If this buggy's a-rockin' don't come a-knockin'!

Willard Yoder working the bowl cut. 

Not mature enough for the matching Amish chinny beard. 

What's an Amish guy to do?  You're living your simple life, doing your Amish thing which is pretty much chores and church, I guess.   But a young man needs more than chores and hard farm work when the sap starts running, doesn't he?  After you've been looking at plain women with no makeup dressed in long cotton dresses and bonnets, wouldn't you start to yearn for some babeitude beyond the Amish bubble?

If this is what I was around all day,  

I'd be living a pretty rich fantasy life myself. 

Young, dumb and full of cum, Willard Yoder (love that name), 21, was driven by his longings to sext a 12-year old girl.  Not too legal or too smart, but in his defense he was under the impression she was 13.  And besides, it was just a random sexy shout out to whatever old number came into Willard's horny pea-brain.  The bewildered 12-year old showed the text to her mom who texted Willard back, which began the series of seductive sexting.

We need to pause here for a moment and ask the obvious question.  Aren't the Amish supposed to shun modern technology?  Did Willard somehow devise a windmill powered cell phone?  If so, I'm impressed.

Willard, with an eye on being the country's first Amish congressman, also sexted photos of his boner and other assorted porn to the youngster.  I mean what 12-year old gal isn't completely turned on by cock pics and sex videos.  For a sheltered Amish man, Willard sure has his finger on the pulse of a young woman's heart.  Fair is fair, and Willard wanted photos of the girl's girly parts and described the joys of the various sex acts that he would perform on what he thought was his little Lolita.  Of course, mom eventually alerted the police and a sting was set up.

The best part?  Willard showed up for the illicit tryst in his horse and buggy.  Yep, like a good and true Amish believer Willard wanted to do his shaggin' in the wagon.  Isn't that the most romantic thing you ever heard?  It's like taking a ride in the surrey with the fringe on top only with a kid toucher.

  Back seat lovin', Amish Style. 

So what started as an evening of high hopes and the anticipation of love, ends in arrest and ignominy for a naive young Amish lad.  Willard, sadder but wiser, told police that he realized "it was a bad decision".

Pretty insightful.  You don't get all the way up through the 8th grade without learning something.

Don't piss on my leg then tell me it's raining.

Nitinkumar Patel, a 27 year old ex-con from Secaucus, NJ,  has been arrested for a crime that I'm sure is not even specifically on the books.

What did the Indian oddball do exactly?  He would run up behind hispanic women, take out his trouser snake and make a tinkle all over their legs, that's what.  I am not shitting you.  A serial female leg
pisser-onner.

This is obviously some kind of rape-o version of consensual golden showers but I'll be damned if I can figure out what the ultimate payoff is.  And why just the hispanic chicks?  Is the wily whizzer also a racist?

Mr. PeePee is accused of doing this seven times until finally caught and has been charged with aggravated criminal sexual conduct, lewdness and child abuse (one of the pissed on was 16).  When apprehended immediately following the last assault Patel the pisser had a big, wet stain on the front of his sweatpants.  Busted!!  Next time, dumbass, put on a Depends.

Nitinkumar A. Patel.

Shouldn't he be an engineer or a math professor?

I'm sure his proud parents never dreamed their son 

would be an ex-con that pees on women in the street. 

I guess the New Jersey legislature has never felt the need to pass a law stating that "It will henceforth be illegal and unlawful to whip out the male member and to subsequently urinate, piss, pass water, whizz, tinkle, piddle or to otherwise take a leak on the back of any female leg.  If said leg happens to belong to a woman of the hispanic persuasion a hate crime enhancement will, of course, apply."  Methinks such a statute will soon be forthcoming.

This kind of deviant doofiness is most certainly a young man's game.  If I were inclined towards this kind of fetish at my upper middle age, I'd have to run up to the girl, brandish my pud and ask, "Could you please stand still for a moment, my dear?  I want to piss on the back of your legs but my prostate's a little enlarged and it takes me a minute to get my stream going.  That's a good girl."

Crystal Gail Mangum...the patron saint of batshit crazy women.

Crystal Gail Mangum.  Hmmmmm.  That name sounds familiar.  Oh, yeah.  She was the lying, psychotic, slatternly stripper who ruined the reputations of three Duke lacrosse players and exposed Duke University, the city of Durham and it's local prosecutor, Mike Nifong, to be politically correct brainless morons who couldn't distinguish a shit fake rape story from the shinola of truth.  I highly recommend the definitive book on the case, Until Proven Innocent: Political Correctness and the Shameful Injustices of the Duke Lacrosse Case, by Stuart Taylor Jr. and K.C. Johnson.

Cell phone photo of Crystal in her 
cheesy stripper outfit and bad weave. 

