Nothing out of the ordinary. Just another picture of a semi-nude Anthony Weiner cupping his cock in front of a mirror.

Just in time for your morning coffee we have more racy (and considering the gym background) kinda gay photos of The Weiner topless and cupping his namesake.  TMZ has the full panoply but here's The Funeral Guy personal fave.

Do you have a gym in your house? 

Well, technically you do because you pay for it. 

You don't get to use it though, because you're not special.  

I guess when Anthony is alone he gets his teenage girl on and just can't keep himself away from the camera phone and the mirror.  The only thing missing among these photos are a panty clad butt shot and duckface.  Or maybe The Weiner isn't alone.  What if a number of our congressmen spend their days lounging in the House gym?  Taking photos of themselves and having towel fights.  Might as well, it's right there in the building where they work.  Who wouldn't need a break from the rigors of thinking up new ways to tell you how to run your life and business?  Frivolously throwing your tax money away is hard work, you Plebeians. 

I picture them them all oiled up like the gladiators in Spartucus.  Only wrinkled, doughy and with old man tits.  Attended by Nubian slave girls serving wine into golden goblets while they get their massages.  Anthony is the star of the show, since he is the only one who actually uses the exercise equipment.  "Ooooooooh, Anthony," they coo, "we just took a full quorum vote and it is hereby agreed that you have the smoothest, dreamiest pecs in all of congress and your thighs are like the mighty oak.  What will it take to get you to drop the towel, dear boy?"

I'm beginning to change my mind.  I don't think I ever want this guy to resign.  He's just too fucking funny.  Forget the rehab.  Go for re-election.  Keep doin' what your doin', Anthony.  And don't ever change.  Congress needs all the disrespect it can get.

Here's one Anthony took for next month's issue of Tiger Beat. 

Keeping it clean but sexy for his teenage fangirls. 

Well, that's one way to get the Jews to move.

Coming to the City by the Bay in November?  A measure on the ballot to ban male circumcision in the city of San Francisco.  The new law, if enacted, will be punishable by fines and/or jail time.  It would apply to all males under 18 with no exceptions for religious practices.

Supporters of the law call circumcision genital mutilation, which, strictly defined, it probably is.  But it ain't akin to clitoridectomy.  Circumcision removes excess skin and clitoridectomy removes the source of pleasure in a woman.  If they pass a law that says some doctor is gonna cut off my glans penis...well, let's just say someone is going to meet my 12 gauge.

This is a topic that could be debated ad infinitum, but only in a Nanny Lib city like San Francisco would they vote to take the choice away from parents.  (And Jewish tradition.)  If this passes expect decades of litigation.

Ban the bris? 

I'll give your pestelah a bris, ya' goyim bastards. 

As you know, The Funeral Guy is not gay (putting aside some non-committal and completely academic curiosity about Thai Lady Boys).  I myself am a "helmet" (like 80% of American males) and not an "anteater".  (Ladies, figure it out.)  The only dog I have in this fight is that I hate the fact that government (city, state or federal) would get involved in this.  This is a cultural and personal issue.  Sure, most males don't have a choice in the matter.  But you know what?  When you're a baby there's a whole slew of shit you don't have a choice in.  That's just life.  I had a friend that was circumcised at the age of 18 and he said it hurt like a sonofabitch.  I read in Elvis's biography that he was embarrassed about his "hillbilly dick".  To which the only answer could be, "Dude, you're Elvis and you have a dick.  The world of pussy is pretty much your oyster" (So to speak).   As for me the deal is done and that's that.  No going back.  Some argue that the uncut penis is more sensitive than the cut one.  I wouldn't know about that, but if the giggle in my giggle stick was even more rapturous than it is now, I would probably just spend my days sitting around compulsively masturbating like a monkey in a zoo.  When it comes to the ladies?  Mrs. Funeral Guy says she finds the extra skin of an anteater cock off-putting.  I think her exact words were, "Eeeuuuww, gross."  On the other hand (tee hee), some of the gals on Yahoo! Answers were quite enthusiastic about uncut weenies.  "More fun to play with" seemed to be the consensus   Yahoo!!!!, indeed.   (As the population of uncircumcised males goes up, it stands to reason that women will become more used to them.)

