Sunday, March 28, 2010

Happy Birthday!

Lady Gag Gag.
Foxy Lady for reals! 

Happy Birthday and many more to Lady Gaga.  She is 24 today.  Riiiiiiiiight.

And on a completely unrelated note, I'm excited that on my next birthday I'll be old enough to get my driver's license.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Two hours until "Earth Hour". I'm gonna save the world!!!!!

8:30 local time is when every dewy-eyed doofus in the world will turn out his lights so he can sit in the dark and contemplate what a wonderful person he is.  Bummer...with no electricity how will he be able to listen to John Lennon sing "Imagine" to enhance the experience?  (Does iPod battery power count against your carbon footprint?)

Mrs. Funeral Guy and I will be doing our bit by watching a movie from Netflix on my big ass TV while my supposedly adult step-kids burn every fucking light in the house since they have never learned that every "on" switch has an opposite "off" switch.  

Seriously though, I think this display of moral preening is so stupid that I may multiply my disdain by going outside and putting my Christmas lights back up.  

The humble abode of The Funeral Guy family. 
Happy Earth Hour!!!

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Government workers on the public teat. And that teat dispenses...booze!

For those of you that don't live in Southern California there is an area known as the Inland Empire.  (Sounds grand, doesn't it?)  Riverside, California is a big part of that.  In the SoCal sprawl Riverside acts as a bedroom community for a lot of hardworking folks.  It is also home to high crime, illegal aliens, lots of general skeeviness, and the ever popular meth trade.  Here are couple of fine citizens that earn their bread on the public payroll.

Jeezus.  Look at this fuckin' drunk.  Oh, sorry.  Is that you Chief?

Ooops.  Make that ex-police chief Russell Leach since he resigned four days after being involved in a DUI wreck after leaving Club 215, a Colton, CA titty bar on the night of Super Bowl.   Unspecified medical reasons were cited for the resignation.  I'll make a diagnosis.  He's a fucking alcoholic.

After Russ collided with several obstacles including a fire hydrant, he then blew through a light and shredded the tires on his city owned (as in your, the taxpayers) vehicle.  As Russ's luck would have it he was eventually stopped by a unit of his own Riverside coppers, who treated Russ as you would treat your own boss if you found him drunkenly boning your girlfriend while stealing money from her purse.  With leniency and understanding, of course.  So much so, that City Manager Brad Hudson said that it appeared Leach "was provided treatment beyond what other motorists would be afforded in similar circumstances."  Oh, really?  Fucked up driving at 3:00 AM, crashing your car, the reek of alcohol noted by the detaining officers but no field sobriety test and no recommendation for further action.  Yeah, I do think that Joe Citizen may have faced just a bit more hassle than good ol' Chief Leach.

At least after the investigation by the California Highway Patrol now private citizen Leach had to plead out to misdemeanor DUI.  The sentence?  30 days on house arrest.  Whoop-de-doo.  Do you think it might be possible to get liquor and strippers delivered right to your door in Riverside?

Chivas Regal, prescription drugs and lap dances from topless tramps?  Slaps on the wrist and a pension probably somewhere in the six figures.

It is good to be Chief.

 Riverside ex-police chief Russell Leach.
Russ, you're 62 years old.  Time to give up the booze, the pills 
and the titty bars.  Grow the fuck up

Class?? Class?? Open your History Text to were we?  Uh...oh, shit. Fuck it.  Let's just watch a goddam DVD.

Tonya Neff, 48, is a teacher at Toro Canyon Middle School in Thermal, California (Riverside County).  Drunk and high on pills in the middle of the teaching day, Tonya was arrested for child endangerment.  The child endangerment charge seems a little off the wall to me.  If I had been one of the kids in Ms. Neff's class that day the only thing that would have been a danger is that I might fall out of my desk chair laughing my ass off that my plastered, pill popping teacher was staggering around the room attempting to slur out the day's lesson.

Tonya Neff. 
The pride of the Thermal, California school system

The name of the town tells you all you need to know.  It's hot.  And dry.  And when it's hot and dry (and boring) a lady can get a powerful thirst.  Stuck in some goddam dusty little shitwater town in the middle of nowhere in the Inland Empire.  They ought to cut the lady some slack.  Its not like she was out having sex with one of her students in a meth lab.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Russian wedding complete with alcohol and firearms...what could possibly go wrong?

