Thursday, April 29, 2010

Maxine knows how to party!! Tea Party that is.

I saw this post in The Corner and realized I recognized the lady on the right.

Tea Party ladies so dangerous the S.W.A.T. team had to be called.
And the one on the (far) right is..........

Maxine.  The cartoon world's favorite old lady.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

After sex, drinking and sexy drunks, finally...some DEATH!!!!!

I got this link from about three people today, but as usual, there was one that was first over the finish line.  So a shout out to the man who wastes more time on the interwebs than I do.  Our old friend tbird.

Embalming is always more art than science and there is an embalmer at Marin Funeral Home in Puerto Rico that is a real Rembrandt (or Rembrandto, if you will).  We were looking at this at work today and were trying to figure out how the embalmer did this.  We were thinking in a chair maybe.  When you embalm a deceased person they get stiff really fast.  Think super-charged Jello.   We're going to ask our guy when he comes in tomorrow how he thought it was done.

This is the same funeral home that did the viewing of the Standing Homeboy.  I wonder if this place specializes in murdered gangbangers since that's how both of these dudes met their Maker.

Marin Funeral Home. 
No final wish is too bizarre. 

Meanwhile over in Switzerland, the go to place when you want to off yourself no questions asked, some 300 urns have been found in Lake Zurich.  The urns were traced to the Dignitas Clinic which assists folks with their suicides.  This was not a case of great detective work since the logo of the crematory that serves Dignitas was stamped on top of the urns.  

I find this story odd.  Didn't these people make some kind of arrangement for the disposition of their remains?  If these were terminally ill people wouldn't their families want them back?  If you ask me Dignitas doesn't sound very dignified.  Although, if I was a Russian or Italian mafioso the greedy owner of a euthanasia outfit might be just the kind of guy I'd like to talk to about helping me with some enemies.

These are awfully big urns. 
I would suspect that cremains were co-mingled 

Finally, when it comes to assisted suicide both sides of the issue have valid points.  Slippery slopes vs. individual autonomy.  Tough questions for sure. The only thing I do know is that I couldn't work in a place like Dignitas.  That's not a job I'd want to have to rationalize on Judgement Day.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Jon Gosselin...Coming soon to a homeless shelter or a dumpster near you.

Slow news day so I was going through the archives here at TFG and saw that I was way too obsessed with the Gosselins for a time there.  See here and here and here and here and here.  Whew!!  (Quote from my daughter.  "You're too old to be looking at all that celebrity shit.  It's embarrassing that you know so much about these people."  That's me, dear 'ol Dad.  Embarrassing my kid since 1995.)

Be that as it may, I'm going to allow myself a bit of an update.  So sue me.

First up, Jon.  Jon is having a bit of a cash flow problem.  He's on the hook to Kate for $22,000 a month for child support which he trying to get reversed.  Along with just regular bills that has got to be some nut for a dude with no job and few prospects.  What's a guy to do?  Sell your BMW, that's what.  Jon is trying to unload the car that he bought when he and Kate were hillbilly rich.  (Jon was formerly an IT analyst and Kate an RN.  If it hadn't been for that dopey TV show they and all their munchkins would be on food stamps like that fucking leach, Octomom.)  Anyway, he's trying to get $25,000 for his pussy magnet of a car.  Great.  Not exactly a long term solution.  What are you going to do next month, Jon?

Well, like good 'ol boy Joe Buck in Midnight Cowboy, Jon gonna get hisself manwhored out to a rich sugar momma.  (Although whoring didn't work out so well for this guy.)  Rumor has it that some 40-something woman in D.C. is going to give him a go.  Hopefully, for the sake of his future livelihood his oral skills are super scary good since both of his post-Kate girlfriends went to the media to disparage his teeny tallywhacker.  They even said they bonded over the laughter.  Just a couple of new frenemies yukking it up over the under endowed penis of the guy they both fucked so they could get their pictures on the gossip interwebs.  Lovely.  Just for the record, Kate joins the pile-on and confirms that she used to refer to Jon's pecker as "stubby".  Guys?  Hell hath no fury.

Alright!!...alright, already.  It's three.  Three inches.
Are there any other questions? 

Meanwhile, Kate, who is the slightly more marketable one of these two dysfunctional personalities, is desperately determined to keep the fame train on the track.  Her mortifying performance on Dancing With The Stars, was dancing only in the sense that there was music playing and her legs propelled her from one end of the stage to the other.  (I'd like to take this opportunity to gratefully thank Joel McHale and his wonderful show The Soup for sparing me from having to actually watch these awful fucking shows.)  You really had to witness this human disaster "dancing" to appreciate just how abysmally bad it was.  Imagine being a worse dancer than former Majority Leader of the House, Tom DeLay.

