Thursday, December 31, 2009

Happy New Year, Revelers.

Have fun but be safe and sane.  When you think about it all you're celebrating is the fact that you'll be putting a new calendar on the wall.

I've seen them all, Kids.  The car wreck bodies, the OD's, the falls from the balconies, and the alcohol poisonings.  Please don't make me be the guy sitting across the table from your sobbing parents or significant others as they sign the form so I can pick you up from the coroner.

Love ya',
The Funeral Guy
24 years sober.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Update: A Christmas Story with the Sheen Family.

Charlie Sheen who apparently likes his brides a little on the crazy side, may actually be the saner party in the Sheen Christmas Family Fracas.  It turns out that Mrs. Sheen blew a .13 on the Booze-O-Meter while hubby Charlie came in at a respectable .04.  Let's remember that these alcohol readings were at 8:00 AM Christmas morning and that the Sheens have a couple of twin tots.  Nice.

Brooke Mueller Sheen.
Yep.  This is the kind of mistake 
drunk moms make all the time.

Brooke reportedly tried to recant her story of woe and drunken cruelty by her husband, but once the cops are involved all bets are off.  The next court appearance of the hapless Mr. Sheen will be February 8.

Maybe next year the Sheens should celebrate Festivus instead where the airing of grievances are part of the tradition.

Update:  My bro' The Conservatarian pointed out my error in Charlie's BAC.  It's .04 not .4 (since corrected).   I plead tiredness and also that Brandy, my fact checker, was working her Saturday night shift on the pole at Snookie's Gentlemen Club.  A .4 reading would have been in The Funeral Guy range after a show in the 70's.  

I'll have my horny politician Indian style with extra hot curry, please.

Narayan Dutt Tiwari is the governor of the Andrah Pradesh state in southern India.  Or at least he was until yesterday when he resigned.

Narayan Dutt Tiwari.  
Don't let the bi-focals and the soda jerk hat fool you.
Who'da thought he was the Tiger Woods of India?

Jeez, Funeral Guy, why should we care about the resignation of some unknown politician with some unpronounceable name from some ungodly province of some third world dirt puddle?  I'll tell ya why, pilgrim.  Because he had to resign when they aired a tape of him cavorting flagrante delicto with three floozies at the same time, that's why.   Pretty good, huh?  Narayan, for his part, denies the whole thing and claims the tape is doctored, but he resigned anyway.

Hot Indian Broad.
Ooops, sorry.  Wrong continent.

Hey, Baby, don't pour that out.
That's the warm milk that my nurse 
puts my crushed Viagra in. 

Oh, I forgot to mention.  My man Narayan?  He's 86.  86!!!!!!!   If I was 86 and still able to take on three strumpets at once I wouldn't be denying nothin'.  I'd be standing tall, pointing proudly at my chest and proclaiming to the world, "Yep.  That's me alright.  Guilty as charged."  WhoooHoooo!!!!!

Friday, December 25, 2009

Arrested!! On Christmas Morning. Ho Ho Ho!

Mug shots of the rich and famous.
Charlie Sheen, Yuletide Yabo.

Charlie Sheen, one of Hollywood's nuttier squirrel cakes, decided to spend his Christmas in the clink in Aspen, Colorado for allegedly giving his wife, Brooke Mueller Sheen, a tune-up lesson on how to listen to her husband.  Charlie, a rehab veteran, is also in the Hollywood Club of 911 Truthers with Janeane Garafolo, Roseanne Barr and Rosie O'Donnell.  Mr. Sheen is also known for blowing (tee hee) thousands and thousands of dollars on whores when one could assume that a man of his fame could get tons of pussy for free.  (See Woods, Tiger)  For further proof positive that the man has a major screw loose, he was also married to dumb-as-a-bag-of-hammers actress (and I use the term loosely), Denise Richards.

Details on the incident are sketchy at this time.

Brooke and Charlie Sheen. 
Drug crazy or just regular crazy,
you gotta give the man props for his taste in women.

Died on this date:

James Brown
aka The Godfather of Soul
May 3, 1933-Dec. 25, 2006
(Age 73)

I saw James Brown perform numerous times in the 60' and 70's.  He was indeed the "hardest working man in show business."  He was also, without dispute, a legendary musical innovator that paved the way for Michael Jackson and Prince just to name two performers who came closest to generating the kind of excitement of a James Brown show.   James Brown (and the Famous Flames) and his band (oh, my god, that band!) were a textbook study in how to build excitement in a live show.  By the time James was led off the stage with that cape around him, only to throw it off because he just had to come back and give some more, the crowd would be in an uncontrollable frenzy.  I know I'll get an argument on this but James Brown in his prime would make Michael Jackson look like he was dancing in a river of glue.  James Brown Live at the Apollo is one of the greatest live R&B albums ever recorded.

James's personal life was complicated as it usually is for larger than life performers like The Godfather of Soul.  Multiple marriages, jail time, spousal abuse, illegitimate children nothing in the panoply of soul star pathologies could slow down the hardest working man in show business.  James Brown was still hitting the stage right up to the end.

From congestive heart failure and complications of pneumonia.  James Brown is interred in a temporary crypt at the home of Deanna Brown Thomas, one of his daughters.  Plans for a permanent memorial are still being determined.

