Quick hits....

England has some of the oddest celebrities.  Meet the pop duo Jedward.  They are lamenting that they've never had girlfriends.  Two thoughts.  One...(The obvious) They're gay.  Two...They're straight and at 18 so horny that even their hair has a boner.  You need to do something about that, lads.

Never had girlfriends?

How is that possible? 

Now we have even more of a reason not to read Playboy.  In its embarrassing desperation to remain relevant, your grandpa's stroke book is going to have a 3-D centerfold.  Why yes, I understand all those young whippersnappers on the world wide web really groove on 3-D.  Like when the moving picture Avatar came out.  Now they can hold a real 3-D girl in their hot little hand.  While the other hand does what comes naturally.  How awful would it be to have your mom catch you beating off with those stupid cardboard glasses on your face?  Almost as humiliating as wanking to a centerfold of Marge Simpson. (Playboy November 2009)

3-D Centerfold Hope Dworaczyk. 

It's like she could reach out to help you get off. 

A reality show in Australia has everyone all up in arms for its premise of auctioning off the virginity of several chaste young people of both sexes.  I suppose with the guys you'd have to take their word for it.  First-timers are usually (by definition) not that skilled in the sack, but it would be interesting to see if a bidding war develops between Lawrence Taylor and Roman Polanski.

Two Virgins.

(You may have to be a boomer to get the joke.)

Also, sorry if you just had dinner. 

The New York Post is reporting on a Dutch study that says being a cougar can shorten your life span.  I don't mean the feline in the jungle cougar, I mean the woman who fucks young guys cougar.  The opposite is true with men.  So to summarize the story.  Old gal, younger guy.  Woman dies early.  Old guy, young chippies.  Man lives longer.  See, being a guy is good beyond the fact that you can write your name in the snow with your pee.  Also, I guess this means that Larry King (76) and his wife, Shawn (50) should be shedding the mortal coil at just about the same time.

Larry and Shawn King.

Til death do they part. 

In France, a 23 year old man fell to his drunken death after attempting to slide down a staircase railing from a bridge.  Not that noteworthy, except this was one of those Facebook organized parties that 20,000 people showed up for to get shit-faced.  No recipe for disaster there.  In related news, a Facebook bacchanalia in Great Britain drew a crowd of 60,000,000 people.  Half of whom perished by falling off things while the other half went blind from pouring Vodka in their eyes.

A Paramount, CA assistant principal found himself in a bit of a kerfuffle when some of his male student studmuffins pranced around the stage during a talent show in their tighty-whiteys and Speedos.  One of the poofie performers, Christian Dominguez, said that they just wanted to "pump up" the crowd.  Guest judges Elton John and Clay Aiken agreed that they were both pumped up...and how!  To avoid any further misunderstandings the LAUSD has decided to move next year's show to Fairfax High School in the hard heart of West Hollywood.

Quit lazin' around there, young fella.

It's showtime!!!

Finally.  There is a pit bull in Long Island, NY that needs Viagra to stay alive.  Don't feel too bad, doggie.  Some of us need Viagra to feel alive.  That and our 3-D Playboy, of course.  And don't forget.  Ask your doctor if you're healthy enough for sex.  And don't take nitrates after using Viagra.

Government workers on the public teat. And that teat dispenses...booze!

For those of you that don't live in Southern California there is an area known as the Inland Empire.  (Sounds grand, doesn't it?)  Riverside, California is a big part of that.  In the SoCal sprawl Riverside acts as a bedroom community for a lot of hardworking folks.  It is also home to high crime, illegal aliens, lots of general skeeviness, and the ever popular meth trade.  Here are couple of fine citizens that earn their bread on the public payroll.

Jeezus.  Look at this fuckin' drunk.  Oh, sorry.  Is that you Chief?

Ooops.  Make that ex-police chief Russell Leach since he resigned four days after being involved in a DUI wreck after leaving Club 215, a Colton, CA titty bar on the night of Super Bowl.   Unspecified medical reasons were cited for the resignation.  I'll make a diagnosis.  He's a fucking alcoholic.

After Russ collided with several obstacles including a fire hydrant, he then blew through a light and shredded the tires on his city owned (as in your, the taxpayers) vehicle.  As Russ's luck would have it he was eventually stopped by a unit of his own Riverside coppers, who treated Russ as you would treat your own boss if you found him drunkenly boning your girlfriend while stealing money from her purse.  With leniency and understanding, of course.  So much so, that City Manager Brad Hudson said that it appeared Leach "was provided treatment beyond what other motorists would be afforded in similar circumstances."  Oh, really?  Fucked up driving at 3:00 AM, crashing your car, the reek of alcohol noted by the detaining officers but no field sobriety test and no recommendation for further action.  Yeah, I do think that Joe Citizen may have faced just a bit more hassle than good ol' Chief Leach.

