Elin gives Tiger an ass reaming...and not in a good way.

Hell hath no fury...

Elin Nordegren might not be the world's best cocksucker if the small amount of time Tiger spent with her is any indication, but she sure as hell knows how to suck the cash out of a soon to be ex-husband.   750 million samollians.  That's how much Tiger will be paying for his freedom and the sound of silence.

And that means no books, no interviews, no nothing.  Even if Tiger dies first.  If she talks, the money's gone.  The reason the settlement is so high is that Tiger had more dough than Elin originally thought.  I mean the dude can shell out $750 million and still have enough to maintain a swinging lifestyle.  (You know he ain't giving that up.)  Fucking golf...I had no idea.

Elin gets custody of the chilluns, of course.  (Like Tiger needs those little balls and chains putting a crimp in his pussy hound shenanigans.)  The funniest part of the settlement is that none of Tiger's ladies can be anywhere around the kids.  I can just hear Elin in the settlement conference.  "No skank whores, porn stars or quote unquote cocktail waitressess around my kids.  This is non-negotiable.  I'm not going to be picking crabs, cooties or other DNA out of their hair after a weekend with dad.  Plus, I don't need little Charlie getting any ideas that the waitress at the pancake house is there to do anything more than bring him his eggy-wegs."

Tryouts are beginning around the country for girls 

hoping to hop on the Woodster's wood.

Some of the talents that will be evaluated include width of leg-spread, 

sucking a golf ball through a garden hose, and relaxed gag reflex.

Update: Reports are that the settlement is $100 million.  Not exactly 3/4 of a billion dollars, but a nice chunk of change nonetheless. 

A weekend hodgepodge of items.

Lots of crazy shit flying around the interwebs this week.  Let's catch up, shall we?

Tiger Woods takes "Love Thy Neighbor" a little too far.

If this latest tournament is any indication, The Woodster's game is going to Hell in a handbasket, undoubtably due to the splooge backup in his poor neglected testicles.  Imagine poor old Tiger approaching the ball, eyes unable to focus, sweaty hands shaking and knees all twitchy like a junkie in his second day of detox.

Or is he distracted by the latest story from the New York Post?  This one is about a woman that was rumored but now confirmed and apparently the babe that broke wife Elin's back, metaphorically speaking.

The National Enquirer has it that Tiger, the randy rehabber, had to write down a list of all his conquests as part of his therapy (No fapping allowed while doing so, OK, Mr. Woods?).  Since the number pegged the boink meter at 121 I'll assume that names weren't required.  A bass player and I did this once back in the day on a long road trip.  Names were impossible so descriptions, places and sex act details counted.  Proving beyond doubt that the reptilian part of the male brain can amazingly regurgitate this stuff like a computer in spite of near constant drug use.

But I digress.  Then The Woodster had to go through the list with Elin during "family week".  (God, how creepy must that be?  I could see sitting around in normal rehab talking about nodding off with a needle in your arm or throwing up on your kid, but having to go into detail to your wife about a pancake waitress polishing your knob in a parking lot seems way skeevy, but maybe that's just me.)

Anyhoodle.  Elin was furious about the fact that her horny hubby, in addition to the now familiar  strumpets, skanks and sleazebags, had a one-nighter with the neighbor's sweet little daughter, Raychel Coudriet.  The whole thing is pretty sordid even for a jaded old fuck like me.  Tiger had been eyeing the nubile coed for some time, even inviting her to go golfing and joking about her "washing his balls".  I guess when you're rich and famous you don't necessarily have to be a smooth operator.   Well, one thing leads to another, and eventually Raychel finds herself in the now infamous office with the licentious lothario of the links with her toes pointed at the ceiling.  (Damn, that home office of his has seen more action than Omaha Beach on D-Day.)  According to a source Raychel felt a little guilty when she looked over to see a baby crib in the room.  Although not enough to dampen the mood or the libido on this particular night it seems.  Tiger wanted to keep things going and invited Raychel to fly with him to Michigan for some Ambien sex.  (Michigan travel slogan: Come for the unemployment...Stay for the Ambien Sex!!)   Unfortunately for The Woodster, Raychel's moral compass finally kicked in and she refused the offer even after being left romantic sext messages such as, "Are you touching yourself?" and "I want to fuck you."  Raychel must have a heart of stone.  What young girl could resist sweet talk like that?