Wikipedia has an extensive overview of the man and his legend.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Merry Christmas and May God Bless Us, Everyone.

As we head into a long Christmas weekend with family, friends and all kinds of good cheer, I wanted let my readers (both of you) know that posting will be light to non-existent unless something really crazy happens like Tiger Woods having sex with one of Santa's elves or some crazy person shooting up a Burger King at the North Pole or something.

So I'd like to take this opportunity to thank you all for visiting The Funeral Guy this year and joining in the fun.  Let's keep it going into the new decade, shall we?

And I'd also like to thank the people for whom without their help this website would not be possible.   I know a lot of my readers think that I'm just one lone guy who throws stuff up on the web spaghetti-style when I'm at home in my jammies or on a break at the funeral home, but believe me, it takes a lot of support staff to bring you this finely tuned production known as The Funeral Guy.  Researchers, Fact Checkers, IT technicians, secretaries, office managers, and "Happy Ending" massage therapists comprise all the wonderful folks behind the scenes that bring The Funeral Guy experience to you.  So from the boss, a big, wet thank you to you all.   You'll find your bonus in the usual place, Ladies.

Season's Greetings from the staff cracks crack staff at 
The Funeral Guy.
(standing from left) Brandy, Mandy, Candy, Bambi, and Lexxie. 
(bottom from left) Angel, Crystal, Lola, Cheyenne and Jasmine.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Died on this date:

Joe Strummer
Aug. 21, 1952-Dec. 22, 2002
(Age 50)

The Clash is often referred to as "The Only Band That Matters."  If that statement is true it was primarily due to the talents of Joe Strummer (born John Graham Mellor).  The Sex Pistols were a joke that gave birth to the British punk scene but The Clash was the real deal.  They exploded on the scene in London with politically tinged songs about police brutality, political oppression, and other radical causes that were near and dear to leftist hearts in the mid to late 70's.  Beyond the mindless leftism though, the music was rough, rowdy and exciting.  Good stuff.  Rolling Stone Magazine has them at #30 of the Top 100 bands of all time and they were inducted into The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 2003.

Death from cardiac arrest arising from a previously undiagnosed congenital heart defect.

Here is my favorite song by The Clash.  "London Calling."

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Update: Brittany Murphy

Simon Monjack with the beauteous Brittany.

According to TMZ Brittany Murphy's husband, Simon Monjack aka What The Fuck Is She Doing With Him? told Cedars-Sinai Medical Center that he didn't want an autopsy performed on his deceased wife.  Uh, Earth to husband.  That's not exactly your call to make.  We have a heretofore healthy (as far as we know) 32 year old woman found dead in the shower.  And we have the husband not wanting an autopsy?  Red flag!  Red flag!

Now, in fairness, he could be in total shock and just wanting to protect the integrity of his beautiful wife's body.  But that's not how it works.  If I had to bet, the autopsy will be inconclusive and the causes will be "pending toxicology".  I've seen it a hundred times.  It's possible, but as a rule, 32 year olds don't just collapse and die in the shower.

Sad...just breaking...Died today.

Brittany Murphy
Nov. 10, 1977-Dec. 20, 2009
(Age 32)

TMZ is reporting that Brittany Murphy was found this morning at 8:00 AM in full cardiac arrest at her home in Los Angeles.  She was pronounced dead on arrival at Cedars-Sinai Hospital.

Brittany starred in Clueless, 8 Mile, Don't Say a Word and numerous other films.  My personal favorite was her role as Shellie in Sin City.  Damn, she was sexy.

Cause of death will be pending investigation, of course.


Saturday, December 19, 2009

When I was in my bad car wreck all I got was a torn meniscus and a hiatal hernia.

Have you ever heard of Restless Genital Syndrome aka Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome?  Me neither, but I'm glad medical science now has a name for what I was afflicted with from my teens to my late 30's.  Ha Ha!

Well it's no joke to Joleen Baughman, 39, of New Mexico, because she has it for reals and in spades.  Mrs. Baughman and her husband were in a severe car accident in April 2007 and as Joleen was making her slow recovery from her injuries she began to experience "intense sexual urges" much to the happy surprise of her husband, Brian.  Happy indeed, since Joleen admits that previously she had "practically no sex drive at all."  Apparently, however, there can be too much of a good thing since now Joleen says that "It's unbearable.  Just my clothes rubbing against me gets me so aroused I can hardly think straight."  Jeez, Joleen,  just hearing a woman say that gets me so aroused I can hardly think straight.

Joleen Baughman.  
What do you think?  Is that a smile or a grimace?

After consulting specialists she was diagnosed as having damage to the pudendal nerve which is a nerve close to her goodie button.   By all accounts there is nothing to be done except bemoan how exhausting 24 hour a day arousal can be.

So on that note a wish for the Baughman's Christmas stockings.  For Brian...a lifetime Viagra prescription.  And for Joleen...a gallon of AstroGlide.

Weird death: It's in the news.

In an earlier post about TW (you know who I mean) I made a wish upon a star for some good death stories to take me away from the sleaze-a-thon.  Well, here they are.

