A chicken in every pot...and free jizz bags in every pocket.

This story is not as bad as City of New York employees retiring at age 50 with $100,000+ annual pensions, but it's pretty bad.  

Holy shit, Funeral Guy, what the hell could be almost as bad as lazy ass unionized government employees?  How about that the taxpayers of Washington, D.C. not only pony up no cost condoms for the horny denizens of our nation's capitol, but now the freeloading fuckers are complaining about the quality.

No.....Durex rubbers aren't good enough for these playas.  They gotsta have Trojans.  And not just any Trojans, mind you.  They wants Trojan Magnums.  You know, the ones for biiiiiiiiiig johnsons.  (If this was any city other than D.C. I'd say these guys were just bragging.  But, well...you know.)  I kid you not.  Go here to the Trojan website and watch the video with rapper Ludacris plugging the Magnums.  (Why Ludacris?  Because...well...you know.)  The Trojan Magnums also have more visual appeal to the D.C. demographic because as Michael Kharfen, spokesman for the city's HIV/AIDS administration puts it, "The gold package certainly has a little of the bling quality."  Well, there you go, then.  When I stick my hang low in the stank ho' I want my thing to have dat bling.

Check this quote from T. Squalls, 30, student of the University of the District of Columbia.  "If people get what they don't want, they are just going to trash them.  So why not spend a few extra dollars and get what people want?"  Why not indeed, Mr. T. Squalls?  What's a few dollars more to you?  All you're doing is putting your hand in the jimmie jar.  Let's leave aside the fact that T. Squalls is still dicking around in college at the ripe age of thirty (pun intended) notice how he's absorbed his generations' sense of entitlement and "somebody else has to pay for me" attitude.  Since he lives near the heart of our bloated, other peoples' money federal government, he probably developed this blase' sense of giveaway through osmosis.  I fully realize that the point of the free rubbers is to prevent AIDS, but shouldn't the thought of contracting and dying from a horrible disease be enough to make even the most irresponsible dumbass cough up a few bucks for a pack of prophylactics?  If it isn't, then it should be.  Grow the fuck up.

How long before the "ladies" of the nation's 
capitol start demanding the Twister condom? 

Her pleasure ought be free too.  

So remember ladies.  If you happen to run into T. Squalls and he want to ax you out, what you're getting is a thirty year old loser who has neither the aspiration nor the money to buy his own penis hats.  You've been warned.

Enjoy your dinner at Mickey D's.

Rubbers...for little boys? Or for shy "little" guys.

A company in Switzerland is making a penis hat ostensibly for the barely post-pubescent crowd of 12-14 year old boys.  An under served market, to be sure.  The jizz bag, measuring 1.7 inches diameter as opposed to the standard 2.0 inch model, has been given the name The Hotshot.  I'm not making this up.  (Do they come ribbed "for her pleasure"?   How about a reservoir tip?  Or is the whole rubber just the tip?) Apparently, a survey found that 25% of German boys said a regular condom was too big.  The other 75% were lying liars.

I would have loved to been behind the two way mirror watching the focus group for this flash of genius.  There's a bunch of the teenie-weenie willy wrappers on the table and somebody says, "Hey?  Are those the things that people who have to leaf through a bunch of paperwork wear on their fingers?"  "No.  Those are jimmies for the precocious pre-teen pussy hunter.  We're trying to come up with a suitable product name."   "Okaaayyy...I think I've got one.  How about the Tot Shot?"  "Hmmmm, a little too racy but I think we're on the right track here."  

Hello Kitty packaging.  And it looks like a lollipop.  Perfect.

I mean seriously.  Do they really consider this to be a moneymaker?  A 12 year old saving up his lunch money so he can buy a six pack of Hotshots?  How many is he going to go through in a week?  I know times have changed and kids are a little more worldly but don't they have to squeeze in homework and video games every once in a while?  England is being looked at as a lucrative market, according to the article due to it's skyrocketing teen pregnancy problem.  (Check this story of the 15 year old Brit teen mom with the twins.  Her mom, who we'll call Ms. Clueless let the boyfriend stay the night and was "shocked" when it "happened."  But as Ms. Clueless says, "What can you do?"  Well, Ms. Clueless, soon you'll be able to leave a package of Hotshots in your daughter's bedroom.  I know the train has already left the station, but "what can you do?")

I think we really know what's going on here.  These boner bags aren't mainly for the squirting young squirts.  These are for the...how shall we say...the more "diminutive" adult male.  You know, the 200 pounds of dynamite with the one inch fuse.  Much better to walk into the pharmacy and ask the cute chick behind the counter for a box of Hotshots "for that damn kid of mine", than to slide around inside a regular rubber like a hot dog in a mayonnaise jar.

P.S.  Just so you know.  Mrs. Funeral Guy assures me I'm exceptionally average in that department.