Raychel Coudriet. 

Tiger's taste in the ladies never fails to impress. 

After the scandal shit hit the fan you can imagine that Raychel felt just a tad cheap.  She being all young and innocent and not a professional party girl, stripper, cocktail waitress or porn whore.  "I felt used and violated" she blubbered, "Like I meant nothing to him but a night of casual sex.  I just wanted to dig a big hole, crawl in and die."  (Well, technically, Raychel, he did want to fly you to Michigan for an upgrade to casual Ambien sex.)

Our plucky and now chastened lass had her chance to confront Tiger while back from college during spring break.  "I feel extremely violated by what you did to me!"  Raychel reportedly told Mr. Hump 'n' Dump.  All Tiger could say was, "Sorry about that."

Which is the fuck-anything-with-a-pussy golfer equivalent of "You might want to put some ice on that."

...And speaking of Forbidden Love.

Some of my readers may be a little sheltered (especially you ladies) so here is a little clue about men.  Name anything in this big, wide, wonderful world of ours and you can be sure as shootin' there is some guy somewhere that will look at it and start rubbing himself.  Shoes, rocks, dolphins, you name it, some dude is horny for it.

Hence...Granny Porn.  Yes, it means exactly what is says.

Herein lies the tale of 72 year old Pearl Carter.  Now Pearl doesn't do Granny Porn (as far as I know) but she does have a 26 year old lover by the name of Phil Bailey.  OK... that's a little off the charts but as Woody Allen famously said "The heart wants what the heart wants."  Woody Allen said this as his affair with the much younger adopted daughter of his partner Mia Farrow came to light.  Good example, only Pearl and Phil are even more stomach churning.

Phil Bailey finds the one woman he'll never lose to Tiger Woods. 

Phil, you see, is the natural blood grandson of Pearl.  Yes...not only is 26 year old Phil fucking a 72 year old woman.  He's fucking his 72 year old grandmother.  (And no jokes about Pearl necklaces please.  Isn't this story bad enough?)   Pearl then proceeds to tell us that it's been years since she's felt so "sexually alive".  I know at this point you have your fingers in your ears and are running from the room going lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala!!!!!  Well, come back, because it gets even better.  Pearl has borrowed $54,000 from her pension to pay a surrogate so they can have a child together.  Pearl's own eggs having turned to dust long, long ago.

Pearl is trying to justify that this isn't totally fucking shit weird by saying a friend told her about Genetic Sexual Attraction syndrome.  This is supposedly where people that share the same DNA can meet later in life and have an instant sexual attraction.  Alright...but if you find out you're closely related wouldn't you say, "Goddam.  That sure was a close one.  I guess I'll be moving on now."  YOU DON'T HAVE SEX WITH YOUR GRANDSON...DOES THIS REALLY EVEN NEED TO BE SAID???!!!!  Apparently so.

Maybe if they can find a Justice of the Peace on Tobacco Road crazy enough to perform a marriage ceremony.  Jethro and Ellie Mae will stand up for them while the cross-eyed kid from Deliverance provides the music.

Mr. Ed and My Dog Skip have referred all inquiries to their attorneys...

Grandma-Grandson incest not your cup of tea?  I can understand that.  So here's a story from Pennsylvania about a woman who sounds open to just about anything.

State police have charged Dovie Lee Kerner (great name, by the way), 46, with having sex with a horse.  Ouch!!  Strangely enough, horse diddling isn't as rare as you think.  TFG did posts on it here and here.  Dovie, however, doesn't discriminate when it comes to species.  In addition to equine, she's also been accused of going canine and porcine.  That's horsies, doggies and piggies for those of you who didn't have friends in 4-H club.

The "tail" (tee hee) doesn't end there though.  Dovie, who by all accounts will fuck anything that takes a breath, was turned in by her male human sex partner after she gave venereal diseases to him and his Jack Russell terrier.  I guess they were out of Trojan Magnum condoms for the horse, "kiddie" condoms for the dog, and nobody's ever thought to make corkscrew rubbers for pigs.