Welcome to your Eternal your own sleep number bed!

Cozy, comfy and still getting paid.

Eighty-seven year old Blanche Roth entered into rest sometime in the spring and I do mean rest since she's been in her death bed until a just a few days ago.  Times are tough all over and North Carolina is certainly no exception so Blanche's daughter, Amy Blanche Stewart, figured just because momma was deceased the taxpayers shouldn't keep ponying up her social security checks.  So basically life just continued in the Roth household as usual.  (For everybody but Blanche, obviously.)  That's right.  Five family members, including kids, went about their daily routine while living in the house with Blanche's putrescent corpse for seven months until somebody finally dropped the dime to 911.  Daughter Amy was arrested on felony charges of concealment of death.

Amy Blanche Stewart.  She's got the "crazy eyes".

Beyond the utter disrespect of letting your mom decay and stink in her bedroom for seven months, how did they get around the smell?  Most people think they have an idea what a rotting body smells like, (known affectionately to us in the deathcare business as a "decomp")  but let me say right here you have no idea how bad it can be.  To me, living in a house with that ungodly smell would be like living with a horrible toothache.  Impossible to think of anything else until it's taken care of.

I'm hoping that a few more felonies can be added to Amy's charges (how 'bout fraud, for one?) so she can know what it's like to prison.

Speaking of decomposing here's our next story.

Get the fuck off me, Fido, I'm just taking a nap.

There are no bigger dog lovers on the planet than me and Mrs. Funeral Guy.  We believe that man has a natural affinity for pooches and that the feeling is reciprocated.  Why, we even believe we'll be walking our mutts again when we reach the great beyond.

I'm sure that's the way that an unnamed man in Papillon, Nebraska felt right before he shot himself.  He put out some kibble for his little pugs, Harry and Sally, but it just wasn't enough.  So after a decent period of grieving Harry and Sally finished off the kibble and started in on Mr. Death By Self-inflicted Gunshot Wound.  By the time the authorities found the body two weeks post-mortem, it was pretty badly mutilated by the peckish pups.

The Humane Society of Nebraska said that Harry and Sally seemed to have survived their trauma and are now just hoping for a good home.

Sally and Harry.  Looking for a good home.
Can the Humane Society of Nebraska promise that they haven't 
developed a ravenous desire for human flesh?

I don't want to hear of anybody out there passing judgment on our little canine gourmets.  Let's say you, I don't know, survived a plane crash somewhere.  Somewhere, let's just say the Andes Mountains.  I guaranty that in a couple of weeks you'd be eating your own mother.  So there.

In other news about which I really have nothing to say except who knows why people do the shit they do. 

Shellie Ross, a mom in Florida, (where else?)  felt the need to Tweet about her son's drowning death in the pool minutes after it happened.  Opinions on the propriety of this is mixed as you might imagine.  One might pose the question if maybe mom spends too much time on the computer and not enough time paying mind where her son is.  Shellie calls anyone who questions the Twittering of something so personal, "a small minded asshole who deserves to rot in hell."  Hmmm, defensive much?  She hasn't been charged with anything, so there you go.

$20,000 bail apiece for these two jamokes.  
Wouldn't a legal late term abortion been cheaper?

Javier Gonzalez, 37, and Ruby Lee Medina, 31, of San Juan, Texas, used some pills to abort their 7 month old fetus.  When it wouldn't flush down the toilet, they put it in a gift box under the Christmas tree.  They have been arrested for abusing a corpse and tampering with evidence.  Considering it's legal to stick scissors in the head of a 9 month old fetus in order to facilitate the sucking out of it's brains, why are these two being arrested?  I'm not making a political point.  I'm seriously at a loss as to what their crime is.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Tiger Woods. Looks like it's gonna be a blue, blue Christmas.

Now that the tsunami of tramps has slowed to a babbling bimbo brook, we can now condense our extensive Tiger coverage as events warrant.

Tiger's Cougar.

Get a load of this one.  (We only need a few more hussies to come forward and we'll have a complete round of 18 holes.)  Theresa Rogers, 48, claims she taught Tiger everything he knows about how to please the ladies.  By the looks of her I'm guessing she taught a young Arnold Palmer the same things.

For you youngsters that may not be aware
this is what porn stars from the 80's looked like.

Hitting Golf Balls at Night.

Tiger Woods shown holding the actual house where
 he'll be living after his wife, Elin, takes him to the cleaners. 

We're starting to hear sad tales of Tiger Woods sitting around watching cartoons and eating cereal, just like any other bum whose wife has left him.  Except he's got a gazillion dollars and is watching cartoons on a 25 foot TV and eating gold plated cereal with diamond clusters.  Then when things get too lonely and depressing he reportedly heads out to hit some golf balls in the dark of night.  In other words, finally doing what he probably told his wife he was doing when he was actually out banging whores.

 Tiger waving to his fans.

Jaimee Grubbs files for an extension of her 15 minutes.

Jaimee Grubbs, the most unfortunately named floozy in Tiger's Poon Parade, will be baring (almost) all in the pages of Maxim magazine.  Wowee, Jaimee Grubbs in her bra and panties.  Since we've already seen her in 4000 bikini poses this should be a big yawn.  For those of you not in the know, Maxim considers itself a higher shelf stroke book because the women don't show cooch or nipples and it has articles.  Or as men call it.  Boring.