I can't help but think the huge gay community of SF might be the impetus for this.  A quick Google search for Uncut Gay Porn only brought up 5,590,000 hits.  Could it be that certain people are just looking for more docking partners?  Docking.  Yes, it requires two uncut men and involves pretty much what you would imagine.  You can do your own search if you want to, there are some things even I don't want to see.  Much less touch with a ten foot pole.

A weekend hodgepodge of items.

Lots of crazy shit flying around the interwebs this week.  Let's catch up, shall we?

Tiger Woods takes "Love Thy Neighbor" a little too far.

If this latest tournament is any indication, The Woodster's game is going to Hell in a handbasket, undoubtably due to the splooge backup in his poor neglected testicles.  Imagine poor old Tiger approaching the ball, eyes unable to focus, sweaty hands shaking and knees all twitchy like a junkie in his second day of detox.

Or is he distracted by the latest story from the New York Post?  This one is about a woman that was rumored but now confirmed and apparently the babe that broke wife Elin's back, metaphorically speaking.

The National Enquirer has it that Tiger, the randy rehabber, had to write down a list of all his conquests as part of his therapy (No fapping allowed while doing so, OK, Mr. Woods?).  Since the number pegged the boink meter at 121 I'll assume that names weren't required.  A bass player and I did this once back in the day on a long road trip.  Names were impossible so descriptions, places and sex act details counted.  Proving beyond doubt that the reptilian part of the male brain can amazingly regurgitate this stuff like a computer in spite of near constant drug use.

But I digress.  Then The Woodster had to go through the list with Elin during "family week".  (God, how creepy must that be?  I could see sitting around in normal rehab talking about nodding off with a needle in your arm or throwing up on your kid, but having to go into detail to your wife about a pancake waitress polishing your knob in a parking lot seems way skeevy, but maybe that's just me.)

Anyhoodle.  Elin was furious about the fact that her horny hubby, in addition to the now familiar  strumpets, skanks and sleazebags, had a one-nighter with the neighbor's sweet little daughter, Raychel Coudriet.  The whole thing is pretty sordid even for a jaded old fuck like me.  Tiger had been eyeing the nubile coed for some time, even inviting her to go golfing and joking about her "washing his balls".  I guess when you're rich and famous you don't necessarily have to be a smooth operator.   Well, one thing leads to another, and eventually Raychel finds herself in the now infamous office with the licentious lothario of the links with her toes pointed at the ceiling.  (Damn, that home office of his has seen more action than Omaha Beach on D-Day.)  According to a source Raychel felt a little guilty when she looked over to see a baby crib in the room.  Although not enough to dampen the mood or the libido on this particular night it seems.  Tiger wanted to keep things going and invited Raychel to fly with him to Michigan for some Ambien sex.  (Michigan travel slogan: Come for the unemployment...Stay for the Ambien Sex!!)   Unfortunately for The Woodster, Raychel's moral compass finally kicked in and she refused the offer even after being left romantic sext messages such as, "Are you touching yourself?" and "I want to fuck you."  Raychel must have a heart of stone.  What young girl could resist sweet talk like that?

Raychel Coudriet. 

Tiger's taste in the ladies never fails to impress. 

After the scandal shit hit the fan you can imagine that Raychel felt just a tad cheap.  She being all young and innocent and not a professional party girl, stripper, cocktail waitress or porn whore.  "I felt used and violated" she blubbered, "Like I meant nothing to him but a night of casual sex.  I just wanted to dig a big hole, crawl in and die."  (Well, technically, Raychel, he did want to fly you to Michigan for an upgrade to casual Ambien sex.)

Our plucky and now chastened lass had her chance to confront Tiger while back from college during spring break.  "I feel extremely violated by what you did to me!"  Raychel reportedly told Mr. Hump 'n' Dump.  All Tiger could say was, "Sorry about that."