For the first time Mr. Ed ain't talkin'.

He enjoyed his visits with Dovie.  

My Dog Skip is dog tired after 

  Dovie gave him a howlin' good time. 

In other bestiality news.  Florida, the state where the bizarre is considered too tame to be normal, they may be finally getting around to outlawing human/animal lovin'.  (Making children disappear and meth lab explosions will remain legal for the foreseeable future.)  The move to finally criminalize bestiality followed stories of a blind man boning his seeing eye dog and a series of goat rapes.

Only in Florida.

Speaking of Florida.  This is a Florida kinda' story.  Only it's China.

A 59 year old chef was drinking with his buddies when he passed out.  "Hahahaha...lookee there at "Chang"...he really fucked up...let's draw a beard on his face with Sharpee."  "No, no, no...I got a better idea."

And there begins the tragedy, folks.  "Chang" (victim is unnamed in the story so I came up with "Chang" off the top of my head.) was taken sometime later to the hospital in great pain and a bleeding anus.  After exploratory surgery doctors discovered a 50 cm long Asian swamp eel that "Chang's" pals had playfully lodged up his butt.  (My researcher, Lexxie, informs me that 50 cm is about 20 inches.)  The eel had no way out and probably got pretty hungry to boot so it ate through "Chang's" intestines causing major damage and infection.  "Chang" lasted 10 days before mercifully expiring.  Police are launching an investigation.

This a an Asian swamp eel, not a fucking gerbil, people.

Be safe and know which animals enjoy butt sex. Sheesh!

You Chinese guys may not have gotten the word.  Drunken ass play with an eel is stupid and dangerous.  It is also really, really gay.  Don't do it.

Women want to be jackhammered for 2 hours, followed by 4 hours of "cuddle time".  

There's an old joke:
What do you have to do to give a woman an orgasm?
Answer.  Who cares?

But hey.  We know that's not really funny.  Your woman may not say it but she expects magic and lots of it!!  Coming soon to the United Kingdom is a drug for men that are...shall we say?...a little quick on the trigger.  It's called Priligy and it will cost the guy that just can't help going hump-hump-hump...ahhhhhhhhh!!!  £25 a pop (tee hee) for the thrill of a longer ride.  (That's 38 dollars American.)  It may well be worth it if your girl is constantly saying, "It's okay....(sigh)".  But for that kind of money you just might want to box your goofy an hour or so before sexy time.   I also hear that double bagging with an extra rubber is pretty pleasure diminishing.  Or you could always try putting some cocaine on your cock helmet.

So let's say by virtue of Priligy, blow or a tight rubber band around the base of your wingwang you've given your chick a shagging for the ages.  You're lying there with your arms  folded behind your head and you're feeling like a combination of Conan and Spartucus.  All of a sudden your Lady Lovely leans over and sprays some shit up your nose.  It's called oxytocin and it can make a man more empathetic and more in tune with his feelings.  It's been nicknamed the "cuddle chemical" which is all any guy needs to know.

Woman: "Mmmmm...this is soooo nice."

Man (thinking): I'm burning up, 

her hair is tickling my nose and 

my fucking arm is KILLING me. 

For fucksy sake!  What mad female scientist came up with this brilliant idea?  This is what the world needs now in a time of war and uncertainty?  A chemical that will make men weep while watching The Notebook and causes their nipples to drip milk when a baby cries?  It's like a fucking Oprah episode in a convenient spray.  Shit, fire and damnation.

If this becomes the way of the future you can forget the oxytocin.  I'll take some oxycontin.  A whole fucking handful of it, please.  See 'ya folks, I'm outta here.

This and that.

Sorry about the light posting.  I have been tossed hither and yon like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz.  Except mine has been a tornado of death.  Some of 'em smelled really bad, looked really bad or were just very sad.  All in all a busy week.  Let's do some quick hits, shall we?

Do you have a "nose" for global warming advocacy?

If you needed any more evidence that the enviro-loons were paddling straight over the falls here's a story from from the UK (home of the highest crackpot to sane person ratio than anywhere else in the world).  Take a guess as to what they're citing now as a contributor to global warming.  Conservatives and their reproductive habits?  No...Sarah Palin?  No...It's cocaine snorting.