A dumbass, drunken Russian guy (forgive the obvious redundancies) pulled a gun out of his waistband at his friend's wedding, put it to his head and pulled the trigger.  Click.  So he hands it to another guy.

"See, Yuri, gon ees not loaded.  Ha ha ha.  You try.  Ees fon."

Bang!  A rubber bullet lodges in the poor stooge's head and puts him in the hospital fighting for his life.  The 33 year old Chechan man who started this fuckery, swears the gun was empty when he handed it to the other drunken doofus.  (Travel slogan: Visit Chechnya! Where life is cheaper than a bottle of Vodka.)

This is the pose of a highly evolved Darwin Award contender.
Can't they just amuse themselves by doing 
that folded arm, bent knee, kick dance?

Without getting too deep into the weeds about how semi-automatic handguns function (the gun in the picture is clearly a 9 X 18 Makarov pistol) the Chechen dude's story is a load of horseshit.  The police are also suspicious, but I would imagine that getting a clear picture of the incident from the guests at a Russian wedding is not the easiest of tasks.

I like how the story notes that "Russian weddings are notoriously drunken and sometimes violent, with fist fights not uncommon."

Coming from a British reporter that's really saying something.  (See previous post.)

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

England swings like a pendulum do...

Shit happens in Britain that for whatever reason wouldn't happen anyhere else.  Cases in point.

Brit sex still allowed... just don't enjoy it too much.

Do you know what an Asbo is?  I didn't either.  And no, it's not some yob slang for asshole.  It stands for Anti-social behavior order.  This is something that is issued in Britain for things that are not really worthy of a real arrest but they want you to cease and desist from being...well...I guess, an asshole.

Caroline Cartwright, 49, has been issued an Asbo.  What kind of anti-social behavior was she guilty of you ask?  Keying cars?  Pushing around old ladies?  Not separating her paper from her plastics?  No...when Caroline has fucky time with her husband, Steve, the moans and groans, shrieks, squeaks and squeals combined with the banging of the bed causes major disturbance to the neighbors.  That is some world class coitus.

I, and most people if they're being honest, would admit that the sound of a couple getting their freak on is kinda arousing.  On the other hand, I don't necessarily want to spend 24 hours a day listening to it.  (First of all, I need my sleep.  Secondly, I'm old and after a time the jealousy factor would kick in.)

I can only gather that the sound of the Cartwrights banging, boning and boinking must be like a herd of fornicating, feral felines since this has reached the point where Caroline has been arrested for violating the Asbo.  Steve and Caroline even moved their bed into the dining room in an effort to keep the caterwauling inside the walls.

Holy shit!  What about Steve? Shouldn't there be some kind of law against being just so goddam good between the sheets that your wife can't control herself to the point where the neighbors have to call the police?  This has been going on for four years.  Can't they come up with a compromise that when Steve starts laying the pipe, Caroline has to put a rolled up towel in her mouth.

Steve and Caroline Cartwright.
What makes me think that the main problem 
is when the nooky noises start, the neighbors have
to live with the picture of these two in their heads. 

Gay weddings as only the Brits can do it.

Sharon Hancox and Nicola Hutin, both 40, were celebrating that very special day we've come to know as gay lesbian nuptials. with most happy occasions in Jolly Ol' England too much strong drink spoiled the festivities.

Wife Nicola Hutin and Husband Sharon Hancox. 
Butchy bared breasts and stiletto heels.
Doctor, my eyes...

The reception, which was being held at some joint called Champers bar, exploded into violence when Sharon the groom got three sheets to the wind after eight pints of lager mixed with champagne and she accused doorman David Jenkins of allowing an unwanted guest (Female.  Ex-lover?) into the proceedings.  Sharon then pulled down her gown, exposed her lesbianic ladylumps and called Mr. Jenkins a pervert.  (Jenkins is the pervert???!!! Is he the one exposing himself at a reception for a gay wedding?  I swear to god, the world is spinning off its axis.)   Bride Nicola, joined the fracas and David the doorman takes a blow to the forehead with a two inch stiletto heel wielded by the shitfaced Sharon.  The drinks will flow and the blood will spill to quote Thin Lizzy.

Eventually, the dust settles and the sapphic celebration is told to clear the fuck out.