You almost have to admire the tenacity with which Kate Gosselin pursues her famewhoredom.   Look-at-me...I wrote a book!!! About faith and kids?...yeah, well...they really like the nanny. Wal-Mart...Kate...getting a Starbucks...Kate gets a new hairstyle...90's MILF!!  Documented for us almost every day.

And now Kate informs us in an interview that she hasn't had sex in 15 months.  "I'm married to my kids and my career." she says.  What a bullshit statement.  She a "mom" in name only and she's made a talentless void of a career out of getting her picture on "celebrity" websites.  A pretty amazing hustle when you think about it.

Hey Kate.  If you're looking to break your dry spell
I showed this picture to my co-worker 
and he paid you the ultimate compliment.
"I'd tap it."

And the celibacy?  She looks good enough that somebody should be giving her a good boinking soon.  Maybe afterwards he'll go on TV and talk about how loose her pussy was.  We can all have a good laugh then, can't we.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

I think we finally have the answer as to how that Madoff scam went unnoticed for so long.

This thing has gone so viral that I was hesitant to post about it.  For a guy like me this story is the proverbial fish in a barrel, but what the hell.  It has two of my favorite elements for a story of fuckery gone wild.  Porn and government employees.  In this case the Securities and Exchange Commission.  You know, the agency that fiddled (with their puds) while Wall Street burned.

I'm gonna link to the Daily News story because of all the sites I checked they win the prize for the most puns and double entendres.  My hat is off to staff writer Leo Standora for working in SEC=SEX, titillating, booty, cracks, probes, spread and full-blown into his story.  Also, they posted a photo of a broad with nice titties in nothing but a bra in front of her keyboard.  I think I should send these guys my resume'.

Back to your tax dollars at work.  I won't rehash the whole thing but the whole damn story would be hysterically funny if it hadn't had a part in the collapse of our economy.  One senior attorney apparently spent up to eight hours a day porn surfing.  Eight hours!!?? Isn't that in work time like...all day?  (Where do you think you work, pudwhacker?  A funeral home?)  And most of these wankers were not your average, bored, low-level cubicle drones.  Seventeen of these fuckwits were sucking the taxpayer dry (see, I can double entendre, too) to the tune of up to $222,000 a year.

Investigators are looking into whether government computers 
were also used to download Kitty Porn.

Jenna Goudreau from Forbes (who judging from her photo is shit hot, by the way) is shocked! shocked! that one of the female employees was actually involved in something so skeevy  The accountant, who I'm guessing was the most popular gal in the office, tried to access online porn 1800 times in two weeks and had 600 explicit photos on her work laptop.  Oh, behaaaave!!!  There is no truth to the rumor that Bill Clinton and John Edwards are both lobbying Obama for an appointment to head (tee hee) the agency.

When you get to the end of it all this is less of a story about porn than it is a story that proves that you don't have to be a hard working stiff to get a government job.

But it helps to be a jack-off.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Gay News...The fabulousness is absolutely fabulous!

Grease up that bat, Mary, I'll show you how gay I am. 

Gay Baseball.
When a pat on the butt just isn't enough. 

Three bisexual dudes are suing The North American Gay Amateur Athletic Alliance (are you amateur if you've been paid for gay sex?) because their team was stripped of their second place finish for having too many "nongay" players.  The rules only allow 2 heterosexual players on a team.  

After another team went boo hoo hoo, the three men were called into a room with 25 people and were subjected to "personal and intrusive" questions about their sexual attractions and desires to determine just how gay they really were.  Oh, my.  They should have done it over the phone and charged $1.95 a minute.  

Bottom line? (Tee hee) The three men want $75,000 each for "emotional distress."

Two thoughts.  First, real straight men don't experience "emotional distress".   Ergo, they're gay.  Second, there is no such thing as a bisexual man.  If you have sucked on another man's peenie even once (unless you were in prison and had a shank to your neck) it doesn't matter what else you do with your sex life.  You're gay.

Do we finally have a love interest for Jughead? 

Dreamy Kevin Keller.
He's Gay-tastic!!

Somebody better take the doors off the stalls in the boy's bathroom at Riverdale High,  Archie comics is introducing it's first "openly" gay character.  Goodness knows how many closet cases they've had cruising the halls all these years.  The new guy in town is a wavy blonde cutie named Kevin Keller.  And according to the article, one of his dilemmas will be how to fend off the flirtatious Veronica. 'bout, "Hey Veronica, get a clue bitch.  I'm gay!  Let's give Betty a ring and go shopping."

Seriously, I really want to know.  Who the fuck still reads Archie comics?  Any adults?  Raise your hands.  Is it kids?  If so, do they really need to be following the adventures of gay Kevin?

I remember when I was a kid in the 50's and 60's I, and every other kid I knew, thought the Archie comics were completely and utterly lame.  Superman was on television in his underwear and Archie, Jughead, Reggie (talk about a closet case) and all the rest of the Riverdale High weenies dressed like they were still in the 1940's.  If memory serves, I think the cars still had running boards and the characters used phrases like "23 Skiddo" and "that's swell."  And no, my first masturbatory fantasies involved neither Betty or Veronica.

