Monday, August 31, 2009

Not a case where you can just yell..."Hey you two, get a room!"

Nothing like a cigarette and a bottle of Ripple
for a little post coital relaxation.

Men accused of having sex
on stranger's lawn

Cute little love story from the OC. For those of you not from Southern California, let me tell 'ya, this is a real ritzy area. These folks don't want to see Paris Hilton and whatever man she's with this week having sex in their front yard, much less two male vagrants.

I wonder exactly what kind of sex act they were doing? Come on. You know there are degrees when it comes to these kind of things. Was it? You know...the thing you can get away with on the red eye to New York if you do it under a blanket? Or the thing where....ah...a person can look like they're resting their head in your lap and most of your clothes are on? Or.....OH MY GOD!!!!! The, you I have to spell it out for you? The most abominable of abominables? In broad daylight in Laguna Beach? THE FULL MONTY OF GAY S-E-X !!!!!????? I wouldn't have even been able to call the police since I would have been in full recline on my fainting couch.

I have a suggestion for our two randy sweethearts. When they finally let you out of the jug go find a freeway exit ramp and stand there with a sign that says WILL DO GAY PORN FOR FOOD.

A career is always better when you're doing something that you love.

The Downfall of Western Civilization - Exhibit #987

This is from the World Weekly News which regularly features pictures of world leaders meeting with aliens, so take it for what it's worth.

As if there aren't enough influences trying to convince your daughter to become not president but peddler of her own flesh, here is (just in time for Christmas!!!) her very own pole dancing doll. The modest dress is a nice demure touch though I assume that underneath must be a pair of tiny thong panties. (Or else where are you going to tuck your little, teeny, tiny dollar bills?)

As the father of daughter in college, I've never forgotten Chris Rock's dictum for responsible fatherhood.

"Sometimes I am walking with my daughter, I'm talking to my daughter, I'm looking at her, I'm pushing her in the stroller. And sometimes I pick her up and I just stare at her and I realize my only job in life is to keep her off the pole.

"Keep my baby off the pole!

"I mean they don't grade fathers but if your daughter is a stripper you fucked up."

While searching around I also found this.

It plugs into the USB port on your computer and dances around. Sweet. Just the thing to make you look like a complete and total wanker at your computer station.

Died on this date:

Diana Princess of Wales-August 31, 1997 (Age 36)

This one was it, folks, the mother of all celebrity deaths. This one started it all and it had it all. Celebrity, royalty, illicit love, infidelity, drunken Euro trash behavior, paparazzi and finally CONSPIRACY THEORIES. Diana's death (murder? assassination?) whatever you want to call it set the benchmark for over the top circus like coverage in a 24/7 media universe.

The death of Diana revealed to the entire world that the United Kingdom somehow, completely under our radar, had turned from a once brave and proud nation into a land of lachrymose, teddy bear and flower shrine making, sniveling crybabies with uncontrollable grief over a woman who in real life most likely didn't give two shits about them. The Brits got so crazed with their anguish they demanded that their queen shred her royal stiff upper lip dignity and pretend that she was a heartbroken as they were over someone she clearly loathed. It was a pitiful and embarrassing display all around.

As to the ensuing conspiracy nonsense, I'm not going to rehash it here because frankly it just gives me a big headache. There are plenty of places to find the info if you so desire and have no life.

Death caused by blunt force trauma due to a drunk driving accident.

Amazingly, the bodyguard, Trevor Rees-Jones survived this. Diana, boyfriend Dodi Fayed and driver Henri Paul all perished.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Maybe it's the reputation for swindling and thievery that gets people pissed off.

Madonna. Winning friends and changing hearts.

Madonna made headlines this week for scolding a crowd in Romania for their benighted attitude toward the Roma Gypsies. As a general rule I'm always in favor of booing Madonna if for no other reason than her music sucks ass and when she talks she comes off like a self righteous simpleton. When people shell out big bucks (don't ask me why) for a Madonna show I assume they want to hear music (such as it is) and not be hectored on their shortcomings as The High and Mighty Madonna may see them.

On the other hand I am decidedly against bigotry. Especially when the object of that prejudice looks like this.

Wow! Certainly an improvement
over the wart nosed old crones
that I grew up seeing in the Wolfman movies.

Nickelodeon preempts programming for endless Kennedy coverage.

Mommy? When they throw the last shovel of dirt on that old reprobate will Rugrats come back on?