 Jaimee Grubbs who is not going to show us anything 
we haven't seen a million times by now.

He's just a little acorn trying not to fall too far from the tree.

It's 1:45 in the morning.  Do you know where your 4 year old son is?  Well, if you're April Wright the answer is out wandering the neighborhood drunk with a beer in his hand.  Wow, you say,  that's like really gnarly bad.  You ain't heard the half of it.   Hayden Wright was also breaking into houses and stealing Christmas presents.  One of which was a brown girly frock that he then put on so he would look all foxy for his inebriated meander through the neighborhood.

Little Hayden Wright.  
A little bleary-eyed, but at least wearing boy clothes.

Money quote from mom, April, who apparently sure can pick a mate.  "He runs away trying to find his father.  He wants to get in trouble so he can go to jail because that's where his daddy is."

Child protective services has informed April that she will retain custody of Hayden.  Did I mention this happened in Tennessee?

Gee, ya hate to kick a guy while he's down, but...

This is pretty funny and I'm sure it's just going to be part of the avalanche.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Old lady on old lady violence. Will it never end?

It's not easy having a roommate.  They take your shit without asking, leave dried up scrambled egg on the stove, and let their skeevy fuck buddy sleep over all the time.  Usually by the time you start getting  financially more solvent in your late 20's it's adios roommates, good riddance.

You live your life.  All in all things are going pretty good and then it happens.  You get old.  You get feeble.  You start to shit and piss yourself (maybe without even knowing it).  Then one day you notice your kids exchanging worried glances when they think you're not looking.  Next thing you know you're in a fucking nursing home.  And unless you or your kids are rich, guess what?  You've got a roommate.

That's where 100 year old Elizabeth Barrow found herself.  Luck of the draw gets her in the same room with 98 year old Laura Lundquist who happens to have dementia along with other flights of dotty cuckoo-ness.  Unfortunately, Elizabeth's luck ran out when facility staff found her under the bed sheet with a plastic bag tied around her head.  I didn't take Sherlock Holmes to find the culprit.  According to statements previously made by Laura part of the motive was that she coveted Elizabeth's prime real estate of the bed by the window.  Boy, you know your world has shrunk to the size of a keyhole when a window view is an incentive for murder most foul.  I was somewhat puzzled by the statement by Bristol District Attorney C. Samuel Sutter.  He said an increase in violence is a statewide and national problem and is one that in all likelihood is going to get worse.  Huh!!???  Nursing home mayhem?  Is this an epidemic?  Is fossil on fossil crime on the rise?  What do they have to fight about?  Which is better?  Rascal or PowerChair?  "Goddamit!!! Those are my dentures.  Yours are in the green container you sonofabitch!!!  Where's my gun!"  "My pudding! Somebody took my goddam pudding!  I'm gonna kill you, you bitch!"

One final word to Laura.  Laura, what the hell were you thinking?  Elizabeth was 100 years old.  Couldn't you have just waited a couple of weeks?

Kids...please...I'll be good.  
Don't put me in one of those horrible places.
I don't want this to be my last vision in this world.

Died on this date:

Ike Turner
Bandleader/Musician/ Producer
Nov. 5, 1931-Dec. 12, 2007
(Age 76)

December is bad news for R&B pioneers.  Ike Turner, is best remembered as the spousal battering half of Ike and Tina Turner (and their famous Revue).  Ike was not a great guitarist or singer but was a great spotter of talent.  He was also an innovative producer and a kick-ass bandleader.  (In both the figurative and literal sense.)

When Ike hooked up with the fiery and charismatic Anna Mae Bullock (Tina Turner) his place in rock history was assured by association if nothing else.  After Tina got sick of the beatings and finally took her talent elsewhere Ike went into semi-obscurity and some hard times.  And I do mean hard time, as in  prison for drug related charges in the late 80's.  He was still trying for parole when he and Tina were inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 1991.  When the movie What's Love Got to do With It? (Ike and Tina's story) came out in 1993 Ike surfaced to deny ever beating Anna Mae.  (I gotta admit that when Laurence Fishburne takes off his cowboy boot in that movie and starts walloping Angela Bassett with it I laughed my ass off at how over the top it was.)   In his 2001 autobiography Ike admits,  "Sure I've slapped Tina...There were times I punched her to the ground without thinking.  But I never beat her."  Thanks for the clarification, Ike, but I wouldn't let that slip in front of the judge.

One of my brushes with fame is when I realized I was Ike's neighbor in North Hollywood when I watched the LAPD lead him out in cuffs for one of his mid-80's coke busts.  All I could think was, "Shit...that's Ike Turner.  No wonder that goddam house was so fucking noisy."

Ike died from cocaine toxicity exacerbated by cardiovascular disease and pulmonary emphysema.  Like I said about Bobby Hatfield.  When you get to be an old guy, ya gotta give up the blow, my brotha'.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Died on this date:

Sam Cooke
Jan. 22, 1931-Dec. 11, 1964
(Age 33)

December.  Bad month for rock deaths.  Rock homicides even more so.  Sam Cooke was one of them.  Immensely talented and good-looking, Sam Cooke defined the term "Soul" singer.