Which is the fuck-anything-with-a-pussy golfer equivalent of "You might want to put some ice on that."

...And speaking of Forbidden Love.

Some of my readers may be a little sheltered (especially you ladies) so here is a little clue about men.  Name anything in this big, wide, wonderful world of ours and you can be sure as shootin' there is some guy somewhere that will look at it and start rubbing himself.  Shoes, rocks, dolphins, you name it, some dude is horny for it.

Hence...Granny Porn.  Yes, it means exactly what is says.

Herein lies the tale of 72 year old Pearl Carter.  Now Pearl doesn't do Granny Porn (as far as I know) but she does have a 26 year old lover by the name of Phil Bailey.  OK... that's a little off the charts but as Woody Allen famously said "The heart wants what the heart wants."  Woody Allen said this as his affair with the much younger adopted daughter of his partner Mia Farrow came to light.  Good example, only Pearl and Phil are even more stomach churning.

Phil Bailey finds the one woman he'll never lose to Tiger Woods. 

Phil, you see, is the natural blood grandson of Pearl.  Yes...not only is 26 year old Phil fucking a 72 year old woman.  He's fucking his 72 year old grandmother.  (And no jokes about Pearl necklaces please.  Isn't this story bad enough?)   Pearl then proceeds to tell us that it's been years since she's felt so "sexually alive".  I know at this point you have your fingers in your ears and are running from the room going lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala!!!!!  Well, come back, because it gets even better.  Pearl has borrowed $54,000 from her pension to pay a surrogate so they can have a child together.  Pearl's own eggs having turned to dust long, long ago.

Pearl is trying to justify that this isn't totally fucking shit weird by saying a friend told her about Genetic Sexual Attraction syndrome.  This is supposedly where people that share the same DNA can meet later in life and have an instant sexual attraction.  Alright...but if you find out you're closely related wouldn't you say, "Goddam.  That sure was a close one.  I guess I'll be moving on now."  YOU DON'T HAVE SEX WITH YOUR GRANDSON...DOES THIS REALLY EVEN NEED TO BE SAID???!!!!  Apparently so.

Maybe if they can find a Justice of the Peace on Tobacco Road crazy enough to perform a marriage ceremony.  Jethro and Ellie Mae will stand up for them while the cross-eyed kid from Deliverance provides the music.

Mr. Ed and My Dog Skip have referred all inquiries to their attorneys...

Grandma-Grandson incest not your cup of tea?  I can understand that.  So here's a story from Pennsylvania about a woman who sounds open to just about anything.

State police have charged Dovie Lee Kerner (great name, by the way), 46, with having sex with a horse.  Ouch!!  Strangely enough, horse diddling isn't as rare as you think.  TFG did posts on it here and here.  Dovie, however, doesn't discriminate when it comes to species.  In addition to equine, she's also been accused of going canine and porcine.  That's horsies, doggies and piggies for those of you who didn't have friends in 4-H club.

The "tail" (tee hee) doesn't end there though.  Dovie, who by all accounts will fuck anything that takes a breath, was turned in by her male human sex partner after she gave venereal diseases to him and his Jack Russell terrier.  I guess they were out of Trojan Magnum condoms for the horse, "kiddie" condoms for the dog, and nobody's ever thought to make corkscrew rubbers for pigs.

For the first time Mr. Ed ain't talkin'.

He enjoyed his visits with Dovie.  

My Dog Skip is dog tired after 

  Dovie gave him a howlin' good time. 

In other bestiality news.  Florida, the state where the bizarre is considered too tame to be normal, they may be finally getting around to outlawing human/animal lovin'.  (Making children disappear and meth lab explosions will remain legal for the foreseeable future.)  The move to finally criminalize bestiality followed stories of a blind man boning his seeing eye dog and a series of goat rapes.

Only in Florida.

Speaking of Florida.  This is a Florida kinda' story.  Only it's China.