The typical Catholic funeral mass (aka The Mass of Christian Burial) is an hour. The Kennnedy mass was twice that, but most folks don't have their service clogged up with blowhard politicians looking for cheap face time.

Naturally, the media has run on and on and on and on and on filling up the airwaves with endless blather and "end of Camelot" crapola. I heard one spectator being interviewed and she actually said (in that horrible Boston accent that makes a normal person's ears bleed). "I came heah' because Senator Kennedy nevah' did anything for himself. He always worked so hahd to make things bettah' for the average person."

Yes-yes-yes...good old selfless Ted. I'm sure that on that fateful night back in July of '69 Mary Jo said to him as she was sucking for whatever air was left in her submerged metal death trap, " have so much to give to the average person. Health care for must be done now...don't even stop to call for someone to rescue me...swim, Ted, swim...."

At least that's what I think she said. God...wake me when it's over.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Some like it hot...but how much are you willing to pay?

Yummy then. After 47 years in the crypt, I'd say now not so much.

I know a lot of guys would have paid good money to be on top of Marilyn Monroe, but the tariff on this spot might be a bit steep. Then again, it would be for all eternity. Story here.

Maybe Ted should have tried this out during open mic night at The Comedy Store.

On Wednesday as I was hitting the publish button on my Kennedy obit, I had a moment (a very slight moment) of doubt. Maybe the tone was just a little too harsh and over the top. Nah, fuck it. I really did dislike the guy. I felt a little better after reading Roger Kimball's remarks over at Pajamas Media and I realized, OK, at least I'm not the only one to abandon the decorum of not speaking ill of the dead.

Then this comes to light.

Speaking on the audio is Ed Klein, former foreign editor of Newsweek and editor-in-chief of The New York Times Magazine. The venue is the Diane Rehm Show, with guest host Katy Kay.

So. One of the beloved liberal lion's favorite topics of humor was Chappaquiddick jokes. It's beyond me to even think of anything snarky to say here. If this is true and not some fantasy of a Kennedy groupie like Klein then this is beyond disgusting . I'm sure Mr. and Mrs. Kopechne would have loved to share in the hilarious side splitting jokes about their daughter's death as told by the man who left her to drown.

I'll say it all again, this time in spades. Ted Kennedy was not only a bad man. He was one sick motherfucker.

H/T Mark Hemingway at The Corner

Thursday, August 27, 2009

I gotta hunka hunka burnin' love...

Who needs mace when you have this and a bottle of Sabucco.

If your idea of a good time on holiday is drunkenly waving your junk around while molesting the local sweet things you might want to cross the Isle of Crete off your list. This is a great story from the Telegraph UK. Some British yob tried to do to a Greek girl what probably passes for a smooth prelude to romance back in the booze soaked UK and what he got was a roasting of his ol' twig and berries instead of a polite "no thank you". The woman is being treated as a heroine by the fiercely proud Greeks. As she should be.

What woman wouldn't want to tumble right into the sack
with this modern day version of Cary Grant?

While trying to find some suitable pictures for this post I googled Drunken Brits and got 4, 410,000 hits. Whew! Luckily, Drunken Brits Abroad whittled it down to a more manageable 122,000. I learned that the bloke in the story is not just an aberration. Check this out. Europe claims that Brits are the worst tourists, but if you poll the Brits they say the Yanks are worse. In other words, the Yanks are wankers, but the Brits had to have wankers save their ass in World War II.

Got it.

H/T to my brother at The Conservaterian for turning me on to this gem. He's a member of the bar (the lawyer one, not the alkie one) and has a good reputation to uphold so he said this was more my kind of story. You know, for a guy with no good reputation to uphold.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

OK...I have a question on this.

Is this a country with a starving monkey problem? If not...HOW ABOUT SHARING THAT BOOB WITH A HUNGRY KID!!!!

Just looking at this broad makes my penis shrivel.

Kate Gosselin indicating how many rugrats she's going to try to put in the incubator for her new show Studly Bodyguard and Kate + A Baseball Team.

Kennedy Dead at 77.

Edward "Ted" Kennedy
United States Senator
February 27, 1932-August 25, 2009

Sorry. I couldn't find anything more unflattering.

It’s been less than a day since Ted Kennedy passed away and I’m already at the point where the only time I want to hear the word “lion” is if someone is describing a large feline mammal that runs through the Serengeti, wrestles gazelles to the ground and eats them.