He made his bones in the gospel group The Soul Stirrers before crossing over to pop/soul music when he had 29 Top 40 hits from 1957 to 1964.  "You Send Me", "Wonderful World", "Chain Gang", "Bring it on Home to Me" and my personal favorite "A Change is Gonna Come" were huge hits that brought gospel tinged soul music to a wide and white audience.  Sam Cooke paved the road for the Bobby "Blue" Blands and the Sam and Dave's that followed.

Sam Cooke met his end in a seedy motel in Los Angeles when Sam showed up in the manager's office drunk, distressed and clad only in a sport coat and shoes.  The angry Cooke was looking for the woman he had brought to the motel.  You knew there had to be a woman involved, didn't you?  The manager, Bertha Franklin, denied seeing the woman.  Sam became even more enraged and long story short, Bertha pulls a pistol, bang...bang, and the premier R&B performer of his day is dead on the floor.  A subsequent (and controversial) inquest follows with a verdict of self-defense.

And with that the man becomes the legend.

Unfortunately, there is no live footage of this song, since it was released posthumously.  But, damn, listen to it.  Makes the hair stand up on your arms.

Ladies and Gentleman...
Mr. Sam Cooke

Update:  Say Hey DK has provided a link to a good crime scene photo of Sam Cooke.  Here it is for those so inclined.

Died on this date:

Bettie Page
Pin-up Icon
April 22, 1923-Dec. 11, 2008
(Age 85)

One of my earliest fantasies.  I'm sure I first found pictures of Bettie Page while rooting around in my dad's secret hiding places.  She was one honey of a gal.  The Girl Next Door who just happened to enjoy a good hair brush spanking while wearing high heels, stockings and a garter belt.  Very sexy.

Everything I ever read about Bettie Page revealed her to be actually very sweet and somewhat guileless.  Even in the guilt ridden 50's she seemed to have the attitude of "its just a naked body, what's the big deal?'   Hear, hear.

Bettie didn't want to be photographed in her later years because she always wanted her many fans to remember her as she was in her heyday.  Don't worry, Bettie.  We do.  We do.

From complications of pneumonia.

Wikipedia has a good overview of her life and career.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Died on this date:

Otis Redding
Sept. 9, 1941-Dec. 10, 1967
(Age 26)

One of the greats of 60's R&B.  I wore out every Otis Redding record that I ever had and I had all of them. A voice so soulful and rich it was amazing that it came from a performer who was in his mid-20's.  His posthumous release, "Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay" was his biggest hit, but the earlier stuff is the real R&B gold.  One of a kind.

From a common rock star death.  Small plane crash on the way to a gig.

This video is from the 1966 Stax-Volt European tour.  Yes, that is Booker T. on organ, Al Jackson, Jr. on drums, Duck Dunn on bass and Steve Cropper on guitar.  The horn section is the Mar-Keys.  This is rock history, young'ns.

When I went to high school all they wanted to teach you was boring shit like math and geopraphy.

The NY Daily News calls it "Horndog High."  Is it ever!  Hot on the high-heels of naked lesbian teacher sex in the classroom, James Madison High School has revealed it has another hot little minky on the payroll.

Allison Mussachio.  
Educator and molder of 
hormonal young minds.

Allison Mussachio (Mmmmm, Greek broads) has allegedly had "inappropriate" contact with two male students and now joins steamy lesbos Cindy Mauro and Alini Brtio in the school district chokey which is ironically called the "Rubber Room."*  You gotta love this quote from Allison's (unnamed) boyfriend, "I try to stay out of her business, I just know she's a teacher here in Brooklyn.  She's a good person.  This is a total shock to me.  She keeps herself to herself."  Spoken like a man born to be a clueless cuckold.  There is also no truth to the rumor that a man looking suspiciously like Tiger Woods has been caught lurking around the school trying to get into the Teacher's Lounge.

Godammit.  I want to live my life backward.  You know, like Benjamin Button.  I would probably be just about high school age right now.  Damn, that'd be sweet.

* The Rubber Room is the infamous holding tank for teachers that are either shitty teachers, criminal suspects, perverts, and other human detritus of the New York City education system.  Due to tenure and union protections they can't be fired without a hearing, but the process is so backlogged that they just put these professors of loserdom in a room where they do nothing all day but get paid for it.  There are reportedly hundreds of NYC teachers taking up space there.

Beware of strange Santas with bags of candy.

More "Bad Santa" news.
Dateline:  Parma, OH.

Kids.  Get with the program. 
Real Santas are fat.

An odious kid toucher in a Santa suit was arrested for trying to lure a 12-year old girl behind some bushes. When the girl kept on walking the perverted pedo tried to grab her so she ran into a store and the ersatz Father Christmas vamoosed.

Police finally collared Anthony Russo as the creepy Kris Kringle who was in possession of a bag of candy canes and a unicycle (!!??).  Family members say he is bipolar and delusional.  I'll take their word on that one.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Stop the presses. Something hotter than the Tiger Woods story.