Oh, the humanity.  Stop the madness.

Does this new revelation make Lindsay Lohan

Public Enemy #1?

Yep, do a line.  A polar bears dies.  Try to follow this logic.  For every few lines that go up your nose four square meters of rain forest are sacrificed.  I mean for fucksy's sake.  Is this what they've sunk to now that the whole scam is falling apart?  Oh well, it just gives us sane folks one more hypocrisy snowball to throw at the sanctimonious private jet flying, mansion owning, huge carbon footprint musician/actor/celebrity complex.  Because after all, who goes through more blow than these assholes?

In more "everybody must get stoned" news.

Booze crazy ginger, Jason Botos, 

can't stay away from the hard stuff.

Just say...No thank you. 

Here is a guy that is so in love with the firewater that he can't even sober up for his DUI sentencing.  Jason Botos, a 30 year old whiskey sponge was driven to his court date by his dad.  When Jason proved to be too shitfaced to make into court, Pops Botos went to get some deputies to help him pour Jason out of the car.  The gendarmes were not as amused by this as I would have been and arrested Jason on the spot for failure to appear.  Once inside the courthouse the ginger-haired lush blew an astounding 0.43 BAC.  (Otherwise known as near death if you're a college freshman instead of a professional souse like Jason.)  So off to the hospital and then to the pokey for the degenerate dipsomaniac. His original DUI critically injured three people so I think it's safe to say that Jason has gone from being a funny drunk to problem drinker to total fucking menace.

Dude.  Can we all agree you've hit your bottom?  Get some help.

Meanwhile, the Saga of Tiger Woods never fails to entertain.

Radaronline is reporting that the hardest thing (tee hee) for Elin Nordegren to get over in the family reconciliation farce is the fact that The Woodster fucked himself a porn star.  Actually, Elin, that was two porn stars, but who's counting.  I'm sure the one she is referring to is none other than that shrinking violet Josyln James.  Referring to the porn star one source said that Elin, "Couldn't understand why he would do it.  She thinks it's sick."  If Elin thinks it's sick that may be part of the problem.  Perhaps Elin is a little unschooled about some of the little tricks that can keep a man's giggle stick around the home fire.  Just sayin'.

I can say one thing with complete certainty.  If Elin ever saw a compilation of some of Joslyn's work she would run screaming into the night, only to return after a full hazmat team spent a week cleaning the extreme biohazard that is Tiger Woods's cock and balls.  In an industry that is run on one upping the sleaze and skankitude, I dare say that Joslyn James is consistently without peer in raising the bar.  Hell, some of the stuff I've seen her do has made even me wince a little bit.  And I've seen everything.

Joslyn James. 

The undisputed skank queen 

of double (sometimes triple) penetration porn.

Well, if Elin is grossed out now wait till she gets a load of hubby's sexting messages to JJ that the home wrecking whore has posted on her website. (Mega-NSFW)  Here's a nice sample (Thanks Superficial):


Tiger:Sent: 03:32 PM 08/29/2009:
I have no idea. I would love to have the ability to make you sore
Tiger:Sent: 03:35 PM 08/29/2009:
In a week. I will try to wear you out
Tiger:Sent: 03:36 PM 08/29/2009:
After i cum you better start sucking my cock to get it hard
Tiger:Sent: 04"02 PM 08/29/2009:
I want to treat you rough. Throw you around, spank and slap you
Tiger:Sent: 04:06 PM 08/29/2009:
Slap your face. Treat you like a dirty little whore. Put my cock in your ass and then shove it down your throat
Tiger:Sent: 04:07 PM 08/29/2009:
You are my fucking whore
Tiger:Sent: 04:08 PM 08/29/2009:
Hold you down while i choke you and Fuck that ass that i own


If these text messages are for reals.  Tiger Woods has no business being married.  A guy that loves to get his freak on this much, is not a one woman man.  Even if he wasn't a famous gazillionaire.

In case you didn't know, other guys are fucking around on their wives.

Jesse James and Sandra Bullock.

You'd think she'd be hot enough for any guy.