I’m not a fan of Kennedy, to say the least. Go to my post here and scroll down where I note the anniversary of the death of Mary Jo Kopechne. Beyond the fact that he skated on an crime that would have netted you, me or anyone else a few years in the state slammer for Manslaughter or Vehicular Homicide, Ted Kennedy was simply not a very good person, in my opinion. Oh, I suppose he was very hale-fellow-well-met if you agreed with his policies, but like most modern liberals he was genetically unable to look at policy disagreements as just that. If you didn’t believe in the progressive way as he saw it you were evil ipso facto. Tip O’Neill he was not. The mean spirited way he personally attacked the character of Judge Robert Bork was uniquely despicable and poisoned the atmosphere of judicial appointments forever. When George W. Bush treated him with respect and decency Kennedy crapped all over him. Nice legacy, Ted.

Kennedy was admired by feminists even though he killed one woman and demeaned others. Anybody remember the Kennedy/Dodd waitress “sandwich”? And how about pantsless Uncle Teddy during the William Smith Palm Beach rape fiasco. But gender feminists using their elastic ethical standards will put up with all manner of female degradation as long as the powerful man is a Democrat that will keep abortion a legal sacrament. (See: Clinton, Bill) Did I mention Senator Kennedy fashioned himself as a staunch Roman Catholic?

I’ve heard a lot of talk this morning about how there will be a push to pass Obamacare in memory of dear Senator Ted. Do it for his legacy and all that. Balderdash. A destructive idea is not going to get any better just because you name it after some dead guy who happened to be a colleague. What a horrible way to make policy. I’m guessing the Democrat party in its desperation will overreach once again like it did with Paul Wellstone and the American people repulsed by the manipulation will continue to oppose the takeover of their healthcare system by the government.

I consider myself a Christian and therefore don’t presume to know what’s in another person’s soul. You’re not supposed to speak ill of the dead but I guess I just did. My bad. All most of us can do is assess the public figure not the private man. I submit that Ted Kennedy and his decades in the Senate were bad for the country. I think he was a bad man for his craven inability to publically take responsibility for the death of an innocent woman and a small man for his self righteous politics of personal destruction. As a Christian I pray for his soul. As for his redemption, that’s up to God.

From complications of brain cancer.


Internet down all day. It was like one of those dystopian, post-apocalyptic, end of the world movies.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009


To all of you who are visiting from the GoodShit site. Hope you tell your friends and come back often.

Fred over at GoodShit is a fascinating guy with eclectic tastes and varied interests and we enjoy each others email company despite the fact that I'm sure he thinks I'm a total wingnut.

We also share an appreciation of the female form. (Though none holds a candle to Mrs. Funeral Guy. Right, Honey?)

Monday, August 24, 2009

Do you remember this? If you do you need to "Move On".

Attorney General Eric Holder announced today that there would be an investigation launched into the utilization of enhanced interrogation techniques used by the CIA on captured Jihadists. These techniques are known as torture by the squeamish and the oh-so-high-minded chattering class.

Allegedly some of our agents threatened one of these little darlings with a loaded gun and a power drill. Then said he was going to sexually assault the Jihadist's mother. (How the latter was going to conceivably be done will have to be left to the investigation, I guess.) As to the first two. Did the terrorist get shot? Did he get a hole drilled in his head? As for the terror mom, did she get raped? They don't say but I'm guessing none of these threats became a reality. So what we have here is that the shitbag got threatened with violence and somebody said he was going to fuck his mother. Sounds like a gangbangin' Friday night in South Central L.A. only without somebody actually getting shot.

Have they ever taken a poll of the American people to determine how many of us really give two rat's asses what they do to Islamofacists who would just as soon cut off your head as look at you? Not too mention blow up one of our cities. Waterboarding? You gotta be kidding me. My understanding is that it's pretty scary. Would I want it done to me? Not just no, but hell no. Do I want it done in my name to a captured terrorist if it's going to save my family and my fellow citizens. You betcha' I do.

How are our guys going to go about interrogations once these investigations start? My guess is that they'll do the bare minimum by reading off a sheet of questions. They'll get nothing.

Do the Obama people think this is all a game? The fact that they called the release of the Lockerbie bomber back to Libya "inappropriate" tells you all you need to know. You want to see what are enemies are capable of? There are plenty of websites that will show you Islamic horrors that will turn your stomach. (If you can't find them email me and I'll send you the links.) And we're supposed to get all weepy and hand wringy over a little rough treatment of hardened Jihadis?