So maybe gay Kevin Keller is a good idea.  Lord knows, Riverdale could use a little shakeup.  Let me know when Kevin starts walking around in assless chaps.  That's an issue that might be interesting enough to pick up.

Larry King Update: Shawn's boy-toy talks while Larry's elderly sex obsessions run amok.

The wife, her cooch and the coach. 

The latest rumor is that Larry and the Misses have put their divorce on hold to see if things can be worked out.  Aaaaawwww.  That's nice.  The "You fucked my sister" and "Oh, yeah?  You fucked the Little League coach" poo flinging contest has gone dark for now.

Or has it?  The coach in question is flexing his pecs, opening his yap and giving us the full monty on his Cougar/MILF shagging of the present Mrs. King.  And I must say if Shawn's lady bits are as juicy as the quotes from the coach, Shawn will have every sentient male in the neighborhood lining up for a shot if and when she decides to dump her cadaver of a husband.

Hector Penate, the King kid's baseball coach.
After the game he fucks all the moms 
then does a drive-by.

Shawn's fuck buddy, Hector Penate, 31, told In Touch magazine that it took him all of two and a half weeks to get into Mrs. Hard-To-Get's pants.  And when he did, whoo boy!  Let's hear Hector Fuck 'n' Tell in his own words. "We had sex in Larry's bed -- a lot.  I had sex with Shawn while Larry was on TV. Our sex life was real good."

Some might think that boning a guy's wife in his own bed to be somewhat bad form, but look at the upside.  When the cuckolded hubby has a live TV show all you have to do is turn on the tube, make sure he's there, then have at it.  Hell, fuck her on the kitchen table if you want.  It's not like an angry spouse is going to come walking in the door with a gun anytime soon.

Hector also informs us that Shawn bought him a BMW and paid his rent.  Which in my mind, elevates him from your kid's little league coach to full fledged manwhore.

Good Evening, Ladies and Gentlemen.  This is Larry King Live.  Tonight, I've got a boner...for the full hour!

"So tell me, Pamela.  
What was it you liked best about Tommy Lee's cock.
The length or the girth?"

Meanwhile, back at CNN, Larry is still inexplicably working, despite having senior moments where he forgets who he is and channels Howard Stern.  Last week he asked (and asked, and asked) an embarrassed (how often does that happen?) Pamela Anderson if she wore panties on Dancing With The Stars.  Then a few days ago, he was leeringly agreeing with Sarah Silverman that yes, Sarah Palin should pose nude for Playboy.

I can only imagine that senior CNN executives are starting to give each other the "side-eye" while whispering, "Holy shit, what the hell are we going to do about Larry?"  Well, CNN, you're going to have to do something.  Larry's ratings are starting to tank and he's beginning to act like the old guy in the nursing home that they have to keep a lap robe on because he won't stop masturbating.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

EU Drink-Off...Let's Bring It On!!!

The gauntlet has been thrown down:

Headline from the Irish Times:
Irish binge drinking "highest in EU."

Headline from the Telegraph (UK):
Britain is the "binge drinking capitol of Europe."

There is obviously only one way to settle this matter of national honor.  A totally pissed, drink till you drop, Battle of the Titans.

In this corner.  Representing the proud Emerald Isle.

Shane Macgowan, world class, hollow-legged souse and legendary falling down drunk singer of The Pogues.  What he lacks in teeth, he more than makes up for in age, experience, and a liver the size (and probably shape) of Ireland itself.  A life long hootch hound of Herculean capacity and endurance, Shane has to be considered a favorite by reputation and longevity alone.

And in the opposite corner.  For the yobs and ladettes of Britain.

The Queen of Quaff and Princess of the Plastered, Laura Hall, is the fastest rising star of the EU drinking scene.  She's young, she's foxy and she's really, really thirsty.  And at only 20 years of age has amassed an astonishing 26 booze related violations including the coveted title of being the only person male or female to be banned from drinking in both England and Wales.  Her youthful liver is probably not yet cirrhotic which may give her a slight edge.  The only question, since she's on a nationwide no-booze-buy-list, is will she be able to train properly for the big event.

Stay tuned.

h/t The Corner

Happy Earth Day! It's 24 times more stupid than Earth Hour.

Today is Earth Day and all the hippies will be riding their unicorns to the open spaces provided by the great Goddess Gaia to dance, speechify and eat yummy rainbow granola cakes.  This year the happy cakes will be laced with Soma to further cloud the minds of all the enviro-robots so they won't catch a clue that the whole plan for global control via the AGW scam is coming unraveled.