At the subsequent legal proceeding Mr. Jenkins testified that he'd had previous run-ins with Hancox.  (One can only imagine.)  Hancox retorted that Jenkins "assualted her" and that he "pulled her tits out two years ago."

After all was said and done Sharon Hancox pled to assault and got community service and a fine.  In this country she probably would have been sentenced to anger management classes and some kind of alcohol diversion.  This does not happen in the UK as angry drunken behavior is one of the few sources of national pride they have left.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Don't piss on my leg then tell me it's raining.

Nitinkumar Patel, a 27 year old ex-con from Secaucus, NJ,  has been arrested for a crime that I'm sure is not even specifically on the books.

What did the Indian oddball do exactly?  He would run up behind hispanic women, take out his trouser snake and make a tinkle all over their legs, that's what.  I am not shitting you.  A serial female leg

This is obviously some kind of rape-o version of consensual golden showers but I'll be damned if I can figure out what the ultimate payoff is.  And why just the hispanic chicks?  Is the wily whizzer also a racist?

Mr. PeePee is accused of doing this seven times until finally caught and has been charged with aggravated criminal sexual conduct, lewdness and child abuse (one of the pissed on was 16).  When apprehended immediately following the last assault Patel the pisser had a big, wet stain on the front of his sweatpants.  Busted!!  Next time, dumbass, put on a Depends.

Nitinkumar A. Patel.
Shouldn't he be an engineer or a math professor?
I'm sure his proud parents never dreamed their son 
would be an ex-con that pees on women in the street. 

I guess the New Jersey legislature has never felt the need to pass a law stating that "It will henceforth be illegal and unlawful to whip out the male member and to subsequently urinate, piss, pass water, whizz, tinkle, piddle or to otherwise take a leak on the back of any female leg.  If said leg happens to belong to a woman of the hispanic persuasion a hate crime enhancement will, of course, apply."  Methinks such a statute will soon be forthcoming.

This kind of deviant doofiness is most certainly a young man's game.  If I were inclined towards this kind of fetish at my upper middle age, I'd have to run up to the girl, brandish my pud and ask, "Could you please stand still for a moment, my dear?  I want to piss on the back of your legs but my prostate's a little enlarged and it takes me a minute to get my stream going.  That's a good girl."

Thursday, March 18, 2010

This and that.

Sorry about the light posting.  I have been tossed hither and yon like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz.  Except mine has been a tornado of death.  Some of 'em smelled really bad, looked really bad or were just very sad.  All in all a busy week.  Let's do some quick hits, shall we?

Do you have a "nose" for global warming advocacy?

If you needed any more evidence that the enviro-loons were paddling straight over the falls here's a story from from the UK (home of the highest crackpot to sane person ratio than anywhere else in the world).  Take a guess as to what they're citing now as a contributor to global warming.  Conservatives and their reproductive habits?  No...Sarah Palin?  No...It's cocaine snorting.

Oh, the humanity.  Stop the madness.
Does this new revelation make Lindsay Lohan
Public Enemy #1?

Yep, do a line.  A polar bears dies.  Try to follow this logic.  For every few lines that go up your nose four square meters of rain forest are sacrificed.  I mean for fucksy's sake.  Is this what they've sunk to now that the whole scam is falling apart?  Oh well, it just gives us sane folks one more hypocrisy snowball to throw at the sanctimonious private jet flying, mansion owning, huge carbon footprint musician/actor/celebrity complex.  Because after all, who goes through more blow than these assholes?

In more "everybody must get stoned" news.

Booze crazy ginger, Jason Botos, 
can't stay away from the hard stuff.
Just say...No thank you. 

Here is a guy that is so in love with the firewater that he can't even sober up for his DUI sentencing.  Jason Botos, a 30 year old whiskey sponge was driven to his court date by his dad.  When Jason proved to be too shitfaced to make into court, Pops Botos went to get some deputies to help him pour Jason out of the car.  The gendarmes were not as amused by this as I would have been and arrested Jason on the spot for failure to appear.  Once inside the courthouse the ginger-haired lush blew an astounding 0.43 BAC.  (Otherwise known as near death if you're a college freshman instead of a professional souse like Jason.)  So off to the hospital and then to the pokey for the degenerate dipsomaniac. His original DUI critically injured three people so I think it's safe to say that Jason has gone from being a funny drunk to problem drinker to total fucking menace.