There is a quote that is attributed to Orwell but is actually unknown. Doesn't matter who said it because it's true.

"We sleep soundly in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence on those who would do us harm."

I thank God that we still have rough men in this country that we can count on to do the bad shit that needs to be done.

At least until the Obama justice department cuts the balls off them.

To Mr. and Mrs. America and all the ships at sea...this just in...

Jacko death ruled a homicide by Los Angeles County Medical Examiner. That sound you're hearing are champagne corks popping in the offices of Fox's On The Record with Greta Van Susteren, Geraldo at Large and CNN's Nancy Grace. Just in time since that reality show/stripper murder fizzled out with the suicide of the perp. Whooopeee!!!!

When good funerals go bad.

I just found this. Pretty funny. This is why you need a professional director for your funeral. I particularly like the dude falling into the grave with the casket. ROTFL, indeed.

Too bad he killed himself before he could marry Kate Gosselin.

Ryan Jenkins. Murdered his ex-wife
and two reality shows.

We have heinous wife murderer and mutilator, the late Ryan Jenkins, to thank for the cancellation of another VH-1 reality show. I Love Money 3, which was already in the can will not air. Ryan Jenkins was rumored to have won the show despite having a conviction in a 2007 domestic violence battery case. Nice background checking, VH-1. Were you using the Obama White House vetting team? If nothing else the douchey gel job on the hair should have been a clue the guy was trouble.

How will the Republic survive the loss of these two fine shows?

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Lady GaGa...Keepin' it classy!

"...A pretty like a melody."

I sure hope Lady GaGa is wearing his jockstrap.
Ya' gotta admit he does a pretty good tuck.
I won't speculate on how the leg bruises got there.

The 37,000 felons bound for release by the State of California will all be given reality show applications.

Jasmine Fiore. Proving that having big, bolt-on breast implants
serves some purpose other than making you look
like a human blow up sex doll.

I'm sure by now you've heard about the latest entertainment related murder. (Story here and here.) Ryan Jenkins, contestant on some skankfest called Megan Wants a Millionaire is being sought in the particularly gruesome murder of his recently annulled wife, swimsuit model/stripper, Jasmine Fiore. (Condolences to the departed's family, of course.) Ms. Fiore was apparently beaten to death. Her fingers and teeth were then removed to prevent identification. The culprit was foiled in this however, by the fact that he failed to realize that his ex's breast implants had serial numbers that the cops used to quickly ID the corpse.

I think that this was probably news to most people as it was to me. (The serial numbers that is, not the fact that some reality show skeeve would kill his wife.) I've seen lots of breast implants during ladies' embalmings due to the fact that most of them have had autopsies before they came to the funeral home. This only stands to reason. Breast implants are usually the desire of the 20-45 crowd. Precisely the age for drug overdoses, homicides, suicides, and car accidents (usually drink or drug related) i.e. coroner cases. It's always a little weird to look into the splayed open chest of a person and see two blood covered bags of silicone just sitting there. Granted most folks think all of the stuff that we see is pretty weird. I remember one case where a body came in and she'd been out in the elements for a couple of months. There wasn't much left of her but she still retained one breast implant. I always used to wonder if perhaps there was a coyote out in the desert somewhere that was using the other one for a pillow.

This is Megan Houserman. She wants a millionaire.
The question before us is...what millionaire can't do better
than this butterface.

But I digress. Having an alleged murderer as a contestant on Megan Wants a Millionaire has thrown the production company and the VH-1 network into quite a tizzy as you can well imagine. The show has now been cancelled. I guess Megan Houserman will have to find her millionaire the old fashioned way, by slinking around the bars of Las Vegas trolling for an Arab sheik or a Japanese corporate executive. It seems that reality TV can survive pretty much anything. Tax cheats, garden variety woman batterers, check kiters, crazy parents pimping out their kids for fame and money, and drunken, whorish strippers and trollops staggering around and banging faded, goatish rock stars, all grist for our entertainment mill.

That an honest to god, sociopathic murderer was too much even for the abysmally low standards of reality TV should probably count as a pleasant surprise.

Update: Fox news is reporting that Ryan Jenkins has been found dead in Canada. Suicide by hanging. May God have mercy on your soul, Asshole.

How can we miss you if you won't go away?

