This and that.

Sorry about the light posting.  I have been tossed hither and yon like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz.  Except mine has been a tornado of death.  Some of 'em smelled really bad, looked really bad or were just very sad.  All in all a busy week.  Let's do some quick hits, shall we?

Do you have a "nose" for global warming advocacy?

If you needed any more evidence that the enviro-loons were paddling straight over the falls here's a story from from the UK (home of the highest crackpot to sane person ratio than anywhere else in the world).  Take a guess as to what they're citing now as a contributor to global warming.  Conservatives and their reproductive habits?  No...Sarah Palin?  No...It's cocaine snorting.

Oh, the humanity.  Stop the madness.

Does this new revelation make Lindsay Lohan

Public Enemy #1?

Yep, do a line.  A polar bears dies.  Try to follow this logic.  For every few lines that go up your nose four square meters of rain forest are sacrificed.  I mean for fucksy's sake.  Is this what they've sunk to now that the whole scam is falling apart?  Oh well, it just gives us sane folks one more hypocrisy snowball to throw at the sanctimonious private jet flying, mansion owning, huge carbon footprint musician/actor/celebrity complex.  Because after all, who goes through more blow than these assholes?

In more "everybody must get stoned" news.

Booze crazy ginger, Jason Botos, 

can't stay away from the hard stuff.

Just say...No thank you. 

Here is a guy that is so in love with the firewater that he can't even sober up for his DUI sentencing.  Jason Botos, a 30 year old whiskey sponge was driven to his court date by his dad.  When Jason proved to be too shitfaced to make into court, Pops Botos went to get some deputies to help him pour Jason out of the car.  The gendarmes were not as amused by this as I would have been and arrested Jason on the spot for failure to appear.  Once inside the courthouse the ginger-haired lush blew an astounding 0.43 BAC.  (Otherwise known as near death if you're a college freshman instead of a professional souse like Jason.)  So off to the hospital and then to the pokey for the degenerate dipsomaniac. His original DUI critically injured three people so I think it's safe to say that Jason has gone from being a funny drunk to problem drinker to total fucking menace.

Dude.  Can we all agree you've hit your bottom?  Get some help.

Meanwhile, the Saga of Tiger Woods never fails to entertain.

Radaronline is reporting that the hardest thing (tee hee) for Elin Nordegren to get over in the family reconciliation farce is the fact that The Woodster fucked himself a porn star.  Actually, Elin, that was two porn stars, but who's counting.  I'm sure the one she is referring to is none other than that shrinking violet Josyln James.  Referring to the porn star one source said that Elin, "Couldn't understand why he would do it.  She thinks it's sick."  If Elin thinks it's sick that may be part of the problem.  Perhaps Elin is a little unschooled about some of the little tricks that can keep a man's giggle stick around the home fire.  Just sayin'.

I can say one thing with complete certainty.  If Elin ever saw a compilation of some of Joslyn's work she would run screaming into the night, only to return after a full hazmat team spent a week cleaning the extreme biohazard that is Tiger Woods's cock and balls.  In an industry that is run on one upping the sleaze and skankitude, I dare say that Joslyn James is consistently without peer in raising the bar.  Hell, some of the stuff I've seen her do has made even me wince a little bit.  And I've seen everything.

Joslyn James. 

The undisputed skank queen 

of double (sometimes triple) penetration porn.

Well, if Elin is grossed out now wait till she gets a load of hubby's sexting messages to JJ that the home wrecking whore has posted on her website. (Mega-NSFW)  Here's a nice sample (Thanks Superficial):


Tiger:Sent: 03:32 PM 08/29/2009:
I have no idea. I would love to have the ability to make you sore
Tiger:Sent: 03:35 PM 08/29/2009:
In a week. I will try to wear you out
Tiger:Sent: 03:36 PM 08/29/2009:
After i cum you better start sucking my cock to get it hard
Tiger:Sent: 04"02 PM 08/29/2009:
I want to treat you rough. Throw you around, spank and slap you
Tiger:Sent: 04:06 PM 08/29/2009:
Slap your face. Treat you like a dirty little whore. Put my cock in your ass and then shove it down your throat
Tiger:Sent: 04:07 PM 08/29/2009:
You are my fucking whore
Tiger:Sent: 04:08 PM 08/29/2009:
Hold you down while i choke you and Fuck that ass that i own


If these text messages are for reals.  Tiger Woods has no business being married.  A guy that loves to get his freak on this much, is not a one woman man.  Even if he wasn't a famous gazillionaire.