So have your fun, little Luddites, celebrate the earth, hate mankind and hope for the day when they'll be nothing but dinosaurs roaming the Earth once more.   And if you have an extra minute raise your bong to commemorate the birthday of Vladimir Lenin, leader of of the Bolshevik Revolution, which also falls on this date.  (A total coincidence, I'm sure.)

Oh, by the way.  How about picking up the trash this year when you're done.

This is the trash left by 2008 Earth Day celebrants 
in Balboa Park, San Diego.
Stupid Fucking Hippies.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

My new favorite gal is back in the news.

Laura at her smiling, sober, going to court best.   

Laura Hall, god bless her.  She's got pluck and spunk and I'll put money on her to prove to the world that she will not let The Man keep her from being drunk off her ass if she wants to.

When last we saw our favorite, famous, fucked-up floozie, she had just been handed her DBO (Drunk Banning Order) and was on her way to international reknown.   Yesterday she appeared in court for her drunk and disorderly charge that she got on April 11th.  A violation of her Asbo that was all of ten days ago and just a few days before she got banned from every pub and liquor establishment in Britain and Wales.  Some new details of Laura's shenanigans have now come to light.

 The Laura that we've come to know and love.
Booty shorts, patterned tights, bra strap showing, 
a glass of booze and total drunk face. 

According to the story in the Daily Mail (UK), when Laura is in her cups she's prone to assaults, attacks on police officers, causing criminal damage, and drunk and disorderly.  26 convictions in all (so far).

District Judge Bruce Morgan gave Laura an ass-chewing and he was clearly not amused.

"A female with a record like this - it's absolutely despicable and represents all that is rotten in society nowadays."

(Hold on there judge.  That be sexist talk.  Save some of your ire for the yobs.)


"You can't go on behaving like this in public - it must be a frightening sight to see you in full sail behaving in a violent and aggressive manner."

( in completely and totally Hawwwwwttttttt!!!!!)

Judge Bruce also fined our little lass 75 quid for the offense and 100 for costs.
Damn.  That's some serous drinking money.

Drunk Laura photo thanks Dlisted.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Died on this date:

Steve Marriott
January 30, 1947-April 20, 1991
(Age 44)

Listening to Steve Marriott sing was like listening to Keith Moon play a drum fill.  They would both start someplace normal then veer so far into the weeds you began thinking "they are never going to get back  from there in one piece."  Then all of a sudden.  Bam!!! They tumbled into the sweet pocket of the song like it was always planned that way.  Fan-fucking-tastic.

Steve Marriott as Mod icon in Small Faces

We in the states first got notice of Steve Marriott's talents in 1967 in the group Small Faces.  Songs like Here Comes The Nice, Itchycoo Park, and Tin Soldier are great examples of early psychedelic pop.  Ogden's Nut Gone Flake was one of the first concept albums of the pop era and definitely deserves a listen if you haven't heard it.

Steve Marriott becomes 70's Bad Ass Rocker.

Steve moved into the 70's with his celebrated rock band, Humble Pie.  They never seemed to be in the same top tier as The Allman Brothers or Cream, but they were a great live band that really fucking rocked.  Performance...Rockin' the Fillmore is one of the best live albums of the 70's, bar none.   (Jerry Shirley of Humble Pie was one of my favorite drummers.)  Also check out Humble Pie and Rock On.  Classic rock at it's best.

Steve died when his house burned to the ground while he was asleep.  Passing out with a lit cigarette after a night of drink and drugs was suspected.

Wikipedia has a detailed summation of the life and times of Steve Marriott.

Ladies and Gentlemen...Humble Pie 
(featuring a kick-ass vocal by Steve Marriott.)

Monday, April 19, 2010

I never thought I'd agree with a demented Iranian cleric.

But I do on this one.   Women, you are the Master of Disaster.  Non-Islamic clothing and makeup incites the lust of muslim youth equals extra-marital affairs.  The next thing you know?   Boom!  Earthquakes. Makes perfect sense to me.  Nothing like a beautiful un-burkahed babe to make the earth your pants!

The mad-as-a-March-hare mullah, Ayotollah Kazem Sedighi, manages to find a nugget of truth like the blind squirrel snagging that occasional acorn.

Iranian born Samantha Tajik, Miss Universe 2008, 
had to take her hotness to Canada 
just to cool down the possibility that her 
lusty beauty would destroy the country.  
Forget the nukes, Ahmandinejad.
Just bring Samantha home and 
point her breasts at Israel!  

And for further proof.  Look at what started the volcano in Iceland.

Would you believe that this beauty causes an eruption 
every time she puts on that bikini?
Compared to that Eyajfallajokull was child's play.  

Sunday, April 18, 2010

The Nanny State vs The State of Inebriation.

My absolute favorite picture in the genre of drunk chick behavior. 

Thirty years ago Laura Hall, 20, would have been my dream girl.  Young, cute and a total fucking lush.

 Laura Hall.  Good time party girl.
Is that a crime? 