Plus she has a shitload of money. 

I'm sure you've all heard by now that America's Sweetheart Sandra Bullock has cancelled her appearance at the British premiere of The Blind Side, for personal reasons.  Well, the reasons aren't so personal because everybody now knows that Sandra has hightailed it out of hearth and home and left hubby, West Coast Chopper founder, Jesse James, to stew in his own juices (so to speak).  Jesse's crime?  Dipping his wick into the strange (and I do mean strange) punani of some heavily tatted freakshow by the name of Michelle Bombshell.

Michelle "Bombshell" McGee.

A real crapshoot for AIDS and hepatitis with that many tats. 

Hope you used a rubber, Jesse.

(Ooops, rumor has it he didn't.)

Can you imagine what she'll look like at 60?

Before marrying Sandra, Jessie had an affinity for porn stars, even marrying smut queen Janine Lindemulder and making her great with child.  Trouble and custody disputes ensued.  No surprise there.

So Sandra Bullock marries a biker guy who has a reputation for banging (and marrying!!) porn sluts.  Hmmmm??  No red flags, eh Sandra?  ("I know I can change him."  Isn't that what they all say?)

Jesse has issued a public apology although it's a little murky as to what.  (Details please!!)  As I look into The Funeral Guy crystal ball I see....it's getting clearer....a swingin' bachelor pad with Jesse and Tiger.  Yowzer, don't come a-knockin' if these walls be a-rockin'.

At least nobody can tell this whatever to go fuck itself.

This had to happen sooner or later, I suppose.  Norrie May-Welby, 48, a severely confused Brit (and not from strong drink, surprisingly) has been designated officially as a "neuter".   Not a dude, not a chick, just a weirdo.

Norrie May-Welby.

Clearly an escapee from Area 51.

Norrie, (nice fucking name BTW) started male, then changed to female at 28.  Norrie got bored with that  (men are such shits, dearie) then, I'm guessing, sewed up the hole and called it a day.

If Norrie manages to find a couple of more like him her oh, what the fuck, whatever, I guarantee you they will start a lobbying group for neuter rights.

And this being Britain, they'll get them.

Android resembling Tiger Woods gives weird speech about something the earthlings call "sex addiction".

Tiger Woods (or the wooden indian they hired to play Tiger Woods) gave a totally pointless press conference Friday morning that by all accounts the entire world took time off to watch.  (Yours truly was out of town and had to catch the reruns.)   I particularly liked all the grim faced women in the front row.  How would you like to come home drunk a 3:00 in the morning to find one of those frowning battleaxes with a rolling pin in her hand?

There is really nothing much to say about the question-less press conference other than I don't think I've ever seen a dude more wanting to be somewhere else in my life.  I think it's beyond obvious that this was a Tiger Corporation ass-covering and an event to hopefully keep the gravy trains running on time.  Nike promptly accepted Tiger's apology, like that wasn't a done deal forgone conclusion.  The press reaction has been mixed to say the least.  Male sports pundits seem to want to put the whole thing away now, while the gyno-pundette sisterhood is still in unforgiving high dudgeon.

Me.  I just don't give a shit.  Golf is boring and I don't understand how anyone can watch it without a bong and an ounce of Turkish hashish.

But, skanks are ALWAYS interesting.  And they're especially interesting when they play the victim card.  First up we have Jamie Jungers.  You remember her.  Lingerie model, "escort" and all around party girl.  Jamie is now, apparently, a professional party girl who gets paid to host bacchanalias in Vegas and other Circles of Hell.  Well, Jamie wants everyone to know that she's "not a home wrecking whore" but thinks that Tiger should also apologize to her and the other mistresses too.  (Whom we'll assume are also not "home wrecking whores".)  Jamie, who wants to transition into modeling and acting also states that "I don't want to be known as Tiger Woods' mistress my whole life."  A little advice, my diminutive doxy?  The moment you are no longer known as Tiger Woods' mistress is the moment you will no longer be paid to host parties.  That seems like nice work if you can get it, so you might want to play this out for as long as you can before you have to start thinking about a real job.  Which for you I  assume will be either be $20.00 for a hand job or $50.00 for a blow job.