No need to gild the lily.  I'll make it short and sweet.  Lesbian teachers.  Good looking lesbian teachers.  Naked in a classroom.  Having a romp.  Caught by the janitor.  Lordy me, I do believe I'm starting to perspire.

Alini Brito and Cindy Mauro  
Hot teachers hot for each other.
Kids, it doesn't get any better than this. 

The two Brooklyn high school instructors, Alini Brito and Cindy Mauro were teachers of, are you ready for this?  Romance languages.  Spanish and French respectively.  Aye Caramba and Mon Dieu!  All of this took place while the students were watching a talent show in the auditorium.  Kids, I don't care if the Foo Fighters were in the talent show the main event was taking place elsewhere.  Alini Brito is married and there is no word so far on how soon her husband plans on turning this new knowledge of his wife's proclivities into a threesome.

The two have been reassigned pending investigation.

The Funeral Guy has only one question for now.  Why did the janitor turn them in?  Obviously he's never seen a porn movie or he would have known what his proper role in this scenario should have been.

For god's sake, don't show this story to Elin Woods.

When a man gets angry at his significant other and I mean really, really pissed off, he might smack her in the face.  Or stab her.  Or shoot her even.  Do I really have to say that I don't condone any of this stuff?  But some women when they get mad.  They go straight for the love noodle.  I've never heard of a jealous guy putting glue in his lover's vagina.

Najini Narayan.  Ugly as a mud fence.  
Men of Australia BOLO
If seen with lighter fluid and a Bic

Here is the latest member of the Cult of Lorena Bobbitt.  Najini Narayan, put the torch to her husband Satish's genitals.  Well, she must have used a military grade flamethrower because not only did Satish expire from his burns a few weeks later, but the house burned down for good measure.  "I'm a jealous wife, his penis should belong to me.  I just wanted to burn his penis so it would belong to me and no one else...I didn't mean this to happen." explained the batshit crazy spouse.  You just wanted it to belong to you?  As what?  A charred hot dog?  Then what were you going to do?  Put a little Neosporin on it then back to the love nest for sexy time?  Did I mention that this menace to male society is walking around out on bail?  

Najini is not the first to kill her victim in frenzy of joystick abuse.  Remember Bridget Harris?  She didn't want to kill her daddy either even though she cut off his johnson in revenge over alleged incest.  Oh well, its hard to make an omelette without breaking a few eggs, eh?

h/t tbird

A much needed break from the Tiger poon watch.

It is now 12:00 Noon PST and no new Tiger Trollops have surfaced.  I was actually hoping for this not because this isn't more fun than a barrel of masturbating monkeys, but because I personally need a short break from it.  This has not been easy.  I'm running out of different words for erections, penis, sex, whores, boobs, ass, sleaze and all the rest of it.  Maybe tomorrow the unidentifieds will come out of their nunnery and I'll be tanned, rested and ready for more shenanigans.

Muse, give me some stories about people digging up graves and selling them to other people.  How about somebody living with a decomposing corpse for a few years.  Or something about a necrophile or even a weird serial killer.  (That's kind of why I started this site.  The sex stuff just kind of organically evolved.)

Anyway, just out of habit we have these:  Tiger has only a few dislikes when it comes to the ladies.  Women of color.   And shy and retiring.

New photos of Cori Rist (the club crawler) in her scanties. 

Joslyn James in her business attire.  
Posted mainly to show off her classy tats. 

A respectful rebuttal from tbird.

I post tbirds comments as a rebuttal to my assessment of John Lennon's post Beatles career.  Just for the record I find drummer jokes funny as hell.  I stand by what I said in the post.  Just because I'm not a world renowned musician/songwriter doesn't mean my critique isn't valid.  Anyway, most music critics don't have any musical talent themselves.  Probably even less than........drummers.   Haha.  One final thought, drummers might be stupid but there is always at least one woman in the crowd that only wants the drummer.

tbird said...

Hey gang, just to put TFG's thoughts about musician John Lennon's post Beatle career in perspective, remember The Funeral Guy proudly confesses to being, of all things, A DRUMMER!

Some drummer jokes:

What do you call a drummer with half a brain?

Why do drummers have 1/2 ounce more brains than horses?
So they don't disgrace themselves during the parade.

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.

What did the drummer get on his IQ test?

Why do bands have bass players?
To translate for the drummer.

How can you tell a drummer is walking behind you?
You can hear his knuckles dragging on the ground.

What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
You only have to punch the information into the drum machine once.

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They have machines to do that now.

Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in the car?
He had to break a window to get the drummer out!

We know a guy who was so dumb his teacher gave him two sticks and he became a drummer, but lost one and became a conductor.
Q: What do you call a drummer who's lost his girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

A guy wanted to play bass in a band. The band told him, "Okay, but you will have to have 1/3 of your brain removed." So the guy went into surgery. When he woke up, the doctor said, "I'm terribly sorry, but we made a mistake and accidentally removed 3/4's of your brain!" The guy said, "Uh, that's okay. Got some sticks?"
Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So they don't have to retrain the drummers.

How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?
The knock always slows down.

How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?
Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.

If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum.
I asked my drummer to spell "Mississippi"...
He said, "the river or the state?"
How do you know if a drummer's platform is level?
The drool comes out of both sides of his mouth.

