Lots of crazy shit flying around the interwebs this week. Let's catch up, shall we?
Tiger Woods takes "Love Thy Neighbor" a little too far.
If this latest tournament is any indication, The Woodster's game is going to Hell in a handbasket, undoubtably due to the splooge backup in his poor neglected testicles. Imagine poor old Tiger approaching the ball, eyes unable to focus, sweaty hands shaking and knees all twitchy like a junkie in his second day of detox.
Or is he distracted by the latest story from the New York Post? This one is about a woman that was rumored but now confirmed and apparently the babe that broke wife Elin's back, metaphorically speaking.
The National Enquirer has it that Tiger, the randy rehabber, had to write down a list of all his conquests as part of his therapy (No fapping allowed while doing so, OK, Mr. Woods?). Since the number pegged the boink meter at 121 I'll assume that names weren't required. A bass player and I did this once back in the day on a long road trip. Names were impossible so descriptions, places and sex act details counted. Proving beyond doubt that the reptilian part of the male brain can amazingly regurgitate this stuff like a computer in spite of near constant drug use.
But I digress. Then The Woodster had to go through the list with Elin during "family week". (God, how creepy must that be? I could see sitting around in normal rehab talking about nodding off with a needle in your arm or throwing up on your kid, but having to go into detail to your wife about a pancake waitress polishing your knob in a parking lot seems way skeevy, but maybe that's just me.)
Anyhoodle. Elin was furious about the fact that her horny hubby, in addition to the now familiar strumpets, skanks and sleazebags, had a one-nighter with the neighbor's sweet little daughter, Raychel Coudriet. The whole thing is pretty sordid even for a jaded old fuck like me. Tiger had been eyeing the nubile coed for some time, even inviting her to go golfing and joking about her "washing his balls". I guess when you're rich and famous you don't necessarily have to be a smooth operator. Well, one thing leads to another, and eventually Raychel finds herself in the now infamous office with the licentious lothario of the links with her toes pointed at the ceiling. (Damn, that home office of his has seen more action than Omaha Beach on D-Day.) According to a source Raychel felt a little guilty when she looked over to see a baby crib in the room. Although not enough to dampen the mood or the libido on this particular night it seems. Tiger wanted to keep things going and invited Raychel to fly with him to Michigan for some Ambien sex. (Michigan travel slogan: Come for the unemployment...Stay for the Ambien Sex!!) Unfortunately for The Woodster, Raychel's moral compass finally kicked in and she refused the offer even after being left romantic sext messages such as, "Are you touching yourself?" and "I want to fuck you." Raychel must have a heart of stone. What young girl could resist sweet talk like that?
Tiger's taste in the ladies never fails to impress.
After the scandal shit hit the fan you can imagine that Raychel felt just a tad cheap. She being all young and innocent and not a professional party girl, stripper, cocktail waitress or porn whore. "I felt used and violated" she blubbered, "Like I meant nothing to him but a night of casual sex. I just wanted to dig a big hole, crawl in and die." (Well, technically, Raychel, he did want to fly you to Michigan for an upgrade to casual Ambien sex.)
Our plucky and now chastened lass had her chance to confront Tiger while back from college during spring break. "I feel extremely violated by what you did to me!" Raychel reportedly told Mr. Hump 'n' Dump. All Tiger could say was, "Sorry about that."
Which is the fuck-anything-with-a-pussy golfer equivalent of "You might want to put some ice on that."
...And speaking of Forbidden Love.
Some of my readers may be a little sheltered (especially you ladies) so here is a little clue about men. Name anything in this big, wide, wonderful world of ours and you can be sure as shootin' there is some guy somewhere that will look at it and start rubbing himself. Shoes, rocks, dolphins, you name it, some dude is horny for it.
Hence...Granny Porn. Yes, it means exactly what is says.
Herein lies the tale of 72 year old Pearl Carter. Now Pearl doesn't do Granny Porn (as far as I know) but she does have a 26 year old lover by the name of Phil Bailey. OK... that's a little off the charts but as Woody Allen famously said "The heart wants what the heart wants." Woody Allen said this as his affair with the much younger adopted daughter of his partner Mia Farrow came to light. Good example, only Pearl and Phil are even more stomach churning.
Phil Bailey finds the one woman he'll never lose to Tiger Woods.
Phil, you see, is the natural blood grandson of Pearl. Yes...not only is 26 year old Phil fucking a 72 year old woman. He's fucking his 72 year old grandmother. (And no jokes about Pearl necklaces please. Isn't this story bad enough?) Pearl then proceeds to tell us that it's been years since she's felt so "sexually alive". I know at this point you have your fingers in your ears and are running from the room going lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala!!!!! Well, come back, because it gets even better. Pearl has borrowed $54,000 from her pension to pay a surrogate so they can have a child together. Pearl's own eggs having turned to dust long, long ago.
