Saturday, January 30, 2010

Get yo' sorry self to church, Son, before I bust a cap in yo' ass!

What the hell is in the water in Tennessee these days?  First, we had a drunken cross-dressing four year old staggering through his neighborhood stealing Christmas presents.  Then it was two pug ugly skanks peddling pussy for smokes and now we have a pastor packing heat in church.  And that ain't the holy half of it, brothers and sisters.  The guy he pulled the gun on was his own son.

Michael Colquitt.
It ain't easy being the preacher's kid.
Some Sundays you just want to sleep in then watch the game. 

Pastor Joe Colquitt, 60, of the St. John Missionary Baptist Church called his son, Michael, 32, to join him at the church for a little pow-wow.  The subject on the table?  Michael's poor attendance record at Sunday services.  Well, you know how fathers and sons can get.  Tempers flared.  Michael cussed out the old man and the next thing you know, according to Michael, the pugnacious preacher is loading up his piece and pointing it at his son's head and threatening to kill Michael and his whole family.  Pastor Joe then gave his son a whop to the head to put some punctuation on his argument.  Pastor Joe tells a slightly different version whereas he only pointed the gun at the ceiling but admits he said, "because he cussed his father, God could kill his wife and family."  Alrighty then.  That's the Christian attitude of love and understanding.  The pastor gonna let God do his wet work.

The best part of the story is that Pastor Joe also works at local Blount Memorial Hospital as...are you ready for this?  A CUSTOMER SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE!!  I don't know about you but I think I'll just keep my complaints about patient care at Blount Memorial to myself, thank you very much.  The last thing you need after a botched hernia operation is the customer service guy telling you to shut the fuck up while sticking a gun in your face and by the way God is going to kill your family.

Pastor Joe's desk at work.

There is a hearing date set for February 4th where Michael will ask the court for an order of protection and to separate the angry man of God from his firearms and ammo.  Anger management counseling is also being sought.

Well I should hope so.

Friday, January 29, 2010

Will fuck for cigarettes. The Story of Jessica and Tammy.

Women never lie about rape.  Absolutely true, except when it's not.

Top: Jessica Alexander
Bottom: Tammy Ortega
When you look like this a pack of cigarettes
 is considered top dollar.

Jessica Kathleen Alexander, 20, and Tammy Nicole Ortega, 29, have been arrested for filing a false police report crying rape against two men who allegedly threw them to the ground in order to have their way with them.

After a crack investigation by the Telford, Tennessee police the women (and I use the term loosely) broke down and admitted that they made the accusation because they "didn't enjoy the sex" with the man who paid them the princely sum of a pack of cigarettes for his sexy time.  The gruesome twosome met the man on a telephone chat line.  (Whatever the hell that is.  Don't they get the internet in Tennessee?)

At this time there is no information how much the man "enjoyed the sex" with the two wildebeests or if his seeing eye dog was injured during the orgy.

This is Loredana Jolie, one of Tiger Woods whores.  
It is rumored that she was paid $15,000 
for a couple of nights with the Woodster.
Or in Telford, TN money...3500 packs of cigarettes.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

The Sigma Gamma Rho sorority at Rutgers University is hotter than a women's prison movie from the 80's.

I think I have the answer as to where in the hell those New York high school lesbo teachers got their (sex) education.  A sorority at Rutgers University, I betcha'.

Six Sigma Gamma Rho sorority sisters (or should I say "sistahs" since this particular sorority is African-American) have been arrested for the aggravated hazing of a hapless pledgette.  This be a felony, folks.  We're talking a bare-bottomed, bloody welts, full on, wood paddle, ass-whuppin'.  And not just a one time spanky-panky, mind you.  This took place over seven straight nights.  (In student housing named Rockoff Hall.  How funny is that?  The jokes just write themselves.)  On the eighth day the unnamed victim's booty was so bloody and painful that she couldn't sit down.  So off to the hospital she went and a report was filed with the school.

Didn't these chicks ever see Roots?  Some things are just wrong, girls.  Reportedly, the victim was told that the paddlings would "humble" her and would build love and trust among the sisters.  (Hmmm...I wonder if I could get Mrs. Funeral Guy to fall for that one?)

College women have a long and proud 
history of spanking each other. 
Guys, how much would you pay to be 
a fly on the wall during this ritual?  