This story should put Laura in the All Time Top 10 of Drunk British Chicks but it is infuriatingly lacking in details.  We have the fact that Laura's been slapped with an Asbo for being a blotto bimbo.  We talked about Asbo's here.  Basically, an Asbo (Anti-social behavior order) is a civil order to stop acting like a yob or a slatternly laddete.  (It's a Brit thing.)  You're not exactly a criminal, but you're far from a model citizen.  It's kind of like being grounded.  Only by the state instead of your parents.

So Laura violates the Asbo for continuing to be chronically crocked.  The next step?  A DBO.  This is a Drinking Banning Order and it means just what it says.  YOU MAY NO LONGER BUY LIQUOR OR ENTER AN ESTABLISHMENT THAT SERVES LIQUOR.  WE, THE GOVERNMENT, HAVE SPOKEN.

What makes Laura the Grand Mistress of Stew Bums is that her DBO extends to all of Britain and Wales.  That is a first.  Bitch has to hop a ferry to Ireland to get her drink on.  All this and she's not even 21.  Although I think the legal drinking age in Britain is 11.  (Lexxie, check that one for me, will ya?  That's a girl.)

This is the nanny state bullshit that Britain is becoming known for.  The police are fucking worthless when it comes to dealing with real crime so they spend their time hassling the citizenry over petty little shit.  No wonder the people drink themselves to the point where the whole country should be in some kind of fucking rehab.

Now I'm not saying that Laura isn't an extremely annoying, slutty little whiskey sponge.   Like I said, it's impossible to tell from the story just what exactly are the specific behaviors that got her banned from every pub and liquor selling establishment in the country.   How bad do you have to be to be the one degenerate rummy singled out in an island nation overflowing with them?  Was she puking on folks in the public house?  (Eeeeuuuuwww!)  Or drunkenly screwing strangers on park benches?  (Haaaaawt!!)  Whatever.  If she's committing crimes throw her in the chokey and sentence her to some kind of program.  If she's just a garden variety souse, then let her have at it until she decides to get help or dies of cirrhosis.   Don't throw some stupid unenforceable ban on the woman, pat yourself on the back and say, "Well that's that, then.  Job well done."

This brings to mind a time in the 80's when your humble narrator was bum-rushed from a local Irish bar in Burbank for being too shit-faced on St. Patrick's Day.  St. Patrick's Day, for god's sake!  Have I ever mentioned I'm of Irish heritage?  This was a moment of clarity that eventually brought me around to sobriety.

So just one thought for Laura.  Honey, you're only 20.  You don't want to be a doughy, bleary-eyed barfly at 35, do you?   Hopefully your moment of clarity will come sooner than mine did.  Believe me, it'll save you a whole world of grief.

Friday, April 16, 2010

The search for WMD is over. It's in this guy's pants.

Nushawn Williams, 33, is a bad, bad guy.  A bad, bad guy who will be prowling the streets very soon unless the State of New York can get him civilly committed to a mental hospital after his prison sentence is up on Tuesday the 20th.

Nushawn Williams aka Shyteek Johnson.
A real charmer.

Nushawn, aka Shyteek Johnson, was sentenced in 1998 to 4 to 12 years in the Greybar Hotel for shoving his toxic waste dump of a dick into dozens of unsuspecting women and knowingly infecting at least thirteen with HIV.  (One of them a minor.)  The number of infected is most likely much more.  Read this story from when he was arrested in 1997 to get a picture of what a crack-head shitbag this dude really is.

Prison hasn't slowed Nushawn/Shyteek down much.  Most of the time he's been in the cooler for fighting, drug and weapon possession, threats and throwing his piss around on everybody.  He never made parole so his entire sentence is up which is why they have to figure out a way to keep this psycho thug on a leash in the booby hatch.

Which brings me to the question.  Why is this asswipe still alive?  And I don't mean how come he didn't get the death penalty or anything.  (Not that that would bring any tears.)  But he's got AIDS for chrissakes.  Don't people die from that shit anymore?  I haven't had an AIDS death at the funeral home for a couple of years.  I know about the "cocktail" so I guess it really works.  That's a good thing.  AIDS is a horrible death.

That being said let's get back to Shyteek.  (I like the way half of his aka is "Johnson".  How Freudian is that?)  I had my researcher Lexxie Google up the cost of a AIDS "cocktail".  The treatment averages $20,000 a year.  Nushawn has been in the joint for 12 years.  That's $240,000 in AIDS drugs.  And unlike Magic Johnson I don't think Shyteek/Nushawn is picking up his own tab from the money he wisely invested while dealing crack.  Add to that the average cost of incarceration at $30,000 per year and we can see that Mr. Johnson and his infected johnson is quite a drain to the taxpayers of New York.  Not to mention a living nightmare to the poor women (stupid as they were to spread their legs for this piece of dreck) that now have to live with the HIV virus or the horror of AIDS.  (And however many kids and other men they passed it to.  The mind boggles.)