Pearl is trying to justify that this isn't totally fucking shit weird by saying a friend told her about Genetic Sexual Attraction syndrome. This is supposedly where people that share the same DNA can meet later in life and have an instant sexual attraction. Alright...but if you find out you're closely related wouldn't you say, "Goddam. That sure was a close one. I guess I'll be moving on now." YOU DON'T HAVE SEX WITH YOUR GRANDSON...DOES THIS REALLY EVEN NEED TO BE SAID???!!!! Apparently so.
Maybe if they can find a Justice of the Peace on Tobacco Road crazy enough to perform a marriage ceremony. Jethro and Ellie Mae will stand up for them while the cross-eyed kid from Deliverance provides the music.
Mr. Ed and My Dog Skip have referred all inquiries to their attorneys...
Grandma-Grandson incest not your cup of tea? I can understand that. So here's a story from Pennsylvania about a woman who sounds open to just about anything.
State police have charged Dovie Lee Kerner (great name, by the way), 46, with having sex with a horse. Ouch!! Strangely enough, horse diddling isn't as rare as you think. TFG did posts on it here and here. Dovie, however, doesn't discriminate when it comes to species. In addition to equine, she's also been accused of going canine and porcine. That's horsies, doggies and piggies for those of you who didn't have friends in 4-H club.
The "tail" (tee hee) doesn't end there though. Dovie, who by all accounts will fuck anything that takes a breath, was turned in by her male human sex partner after she gave venereal diseases to him and his Jack Russell terrier. I guess they were out of Trojan Magnum condoms for the horse, "kiddie" condoms for the dog, and nobody's ever thought to make corkscrew rubbers for pigs.
For the first time Mr. Ed ain't talkin'.
He enjoyed his visits with Dovie.
My Dog Skip is dog tired after
Dovie gave him a howlin' good time.
In other bestiality news. Florida, the state where the bizarre is considered too tame to be normal, they may be finally getting around to outlawing human/animal lovin'. (Making children disappear and meth lab explosions will remain legal for the foreseeable future.) The move to finally criminalize bestiality followed stories of a blind man boning his seeing eye dog and a series of goat rapes.
Only in Florida.
Speaking of Florida. This is a Florida kinda' story. Only it's China.
A 59 year old chef was drinking with his buddies when he passed out. "Hahahaha...lookee there at "Chang"...he really fucked up...let's draw a beard on his face with Sharpee." "No, no, no...I got a better idea."
And there begins the tragedy, folks. "Chang" (victim is unnamed in the story so I came up with "Chang" off the top of my head.) was taken sometime later to the hospital in great pain and a bleeding anus. After exploratory surgery doctors discovered a 50 cm long Asian swamp eel that "Chang's" pals had playfully lodged up his butt. (My researcher, Lexxie, informs me that 50 cm is about 20 inches.) The eel had no way out and probably got pretty hungry to boot so it ate through "Chang's" intestines causing major damage and infection. "Chang" lasted 10 days before mercifully expiring. Police are launching an investigation.
This a an Asian swamp eel, not a fucking gerbil, people.
Be safe and know which animals enjoy butt sex. Sheesh!
You Chinese guys may not have gotten the word. Drunken ass play with an eel is stupid and dangerous. It is also really, really gay. Don't do it.
Women want to be jackhammered for 2 hours, followed by 4 hours of "cuddle time".
There's an old joke:
What do you have to do to give a woman an orgasm?
Answer. Who cares?
But hey. We know that's not really funny. Your woman may not say it but she expects magic and lots of it!! Coming soon to the United Kingdom is a drug for men that are...shall we say?...a little quick on the trigger. It's called Priligy and it will cost the guy that just can't help going hump-hump-hump...ahhhhhhhhh!!! £25 a pop (tee hee) for the thrill of a longer ride. (That's 38 dollars American.) It may well be worth it if your girl is constantly saying, "It's okay....(sigh)". But for that kind of money you just might want to box your goofy an hour or so before sexy time. I also hear that double bagging with an extra rubber is pretty pleasure diminishing. Or you could always try putting some cocaine on your cock helmet.
So let's say by virtue of Priligy, blow or a tight rubber band around the base of your wingwang you've given your chick a shagging for the ages. You're lying there with your arms folded behind your head and you're feeling like a combination of Conan and Spartucus. All of a sudden your Lady Lovely leans over and sprays some shit up your nose. It's called oxytocin and it can make a man more empathetic and more in tune with his feelings. It's been nicknamed the "cuddle chemical" which is all any guy needs to know.
Woman: "Mmmmm...this is soooo nice."
Man (thinking): I'm burning up,
her hair is tickling my nose and
my fucking arm is KILLING me.
For fucksy sake! What mad female scientist came up with this brilliant idea? This is what the world needs now in a time of war and uncertainty? A chemical that will make men weep while watching The Notebook and causes their nipples to drip milk when a baby cries? It's like a fucking Oprah episode in a convenient spray. Shit, fire and damnation.
If this becomes the way of the future you can forget the oxytocin. I'll take some oxycontin. A whole fucking handful of it, please. See 'ya folks, I'm outta here.