Man, dis job's da bomb.
How many weeks of vacation do I get again?

Obama has gone on vacation and I, for one, sincerely hope the media gives all of us one. I can't wait to have a whole week absent his droning bullshit day after day night after night on my TV screen. My god, the man is becoming like Big Brother. Whenever you turn on the tube, sho' nuff, there he is. (Or should I say there He is.) Obama's poll numbers may even stop the free fall if he disappears for a while.

I've finally figured out who Obama reminds me of. He's the guy that comes into the HR department; his CV is outstanding, but his post education resume is a little sketchy. You decide to go ahead and schedule him for an interview. He walks in the door. He looks great in a suit, has a hundred watt smile, is articulate, and smoothly explains away the thin achievements. He also happens to be black, and you know the higher ups are big on diversity, so with that tipping the scales he gets the job.

During the first few weeks he doesn't do a whole lot of productive work but you figure that he just needs to get the lay of the land. A little more time goes by and you realize that every time you spot him in the office the only thing he's doing is bullshitting with the other employees. The work that he does manage to turn in is pedestrian, not creative and totally devoid of the innovative ideas he led you to believe he was capable of. It takes a while (because you really don't want to admit it to yourself) before you realize that your terrific new hire is nothing but the proverbial empty suit. You wish you could get rid of him, but he has a contract (plus the black thing) so you just hope for the best and pray he doesn't do anything too detrimental to the health of the company.

Think about it. Obama has never released his college transcripts (forget about the birth certificate). He was the editor of the Harvard Law Review but with virtually no paper trail that we could scrutinize to get an idea of his thought process. We have no personal records from his time as an Illinois state senator and his time in the U.S. Senate has been spent running for president. All we do have is an autobiography (by definition not an independent source on someone's life) and a list of shady characters that he spent a lot of time hanging with (Jeremiah Wright, Bill Ayers and Bernadine Dohrn, plus various other Chicago politicians and fixers). So, with little else than the fog of HopeyChangey oratory, we elected him president.

God help us, its going to be a long three and half more years until his contract is up for renewal.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

A little late to the party.

The national news (in the form of USA Today) is finally catching up to the story that first appeared in the LA Times about people being unable to afford funerals for their loved ones in this horrible economy. (Translation: I'd rather spend money on MEEEEEEEE than my mom's funeral.) The Funeral Guy commented on this back in July. Click here.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Ooops! Shit happens.

When you're busy they all start looking alike
even to the professional eye.

This is only a story because it involves a wrong body, peoples' emotions and a funeral home, otherwise it's just another dispute over poor customer service.

This kind of mix up doesn't happen often but it does happen. Mostly due to the fact that a lot of funeral homes are now corporately owned and when your loved one's body is removed from the place of death most likely it will go to a care center that is not connected to the individual mortuary. There the body is embalmed, dressed, prepped and casketed. Some care centers deal with numerous cases a day and like any other high volume operation mistakes get made.

My associate had a switched body case just before I started here. He had two visitations on the same night and not enough help. Just too busy and lo and behold...right casket, right suit, wrong body. The first family arrives and the son walked up to the deceased, looked perplexed and said, "Why did you shave my Dad's mustache?" My buddy's thinking "Mustache?" Then a little kid blows the whole thing wide open. "Hey!!!!! That's not Uncle John!!!!" To make a long story short the bodies get redressed and the family gets the price of the visitation and the casket comped.

I remember when he told me this story I said to him, "You mean that you took them all the way back in the prep room, undressed both guys, redressed them, recasketed them and then got them back to the viewing rooms?" "Yeah," he said. I looked at him and smiled. "Wouldn't it have been easier to just switch the heads?"

Ha ha. Funeral home humor.

Just in: Video of the funeral fiasco. I guess if it was your loved one it would be hard to find the humor in the situation.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Today we lost...

Rose Friedman-Champion of free minds and free markets.
December ?, 1911-August 18, 2009 (Age 97)

Wrote (along with her husband, Nobel Prize winning economist Milton Friedman) Free to Choose and The Tyranny of the Status Quo. A brilliant and accomplished woman, Rose joins her beloved husband Milton in heaven where they won't be running into any communists.