Dude.  Can we all agree you've hit your bottom?  Get some help.

Meanwhile, the Saga of Tiger Woods never fails to entertain.

Radaronline is reporting that the hardest thing (tee hee) for Elin Nordegren to get over in the family reconciliation farce is the fact that The Woodster fucked himself a porn star.  Actually, Elin, that was two porn stars, but who's counting.  I'm sure the one she is referring to is none other than that shrinking violet Josyln James.  Referring to the porn star one source said that Elin, "Couldn't understand why he would do it.  She thinks it's sick."  If Elin thinks it's sick that may be part of the problem.  Perhaps Elin is a little unschooled about some of the little tricks that can keep a man's giggle stick around the home fire.  Just sayin'.

I can say one thing with complete certainty.  If Elin ever saw a compilation of some of Joslyn's work she would run screaming into the night, only to return after a full hazmat team spent a week cleaning the extreme biohazard that is Tiger Woods's cock and balls.  In an industry that is run on one upping the sleaze and skankitude, I dare say that Joslyn James is consistently without peer in raising the bar.  Hell, some of the stuff I've seen her do has made even me wince a little bit.  And I've seen everything.

Joslyn James. 
The undisputed skank queen 
of double (sometimes triple) penetration porn.

Well, if Elin is grossed out now wait till she gets a load of hubby's sexting messages to JJ that the home wrecking whore has posted on her website. (Mega-NSFW)  Here's a nice sample (Thanks Superficial):

Tiger:Sent: 03:32 PM 08/29/2009:
I have no idea. I would love to have the ability to make you sore
Tiger:Sent: 03:35 PM 08/29/2009:
In a week. I will try to wear you out
Tiger:Sent: 03:36 PM 08/29/2009:
After i cum you better start sucking my cock to get it hard
Tiger:Sent: 04"02 PM 08/29/2009:
I want to treat you rough. Throw you around, spank and slap you
Tiger:Sent: 04:06 PM 08/29/2009:
Slap your face. Treat you like a dirty little whore. Put my cock in your ass and then shove it down your throat
Tiger:Sent: 04:07 PM 08/29/2009:
You are my fucking whore
Tiger:Sent: 04:08 PM 08/29/2009:
Hold you down while i choke you and Fuck that ass that i own

If these text messages are for reals.  Tiger Woods has no business being married.  A guy that loves to get his freak on this much, is not a one woman man.  Even if he wasn't a famous gazillionaire.

In case you didn't know, other guys are fucking around on their wives.

Jesse James and Sandra Bullock.
You'd think she'd be hot enough for any guy.
Plus she has a shitload of money. 

I'm sure you've all heard by now that America's Sweetheart Sandra Bullock has cancelled her appearance at the British premiere of The Blind Side, for personal reasons.  Well, the reasons aren't so personal because everybody now knows that Sandra has hightailed it out of hearth and home and left hubby, West Coast Chopper founder, Jesse James, to stew in his own juices (so to speak).  Jesse's crime?  Dipping his wick into the strange (and I do mean strange) punani of some heavily tatted freakshow by the name of Michelle Bombshell.

Michelle "Bombshell" McGee.
A real crapshoot for AIDS and hepatitis with that many tats. 
Hope you used a rubber, Jesse.
(Ooops, rumor has it he didn't.)
Can you imagine what she'll look like at 60?

Before marrying Sandra, Jessie had an affinity for porn stars, even marrying smut queen Janine Lindemulder and making her great with child.  Trouble and custody disputes ensued.  No surprise there.

So Sandra Bullock marries a biker guy who has a reputation for banging (and marrying!!) porn sluts.  Hmmmm??  No red flags, eh Sandra?  ("I know I can change him."  Isn't that what they all say?)

Jesse has issued a public apology although it's a little murky as to what.  (Details please!!)  As I look into The Funeral Guy crystal ball I's getting clearer....a swingin' bachelor pad with Jesse and Tiger.  Yowzer, don't come a-knockin' if these walls be a-rockin'.

At least nobody can tell this whatever to go fuck itself.

This had to happen sooner or later, I suppose.  Norrie May-Welby, 48, a severely confused Brit (and not from strong drink, surprisingly) has been designated officially as a "neuter".   Not a dude, not a chick, just a weirdo.