Crystal's latest contribution to the police blotter is an arrest after she attempted to stab her live-in boyfriend and set his clothes on fire in the bathtub.  For this little episode she's been charged with attempted first degree murder, arson, assault, identity theft and various lesser charges including child endangerment since her three kids 10, 9 and 3 were there to witness all of mom's felonious fuckery.  Apparently Durham is unable to afford any child protective services since this certifiable nutbag managed to keep her kids even after the phony rape fiasco.  (They probably had to sell off half the town to defend themselves against the lawsuits brought about by the misbehavior of their mendacious prosecutor, Mike "Disbarred" Nifong.)

No word on whether the boyfriend is white or not.  If he is I'm sure the entire faculty of Duke University will be out banging the pots and talking about how she is once again the victim of a white oppressor.  If he's black?  Nobody will give a shit.

Crystal Gail Mangum in her latest court appearance. 

Her million dollar bail has been reduced to $250,000.

Watch out, men of America...She's got the crazy eyes.

This woman is seriously deranged and has been for most of her adult life.  Read this story from 2007 that recaps her "troubled" life.  Troubled?  I'll say.  She's a boatload of trouble for any man that's stupid enough to come within ten miles of her sorry ass.

Drunken lesbian wife beating husbands...they're just like drunken hetero wife beating husbands.

Lesbian marital bliss sometimes goes as stinky sour as the heteronormative kind.  Oregon Assistant Attorney General Susan Gerber, 40, was arrested for punching and choking out her wife, Janice Dulle, 38, last Friday night.  According to the story, Janice, confronted her husband, Susan, about some cheatin' goin' on with another woman of the sapphic persuasion.  Susan then told her wife to mind her own business with a shot to the face and some neck bruises.  Damn, this kind of passion is beginning to sound kind of hot.  Or at least it would be if one of the lesbians didn't look like this.

Susan Gerber.  

Somebody order up a piss test stat,

because that is a meth face if I ever saw one. 

Also, she lives in Oregon.  Case closed. 

Pronoun-wise I'm going by what the story says.  I guess these two have worked out the husband/wife thing.  Is that determined by who wears the strap-on?  I'm always a little confused about these roles when gay marriage is involved.

Anyhoohoo.  Susan, like most members of the spouse-battering community is a boozer along with being a flannel shirt skirt chaser.  That's right.  Susan has admitted that she has had a long running dalliance with Demon Rum.  After she was sprung from the lockup, Susan wisely hied herself off to a rehab facility.

I'd wager that nothing much more than a slap on the wrist will come of this.  First of all, it sounds like Janice wants to kiss, make up and get back to scissoring.

And, in oh-so-politically-correct Oregon, Susan is a three-fer.

She's a woman.  She's a lesbian.  She's an alcoholic ("Hey, I gotta disease...boohoohooo!).

Oh yeah.  She's also a card carrying member of the local legal/law enforcement system.  That's a get out of jail free card right there.

I just took a poll of the guys in my office.  

This is what proper drunken lesbians look like. 

Rip Torn auditioning for a new starring role...on A&E's Intervention.

Elmore "Rip" Torn.

Ripped up and Torn up.

Holy shit, Batman.  What the hell was Rip Torn thinking?  The actor, whose real name is Elmore, was arrested in his hometown of Salisbury, CT the other night in the local bank "highly intoxicated" and in possession of a loaded revolver.

The Ripster (did you know his real name was Elmore?  I didn't.) was also arrested in 2004, 2007 and 2008 for drunk driving offenses.

Hey, Elmore...er...I mean Rip.  Will you take a little advice from an old ex booze hound?  You're 78 years old, dude.  I mean... I've gotten myself into a lot of drunken escapades.  But they usually involved a woman or several women that I probably should have stayed away from.  As fucked up as I've ever been I've never gone into a bank with a loaded gun.  If you're gonna get that shit-faced, stay home.

Elmore.  Get some help.  We'd all like to see Men in Black III one day.

Update: Rip is off to rehab.  We at The Funeral Guy wish him luck in his recovery.

Andy Dick gropes dick; ends up in pokey.

Andy Dick (the most aptly named comedian in Hollywood) was arrested for allegedly grabbing a bouncer's cock and groping a male patron in a bar in Huntington, West Virginia.  Andy must have forgotten he was in West Virginia not West Hollywood.  The only gay sex they put up with there is of the humiliating Deliverance variety.  ("You sure gotta pretty mouth."  "Squeal like a piggy...eeeehhh....eeeeehhh...eeeeeehhhh!")

Andy wearing his "Did I just smell vagina?" face.

Through his attorney Mr. Dick denies all but his track record does not bode well for his innocence.   Andy, at least, is an equal opportunity offender in as much as his last arrest involved pulling down the top of a 17 year old girl.  For those who didn't know Andy has been known to have problems with drugs and alcohol.

Andy Dick.

The poster child for sober living.