So let's hope that the State of New York is successful in their effort to keep this bug infested monster incarcerated.  Here is the description of Nushawn from the Attorney General of New York's report.

"He is sexually pre-occupied with having sex multiple times per day in the community with multiple partners and has deficits in self-regulation."

Or in plain English.  "Nushwan Williams is a psychopathic sex-fiend who will continue to compulsively re-offend because he doesn't give a shit about anybody or anything but his own gratification."

Lock him up.  Take away his meds.  And let nature take its course.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

The headline I never thought I would write in a million years. Larry King...Bone Daddy!

This just in...Larry King is getting his...I'm going from memory here...I think his 15th divorce.  Oh, sorry, I just re-checked the story.  It's his 8th.  (Larry married wife #3 twice.)   And this one involves more fuckery than the first divorce when his wife caught him laying pipe with Mary Todd Lincoln.  (Back in the Swingin' 60's...the 1860's!!)

"Just keep smiling and don't let go, baby, 
I think I just heard my hip crack." 

Larry, whose birth certificate is written on papyrus in Roman numerals, is currently married to wife number six, Shawn Southwick, 50 and MILF-yyyyyy!  They are now splitsville after 13 years of marriage.  Not the luckiest of numbers but the only one of Larry's that lasted into the double digits.

So what happened?  Easier to say what didn't.  Trouble has been a-brewin' for about the last five years according to sources.  Then in February, Larry took a very public bitch slapping from his wife in front of Nate 'n' Al's restaurant in Beverly Hills.  Shawn is lucky she's not facing a manslaughter rap since an open hand slap could easily kill a guy Larry's age.  Elder abuse is never OK.

What the hell could cause a wife such fury with her decrepit husband.  A cut in the allowance?  Constant bitching about no prune juice in the fridge?   Shitting the bed?  Nooooo.   How 'bout finding out your crypt keeper hubby has been depleting his Viagra supply while buttering the muffin of YOUR SISTER!!!  YOUR YOUNGER SISTER!!!   That's right, dear readers, Larry has been slipping his moldy oldie into the family honey pot.  It's kinda like Tennessee Williams except with old jewish men and their hot shiksa wives.

Shannon Engemann, the home wrecking whore lady in question, denies everything but according to rumors Lusty Larry lavished Shannon with very expensive jewelry and even a car.  Again, Shannon says no hanky panky but admits that Larry has been very generous with the "whole family".  No wonder Shawn is pissed.  Never get between a trophy wife and the spousal wallet.

This is Shannon Engemann, the sultry sister-in-law. 
Gotta hand it to the old pussy hound,  
she's like the hottest babe in the trailer park. 

This is going to get much worse.  Lawyers have been retained and the guns are loaded.  Shawn has a 2008 stint in rehab for addiction to painkillers.  Larry says Shawn was banging the soccer coach.  Shawn and Larry also have two kids and houses galore to fight over.   (Two kids!!  I would have thought that old mummy's balls were filled with nothing but dust.)  All this and no pre-nup.  Ouch!

The Funeral Guy's marital history has had its share of complications, but holy shit, this is one nasty clusterfuck.


Monday, April 12, 2010

Unfortunately, I blew my investment budget on the Sony Betamax and New Coke or I'd get right in on this.

Here is a new product that I don't think our visually impaired brethren has been exactly clamoring for.  The magazine Tactile Minds is the brain fart of Lisa Murphy, who hopes to cash in on the under served market of blind people that are looking seeking to purchase stroke mags just like everybody else.

The main problem with X-rated Braille?
The whole purpose of porn is to have at least one hand free.

The price?  150 quid.  That's $230 American.  Pretty steep for a bunch of raised dots that are not going to give even the most desperate blind guy a stiffy.   Does this sound like a money maker to you?

Playboy put out a Braille edition for a time in the 70's, but that was only so blind guys could lie that they only read it for the articles.

The Japanese, always on the cutting edge, 
are signing up models for the new enterprise.

Maybe my knowledge of the non-sighted is totally off base but my thoughts on this are:

Porn is for men.  Men are visual and if you were born blind the dots are not going to mean shit.

Sex is still fun for blind people because:
(A) It's fun and it feels good.  You don't have to see orgasms for them to feel good and be fun.
(B) The smell of sex and the feel of skin will make up for not seeing the object of your desire.  Ever heard of sex in the dark?

If you became blind later in life the memory of the opposite sex will do well enough for fantasy masturbation.  You will not need a bunch of stupid dots.

Lisa Murphy knows nothing about porn or men.  She is full of crap and her idea is total loser.  Her being Canadian may have something to do with this.

Maybe there's a good reason shariah law forbids women drivers.