Norrie May-Welby.
Clearly an escapee from Area 51.

Norrie, (nice fucking name BTW) started male, then changed to female at 28.  Norrie got bored with that  (men are such shits, dearie) then, I'm guessing, sewed up the hole and called it a day.

If Norrie manages to find a couple of more like him her oh, what the fuck, whatever, I guarantee you they will start a lobbying group for neuter rights.

And this being Britain, they'll get them.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Weird death news. It's in the news!!

These are the kinds of stories that I actually started this blog to talk about.  Before sex, drugs, rock n' roll, Tiger Woods and other fun things in life began to take over.

Anyhoo...first up.

Where in the world is James Brown?

When you're the Hardest Working Man In Show Business
you can't waste your time lying around in a casket.

According to LaRhonda Pettit, one of the vast army of the Godfather of Soul's illegitimate progeny, somebody took Soul Brother #1's rotting corpse and hid it away so an autopsy couldn't be performed.  Maybe JB is doing a USO tour in the underworld for zombie troops that are training for the apocalypse.  With Michael J. and Elvis joining him on the bill, of course.   LaRhonda, who I suspect may be a bit jealous that the Jackson family has been able to stretch Michael's death drama long past the time when any normal person is interested, is making noise that some nefarious prescription drug ring may have something to do with her daddy's demise.  She just wants to know so she can make them pay, dammit.  Preferably in cash, I would imagine.

Speaking of losing a body.

Every funeral director's nightmare is somehow not being able to account for somebody's loved one.    New York City funeral director, Paul DeNigris, had a body all boxed up for a ship out to Miami parked in the van outside his funeral home.  He even had a Funeral Director sign in his car window.  When he came out to head to the airport, uh oh!  No van, no body.  Towed away by New York's finest.  After a major panic attack and a trip to the tow yard, Paul gets his body back and on the plane.  The city even kindly waived the $185.00 tow fee but the $115.00 dollar parking ticket is still up for dispute.  DeNigris claims that funeral directors are exempt from parking regulations when transporting human remains.

Maybe so, but there's one small thing.  According to the story, the ticket was written at 9:22 AM and towed at 12:07 PM.  Hey Paul, that's almost three hours, dude.  The sign is supposed to be for removals and other official business.  No way should you leave a body unattended in a vehicle for three hours on a public street.  Hell, when I'm taking a body on a longer than normal journey I get nervous just doing a piss stop.

Maybe the cops would have more respect for 
licensed funeral director Paul DeNigris's van 
if licensed funeral director Paul DeNigris 
knew how to spell the word licensed. 

Mum?  I don't like going to the hospital to visit grandmama.  It smells in there.

Can somebody please get me to the mortuary?  
I think my funeral is tomorrow.

Of course it does, dear one.  That's because when people shed the mortal coil at Heartlands Hospital in Birmingham (UK) they just leave them in the bed so they can start decomposing.  There will be an investigation about why three deceased persons spent the day in bed on the ward in the inhospitable hospital.  Sarah Stevenson, one of the patients in the ward complained the corpses were causing a "tremendous stench".  That's because a lot of people like to leave a nice boom-boom before going off to heaven.   Besides, quit yer bitchin', Granny, or the National Health Service will send you to Haiti for your next recuperation so you can get a whiff of some real decomps.    

I'm not buying the hospital's story about the delay being caused by "the clinical condition of the deceased patient and the need for specialist equipment."  If they're too fat you get help and you move them.  If they've got AIDS or necrotizing fasciitis (flesh eating disease) you get them in a bag, slap a biohazard tag on them, and move them.  Anything else is just bullshit excuses.

This is government run health care and it blows.  End of story.

Your life or your gym bag...and you've only got a second to choose.

This one is really sad.  Not to mention horrible.  Rose Mary Mankos, 48, dropped her sports bag onto the New York City subway tracks and in one of those moments where instinct gives you exactly the wrong signal, Rose jumped onto the trackbed to retrieve it as the train barreled into the station.  As onlookers screamed for her to lay flat on the tracks, she tried in vain to climb back onto the platform.  Rose panicked, then froze, then got slammed by the train.  One horrified witness said, " It looked like she just gave up."