For yes, even more go here:

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

She's got a name and a picture so she gets added to the Tiger Woods sniz list.

Other sites have the tally at 11 (3 unidentifieds) while we have her as #8 because The Funeral Guy does not give credence to the "unidentifieds" and the "un-photographed".  Mainly because what's the fun in that?  If you want to make the list identify yourself and please supply the media a salacious picture.

Okey-dokey?  On with the show.  And heeeeeeeere she is.  IT'S ANOTHER PORN STAR!

Ladies and Gentlemen.  Meet Joslyn James.  My trusty search engines for these kinds of things shows me that Joslyn is pretty much an anything goes kind of gal.  Backdoor, DP's, interracial (duh!) the whole shebang (Tee hee).   She also has horrible tattoos and breast implants the size of dirigibles just like Holly Sampson.

Joslyn James. 
I wonder if Tiger got a spanking with that yardstick. 
Goodness knows he needs one. 

If all this is true (and the undentifieds become identified) I don't see how Tiger survives.  I don't mean his career, I mean his life.  The pancake house waitress, Whatshername, (who can even keep track anymore?) says that Bone Daddy Woods never ever- as in not even once- used a condom.  If that was the case with all these tramps then Tiger most likely has a virulent septic sewer in his pants.  If Elin decides to keep the mansion I know some good crime scene biohazard clean-up crews that should be able to get all the microbes and pathogens out of the house in about a month.

Died on this date:

John Winston Lennon
Oct. 9, 1940-Dec. 8, 1980
(Age 40)

John Lennon was the rocker to Paul McCartney's crooner.  These styles blended as well in their songwriting making them the most successful tunesmiths in modern music history.  Without a doubt the foundation of the most amazing rock group the world will ever see.  The phenomenon of Beatlemania will not be repeated as it was the perfect storm of demography, maturation of media, and the natural exuberance of the 60's.  It is fair to say that John Lennon and the Beatles were what made me go for broke in the rock and roll biz.  (And broke I ended up.  Haha.)

That being said, I am again about to commit boomer apostasy.  (My post on Janis Joplin is here.)  In my opinion, and I know it is a minority one, John Lennon should have hung up the gloves after the Beatles broke up.  Yes, I said it.  A great deal of Lennon's musical demise I blame, of course, on Yoko Ono.  I bet the other Beatles agree with me on this.  I hated all that Plastic Ono Band shit.  I hated the Bed-In for Peace and all that hippie dippie crapola that John Lennon, backbeat rocker extraordinaire, became the poster boy for.  (My love for hippies is expressed here.)  The Phil Spector produced album Rock & Roll was a rare beam of light in a murky swamp of boring "Woman is the Nigger of the World" simplistic political rant music.  Do I even have to mention Imagine?  The anthem of pimply, dreamy-eyed doofuses since 1971.  Easily my vote for the worst song in the history of mankind.  OK, maybe She Bang by William Hung is worse but not by much.

Lennon retired from the music scene around 1976 to help raise his son, Sean, before returning to record the Double Fantasy album with wife, Yoko.  Double Fantasy has a few highlights but that's about it. But by then Lennon's iconic status was so carved in granite that anything he put out was met with breathless, and in my opinion, witless praise.

John Lennon did not die a typical rock star death.  As everyone knows he was murdered by psycho Catcher in the Rye obsessed stalker Mark David Chapman in front of his Dakota apartment building.

From multiple gunshot wounds.

Here is one of John Lennon's best rock vocals.

Irony alert:  "Dimebag" Darrell Abbott, co-founder and influential guitarist of heavy metal band Pantera was murdered by gunshot while onstage on this same date in 2004.

Or you could give them a respectful burial.

12 weird things to do with your cremated remains.

There's always the option of putting them on the mantle 
in a life-like reproduction of the deceased's head.  

This is funny!

Really busy this morning so here is a contribution from our ol' friend tbird.  Sketchy Santas.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Died on this date:

2402 Innocent People 
at Pearl Harbor
December 7, 1941

From a Japanese sneak attack on a Sunday morning.  The next day America entered WWII.  We should never forget that we always need to be vigilant when it comes to our freedom.  Remember Pearl Harbor. 

No mystery meat here at The Funeral Guy.

I've been somewhat perplexed by the exact number of doxies in Colonel Tiger's pussy platoon.  The list that I'm going with is the seven that I listed in this post.  I did notice that I was remiss by not posting a photo of the Vegas nightclub marketing manager Kalika Moquin.  Well here she is.

How could I have left her out? 
Look at those knockers.

The reason that the list gets as high as nine is because two are unnamed.

Unnamed Woman #1  A 26 year-old waitress from Ontario

Unnamed Woman #2  A London based broadcaster that the London Sun called a "cougar".

We at The Funeral Guy run a pretty tight ship.  No name.  No photo.  You're not on the list, Beeetches.

This is a serious story and we'll treat it as such.  (Tee hee.)

Even a guy like Tiger Woods is going to bogie a hole every once in a while.

They'll be a whole lot of talk about Mindy Lawton after more people get a load of her lengthy Penthouse letter of a story in the UK News of the World.   ("I never thought this kind of thing would happen to me...")

