaceful religion, it ain't. 

And now the latest.  Nadil Malik Hasan, a U. S. Army Major, goes berserk, screaming "Allahu Akbar" and opening fire with two handguns, killing 13 and wounding 30. This was after the Army knew he was posting screeds on the internet about US aggression against Muslims and expressing sympathy for suicide bombing.  Not to mention in his capacity as an Army psychiatrist he was spreading his pro jihad poison to the soldiers that he was treating.  I won't even bring up the convenience store video of Hasan shopping in full muslim garb.  

Nidal Malik Hasan.  Crazed, murderous Islamic terrorist.  Who with malice aforethought shot to death 12 of his fellow soldiers and 1 civilian security officer. 
Nidal Malik Hasan.  Innocent muslim soldier seduced by American gun culture who was sold defective pistols that went off by themselves accidently killing 13.  NRA and lax Texas gun laws are blamed.  Congress to call for hearings. 

And what have we been hearing from the lame brain libs like Chris Matthews and the New York Times editorial board?  Why, how important it is to find out his motive, of course.  Are you shitting me?   OK, I'll say it.  He was a muslim and he hated infidels so he ginned up his own personal jihad and killed as many of them as he could.  There's your motive.  That wasn't so hard was it?   I am so sick of the reaction after any terrorist attack when the same old script gets trotted out.  First, the FBI or some other Homeland Security apparatchik says, "we have no evidence that this had any connection with terrorism."  This 10 minutes after the incident.  Second, some political leader, usually the president, says something along the lines that "this doesn't reflect in any way on Islam."  (Bush was the worst with this load of crap.  Every time I heard him robotically repeat that "Islam is a religion of peace" bullshit I wanted to throw something at the TV.)  Third, a muslim leader or group (CAIR please stand up) will issue a statement with a brief show of sympathy for the victims and then will start in on a long litany of grievances about how muslims are discriminated against with the usual blame-it-all-on-Israel boilerplate.  Shit, you could set your watch by it.  

By the way, why is it that we never see crowds of muslims marching and carrying signs that say things like.  "Not In Our Name"  and "We Don't Believe in Jihad" and "We Love America and We're Americans First".   There are supposedly 4 million muslims in this country.  Where is the mass outcry from them about the supposed takeover of their religion by crazy fanatics?  (Cue sound of crickets...chirp chirp.)  

What's particularly disheartening about this particular episode is how frozen by political correctness even our armed forces have become.  This sad sack shitbag should have been 86'd the first time it became evident that he considered himself a promoter of Islamic ideology rather than an officer in the US Army. But no, that would have been discriminatory, wouldn't it?  (Your tax dollars paid thousands for his medical education, by the way.)  

So after it's all over we all go back into our little cocoon and hope that it doesn't happen again.  Which it always does and the whole thing starts over again.  

Here are some pictures of the only religion that says.  "If you deny that Islam is a religion of peace or make cartoons about us, we will kill you."  

At least if you're wearing a burka it takes 
some of the sting out of being hit by a stick. 

The madrassa dropout rate?  0%

No ambiguity here.

This guy is the Zelig of Islam.  
He's at so many protests 
he's been nicknamed "Islamic Rage Boy"

Note from TFG.  For some reason when I pull photos from certain sites it fucks with the post and gives me this weird font size.   My computer skills are limited and I can't figure out how to fix it.  I guess you can hit that increase the font size thingy if you want or put on some glasses. 

Friday, November 6, 2009

A really bad day for some guy's penis.

This link is from tbird and I can't believe I missed it the first time around.  Let's get right to the meat of things, shall we?  Bridget Harris lured her father to her apartment, handcuffed him to a chair, stuffed a rolled up towel in his mouth, then took a scalpel and cut off his wangdangdoodle.  Bridget is about to be sentenced for manslaughter (shouldn't that be manhood slaughter?) as pappy Harris died from suffocation.  A merciful death if you ask me.  Life without my giggle stick?  No thank you.

And now the best part.  Bridget, who apparently fancies herself a cross between Lorena Bobbit and Rachel Ray put poppa's peter in a pan and sauteed it because she wanted to be sure it couldn't be reattached.  (It can happen.  Check out John Wayne Bobbit's short-lived porn career starring in Frankenpenis.)  Mission accomplished since it was probably a race between Daddy No-Dick running out of air or out of blood.  Suffocation or exsanguination either way equals expiration.

One thing you can say about Bridget Harris.  She's no cock tease.
When it comes to the baloney pony she's all business.

At trial Bridget told tales of rape, incest, etc. and said in retrospect she should have taken the towel out of daddy's mouth before he up and died.  Can you imagine the screams that are buried in that towel?  Youch!  As a side note she mentions maybe going to the authorities regarding the abuse might have been a good idea.  Ya' think?

The article states that while in jail Bridget listens to other prisoner's woeful tales of parental sexual abuse.  (Innocents all, I'm sure.)  When not doing that she read mysteries and vampire stories.  What is a mystery is why you would give Bridget books about teeth sinking into human flesh and sucking blood.  Do we really want to give Bridget any more bright ideas?

Tonight on Cooking with Bridget and Hannibal.  
Pork penis served with Fava Beans and a nice Chi-aaanti.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Died on this date:

Bobby Hatfield
Aug. 10, 1940-Nov. 5, 2003
(Age 63)

Bobby Hatfield was the tenor half (Bill Medley was the baritone half) of the 60's duo The Righteous Brothers.  The Righteous Brothers had a string of hits until their break-up in 1968.  They reunited for another hit in 1974 titled (ironically) Rock and Roll Heaven.

Bill and Bobby teamed up again and were on the road doing the oldies circuit when Bobby was found dead in his hotel room in Kalamazoo, Michigan.

Death was initially reported as a heart attack, but the official coroner's report revealed that Bobby died of Acute Cocaine Toxicity.  Folks, to still be doing blow at age 63 is not a recipe for longevity.

I was lucky enough to watch The Righteous Brothers from backstage at a show in Columbus, Ohio in 1967.  Talented guys.  Good live act.

Bobby had an amazing tenor voice.

Ladies and Gentlemen....
Mr. Bobby Hatfied