In case you didn't know, other guys are fucking around on their wives.

Jesse James and Sandra Bullock.

You'd think she'd be hot enough for any guy.

Plus she has a shitload of money. 

I'm sure you've all heard by now that America's Sweetheart Sandra Bullock has cancelled her appearance at the British premiere of The Blind Side, for personal reasons.  Well, the reasons aren't so personal because everybody now knows that Sandra has hightailed it out of hearth and home and left hubby, West Coast Chopper founder, Jesse James, to stew in his own juices (so to speak).  Jesse's crime?  Dipping his wick into the strange (and I do mean strange) punani of some heavily tatted freakshow by the name of Michelle Bombshell.

Michelle "Bombshell" McGee.

A real crapshoot for AIDS and hepatitis with that many tats. 

Hope you used a rubber, Jesse.

(Ooops, rumor has it he didn't.)

Can you imagine what she'll look like at 60?

Before marrying Sandra, Jessie had an affinity for porn stars, even marrying smut queen Janine Lindemulder and making her great with child.  Trouble and custody disputes ensued.  No surprise there.

So Sandra Bullock marries a biker guy who has a reputation for banging (and marrying!!) porn sluts.  Hmmmm??  No red flags, eh Sandra?  ("I know I can change him."  Isn't that what they all say?)

Jesse has issued a public apology although it's a little murky as to what.  (Details please!!)  As I look into The Funeral Guy crystal ball I see....it's getting clearer....a swingin' bachelor pad with Jesse and Tiger.  Yowzer, don't come a-knockin' if these walls be a-rockin'.

At least nobody can tell this whatever to go fuck itself.

This had to happen sooner or later, I suppose.  Norrie May-Welby, 48, a severely confused Brit (and not from strong drink, surprisingly) has been designated officially as a "neuter".   Not a dude, not a chick, just a weirdo.

Norrie May-Welby.

Clearly an escapee from Area 51.

Norrie, (nice fucking name BTW) started male, then changed to female at 28.  Norrie got bored with that  (men are such shits, dearie) then, I'm guessing, sewed up the hole and called it a day.

If Norrie manages to find a couple of more like him her oh, what the fuck, whatever, I guarantee you they will start a lobbying group for neuter rights.

And this being Britain, they'll get them.

Android resembling Tiger Woods gives weird speech about something the earthlings call "sex addiction".

Tiger Woods (or the wooden indian they hired to play Tiger Woods) gave a totally pointless press conference Friday morning that by all accounts the entire world took time off to watch.  (Yours truly was out of town and had to catch the reruns.)   I particularly liked all the grim faced women in the front row.  How would you like to come home drunk a 3:00 in the morning to find one of those frowning battleaxes with a rolling pin in her hand?

There is really nothing much to say about the question-less press conference other than I don't think I've ever seen a dude more wanting to be somewhere else in my life.  I think it's beyond obvious that this was a Tiger Corporation ass-covering and an event to hopefully keep the gravy trains running on time.  Nike promptly accepted Tiger's apology, like that wasn't a done deal forgone conclusion.  The press reaction has been mixed to say the least.  Male sports pundits seem to want to put the whole thing away now, while the gyno-pundette sisterhood is still in unforgiving high dudgeon.

Me.  I just don't give a shit.  Golf is boring and I don't understand how anyone can watch it without a bong and an ounce of Turkish hashish.

But, skanks are ALWAYS interesting.  And they're especially interesting when they play the victim card.  First up we have Jamie Jungers.  You remember her.  Lingerie model, "escort" and all around party girl.  Jamie is now, apparently, a professional party girl who gets paid to host bacchanalias in Vegas and other Circles of Hell.  Well, Jamie wants everyone to know that she's "not a home wrecking whore" but thinks that Tiger should also apologize to her and the other mistresses too.  (Whom we'll assume are also not "home wrecking whores".)  Jamie, who wants to transition into modeling and acting also states that "I don't want to be known as Tiger Woods' mistress my whole life."  A little advice, my diminutive doxy?  The moment you are no longer known as Tiger Woods' mistress is the moment you will no longer be paid to host parties.  That seems like nice work if you can get it, so you might want to play this out for as long as you can before you have to start thinking about a real job.  Which for you I  assume will be either be $20.00 for a hand job or $50.00 for a blow job.