Jamie Jungers is living proof that the best way to apply makeup 

is with a paint gun and a putty knife.  

Such a natural beauty should have no problem

 finding actress/modeling work when her 15 minutes of fame

 as a home wrecking whore poor seduced victim 

of a sex addicted golfer is over. 

Photo chosen because The Funeral Guy always 

appreciates a demure panty flash along with an "O" face.  

But Jamie Jungers is stone cold boring compared to Veronica Siwick-Daniels which is the not-fucking-in-front-of-the-camera name of Joslyn James, porn star extraordinaire and another check mark on Tiger's sniz to-do list.  Joslyn (let's call her JJ for short) watched the Tiger embarrassment fest accompanied by her feminazi ambulance chasing lawyer, Gloria Allred and a room full of reporters.  After the no-apologies-to-the-home-wrecking-whore-constituency pseudo press conference, JJ cried tears as big as horse turds as Gloria went on and on about how Tiger professed undying love for his pneumatic
bobble-titted porn star, JJ.  Breaking her heart and getting her twice pregnant and boo hooo, men are such shits and you can't just use women and toss them away and more boo hoo hooooooo.  God....you'd have to have a heart of stone not to laugh.  (Thank you, Oscar Wilde.)   Anyway, this is clearly a play for the greenbacks and I think Gloria is making a mistake hitching her wagon to this particular (porn) star.  Even JJ's family thinks she's a lying strumpet and a sociopath.  Just to put more icing on this gooey cake, JJ's a deadbeat mom that's ten grand in arrears on her child support.  Nice.  Now there's a 10 year old son to go along with the rest of the proud as punch family.

The pregnancy angle is a particular howler.  Considering JJ's profession wouldn't that be a bit like loading a shotgun with the jism of a hundred men and blasting it up her porny poonanny and hoping the gazillionaire golfer goop is the one that sticks?

Real whore and famewhore.  Joslyn James and Gloria Allred. 

Gloria apparently told Joslyn to 
dress down for the news conference 

so JJ decided to look like Patty Hearst as a 

disguised 70's terrorist ready to rob a bank.  

This is Joslyn when she's not pretending to be some poor victim 

by the name of Veronica Siwick-Daniels.  It took me about 5 seconds of  Googling to find one of Joslyn's tamer scenes of interracial/triple penetration skankitude.  

To quote Mrs. Funeral Guy, 

"Yuck.  I'll never get that one out of my head." 

If you didn't see Hannity Friday night here's a snippet of the Battle of the Botoxed Lawyer Broads.  A real classic smackdown between Jeanine Pirro and Gloria Allred.   These two have so many chemicals in their faces that I'm sure that there must be a hazmat team standing by in case there's an explosion.  Jeanine is 58 years old and is pretty MILF-y.  Gloria is 68 and I suppose you could say she's a GILF but she's always wearing turtlenecks so you know that she's hiding some major turkey wattles underneath.



I'll have to give this one to Jeanine by a knockout.  Clearly, Gloria didn't have much to work with.  Even she must have had a hard time shoveling that bullshit with a straight face, but I suppose the fact that her face is unable to move helps somewhat.  It's kind of hard to make an argument that some man did your client wrong when she fucks strange dudes in front of a camera for a living.  That coupled with the fact that it wasn't exactly a secret that her "lover" Tiger Woods was married with kids.  Good try, though.

Brit tattoo artist gives multi-millionaire golf champ a run for his money.

The headline in the UK Sun says it all.

I bonked a town.

That would be exhausting for any man.  Unless, of course, that man was a SEX ADDICT!!!!!  Danny James, 27, fucked more than 500 chicks in his town of Lytham St. Annes, Lancashire.   Then when Danny played out all the local poon, he spent a small fortune on taxis so he could troll for trollops in the surrounding areas.  "People treat it like a joke, but it's a real problem." Danny whined.   Shut your gob, horndog.  That's not a problem, that's a career.  Luckily Danny found help with therapist Steven Pope, who also had a female patient that serviced 127 male partners in six months.  I don't know why the therapist didn't just introduce Danny to the female patient.  They could have put an order for a lifetime supply of Astro Glide out for bids.