A man was killed in the same way in December going after his MP3 player and another got it in 2004 when he jumped down to get his cellphone.  I don't want to bring up the Darwin Awards, but people, please, it's just stuff.

Rose Mary Mankos.
Killed going after her LeSportsac bag. 
$78.00 on Amazon.

Man, what can you say?  A lot of people at that train stop will be having nightmares for a long time over the image of that poor woman.  I've had one train vs. person case.  All that was left was a body bag filled with chunks of human.  It was one of the worst things I've ever seen.  The only thing worse would be seeing it happen.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Woman has car wreck on freeway...everybody blames bush.

This is a good one.

Megan Mariah Barnes.  37 years old going on 50. 
She looks as though life hasn't always been easy.
Gotta give her this much, she still wants to 
look groomed and sexy for her new man. 

Megan Mariah Barnes, some skank ho that forgot to weedwhack her punani before she started driving to see her boyfriend, slam-smacked another car while her passenger, Charles Judy, was holding the wheel so Megan could get busy making razor bumps on her yum yum.

Just to add to the fuckery, Megan was not even supposed to be driving because her license was suspended for DUI the day before the pussy shaving wreck occurred.   After a feeble attempt to switch seats with the passenger failed to fool the troopers that had arrived to investigate, Megan the minx admitted she was on her way to see her boyfriend and "wanted to be ready for the visit." Hahahahaha!

Oh...and the passenger...Charles Judy?  He's Megan's ex-husband.

So let's recap.  Sexy Megan is in such a hurry to see her boyfriend that she forgets to groom her snoochie.  She's a drunk that shouldn't be driving so she talks her ex-husband into accompanying her to see her boyfriend.  Not to drive, mind you.  Just to be handy in case Megan needs some assistance.  Consequently, he is not there to advise her to pull over, but to hold the wheel while she wields a razor next to her most delicate of lady parts while she works the pedals.  Didn't want to lose one minute of boyfriend time, I guess.  Just plain old bad luck that something went wrong with this whole proposition.

Hey, Funeral Guy.  You forgot to tell us.  Where did these madcap hijinks take place?  

I think I'll just let you guess.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Never underestimate the ingenuity of a guy with a compulsive need to bust his nut.

Anthony Stanci, 19, who it seems has never heard that Craigslist is a good place for online gay sex cruising came up with a sure fire whiz bang idea to satisfy his dark desires.  He set up a Facebook account under the name and photo of a hot female called Kayla (sexy name, huh?) and requested racy (as in lewd and lascivious) photos and videos from his male classmates at New Berlin Eisenhower High School to be sent to the bogus account.  How many of these fellows do you think fell for this?  One?  Maybe two?  How about 30 of them.  He then used the photos to blackmail and coerce them into sex acts by threatening to post the photos on the internet.  A surprising number complied.  Now unless you were woefully under-endowed why wouldn't you tell him to just go ahead and post away while you punctuated your point by beating his head in with a table lamp?

Stanci has been sentenced to 15 years in the stoney lonesome which is longer than most murderers, but it seems that young Anthony is a psychopath who also calls in bomb threats, sexually assaults children and does lots of other bad shit so good riddance.  

Baby faced Anthony Stanci is off to the pokey. (Tee hee)
Something tells me his wish for unlimited 
gay sex is about to be realized.

Now.  Let me give you young, dumb and full of cum guys a tip from an older chap (me) that been around the block more times than he'd really like to count.  Here it is.


Real girls do not have sexual brains like guys.  They don't get all damp at the sight of your johnson.  Truth be told, we guys are for the most part so inherently unattractive that it's a blessing and a miracle that women ever consent to have sex with us.

When you send a picture of your genitals out to some "girl" on the internet one of three things will happen and all of them are bad.

1)  Your email address will go to every professional web whore and skank entrepreneur and you will get offers to buy everything from Viagra and fake dick lengtheners to $100 pairs of dirty stained panties.

2)  You will get yourself into a situation where the only person you will meet is that dickhead Chris Hansen and you will end up in handcuffs with your teary mug on To Catch a Predator.

3)  You will end up being reeled into something totally gay by some fucking homo like this shitbag in the story above.

There.  You've been warned.   Now go have fun and don't do anything stupid.

Rubbers...for little boys? Or for shy "little" guys.