I've never understood the sorority or fraternity thing.  Frankly, when this kind of activity goes on at a men's fraternity I can't help but think that taking a paddle to another man's ass is about as homo as you can get.  But maybe I'm just old-fashioned.

When a bunch of coeds start spanking their bare bottoms, though, the guy in me says "Yeah, that's pretty hot!"

But girls, please.  You gotta have a "safe word" so you can have your fun but nobody gets hurt.

Lusty Argentine MILF president promotes pork for sexier sex! She's got my vote!

Geography was my least favorite subject.  I used to snooze on the desk in high school when they started up with the..."the main export of (fill in the blank) is bauxite."  ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.  (By the way, what the fuck is bauxite?)

Anyhoodle.  I just found out who the president of Argentina is and it's no longer Eva Peron or some boring spaniard guy.  The president of Argentina is a total MILF named Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner and during a speech in Buenas Aires she was extolling the virtues of pork as an aphrodisiac.  Better than Viagra even. Yowzah!  She even said that "it was all good" after she enjoyed some pork with her husband.  Double Yowzah and Aye Caramba!!

Check out the "Just Fucked Hair" 
on Mrs. "Mujer Caliente" Presidente. 
She obviously practices what she preaches. 

Even though Argentines eat more meat than anyone else on earth (insert your own joke here), Presidente Fernandez approved subsidies to help pump up the porking industry.  (Tee hee.)

Juan Luis Ucelli, the head of the association of pork producers seconds that emotion and states that the Danes and the Japanese have more awesome sex lives due to all the hot dogs and sausages they eat.  He might be biased but it sounds good to me.  

You take that salad right on out of here, Mrs. Funeral Guy, and bring your man some bacon.

If Obama loses big titted bimbos does he lose the nation?

Obama's first State of the Union snore fest is now in the history books.  (Isn't everything he does one for the history books?)  But the cracks in his marvelous facade are starting to widen and I don't just mean his sorry loss of the Senate seat in Massachusetts to Republican Scott Brown.  (The seat that was held by "THE LIBERAL LION OF THE SENATE!!!!  OH, MY GOD!!!!  HAS THE WORLD FALLEN OF IT'S AXIS???!!!)

Obama Girl Amber Lee Ettinger.  
More worried about jobs than healthcare. 
No wonder.  She looks about as healthy as you can get.

No, I'm talking about the loss of confidence in no less than the Obama Girl herself.  Amber Lee Ettinger, whose booby shakin' ode to The One, Crush on Obama, most likely shifted the hormonally addled male vote entirely to the president is a little disappointed that The Bamster hasn't focused more on jobs and helping the middle class.

Well, fancy that.  The Bimbo has more brains than David Axelrod and Rahm Emanuel.

Died Yesterday:

J.D. Salinger
January 1, 1919-January 27, 2010
(Age 91)

J.D. Salinger wrote one undeniable classic of a novel and then became almost as famous for his lack of literary productivity and reclusiveness.  The Catcher in the Rye is still mandatory reading in most high school literature classes to this day.  The callow yet world-weary main character, Holden Caulfield, has been the springboard for countless coming-of-age novels and movies for the last half century.   And, as far as I know, The Catcher in the Rye has been the only novel that ever inspired a sad sack fruitcake loser to assassinate the world's most famous rock star.

J.D. Salinger died at home of natural causes.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Andy Dick gropes dick; ends up in pokey.

Andy Dick (the most aptly named comedian in Hollywood) was arrested for allegedly grabbing a bouncer's cock and groping a male patron in a bar in Huntington, West Virginia.  Andy must have forgotten he was in West Virginia not West Hollywood.  The only gay sex they put up with there is of the humiliating Deliverance variety.  ("You sure gotta pretty mouth."  "Squeal like a piggy...eeeehhh....eeeeehhh...eeeeeehhhh!")

Andy wearing his "Did I just smell vagina?" face.

Through his attorney Mr. Dick denies all but his track record does not bode well for his innocence.   Andy, at least, is an equal opportunity offender in as much as his last arrest involved pulling down the top of a 17 year old girl.  For those who didn't know Andy has been known to have problems with drugs and alcohol.

Andy Dick.
The poster child for sober living.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

"I swear officer, the last thing she said before she passed out was if anything ever happened to her she wanted us to use her credit card to partaaaaay!!!"