At least after the investigation by the California Highway Patrol now private citizen Leach had to plead out to misdemeanor DUI.  The sentence?  30 days on house arrest.  Whoop-de-doo.  Do you think it might be possible to get liquor and strippers delivered right to your door in Riverside?

Chivas Regal, prescription drugs and lap dances from topless tramps?  Slaps on the wrist and a pension probably somewhere in the six figures.

It is good to be Chief.

 Riverside ex-police chief Russell Leach.

Russ, you're 62 years old.  Time to give up the booze, the pills 

and the titty bars.  Grow the fuck up. 

Class?? Class?? Open your History Text to page....uh....page...uh...where were we?  Uh...oh, shit. Fuck it.  Let's just watch a goddam DVD.

Tonya Neff, 48, is a teacher at Toro Canyon Middle School in Thermal, California (Riverside County).  Drunk and high on pills in the middle of the teaching day, Tonya was arrested for child endangerment.  The child endangerment charge seems a little off the wall to me.  If I had been one of the kids in Ms. Neff's class that day the only thing that would have been a danger is that I might fall out of my desk chair laughing my ass off that my plastered, pill popping teacher was staggering around the room attempting to slur out the day's lesson.

Tonya Neff. 

The pride of the Thermal, California school system. 

The name of the town tells you all you need to know.  It's hot.  And dry.  And when it's hot and dry (and boring) a lady can get a powerful thirst.  Stuck in some goddam dusty little shitwater town in the middle of nowhere in the Inland Empire.  They ought to cut the lady some slack.  Its not like she was out having sex with one of her students in a meth lab.

Woman has car wreck on freeway...everybody blames bush.

This is a good one.

Megan Mariah Barnes.  37 years old going on 50. 

She looks as though life hasn't always been easy.

Gotta give her this much, she still wants to 

look groomed and sexy for her new man. 

Megan Mariah Barnes, some skank ho that forgot to weedwhack her punani before she started driving to see her boyfriend, slam-smacked another car while her passenger, Charles Judy, was holding the wheel so Megan could get busy making razor bumps on her yum yum.

Just to add to the fuckery, Megan was not even supposed to be driving because her license was suspended for DUI the day before the pussy shaving wreck occurred.   After a feeble attempt to switch seats with the passenger failed to fool the troopers that had arrived to investigate, Megan the minx admitted she was on her way to see her boyfriend and "wanted to be ready for the visit." Hahahahaha!

Oh...and the passenger...Charles Judy?  He's Megan's ex-husband.

So let's recap.  Sexy Megan is in such a hurry to see her boyfriend that she forgets to groom her snoochie.  She's a drunk that shouldn't be driving so she talks her ex-husband into accompanying her to see her boyfriend.  Not to drive, mind you.  Just to be handy in case Megan needs some assistance.  Consequently, he is not there to advise her to pull over, but to hold the wheel while she wields a razor next to her most delicate of lady parts while she works the pedals.  Didn't want to lose one minute of boyfriend time, I guess.  Just plain old bad luck that something went wrong with this whole proposition.

Hey, Funeral Guy.  You forgot to tell us.  Where did these madcap hijinks take place?  

I think I'll just let you guess.

Paging Dr. Drew...Paging Dr. Drew.

Boozy Ape Headed To Rehab:

My first thought when I saw this headline was, oh my god, Tom Sizemore is out of jail and out of control...again!

But no.  It's a real ape and surprise surprise he's Russian.  (A country where the consumption rate for every man, woman and baby is 18 liters of hooch a year.)  Further adding to the woes of Zhora, the simian souse, is that he lost his gig at the circus and was transferred to a zoo in Rostov, Russia.  Imagine.  You could be making big dough in the wide open kleptocracy of the new Russia, and you're stuck being some chimp chump cadging drinks and smokes in a goddam backwater zoo.  Bummer.

Fucked up again.  It's really sad when Zhora's 
common law chimp has to send her chimp kids into 

the saloon to drag his sorry ass back home. 

Like most irresponsible drunks, Zhora has managed to father a passel of chimp kids out of wedlock.  Now Zhora will be sent to a rehab facility outside of Moscow.  Wow, who knew they even had rehab in Russia.  What's the goal?  Cut you down to only three bottles of Vodka a day?

Update:  I just updated re-wrote this post since I must of had a contact drunk or acid flashback when I first skimmed read it.  I had the name wrong and the countries fucked-up.  Outside of that the post was jim dandy.  My apologies.

Drunken lesbian wife beating husbands...they're just like drunken hetero wife beating husbands.

Lesbian marital bliss sometimes goes as stinky sour as the heteronormative kind.  Oregon Assistant Attorney General Susan Gerber, 40, was arrested for punching and choking out her wife, Janice Dulle, 38, last Friday night.  According to the story, Janice, confronted her husband, Susan, about some cheatin' goin' on with another woman of the sapphic persuasion.  Susan then told her wife to mind her own business with a shot to the face and some neck bruises.  Damn, this kind of passion is beginning to sound kind of hot.  Or at least it would be if one of the lesbians didn't look like this.