Jamie Jungers is living proof that the best way to apply makeup 

is with a paint gun and a putty knife.  

Such a natural beauty should have no problem

 finding actress/modeling work when her 15 minutes of fame

 as a home wrecking whore poor seduced victim 

of a sex addicted golfer is over. 

Photo chosen because The Funeral Guy always 

appreciates a demure panty flash along with an "O" face.  

But Jamie Jungers is stone cold boring compared to Veronica Siwick-Daniels which is the not-fucking-in-front-of-the-camera name of Joslyn James, porn star extraordinaire and another check mark on Tiger's sniz to-do list.  Joslyn (let's call her JJ for short) watched the Tiger embarrassment fest accompanied by her feminazi ambulance chasing lawyer, Gloria Allred and a room full of reporters.  After the no-apologies-to-the-home-wrecking-whore-constituency pseudo press conference, JJ cried tears as big as horse turds as Gloria went on and on about how Tiger professed undying love for his pneumatic
bobble-titted porn star, JJ.  Breaking her heart and getting her twice pregnant and boo hooo, men are such shits and you can't just use women and toss them away and more boo hoo hooooooo.  God....you'd have to have a heart of stone not to laugh.  (Thank you, Oscar Wilde.)   Anyway, this is clearly a play for the greenbacks and I think Gloria is making a mistake hitching her wagon to this particular (porn) star.  Even JJ's family thinks she's a lying strumpet and a sociopath.  Just to put more icing on this gooey cake, JJ's a deadbeat mom that's ten grand in arrears on her child support.  Nice.  Now there's a 10 year old son to go along with the rest of the proud as punch family.

The pregnancy angle is a particular howler.  Considering JJ's profession wouldn't that be a bit like loading a shotgun with the jism of a hundred men and blasting it up her porny poonanny and hoping the gazillionaire golfer goop is the one that sticks?

Real whore and famewhore.  Joslyn James and Gloria Allred. 

Gloria apparently told Joslyn to 
dress down for the news conference 

so JJ decided to look like Patty Hearst as a 

disguised 70's terrorist ready to rob a bank.  

This is Joslyn when she's not pretending to be some poor victim 

by the name of Veronica Siwick-Daniels.  It took me about 5 seconds of  Googling to find one of Joslyn's tamer scenes of interracial/triple penetration skankitude.  

To quote Mrs. Funeral Guy, 

"Yuck.  I'll never get that one out of my head." 

If you didn't see Hannity Friday night here's a snippet of the Battle of the Botoxed Lawyer Broads.  A real classic smackdown between Jeanine Pirro and Gloria Allred.   These two have so many chemicals in their faces that I'm sure that there must be a hazmat team standing by in case there's an explosion.  Jeanine is 58 years old and is pretty MILF-y.  Gloria is 68 and I suppose you could say she's a GILF but she's always wearing turtlenecks so you know that she's hiding some major turkey wattles underneath.



I'll have to give this one to Jeanine by a knockout.  Clearly, Gloria didn't have much to work with.  Even she must have had a hard time shoveling that bullshit with a straight face, but I suppose the fact that her face is unable to move helps somewhat.  It's kind of hard to make an argument that some man did your client wrong when she fucks strange dudes in front of a camera for a living.  That coupled with the fact that it wasn't exactly a secret that her "lover" Tiger Woods was married with kids.  Good try, though.

She's got a name and a picture so she gets added to the Tiger Woods sniz list.

Other sites have the tally at 11 (3 unidentifieds) while we have her as #8 because The Funeral Guy does not give credence to the "unidentifieds" and the "un-photographed".  Mainly because what's the fun in that?  If you want to make the list identify yourself and please supply the media a salacious picture.

Okey-dokey?  On with the show.  And heeeeeeeere she is.  IT'S ANOTHER PORN STAR!