Robert "Bob" Novak-Long time reporter on Washington beat.
February 26, 1931-August 18, 2009 (Age 78)

I used to love watching this guy on The Capital Gang and Crossfire. Shows that made me realize that politics was going to be for me like sports are for normal guys. Any pundit nicknamed "The Prince of Darkness" was bound to be OK in my book. Robert Novak came off as cynical and hard boiled (most assuredly not an act) but underneath you could tell that he really just loved the game of it. Bob Novak was the last of his breed. Died due to complications of brain cancer.

Well I would hope so!

Science ponders

'zombie attack'

This is a real headline. Click for story.

My daughter has always been worried about her beloved father considering the nature of his work. I used to call her from the hearse when I was leaving a cemetery. She would always remind me that I was going to be one of the first victims of the Zombie Apocalypse. I'll sleep better tonight knowing that the Canadians, at least, are taking this issue seriously. Obama, what are you doing to keep Americans safe?

Monday, August 17, 2009

California government workers give greedy pigs a bad name.

CALpers and CALstrs union bosses figuring out new ways to screw the taxpayer.

If you want to see smoke and flame shooting out of my ass just show me another story about public employee unions and their pensions.

Read the whole story but all you really need to know is that there are 3096 retired LA County employees and 5115 retired state employees receiving $100,000+ pensions and God knows how many that are below that but still pulling down more than you idiots who are actually still working for a living. One of these shameless hacks, former Vernon City Administrator Bruce Malkenhorst is sucking the teat to the tune of an astounding $499,675 a year. IN RETIREMENT!!!! Oh, and the capper? He's under indictment for two counts of misappropriating funds for personal use. (Considering his pension, how is his criminal activity different?)

Government employees should not be able to unionize. PERIOD. END OF ISSUE. Collective bargaining is skewed when the entity that you're bargaining with doesn't have to attract customers, make a profit or adhere to any free market principles at all. Government employees want more money and golden retirements? Easy. Just tax the suckers. For the rest of you in other places in the country, don't laugh, this is coming your way eventually. I tell my daughter as much as I hate the idea of it, if you want security in this life get a government job.

This can't be sustained. Eventually the exodus of the productive will result in more people riding in the wagon than pulling the wagon. When that happens the union bosses can pound on the table all they want. They may be able to hardball politicians, but you can't hardball math.

This picture is scary and disturbing in a total WTF kind of way.

The dude with Steven is some actor I've never heard of.
Not his nurse as I assumed.

I really hope this is just a bad picture of Steven Tyler. A band I was in shared a bill with Aerosmith back in the seventies, so I've seen Steven Tyler backstage smashed beyond recognition, but this is just awful. Michael K of Dlisted thinks he looks like "a rundown Ruth Bader Ginsberg". But what he really reminds me of is this:

Norman Bates's "Mother" from the original Psycho.

Somebody throw me a life preserver...I'm drowning in Boomer nostalgia.

I've never been one of the millions of people that lied about their attendance at Woodstock. Had I been home in Ohio I probably would have been one of the hundreds of thousands of drug addled young fools to traipse off to Yasgur's farm for 3 days of Peace, Love & Rock and Roll. Translation: Drugs, nudity, sex, mud, rain, misery, more drugs to forget the mud, rain and misery, etc., etc., etc. At the time I was on tour on the other side of the country (wrong place, wrong time again) indulging in, you guessed it, sex, drugs and rock and roll.

Mean Hippie

Not a lot of Peace and Love in California that August as Charlie Manson and his merry band of creepy crawly sociopaths were busy stabbing and slicing up the local rich people. I can now reveal that quite frankly, I hated Hippies from the moment some smelly guy rolled up to me backstage in the late 60's and screamed through his spittle flecked beard, "Music should be freeeeeeee.....Maaaaaaaaannnnn!" God, fuck off asshole...I'm trying to make a living here. The sex and the drugs were fun during that time (although ultimately destructive) but Hippies sucked big monkey balls.

Anyway, we have rolled around to the 40th anniversary of that magical time, and deference must be paid to us solipsistic Boomers. Watching Woodstock (the film) while sober you're forced to admit that most of the music sounded like crap. Not the fault of the performers necessarily as the conditions were awful. I've played plenty of outside gigs and hated the way every one of them sounded. The film is interesting as a cultural artifact, I suppose, and some performances do stand out. Here is one of them from a guy who against all odds is still alive and about to be collecting Social Security checks. Truth be told, he's been in my death pool for years.