A company in Switzerland is making a penis hat ostensibly for the barely post-pubescent crowd of 12-14 year old boys.  An under served market, to be sure.  The jizz bag, measuring 1.7 inches diameter as opposed to the standard 2.0 inch model, has been given the name The Hotshot.  I'm not making this up.  (Do they come ribbed "for her pleasure"?   How about a reservoir tip?  Or is the whole rubber just the tip?) Apparently, a survey found that 25% of German boys said a regular condom was too big.  The other 75% were lying liars.

I would have loved to been behind the two way mirror watching the focus group for this flash of genius.  There's a bunch of the teenie-weenie willy wrappers on the table and somebody says, "Hey?  Are those the things that people who have to leaf through a bunch of paperwork wear on their fingers?"  "No.  Those are jimmies for the precocious pre-teen pussy hunter.  We're trying to come up with a suitable product name."   "Okaaayyy...I think I've got one.  How about the Tot Shot?"  "Hmmmm, a little too racy but I think we're on the right track here."  

Hello Kitty packaging.  And it looks like a lollipop.  Perfect.

I mean seriously.  Do they really consider this to be a moneymaker?  A 12 year old saving up his lunch money so he can buy a six pack of Hotshots?  How many is he going to go through in a week?  I know times have changed and kids are a little more worldly but don't they have to squeeze in homework and video games every once in a while?  England is being looked at as a lucrative market, according to the article due to it's skyrocketing teen pregnancy problem.  (Check this story of the 15 year old Brit teen mom with the twins.  Her mom, who we'll call Ms. Clueless let the boyfriend stay the night and was "shocked" when it "happened."  But as Ms. Clueless says, "What can you do?"  Well, Ms. Clueless, soon you'll be able to leave a package of Hotshots in your daughter's bedroom.  I know the train has already left the station, but "what can you do?")

I think we really know what's going on here.  These boner bags aren't mainly for the squirting young squirts.  These are for shall we say...the more "diminutive" adult male.  You know, the 200 pounds of dynamite with the one inch fuse.  Much better to walk into the pharmacy and ask the cute chick behind the counter for a box of Hotshots "for that damn kid of mine", than to slide around inside a regular rubber like a hot dog in a mayonnaise jar.

P.S.  Just so you know.  Mrs. Funeral Guy assures me I'm exceptionally average in that department.

This is like that weird "Final Destination" movie.

Here's a story that proves that when your time is up your time is up and there's not a damn thing you can do about it.  An unnamed 42 year old Queensland, Australia woman was walking along the street when a large lawn mowing tractor ran over a piece of steel pipe that then went flying in just the perfect trajectory to decapitate the woman.  

There was no escape from the Lawnmower of Death. 

Think about it.  One step slower or one step faster and life goes on.  In this case though; dead before she hit the ground.  Spooky.  A witness to the accident was quoted as saying, "She was in the wrong place at the wrong time."  


Earthquakes, tsunamis, government run healthcare...what's next? Zombie Apocalypse.


Anybody in the deathcare business that doesn't worry about the Zombie Apocalypse is living in a rainbow world of unicorns and cupcake gardens.  It's a-comin' and I don't want to be unprepared when at any given time I've got up to ten of the recently dead in a cooler not 20 feet from my office.  One passing cloud of the dead raising virus and I'm facing a platoon of brain sucking monsters made worse by the fact that they have somehow learned to run really fast as opposed to the stiff-legged lurching cartoons of zombie history.

I'm prepared.  Are you?  

If you're a firearms kind of person check this out at Outdoor Life.  (A respectable publication, by the way, and if they're on board with the inevitable.  Shouldn't you be?)  If edged weapons are more your style and you like to see zombie heads separate from their shoulders in a spray of blood here are some cool offerings from

For me?  The first choice out of my safe is definitely my Benelli M1 Super 90 semi-auto shotgun.  8 rounds in the tube and one in the pipeline.  Sweet and deadly.  (Go with the pistol grip stock.  It looks way cooler.)

The handgun option?  Colt Anaconda in .44 Mag.  When the revolver's empty you can beat the zombie on the head with it.  This puppy weighs almost 4 pounds. 

My beautiful daughter, Ms. Funeral Guy, likes the Ruger 9mm carbine. 

Headline of the year:

Posted totally without comment.  Why gild the lily?