A 59 year old chef was drinking with his buddies when he passed out.  "Hahahaha...lookee there at "Chang"...he really fucked up...let's draw a beard on his face with Sharpee."  "No, no, no...I got a better idea."

And there begins the tragedy, folks.  "Chang" (victim is unnamed in the story so I came up with "Chang" off the top of my head.) was taken sometime later to the hospital in great pain and a bleeding anus.  After exploratory surgery doctors discovered a 50 cm long Asian swamp eel that "Chang's" pals had playfully lodged up his butt.  (My researcher, Lexxie, informs me that 50 cm is about 20 inches.)  The eel had no way out and probably got pretty hungry to boot so it ate through "Chang's" intestines causing major damage and infection.  "Chang" lasted 10 days before mercifully expiring.  Police are launching an investigation.

This a an Asian swamp eel, not a fucking gerbil, people.

Be safe and know which animals enjoy butt sex. Sheesh!

You Chinese guys may not have gotten the word.  Drunken ass play with an eel is stupid and dangerous.  It is also really, really gay.  Don't do it.

Women want to be jackhammered for 2 hours, followed by 4 hours of "cuddle time".  

There's an old joke:
What do you have to do to give a woman an orgasm?
Answer.  Who cares?

But hey.  We know that's not really funny.  Your woman may not say it but she expects magic and lots of it!!  Coming soon to the United Kingdom is a drug for men that are...shall we say?...a little quick on the trigger.  It's called Priligy and it will cost the guy that just can't help going hump-hump-hump...ahhhhhhhhh!!!  £25 a pop (tee hee) for the thrill of a longer ride.  (That's 38 dollars American.)  It may well be worth it if your girl is constantly saying, "It's okay....(sigh)".  But for that kind of money you just might want to box your goofy an hour or so before sexy time.   I also hear that double bagging with an extra rubber is pretty pleasure diminishing.  Or you could always try putting some cocaine on your cock helmet.

So let's say by virtue of Priligy, blow or a tight rubber band around the base of your wingwang you've given your chick a shagging for the ages.  You're lying there with your arms  folded behind your head and you're feeling like a combination of Conan and Spartucus.  All of a sudden your Lady Lovely leans over and sprays some shit up your nose.  It's called oxytocin and it can make a man more empathetic and more in tune with his feelings.  It's been nicknamed the "cuddle chemical" which is all any guy needs to know.

Woman: "Mmmmm...this is soooo nice."

Man (thinking): I'm burning up, 

her hair is tickling my nose and 

my fucking arm is KILLING me. 

For fucksy sake!  What mad female scientist came up with this brilliant idea?  This is what the world needs now in a time of war and uncertainty?  A chemical that will make men weep while watching The Notebook and causes their nipples to drip milk when a baby cries?  It's like a fucking Oprah episode in a convenient spray.  Shit, fire and damnation.

If this becomes the way of the future you can forget the oxytocin.  I'll take some oxycontin.  A whole fucking handful of it, please.  See 'ya folks, I'm outta here.

So I guess the only Man on Man action at the Super Bowl will be on the field.

I suspected this had to be a joke when it was first proposed.  The ad for the gay dating site ManCrunch.com as been rejected by CBS for it's Super Bowl telecast.  (I don't care either way.  My lack of interest in sports is well documented.)

I suspect this is why the NFL has such a large gay following.

Well, duh.  For god's sake, the country shit a major brick when a middle aged pop singer's nip and booby popped out during halftime a few years back.  And they're going to give the greenlight for an ad that shows two dudes tongue kissing each other?  Uh, I don't think so.

Although the folks behind (tee hee) ManCrunch said they had the 2.5 million bucks to air the ad I'm really skeptical.  But more power to ManCrunch, they got tons of publicity for free.

Below is the ad.  I know I'm not the demographic for this thing but this looks like it cost about $4.00 to produce.  And that's mostly for the potato chips.



Do gay guys really need dating sites?  I thought that was what gay bars and highway rest stop bathrooms were for?