A 24 year old muslim woman was killed in Sydney, Australia when her burkha became caught in the axle of the go cart (!?) that she was driving.  The neck injuries were so severe that the woman died soon after the accident.

Not the woman that was killed
but ya' gotta love the picture.

This brings to mind Isadora Duncan, the acknowledged creator of modern dance, who favored long flowing scarves.  At least right up until the moment one them got wound up in the spokes of her open top car strangling her almost to the point of decapitation.  (This accident caused Gertrude Stein to remark that "affectations can be dangerous.")

How droll.

Died on this date:

Marilyn Chambers
World's First Porn Star
April 22, 1952-April 12, 2009
(Age 56)

Marilyn Chambers.
Iconic Adult Film Star

Still beautiful in middle age.
MILF-y? Indeed.

Marilyn Chambers was the woman who redefined pornography from being the doughy, sleazy tramps of stag films to "Oh, my god, I can't believe I'm watching a woman that gorgeous having sex."

Jim and Artie Mitchell had a stroke of genius (sorry) when they cast the innocent looking Miss Chambers as the star of their seminal (oops, sorry) porn film Behind The Green Door (1972).  Ironically, it wasn't until after the film was shot that Marilyn informed Jim and Artie that she was the model on the box of the detergent Ivory Snow.  Jim and Artie took Ivory Snow's slogan of "99 and 44/100% pure" and ran with it like the P. T. Barnum's of Sleaze that they were destined to be.  The mainstreaming of smut was on it's merry way.

If you were not around during that time it's hard (sorry, again) to imagine how innocent all this stuff seems when you look back on it.  All it was, was sex.  Pretty regular kind of sex, as a matter of fact.  The kind of sex that most regular people do most of the time.  No internet, which gave rise (sorry, I've got to stop doing that) to every manner of pervo kink imaginable.  Nobody in those heady, bawdy days would think about making a film with people pissing and crapping on each other.  Or having men twist women's hair in a forced performance of mean-spirited, choking, slobbery face fucking.  Or the obligatory semi-sadistic backdoor slamming with a pinch of double penetration thrown in for good measure.  The whole business just getting soulless and mean.  (But then again, where would Tiger Woods learn to hone his technique?)

But I digress.  Back to Marilyn.  Despite attempts, she was unable to establish any kind of sustained career in mainstream (i.e; non-porn) films.  In a 2004 interview she advised, "My advice to somebody who wants to go into adult films is: Absolutely not!  It's heartbreaking.  It leaves you kind of empty.  So have a day job and don't quit it."

Something to think about for all the young girls who admire Jenna Jameson and wear t-shirts that say "Porn Star".

Marilyn Chambers died alone at her home in Santa Clarita, California.  Her body was discovered by her daughter.  The LA County Coroner determined cause of death to be cerebral hemorrhage and aneurysm related to heart disease.

She was the fire of many fantasies.  RIP.

So drunk the charge was Assault With A "Dead" Weapon.

Marium Varinauskas, 28, (try saying that 3 times real fast) is a Lithuanian guy.  That's sort of like Russian, isn't it?  He lives in Scotland.  That's basically Britain, right?  You know from bitter experience this story involves shit-faced drunky behavior, don't you?

Marium's girlfriend called the local constabulary to complain that her Lithuanian love boy was hammered in the extreme.  A lady copper dutifully shows up to counsel the couple, whereupon Marium stands up, whips out his willy, and thrusts it at the face of the copper-ette.  Only some deft movement on the part of the brave lass saved her from being poked by his pork pickle.  A spokesman described it as a "distasteful experience for the officer."  Imagine how distasteful it would have been had he hit his target. Eeeuuuwwwww!!!!

All was resolved when an "extremely embarrassed" Marium "apologized profusely" and was fined the equivalent of $900.  He has also promised to cut out the binge boozing.

Marium Varinauskas.
Even his head looks like a big penis. 

I'm struck by how this would be handled by an American policewoman as opposed to whatever kind of puffball training the Brits do.

First of all, over here can you call the police to complain that your significant other is three sheets to the wind?  God, if that were the case I would have had cops at my house almost daily in the swingin' 70's.  I would imagine if you did do that in most American cities they would say, "Call us back when he hits you."  Click.

Also, what cop goes to a house, finds a wasted, angry bum in his underpants, then joins him sitting down on the couch?  Oh, my.  How veddy, veddy non-confrontational, don't you know.  Shit.  In the good old USA Ms. "I Gotta Badge And Gun" would be standing over the liquor sponge with her hand on the taser.  Any attempt to whip out the worm would be met with 50,000 volts right in the old jizzer.

Someone is going to jail tonight.  Case closed.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

You call it a warning. I call it advertising.

Ahhhh.  The world's oldest profession.  Prostitution.  The concept of a willing seller, and a willing buyer reduced to its purest essence.  For as long as whoring has been around, there have been authoritarians that have tried to put the kibosh on the whole enterprise.  With pretty much zero success.