Gay Catholic Ex-Stripper Awaits Birth of Twins Carried by Husband's Sister.

h/t Jonah Goldberg at The Corner

Monday, March 1, 2010

This would be like Barack Obama appointing Jillian Barberie Secretary of State.

I don't know how the government of Italy works, but damn, awesome doesn't begin to describe its political party (and I do mean party) system.  Now we're not talking national GDP, military might, foreign policy, taxes or any of that unimportant stuff.  My actual knowledge of Italy is pretty limited, but I'll assume that it's just another cookie cutter Eurotrash socialist shithole of corruption with nice old buildings that will soon take it's unsustainable demographic dump into the toilet of history.

That being said, the way they run their parliamentary elections is totally wack and entertaining.  Not like the oh-so-serious Barack and the stuffy Democrat and Republican hacks that we have stinking up our politics here in the states.

Italy's prime minister is 73 year-old gazillionaire, Silvio Berlusconi.  He's a horny old goat who's had many mistresses and is currently separated from his second wife who is contemplating divorce.  Corruption charges are as common to Berlusconi as his VERY young female "friends", but like most rich, powerful men, the shit never sticks.  (When you go to the link, scroll through the slideshow of Silvio Berlusconi's Women.  Yowza!!!!  This guy must buy Viagra by the truckload.)

Now the fun part.  Check out some of the candidates that the prime minister's party (hilariously named The People of Freedom Party) is putting forward in the coming (tee hee) elections.

Check out the first candidate for the northern region of Lombardy.  This is Nicole Minetti, 25, ex-showgirl and now dental hygienist.  (What is the wait time for an appointment with this dentist? The hygienist dresses like a naughty schoolgirl, for god's sake!!)

Next up, running in the southern region of Campania, Giovanna Del Guidice, former TV weather girl and current nightclub hostess.   I must say her breasts look very suitable for government work.

And lastly, Emanuela Romano, 29, who was dropped from the ticket last year which caused her to cry and her father to set himself on fire.  (WHAT THE FUCK!!??  Who knows?  They're Italians.)   This one is a little overdressed, but I'm imagining a thong and garter belt underneath the professional attire.  Right guys?

Do these women have any qualifications?  Who the hell cares!   They're hot Italian broads.

Hard to believe this is the same country that the Pope lives in.

Dumbass global warming true believer didn't get the memo that AGW is a load of shit.

Some unhinged whacko inspired by the absurd flapdoodle that is global warming hysteria, made a suicide pact with his significant other and decided to kill his kids also.  Better dead than too damn hot, I guess.

Shot to death or burned up by the sun.
A caring father makes his choice. 

Francisco Lotero, 56, and Miriam Coletti, 23, of  Goya, Argentina, left a suicide note that expressed their fear of global warming.  Shit.  This 56 year old dude had a 23 year old girlfriend.   Couldn't he think of better ways to spend his time than worrying about a bunch of global warming hooey?

Miraculously, their 7 month old baby girl survived the gunshot wound and was found alive three days after the murder/suicide.

Nice going, Al Gore.

Well, he's not ready to join Zhora in rehab, but...

President Obambi had his first by gosh official presidential physical and got a relatively clean bill of health for a 48 year old man.  I'm surprised that he had one at all.  Do deities requires physicals just like mortal people?

"Godammit, Michelle, get off my ass. 
I'm just having a little smoke break"

The big news is (because it is rarely mentioned in the lapdog press) that the God-That-Walks-Among-Us is still enslaved to those little white tubes of happiness and relaxation.  Remember this, folks.  When somebody is chipping with cigarettes and they tell you they only smoke eight a day.  Double it.  At least.

I don't really care if Obambi puffs away like a dirty coal chimney.  The Funeral Guy was a heavy smoker from age 13 to 39 and god bless 'em, I loved the little devils, and gave them up only to stop some incessant nagging.

But can you imagine if it was a Republican president that smoked?  All you would ever hear was how stupid and undisciplined he was.

And what about that last sentence regarding the doctors also recommending "moderation of alcohol intake".  !!!!!!???????  Are they saying that The Bamster needs to cut down on the boozing?  You'd think that would be a story, wouldn't you?  Although if I were the president and was watching My Glorious Agenda circling the shitter as fast as this one is, I'd be hitting the bottle pretty good too.