Mindy Lawton.
Rumor has it she was also a groupie for Lynard Skynard.

I suggest you read the whole thing but the gist of it is nasty, grinding, furtive, hot, rough, hair-pulling sexy times.  After a week and a half of looking at the sexy little numbers on the Tiger Woods hot banging playlist, I'm afraid I gotta mark Mindy down as a closest-donut-on-the-platter fuck. (She was waitressing near his mansion.)   Guys?  Can we agree we've all been pretty knocked out by the consistent hotness laced with that perfect whiff of skankitude on display with the bevy of beaver in the Tiger harem?  I don't wish to be unkind but I would bet that Tiger wasn't the first customer Mindy's had a quickie knee-trembler with up against a car in the parking lot.  On the other hand, I do give points for waitress sex.  In my rock and roll days I had a hashish loaded one-nighter with a White Castle carhop.  The smell of steaming onions never fails to bring back the foggy, sweet memory.

Mindy sounds a little upset that she didn't become Mrs. Woods the Second, but good sport that she is she does give him props for being well-endowed and a hot fuck.  Good free advertising for the future adventures of the Woodster.  When I played club gigs I used to sneak into the ladies room and write those same words on the toilet stalls with my hotel and room number.

Bonus question:  What is the unvarying constant in Tiger's choice of women?
If you need a hint, ask a "Sistah".

I can't wait to wake up tomorrow to see who else has made the list.

h/t tbird

Mystery solved.

Adolph Hitler.  
On top of everything else, a kid-toucher.

Whatever happened to Hitler's remains?

The KGB had them burned along with Eva Braun and Joseph Goebbels' family then dumped in an East German river in April 1970, according to this story.

The Russian leaders were afraid that graves might one day attract Nazi sympathizers.  In light of recent history I think that was prescient.

New Tiger Woods skank surfaces. This is really fun!

The new one is a porn star.  I give two boners-up for that.  I have her as #7, others are calling her #9.  I have other things to do today but I'll double check and get back to you.

Holly Sampson #7

At some point doesn't this start to get a little embarrassing for the Woods family?

Update:  OK.  I think it's seven. 
Rachel Uchitel-nightclub hostess 
Jaimee Grubbs-cocktail waitress/reality show skank
Kalika Moquin-Vegas nightclub marketing manager
Mindy Lawton-pancake house waitress
Jamie Junger-lingerie model
Cori Crist-nightclub crawler
Holly Sampson-porn star

Damn, dude.  Awesome.

Update: I just searched the usual places and saw Holly Sampson in performance.  Seems to specialize in MILF porn.  OK technique, but horrible, horrible bolt-on, cartoon-sized balloon breasts.  Yuck.   

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Just in case you're keeping count.

Tiger babes number 5 & 6 have just made their appearance.

Jamie Jungers  #5

Cori Rist  #6

Nice, hot little blondes.  Damn.  That Tiger must have had a doppelganger to do the golfing.  This man was way too busy fucking to be at all those tournaments.  

The thought of going to Copenhagen for the climate summit is starting to give me a case of global warming...In my pants!

As you probably know the world will be saved next week because all of the muckety-mucks are going to plant their gigantic carbon footprint in Copenhagen in service to the Goddess Gaia.  Yes, the global warming climate change it's-too-fucking-hot-out convention will be coming to town and as with any convention you know what that means.  Whores.  (God bless 'em.)

Danish whores practicing a tag-team 
handjob on one of the local light poles.

Not so fast, says Copenhagen Mayor, Ritt Bjerreagaard.  (Try saying that fast three times, whew.)  The tight-ass mayor (who's a chick by the way) sent postcards saying "Be sustainable-don't buy sex." to the local hotels in an effort to discourage what only comes natural.  First of all, what the fuck does that even mean?  "Be sustainable-don't buy sex"?  The only sustainability anybody is going to be worrying about is sustaining a boner addled by the prodigious boozing that will be needed after listening to seminar filled days of Al Gore clones droning on about greenhouse gases.

As you can imagine the good trollops of Copenhagen are not taking this lying down.  (Tee hee.)  So what's their answer to this call to arms?  Free pussy to anyone who can produce one of the postcards.  Whoopeee!!  Somebody get me to a Kinko's chop-chop.


In other Green Worship news, our California governor "Ahnold" Schwarzenegger, aka "The Governator" will be moving next year from the clueless bubble of Sacramento back to the clueless bubble of Hollywood.  In what can only be seen as a move to suck back up to his liberal movie pals, The Austrian Oak revealed a map which showed that WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!   The good news?  San Francisco is gonna be first.

The Governator demonstrates how we will personally use 
his huge steroid enhanced mitt to pull Treasure Island 
from its watery grave after the big flood.

For fucksy sake, Arnold.  Didn't you get the memo?  The whole thing is a scam and a sham.  A fraud and a fake.  A shuck and jive swindle on a global scale.  I guess Arnie and his Dem friends in the legislature can't think of a faster way to sink the California economy, so they'll tell us that we are going to physically sink in the ocean if we don't waste more money on Green nonsense.

Is this the nightmare that drives 
Ahnold's fear of Global Warming? 

Can we do a recall of the recall and get Gray Davis back?