To that end along comes (tee hee) Giovanni Azzolini (I wonder if he's an "azz" man),  mayor of Mogliano in the Italian province of Treviso.  He's had signs put up to warn motorists about the local streetwalkers, whose scantily clad presence is adding to the accident rate in the area.  (If you can't avoid this area at least keep your eyes on the road, paisano!)  My guess would be that the signs will have the opposite effect.

He also wants the johns to know that some of ladies of the night may, in fact, be dudes of the night.  If you're not careful, you may end up blowing a trumpet, instead of boinking a strumpet, as it were.

If the mayor really wanted to warn you about the tranny whores, 
shouldn't there be a dick hanging below the skirt in the graphic?

Here in California we don't get signs letting us 
know where to go for a good time.
We get warned about not running over illegal aliens.
What's the fun in that? 

Spring is time for thoughts of graduation, the prom and...sluts!

This is what promsters looked like back in my day.
You wouldn't want to light a match around anybody's hair, 
and the demure gown was a challenge to remove 
once you wore down the girl's virtue.
(No easy task back in that more innocent era.)  

It seems to me that this story has been recycled every Spring for a few years now.  The forward march of Slut Nation continues apace and what better place to give it your full-on, Girls Gone Wild best effort than your once in a lifetime high school prom?  (I'm not trying to pick on the girls.  The country is being pushed over the cliff in equal measure by the young male population of Guidos and douchebags.  But, girls?  You s'posed to be better than us.)

No.  This is not Halloween. 
These are two actual "Guidos" in prom attire. 
The perfect arm candy for today's aspiring bimbo. 

It's gotten so bad that some schools are requiring the young "ladies" to submit a picture of their dress for pre-approval before the Big Night.  One would think that the holders of the pursestrings (otherwise known as parents) would be able to nip the skank gown in the bud, but no parent wants to play bad guy anymore, so there you have it.  (Believe me, I know how hard it is to stand up to a pissed off teenage girl.  I was terrible at it.)

These are two of the most sought after prom dresses this season. 
Can you imagine if Tiger Woods spotted 
a cocktail waitress in one of these?
She'd be "Ass up, clothes off, broke off, dozed off" 
before the night was half over.
Not with my daughter you don't, Tiger. 

One of the all-time classics.
Just 'cause Miss Teen Mom got a bun in the oven
don't mean she can't have a good time and look fine. 

Busty Claire and her Tits of Death.

From the always reliable and entertaining News of the World (UK)  Thanks, tbird.

Claire Smedley, 27,who holds the proud tittle (typo-but it stays) of being the second largest breasted woman in Britain, almost suffocated her hapless lover, Steven (no last name), during a vigorous bout of top heavy sex.  (Now we know what the woman that was killed by the whale at Sea World went through.)

Claire Smedley and her 40LL bazoos.  
I have a co-worker that would trade places 
with Steven in a heartbeat. 

On this particular occasion, knowing that Steven enjoyed being encased in a banquet of blubbery boob flesh, Claire mistook his fighting for air as a passionate response and re-doubled her efforts to give him mo'-mo'-mo' mammary. By the time Claire realized her horny hump mate wasn't moving she finally lifted her hefty hooters and found poor Steven heading into the big, white light.  (Huge smile on his face, I'm sure.)

God, however, had His own plan and kicked Steven and his boner down the chute and back to Earth.   Claire was greatly relieved when Steven finally came to coughing and sputtering.  Steven, for his part, describes his near death experience as "pretty hair raising."  Amen to that, Brother.  Although Steven survived the nearly fatal fuck session, alas, his relationship with Claire did not because according to her, "after that he went off sex."  Claire's sex drive is apparently as large as her bazongas, so I guess the search is on for a boob man with better survival skills.

According to the article, Claire will be putting her whimwhams in a wheelbarrow and peddling herself and her story for a bit of cheap fame.  Much to the chagrin of her proud parentals and her three soon headed to rehab children.

This is the Champ, Donna Jones, at 40M. 
Even though she's bigger than Claire, 
her tits haven't assaulted anyone yet.  

The most inappropriate T-shirt seen at a funeral so far this year.

Let's put aside for a moment that some people might think that any t-shirt is inappropriate funeral wear, because I can tell you that train left the station some time ago.

So...the frontrunner for 2010 is...

"Treat me like an angel, 
and I'll be your little devil"

Emblazoned with halo and pitchfork logo.  (Sorry, I couldn't find a downloadable graphic online.)

Oh, yeah, did I forget to mention it was a Catholic Funeral Mass?

Did I also forget to mention that the girl wearing this appeared to be about 12?

Thankfully, her mom drew the line on the lucite high heels.

Is this what you want some perv to be thinking about 
when he reads your daughter's t-shirt?
Jeez, Mom, get a fucking clue.