Not Danny James. 

Just a picture of a skeevy pervert desperately seeking nooky 

that I got from the internet.

Wait a minute.  Stop the presses.  I just got an email from my fact checker, Lexxie.  By god, you're right, Lexxie, my dear.  Excellent  job.  I'll have a little something extra for you come payday.

Hold on, UK Sun.  Hold on, Danny James.  We bloggers are the truth cops of the interwebs, don't you know.  Nothing gets past us.  Lexxie has done a little Googling and I think you have some explaining to do.  According to the 2001 census, the population of Lytham St. Annes was 41,330 people.  Of these, 22,000 were female.  So a little over 500 individual acts of fornication with different women accounts for approximately only 2.3% of the gyno-townsfolk.  I'll grant you that's a good amount of bonking.  But the bonking of a whole town?  I don't think so.

Tiger Woods.  The trophy stays with you.

Tiger Woods. Looks like it's gonna be a blue, blue Christmas.

Now that the tsunami of tramps has slowed to a babbling bimbo brook, we can now condense our extensive Tiger coverage as events warrant.

Tiger's Cougar.

Get a load of this one.  (We only need a few more hussies to come forward and we'll have a complete round of 18 holes.)  Theresa Rogers, 48, claims she taught Tiger everything he knows about how to please the ladies.  By the looks of her I'm guessing she taught a young Arnold Palmer the same things.

For you youngsters that may not be aware

this is what porn stars from the 80's looked like.

Hitting Golf Balls at Night.

Tiger Woods shown holding the actual house where

 he'll be living after his wife, Elin, takes him to the cleaners. 

We're starting to hear sad tales of Tiger Woods sitting around watching cartoons and eating cereal, just like any other bum whose wife has left him.  Except he's got a gazillion dollars and is watching cartoons on a 25 foot TV and eating gold plated cereal with diamond clusters.  Then when things get too lonely and depressing he reportedly heads out to hit some golf balls in the dark of night.  In other words, finally doing what he probably told his wife he was doing when he was actually out banging whores.

 Tiger waving to his fans.

Jaimee Grubbs files for an extension of her 15 minutes.


Jaimee Grubbs, the most unfortunately named floozy in Tiger's Poon Parade, will be baring (almost) all in the pages of Maxim magazine.  Wowee, Jaimee Grubbs in her bra and panties.  Since we've already seen her in 4000 bikini poses this should be a big yawn.  For those of you not in the know, Maxim considers itself a higher shelf stroke book because the women don't show cooch or nipples and it has articles.  Or as men call it.  Boring.

 Jaimee Grubbs who is not going to show us anything 

we haven't seen a million times by now.

Gee, ya hate to kick a guy while he's down, but...

This is pretty funny and I'm sure it's just going to be part of the avalanche.

She's got a name and a picture so she gets added to the Tiger Woods sniz list.

Other sites have the tally at 11 (3 unidentifieds) while we have her as #8 because The Funeral Guy does not give credence to the "unidentifieds" and the "un-photographed".  Mainly because what's the fun in that?  If you want to make the list identify yourself and please supply the media a salacious picture.

Okey-dokey?  On with the show.  And heeeeeeeere she is.  IT'S ANOTHER PORN STAR!

Ladies and Gentlemen.  Meet Joslyn James.  My trusty search engines for these kinds of things shows me that Joslyn is pretty much an anything goes kind of gal.  Backdoor, DP's, interracial (duh!) the whole shebang (Tee hee).   She also has horrible tattoos and breast implants the size of dirigibles just like Holly Sampson.

Joslyn James. 

I wonder if Tiger got a spanking with that yardstick. 

Goodness knows he needs one. 

If all this is true (and the undentifieds become identified) I don't see how Tiger survives.  I don't mean his career, I mean his life.  The pancake house waitress, Whatshername, (who can even keep track anymore?) says that Bone Daddy Woods never ever- as in not even once- used a condom.  If that was the case with all these tramps then Tiger most likely has a virulent septic sewer in his pants.  If Elin decides to keep the mansion I know some good crime scene biohazard clean-up crews that should be able to get all the microbes and pathogens out of the house in about a month.