Ladies and Gentlemen...Mr. Joe Cocker.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Died on this date:

Elvis Aaron Presley-The King of Rock & Roll-August 16, 1977 (Age 42)
Volumes have been written on the influence of Elvis on the evolution of popular music so I won't presume to add anything here other than I loved Elvis's music from the first time I heard it when I was 6 years old. Heartbreak Hotel was the first record I ever asked my mother to buy for me. So for my mom who died one year and four days ago and who loved Elvis most when he sang gospel here is The King singing Amazing Grace.

Friday, August 14, 2009

File under: No Shit Sherlock

It looks like scuzzy lizard lawyer, vice presidential candidate on the ticket of a major American political party, presidential hopeful and all around example of the worst kind of shitsack lying phony that the Democrat party can come up with is finally going to 'fess up to being the babydaddy of the bastard kidlet of shameless starfucker, Rielle Hunter. (Real name Lisa Druck, former fuck buddy of novelist Jay McInerney who immortalized her coke snorting skankitude in Bright Lights, Big City.) Thankfully, this admission won't end this grubby little tale as a grand jury is taking a long look at the payoffs to certain parties in an impossible attempt to keep the lid on this potboiler. I say thankfully, because this particular pants down party is more fun than the douchbaggery of Mark Sanford. And no, I don't feel sorry for Elizabeth Edwards (whose name always has to be, by media affirmation, prefaced by the phrase "cancer stricken") because I think she's up to her eyeballs in the foisting of her fraud of a husband on the American voter.

I suspect that confessing what any person not in a coma already knew came about for a number of reasons.

1. DNA was gonna prove it irrefutably. (She shoulda gone on MAURY!!!)

2. Andrew Young, the stooge Edwards was using as the daddy beard has a tell all book coming out. His publisher is probably paying major dough for the "big reveal."

3. Edwards is a lawyer. He's got to know at some point he'll be asked under oath about his paternity.

4. Rielle Hunter is a woman. She wasn't going to keep her mouth shut forever.

5. And finally, this recently released photo of the love child. What more proof do you need?

Rielle "Lisa Druck" Hunter. Good enough for a one night boning after a couple of drinks on the campaign trail? Sure. Why not? But would you throw your life away on it? I don't think so. Not if you're sane.
Which brings us to John Edwards. Shown here describing the organ that has the little head that does the thinkin'.

This story ain't over folks, more juicy fun to come. The Funeral Guy will keep 'ya posted.

My Hero.

I love the math on this story. Four assholes enter the business of 72 year old Charles Augusto, Jr. with nefarious intent (i.e. armed robbery). Three blasts from Mr. Augusto's 12 gauge shotgun equals two assholes dead and two assholes wounded. A storybook ending by my reckoning. If this would have been, say Texas, Mr. Augusto would have received a ticker tape parade and a key to the city for his fine work in vermin extermination and the possible re-education of the surviving mopes to perhaps find another line of work. But this being New York City the prosecutor is mulling over citing Mr. Augusto for his lack of a permit for the shotgun. Unbelievable.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

This is for you. You know who you are.

I'm sorry, somebody had to say it.

I'd love to know the collective IQ of the voters who keep returning this addlebrained numbskull to Congress.

In an elected body that is filled to the brim with complete and total morons, Sheila Jackson-Lee (D-Texas 18th District)) has got to be at the top of anyone's list of clueless, egotistical buffoons. (She famously mistook the flag planted by Neil Armstrong on the moon as being on Mars. And yes, she was on the House Science Committee at the time.) A legend in her own mind and thoroughly convinced of her shining brilliance, the woman is so clearly in love with the sound of her own voice that she is genetically unable to turn off the spigot that she calls her mouth. She reminds me of a black, female Foghorn Leghorn in a dress and an Imelda Marcos wig. Here is the Mensa representative from Texas in an interview with Greta Van Susteren defending her outrageously rude behavior in a townhall meeting on Wednesday. Hilarious!

Could a father be more proud?

The Funeral Guy's beautiful daughter in training
to defend herself against the Zombie Apocalypse.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Some things are just wrong.

Beauty and the Crypt Keeper

Shawn and Larry bonding over cataract surgery.

It's looking like this kind of fuckery is getting to be a running feature on The Funeral Guy. Old guys and trophy wives. I can't imagine that Shawn King and Deidre Imus are all hot and wet when they climb on top of these two old cadavers, unless they are feeling up the back of the pants where the wallet is instead of the front.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Ahhhh....Behold, the mystical power of celebrity.

