Saturday, November 7, 2009

Mike, Julie and the Strange Saga of the Burning Baby Batter.

My discerning reader tbird has been googling penis again scouring the interwebs for interesting stories and has come up with another one.

Newlyweds Mike and Julie Boyde threw contraceptive caution to the wind on their wedding night and went bareback for the first time in their two year relationship.  (Mike, you're a stronger man than I.  The Funeral Guy has always hated rubbers with a passion.  In a manner of speaking.)   Just to make a point of correction: the article states that Mike and Julie wanted to "consummate their union on their wedding night."  I don't know if this is a direct quote but regret to inform Mike and Julie that, strictly speaking, the union was consummated during the first fucky time.  Not the first time without the penis hat.

Anyway, I digress.  By all indications everything went as expected (although better for Mike, I bet) until the climactic blowing of the load.  And then.  Owweeeeeee!!!  Burny burny!!!   Instant gonorrhea perhaps?   Penicillin can take care of that, Missy, this is worse.  It turns out that it's not Mike.  Though how cool would it be to have Spunk of Fire?  Kind of like being Satan, I bet.  No, the problem is that Julie suffers from some malady that actually has a name.  Seminal plasma hypersensitivity.   Which besides the burning, hives, and blisters also kills Mikey's little squiggly swimmers what makes da chilluns.  So adoption is in the future for our unlucky young newlyweds.

I know a lot of you are saying, "OK, Funeral Guy.  We have a lot of fun here, but this is too much.  Making sport of what I'm sure is a very nice young couple who happen to have a rare tragic condition."  My answer to that would be that in a day not so far in the past you would have kept this kind of thing to yourself.  But since it appears that they had no saner heads around them to advise against it, these two went on a TV show called Strange Sex to tell us all about it.  So as far as The Funeral Guy is concerned...Ready, Aim, Sploosh.

Mike and Julie Boyde. 
 Mike has a pretty big smile on his face for a guy that's 
going to be wearing a jizz bag for his entire marriage. 


  1. Equal time for vaginas...|main|dl1|link7|
    Holy smokes!!!!

  2. tbird

    Thanks for sending. After Mrs. FG got the smelling salts and revived me I read the comments. Some of them are pretty funny. It may take me some time to think about what to do with this. It's almost funny just the way it is.