Ladies and Gentlemen.  Meet Joslyn James.  My trusty search engines for these kinds of things shows me that Joslyn is pretty much an anything goes kind of gal.  Backdoor, DP's, interracial (duh!) the whole shebang (Tee hee).   She also has horrible tattoos and breast implants the size of dirigibles just like Holly Sampson.

Joslyn James. 

I wonder if Tiger got a spanking with that yardstick. 

Goodness knows he needs one. 

If all this is true (and the undentifieds become identified) I don't see how Tiger survives.  I don't mean his career, I mean his life.  The pancake house waitress, Whatshername, (who can even keep track anymore?) says that Bone Daddy Woods never ever- as in not even once- used a condom.  If that was the case with all these tramps then Tiger most likely has a virulent septic sewer in his pants.  If Elin decides to keep the mansion I know some good crime scene biohazard clean-up crews that should be able to get all the microbes and pathogens out of the house in about a month.

Octomom + Jon & Kate = 22 kids headed for rehab.

Octomom: Crazy like a fecund fox or just shit nuts?

Ball busting bitch and pussy whipped loser in happier times.

This being the weekend I've been hitting the celebrity sites on the computer and perusing the gossip rags while Mrs. Funeral Guy unloads the cart at the market. (Hey...I helped fill it up!) The Gosselins seem to be winning most of the covers save one or two with that gay looking dude who's in some kind of teenage vampire movie or something. The Octomom scored big as a late entry on the gossip sites with the news that she has signed her kids into indentured servitude to some reality show to the tune of a quarter million bucks. Not surprising, since I assumed that was the plan for this balloon lipped Angelina Jolie wannabe famewhore since her litter was just a gleam in her eye. Hopefully, the California taxpayer will be the first in line with their hand out when the checks start coming.

Kate Gosselin, the harpy who makes every guy's penis retreat right up into his taint every time she opens her yap, has been keeping a somewhat low profile. The fun has been watching her sad sack doofus of a husband, Jon, chasing after young trim like a frat boy on spring break with an eight ball of coke and

a bottle of whiskey. Fame is a funny thing. You don't have to be the best looking guy in the world. You just have to be famous. But there is a hierarchy. Jeremy Piven (B-list movie actor) gets hot looking model types. Jon Gosselin (Z-list reality show person, soon to be saddled with child support payments the size of the national debt) gets this chick. Meet Hailey Glassman. As soon as she hooked up with the cut rate Valentino

pictures turned up on the internet of her smoking weed, bumping rails, skanking it up at boozy parties with bros and hos, and in one particular gem of a photo, passed out in a planter. The definition of a perfect stepmom-to-be.

After maybe having some second thoughts, Jon decided to step up a bit. This is Kate Major. I don't know about you, but I think she looks pretty good. But on the other hand is she something special? Average body from what I've seen but could probably lose a few pounds.

(I'm being extra picky here. Remember at some point this dude is going to get reamed like a new fish at Shawshank in his divorce from the ball breaker. If you're going to walk the plank at least make it worth your while) All I'm saying is you see girls walking down the street every day that are way better than this. Oh, and by the way, Kate was a reporter for the Star but was forced to resign because apparently even tabloids like the Star have rules about fucking the people that you're writing about. Nonplussed by this turn of events Kate has reportedly told friends that she doesn't really care because her main goal, like many of the Most Vacuous Generation, is that she just wants to be famous. This kind of celebrity might be cheap, but it still counts as the coin of the realm to the lazy and the untalented. And just to put one more dollop of icing on this sordid little cake there's a rumor that she used to be a call girl. (Maybe somebody can call former NY Governor Eliot Spitzer to confirm.) I bet you Kate G.'s lawyer is just salivating to put all this in front of a judge in Family Court.

Which brings us back to the kids. The cute little munchkins that are the source of fame and livelihood for both sets of these woefully dysfunctional parents. I know that child protective service agencies have taken some cautious toe-in-the-water looks at the pimping out of these kids for fame and money. But so far, to my knowledge, nothing has come of it and probably won't. If for no other reason that too many people are now making their living off the misery of these poor little tykes. Keep that in mind if your child ever gets taken away from you because he showed up for pre-school with a band aid on his forehead and the powers that be weren't satisfied with your explanation.