As an aging baby boomer I gotta give up the props for Cheech Marin, of Cheech & Chong fame. Stoner comic, G-list celeb and this is what he's banging. She's Russian and they just got married so maybe it's a green card thing. Whatever...have at it till the heart attack...not the worst way to go in my humble opinion. Congratulations, Cheech, this blunts for you.

h/t Dlisted

Maybe she was just asleep during the Bush years. Oh, wait, Nancy never sleeps because she can't shut her eyes.

When I think natural beauty? I think The Speakeress of the House.

The funniest thing all week had to be Nancy "Bug Eyes" Pelosi's comment about all the swastikas supposedly found at the town hall meetings where the riff raff have had the audacity, not of hope, but to express their displeasure with the work of their betters as they toil to bestow the gift of universal health care on the ungrateful rubes. Noblesse oblige, indeed. How dare that rabble compare us to Nazis? Where would they even get such an idea?

Well, it took me exactly .31 seconds to Google up 3,280,000 hits of photos and other Bush=Hitler laff-a-minute hilarity. Here are just a few samples. You get the idea.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

This just in...Sad news.

John Hughes-Director, Producer and Writer.
February 18, 1950-August 6, 2009 (Age 59)

John Hughes owned teen comedies in the 80's. The Breakfast Club, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Sixteen Candles, Pretty in Pink and many, many more. You could always count on a John Hughes film to be both funny and smart.

Died suddenly of a heart attack while taking a morning walk in New York City.

Rest in Peace.

Died on this date:

A whole bunch of residents of the city of Hiroshima, Japan August 6, 1945

The atomic bomb nicknamed "Little Boy" was dropped on this date in 1945 on the city of Hiroshima. The United States warned them it was coming. We were not warned when they bombed Pearl Harbor. Little Boy killed an estimated 145,00 from blast trauma, flash burns, radiation burns, malnutrition and radiation sickness. The combined bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki (3 days later, bomb nicknamed Fat Man) brought the Japanese war machine to its knees and saved an estimated one million casualties that would have resulted from an invasion of the mainland. This has established the benchmark that Uncle Sam may be slow to anger but in the final analysis is not someone to be fucked with.

"Sow the wind, reap the whirlwind..."
Hosea 8:7
"I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds."
The Bhagavad Gita

Sorry for the light posting.

Just to let my readers know (both of you) I've had a very busy week. Six traditional Catholic funerals aka The Bread and Butter of the Funeral Business running through Saturday. Also dog days of summer newswise. (Except for the health care fiasco. My Bro' The Conservatarian has been covering that topic extensively. Check him out.) Hopefully some celebrity will crash and burn soon so I can skewer him/her with my rapier wit.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Posted only because I've never seen anything quite like it.

No, it's not the planet Jupiter in a bikini bottom. It's the ass of Jennifer Lopez. Muy espectacular!

Sounds like an embalmer who was anxious to start his weekend.

NYC Family Sues Over Funeral Home Horror

Click on headline for story.

Since there was no comment on the part of the funeral home due to the pending litigation I'll take the article at face value. (No pun intended) First of all, it sounds like the body wasn't embalmed. After an embalming you shouldn't have any blood leakage because there is no blood left. It gets replaced by the embalming fluid. You can have fluid leakage, but it ain't blood. Maybe the family didn't want to pay for embalming, I don't know and the story doesn't say. There is usually no reason that autopsied remains that weren't subject to some kind of trauma (blunt force, gunshot, knife wounds, etc.) to the face shouldn't be viewable. And even in those cases I've seen good embalmers work miracles. The discoloration could have come from attempts to revive the person or poor circulation due to his diabetes. The thing is that all bodies are different. I've seen people who have had so many procedures to prolong their life that by the time we get them they're a mess. And some families are just not happy unless you can make their loved one get up out of the casket so he can get on with his life. Human nature, I suppose. I'd like to see the photos, otherwise all is speculation. As for the buzzing flies, any funeral home can have a fly or two, but if they are "buzzing around" the deceased's open wound? You gottsa problem, Yo.

I never have a problem with advising a family against viewing. I just ask myself one question. "If this were my loved one, is this the memory of them I want to take away with me?" Bottom line.

Here's a good example of the embalmers art.

This is not a man who died peacefully in his sleep.

Granted he looks like he should be in Madame Toussauds Wax Museum but nobody's going to lose their lunch over him.