Susan Gerber.  

Somebody order up a piss test stat,

because that is a meth face if I ever saw one. 

Also, she lives in Oregon.  Case closed. 

Pronoun-wise I'm going by what the story says.  I guess these two have worked out the husband/wife thing.  Is that determined by who wears the strap-on?  I'm always a little confused about these roles when gay marriage is involved.

Anyhoohoo.  Susan, like most members of the spouse-battering community is a boozer along with being a flannel shirt skirt chaser.  That's right.  Susan has admitted that she has had a long running dalliance with Demon Rum.  After she was sprung from the lockup, Susan wisely hied herself off to a rehab facility.

I'd wager that nothing much more than a slap on the wrist will come of this.  First of all, it sounds like Janice wants to kiss, make up and get back to scissoring.

And, in oh-so-politically-correct Oregon, Susan is a three-fer.

She's a woman.  She's a lesbian.  She's an alcoholic ("Hey, I gotta disease...boohoohooo!).

Oh yeah.  She's also a card carrying member of the local legal/law enforcement system.  That's a get out of jail free card right there.

I just took a poll of the guys in my office.  

This is what proper drunken lesbians look like. 

Rip Torn auditioning for a new starring role...on A&E's Intervention.

Elmore "Rip" Torn.

Ripped up and Torn up.

Holy shit, Batman.  What the hell was Rip Torn thinking?  The actor, whose real name is Elmore, was arrested in his hometown of Salisbury, CT the other night in the local bank "highly intoxicated" and in possession of a loaded revolver.

The Ripster (did you know his real name was Elmore?  I didn't.) was also arrested in 2004, 2007 and 2008 for drunk driving offenses.

Hey, Elmore...er...I mean Rip.  Will you take a little advice from an old ex booze hound?  You're 78 years old, dude.  I mean... I've gotten myself into a lot of drunken escapades.  But they usually involved a woman or several women that I probably should have stayed away from.  As fucked up as I've ever been I've never gone into a bank with a loaded gun.  If you're gonna get that shit-faced, stay home.

Elmore.  Get some help.  We'd all like to see Men in Black III one day.

Update: Rip is off to rehab.  We at The Funeral Guy wish him luck in his recovery.

Happy New Year, Revelers.

Have fun but be safe and sane.  When you think about it all you're celebrating is the fact that you'll be putting a new calendar on the wall.

I've seen them all, Kids.  The car wreck bodies, the OD's, the falls from the balconies, and the alcohol poisonings.  Please don't make me be the guy sitting across the table from your sobbing parents or significant others as they sign the form so I can pick you up from the coroner.

Love ya',
The Funeral Guy
24 years sober.

Update: A Christmas Story with the Sheen Family.

Charlie Sheen who apparently likes his brides a little on the crazy side, may actually be the saner party in the Sheen Christmas Family Fracas.  It turns out that Mrs. Sheen blew a .13 on the Booze-O-Meter while hubby Charlie came in at a respectable .04.  Let's remember that these alcohol readings were at 8:00 AM Christmas morning and that the Sheens have a couple of twin tots.  Nice.

Brooke Mueller Sheen.

Yep.  This is the kind of mistake 

drunk moms make all the time.

Brooke reportedly tried to recant her story of woe and drunken cruelty by her husband, but once the cops are involved all bets are off.  The next court appearance of the hapless Mr. Sheen will be February 8.

Maybe next year the Sheens should celebrate Festivus instead where the airing of grievances are part of the tradition.

Update:  My bro' The Conservatarian pointed out my error in Charlie's BAC.  It's .04 not .4 (since corrected).   I plead tiredness and also that Brandy, my fact checker, was working her Saturday night shift on the pole at Snookie's Gentlemen Club.  A .4 reading would have been in The Funeral Guy range after a show in the 70's.  

He's just a little acorn trying not to fall too far from the tree.

It's 1:45 in the morning.  Do you know where your 4 year old son is?  Well, if you're April Wright the answer is out wandering the neighborhood drunk with a beer in his hand.  Wow, you say,  that's like really gnarly bad.  You ain't heard the half of it.   Hayden Wright was also breaking into houses and stealing Christmas presents.  One of which was a brown girly frock that he then put on so he would look all foxy for his inebriated meander through the neighborhood.

Little Hayden Wright.  

A little bleary-eyed, but at least wearing boy clothes.

Money quote from mom, April, who apparently sure can pick a mate.  "He runs away trying to find his father.  He wants to get in trouble so he can go to jail because that's where his daddy is."

Child protective services has informed April that she will retain custody of Hayden.  Did I mention this happened in Tennessee?