Two shitbags, Michael Wheaton, 25, and his girlfriend, Sabrina Tomcho, 20, rifled the wallet of their "friend" Kimberly Rose Lacey, 40, as she lay dead on the couch.  Added points for brazenness as they did this while the EMT's were trying to revive the poor woman.  Both are under arrest after charging about $1100 worth of shit at Best Buy and other stores.

This happened in Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania.  Anybody want to bet that there is meth somewhere involved is this scenario?

I'll never ask a woman to sit on my face again.

I would love to see the death certificate for Mikal Middleton-Bey who was killed when his girlfriend sat on him.  Homicide by
"ass"-phyxiation, would be my guess.  Mia Landingham, who tipped the scales at 300 big ones, was sentenced to 3 years probation and 100 hours of community service in the manslaughter death of her boyfriend, the aforementioned Mr. Middleton-Bey.

How would you like for this to be 
the last thing you see in this life?

Mikal, at 120 pounds never stood a chance.  Mr. Middleton-Bey's sister expressed her outrage for all of us.  "So basically you can say that I can go sit on somebody and get probation?  I feel there wasn't no justice."  You said it, Sister.

Today's biggest "No Shit Sherlock" Headline.

In the always immortal words of Maury Povich...

John Edwards...You are the father!!!!!!

Frances Quinn Druck Hunter Young Edwards.  
Rielle Hunter might not be the most beautiful gal in the world,
but baby Frances Quinn would have been 
better served with more of mom's DNA.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Movie Recommendation...

I threw this one into my queue on Netflix since I've been waiting for Inglourious Basterds and The Hurt Locker since their release dates.

I remember reading a positive review of Der Baader Meinhof Komplex when it came out so I thought I'd give it a try but didn't have much in the way of expectations.  Wow!  Was I surprised.  Believe me when I tell you that you will be absolutely riveted by this two and a half hour German film with subtitles about the Red Army Faction (Rote Armee Faktion) terrorist group that robbed and murdered it's way across Germany and Western Europe during the tumultuous 60's and 70's.  (I know my readers are smart and not scared off by subtitled films.)

Der Baader Meinhof Komplex grabs you from its opening scene and keeps you in the grip of its fascinating story all the way to the end.  Part political thriller, part police procedural and a well crafted character study that explores how the seduction of violence is equal to ideology in the making of terrorists.

A 2009 Academy Award Nominee for Best Foreign Language Film.  You have to see this movie.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Earthquakes aren't natural disasters. There must be someone or something we can pin it on.

Pat Robertson.
The insane drunk at the end of the bar.
Christian edition. 

I closed my last post with the hope that God would help the Haitian people through the catastrophic earthquake and its aftermath.  I obviously spoke too soon since I've learned that Pat Robertson, the always cringe producing Christian broadcaster, has placed the blame squarely on...are you ready?...the Haitian people themselves.  That's right.  God's righteous wrath has smote the hapless Haitians for supposedly making a pact with Satan himself to get rid of the French in the 1800's.  Wow, who knew?  Selling your soul is a decision that would require a great deal of...sorry...soul searching, but to get rid of the French it just might be a fair bargain.  Pat Robertson has a propensity for saying things that make God look petty and peevish so I would avoid standing next to Pat during the next disaster for fear of being collateral damage when God finally flings a lightning bolt at him for saying such stupid shit.

Danny Glover.
Actor, activist, commie-cuddling crackpot.

Not to be outdone by pre-Alzheimer's preachers, D list actor Danny Glover, last seen with his nose firmly planted in the assholes of Hugo Chavez and Fidel Castro, farted out this brilliant observation from the rutabaga that passes for his brain.  "Whatever happened in Haiti could happen anywhere in the Caribbean because all these island nations are in peril because of global warming.  When we see what we did at the climate summit in Copenhagen, this is the response, this is what happens, you know what I'm sayin'?"  Yes, Dr. Glover of the University of Dumbass, I do know what you're sayin'.  Global warming causes earthquakes especially in the Caribbean because its never been hot there before.  Brilliant.

So, let's see what we have so far.  The lefties blame Bush and Cheney.  Pat Robertson blames the Haitians for sucking up to Satan for favors.  And Danny Glover blames global warming.

