Sunday, July 26, 2009

Octomom + Jon & Kate = 22 kids headed for rehab.

Octomom: Crazy like a fecund fox or just shit nuts?

Ball busting bitch and pussy whipped loser in happier times.

This being the weekend I've been hitting the celebrity sites on the computer and perusing the gossip rags while Mrs. Funeral Guy unloads the cart at the market. (Hey...I helped fill it up!) The Gosselins seem to be winning most of the covers save one or two with that gay looking dude who's in some kind of teenage vampire movie or something. The Octomom scored big as a late entry on the gossip sites with the news that she has signed her kids into indentured servitude to some reality show to the tune of a quarter million bucks. Not surprising, since I assumed that was the plan for this balloon lipped Angelina Jolie wannabe famewhore since her litter was just a gleam in her eye. Hopefully, the California taxpayer will be the first in line with their hand out when the checks start coming.

Kate Gosselin, the harpy who makes every guy's penis retreat right up into his taint every time she opens her yap, has been keeping a somewhat low profile. The fun has been watching her sad sack doofus of a husband, Jon, chasing after young trim like a frat boy on spring break with an eight ball of coke and
a bottle of whiskey. Fame is a funny thing. You don't have to be the best looking guy in the world. You just have to be famous. But there is a hierarchy. Jeremy Piven (B-list movie actor) gets hot looking model types. Jon Gosselin (Z-list reality show person, soon to be saddled with child support payments the size of the national debt) gets this chick. Meet Hailey Glassman. As soon as she hooked up with the cut rate Valentino
pictures turned up on the internet of her smoking weed, bumping rails, skanking it up at boozy parties with bros and hos, and in one particular gem of a photo, passed out in a planter. The definition of a perfect stepmom-to-be.

After maybe having some second thoughts, Jon decided to step up a bit. This is Kate Major. I don't know about you, but I think she looks pretty good. But on the other hand is she something special? Average body from what I've seen but could probably lose a few pounds.

(I'm being extra picky here. Remember at some point this dude is going to get reamed like a new fish at Shawshank in his divorce from the ball breaker. If you're going to walk the plank at least make it worth your while) All I'm saying is you see girls walking down the street every day that are way better than this. Oh, and by the way, Kate was a reporter for the Star but was forced to resign because apparently even tabloids like the Star have rules about fucking the people that you're writing about. Nonplussed by this turn of events Kate has reportedly told friends that she doesn't really care because her main goal, like many of the Most Vacuous Generation, is that she just wants to be famous. This kind of celebrity might be cheap, but it still counts as the coin of the realm to the lazy and the untalented. And just to put one more dollop of icing on this sordid little cake there's a rumor that she used to be a call girl. (Maybe somebody can call former NY Governor Eliot Spitzer to confirm.) I bet you Kate G.'s lawyer is just salivating to put all this in front of a judge in Family Court.

Which brings us back to the kids. The cute little munchkins that are the source of fame and livelihood for both sets of these woefully dysfunctional parents. I know that child protective service agencies have taken some cautious toe-in-the-water looks at the pimping out of these kids for fame and money. But so far, to my knowledge, nothing has come of it and probably won't. If for no other reason that too many people are now making their living off the misery of these poor little tykes. Keep that in mind if your child ever gets taken away from you because he showed up for pre-school with a band aid on his forehead and the powers that be weren't satisfied with your explanation.

1 comment:

  1. That was a GREAT post!!! Words are not adequate to express my enjoyment. Thank you....