Me?  I blame Tiger Woods.  Yes, Tiger Woods.  His incessant humping over the last few years (a lot of it in Florida, right down the road from Haiti, see!...see!) loosened the tectonic plates and BOOM!    Catastrophic earthquake.  You can look it up.  It's science.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Earthquake devastates Haiti...Yup, Bush-Cheney did it.

No, seriously, I'm not kidding.  Mother Jones, the leading magazine of the lefty kook fringe that makes The Nation seem like National Review, says so.  You can read it all here if you're really in the mood to give yourself an earthquake sized headache.

A people with nothing now have less than nothing.

The situation in Haiti is a horror and I predict that it will descend into Mad Max anarchy in days.  (Mass looting, gunfire and roving bands of machete-wielding men have already been reported as I write this.)  Haiti has been barely a country for decades.  Billions of dollars in aid have been sent there over the years with absolutely nothing to show for it.  What government there is is hopelessly corrupt.  Mix that with narcotic driven thuggery and a culture of voodoo and what you have is Somalia without the urbane sophistication.

What the United States can do to maintain order is unclear.  Are we going to send troops?  There are already too many planes at the airport (with no fuel for return trips) and incoming flights have been suspended.  

This kind of care taken with a body 
will soon be completely impossible.

The immediate problem is, of course, food and shelter.  After that is going to be what to do about the bodies.  Death count estimates have ranged from 50,000 on the low end up to a possible 500,000.  Haiti is in the tropics.  It's been two days.  Anyone killed outright on Tuesday is already starting to decompose.  Badly.  The bacterial contamination is going to be uncontainable and deadly.  The worst natural disaster in American history was the Galveston hurricane in the year 1900.  The death toll estimates range from 6000-12,000.  Recovered bodies were almost immediately taken to the beach and burned in mass cremations and I would guess that 21st century infrastructure in Haiti is inferior to the Texas infrastructure of 1900 so prepare for mass pathogen related disease to go along with the starvation and murder.

God help the Haitian people.

Died Yesterday...

Teddy Pendergrass
Soul Singer
March 26, 1950-Jan. 13, 2010
(Age 59)

Teddy Pendergrass
A great soul voice silenced.
A distinctive voice from the prolific Philly based Gamble-Huff soul music factory of the 70's, Teddy Pendergrass was best known as the lead vocalist on the big hits from the group Harold Melvin & the Blue Notes.  Bad Luck, If You Don't Know Me By Now, and my personal favorite, Love TKO all featured the ballsy, raspy voice that was Teddy Pendergrass's signature.

In 1982, Teddy was involved in a single vehicle accident when the brakes on his Rolls-Royce failed and he smashed into a couple of trees.  Teddy was paralyzed from the waist down as a result but continued to record until 2006.  He also founded the Teddy Pendergrass Alliance that was dedicated to helping others with spinal cord injuries.

Death was caused by complications from colon cancer surgery.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Harry Reid's approval ratings are in the 30's...and his racial attitudes are from the 1930's..

After weeks of porn, poon, peenies in pipes and putrescent pieces of people, at last we have some...politics.

Senate Majority Leader Harry "The Undertaker" Reid has found himself in a bit of a pickle after being quoted in a new book being, as it is so delicately put these days, "racially insensitive".   In "Game Change" which is about the 2008 presidential campaign, authors Mark Halperin and John Heilemann quote Senator Reid as calling then Senator Obama "light skinned" with "no Negro dialect, unless he wanted to have one."  He then went on to add that Senator Obama "carried a knife and had a big dick" and "danced really good especially after a meal of fried chicken and watermelon washed down with grape soda and topped off with a menthol cigarette."  OK.  I admit my research assistant, Lexxie, is still trying to firm up that last quote.

Senator Reid:  "If we have to have a negro nominee 
I'm sure glad that at least he's light skinned."
Senator Biden:  "Clean and articulate, too!"

Senator White Sheet has already begun his obligatory apology tour and has been washed clean by President Messiah who granted him absolution by making him say 10 Our Martin Luther Kings and 5 Hail Rosa Parks as penance.  When awakened from his puddle of drool and asked for comment, former Klansman Senator Robert Byrd said that he didn't see what the fuss was all about and that his friend Harry obviously is not familiar with what the proper "N" word is to use in these situations.

All in all a possibly career ending disaster that will blow over by Monday since Senator Reid is a Democrat.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Man literally lays pipe.

From the always readable UK Sun.

Some doofus numbnuts from Britain got his cock stuck in a length of pipe and it had to have it removed with a grinding tool.  Frankly, I think the fact that he was grinding his tool into a pipe was the cause of his troubles.

I like how the story notes that the man failed to explain how his turgid member found it's way into the pipe.

Let's put on our Sherlock hats and see if we can use our powers of deduction, shall we?

1)  He's a Brit.  Ergo, he's drunk.

2) He's a guy.  Ergo, he's horny.

Deduction:  He looks bleary-eyed at a length of pipe and sees a pussy.  Case closed.

 Soon as I'm done here 
I'm gonna find me something to fuck, Mate. 

Speaking of brains, this funeral director has shit for them.

Here is a good one thanks to our intrepid troller of the interwebs, tbird.  The story is out of Albuquerque, New Mexico where a funeral home sent the deceased's brain to the family along with some of her personal effects.  What's the complaint?  Isn't a brain a personal effect?  HaHa!  And don't you love the name of the funeral director?  Johnny DeVargas.  "Whoah, hey Johnny, how's da boy?  Can ya' get rid of a couplea former business associates of mine?  A little no paperwork cremation would be good.  Capiche?"

Seriously though, nobody wants to get a bag of brains along with some clothing and a watch.  When you get a body back from a coroner's office (and this lady was in a car accident so that is for sure where she started) the embalmer has to open up the rough stitching on the torso and there inside is what is known as the viscera bag.  When somebody gets an autopsy all the organs including the brain are removed, examined and then put into a plastic bag and sewn back up inside the torso.  YOU DO NOT WANT TO DROP THE BAG OR TEAR IT IN ANY WAY!  It stinks to high heaven.

This still doesn't explain how the brain got to the family.  That's what lawsuits are for, I guess.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Cemetery Shocker...Graveyard in country's most Democratic city is a shithole and a half. I blame Bush.

The family of Mary Marsh went to visit her grave in city run Holt Cemetery in New Orleans and found her "feets" sticking out.  Very upsetting as you can imagine.  Especially since the family claims that she was buried in a "beautiful" casket.  (Be sure to click on the video to see the fine quality groundskeeping at Holt Cemetery.  I wouldn't bury my dog Spike there.)

Sumpin' be awful fishy here.  A "beautiful" casket doesn't fall apart in three months.  The cemetery has had issues before with exposed bones on the ground along with other problems.  I know that New Orleans has some pretty soupy ground and has cemeteries that do only above ground interments, but still.  A decent vault buried properly should have protected the casket for longer than this.  (I'm thinking the body was removed from the casket and the casket was re-sold.)

The mayor's office has informed the family that an investigation will take place forthwith.  Right.

Died on this date:

Phil Lynott
Aug. 29, 1949-Jan. 4, 1986
(Age 36)

Bass player and vocalist for one of the most underrated bands of the Classic Rock genre, Thin Lizzy.  Phil had a great voice and was a damn good bassist.  Bad Reputation and Jailbreak are classic Lizzy albums, well worth checking out.  They got yours truly through many long hours on the road and still occupy prime real estate on my iPod.

Phil was a biracial Irishman who unfortunately had the Irish disease.  Severely drug and alcohol addicted, Phil Lynott's body basically gave out after he collapsed on Christmas Day in 1985.  He died a little over a week later from heart failure and pneumonia.

Great song.  "The Boys are Back in Town"

Friday, January 1, 2010

Drunkeness...The Brits are the champs!!!

"For fucks sake, Luv, get up.  
I want you to come meet me mum." 

I sit here before you on my 24th consecutive January 1st without a headache that has three aspirin companies submitting bids.  Without me looking around bleary-eyed wondering "what the fuck did I do last night and where the hell are my underpants?"  So I post this with all the smug superiority that only a former degenerate substance abuser can muster.

As most of you know I have a fascination for drunken, loutish behavior.  Most especially of the female variety.  And most especially especially, hammered British lasses face down in the street, skirts akimbo with full panty flash.  Further proof -as if any was needed- that the human race is on a breakneck tumble into the Darwinian pool of certain doom.

Well, the ringing in of New Year 2010 in Ol' Blighty did not disappoint.  Go here for the full rundown of debauchery.  Be sure to click on the video where you learn of the "Booze Buses" (ambulances) that are on constant patrol on the weekends to treat the comatose, the beaten and the stabbed.  Nanny state socialism rocks!!