Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Not a headline you see every day.

Three named Robert Stark Higgins.  Possible serial killer 
or just a garden variety douchebag in a shit suit?

I don't know what it is about Florida but their license plates shouldn't read, Florida: The Sunshine State.  I would suggest, Florida: Home of Serial Killers and Other Weird Shit.

Anyhoo.  Speaking of weird shit.  Police are charging a 21 year-old who while covered in feces jumped into somebody's pool.  None of the charges are specific to being covered in crap and jumping in a pool, which just goes to prove that when you're legislating behavior it's hard to think of everything.  The poops...sorry, the perp's name is Robert Stark Higgins. (Uh-oh.  There's the three name thing again.  He's most likely a serial killer in addition to being a shit coated pool jumper.)   Unanswered questions are: who's mookie stink was it?  How much was he covered with? (Head-to-toe or just smears).  And who threw him the soap before he was let out of the pool and into the squad car?

Police are saying that Mr. Higgins had apparently been drinking.  Well, duh.  But I don't find that to be an excuse.  In my inebriated party days I may have woken up in some strange places, with some strange women even.  But not once, and I'll take a polygraph on this, was I ever painted in poo poo.

FYI: Weird Florida News yields 15,400,000 hits on Google.

h/t Drudge

Died on this date:

James Dean
Feb. 8, 1931-Sept. 30, 1955
(Age 24)

James Dean.  The defining image of 50's cool.

On the basis of only three starring roles James Dean became one of Hollywood's most enduring icons.  The fact that he died so young added greatly to his legend.  (Live fast, die young and leave a beautiful corpse.)  His charismatic portrayals of angst ridden teenagers in Rebel Without a Cause and East of Eden made him an overnight star.  He was the first actor in Academy Award history to receive a posthumous nomination for  East of Eden in 1955 and was also nominated for Giant in 1956.

Dean, a racing enthusiast, was on his way to compete in a race in Salinas, California when his Porsche 550 Spyder was involved in a head on collision.  James Dean was pronounced dead on arrival at Paso Robles War Memorial Hospital from massive blunt force trauma.

Ironically, all of the young stars of Rebel Without a Cause would die untimely deaths.  James Dean, in a car wreck at 24.  Sal Mineo was stabbed to death in 1976 at age 37.  Natalie Wood died in an accidental drowning off Santa Catalina Island in 1981 at the age of 43.

Here is a video tribute to James Dean. 

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

I hear they might be hiring at Wal-Mart.

Turn your hat around fool, you're 32 years old for God's sake.

Jon Gosselin has been downsized.  His name is off the marquee (the show is now renamed Kate plus 8) and he's only scheduled for occasional appearances.   This means he will soon be burnt toast as far as the show is concerned.  Stevie Wonder could have seen this one coming.

I don't know what it is but I'm fascinated by this trainwreck and I've never actually watched an entire episode.  (Posts here and here.)  Short clips from The Soup and gossip on the interwebs are about all I can take.

Let's put aside the fact that the eight kids will be in therapy and rehab for years after these two horrors get through with them.  The focus of my curiosity is on the two adults.  When it became apparent that the marriage was going south, I think the audience just felt sorry for the whole situation.  Anyone with half a brain could see that Kate was a control freak ball buster and that Jon was a pussy whipped doofus.  Be that as it may, they were surely smart enough to see that pimping out the family was going to bring in the biggest paycheck they were ever going to see.  All they had to do was look sad, pretend that they were working on the marriage, struggle with the kids emotions and the gravy train would just keep on rolling.

Where it all really started to go wrong was, of course, with Jon.  Jon is a guy.  Jon is a guy with a little bit of fame.  Jon is a guy with just enough fame that C grade attention whores throw themselves at him and give his ego a boost.  I can understand this.  Any man can understand this.  I can only imagine what a succubus like Kate would make this guy go through just to get a ride in the sack.  And all those kids?  Folks, this was a recipe for the middle age crazies two decades early.

Once Jon started gracing the tabloids with the young trim it was all over.  It didn't matter if Kate made Lady Macbeth look like Mother Theresa.  Once the still married "family man" started acting like a spring break pussy hound the audience turned on him like a junkyard pit bull.  And by audience I mean women.  TLC is the network of What Not To Wear and Say Yes To The Dress not Ice Road Truckers and Gangland.

Jon, once you started acting like a real guy you were doomed to get the heave-ho.  Kate might be a royal pain in the ass bitch, but she's still in The Sisterhood.  Checkmate.  You lose.

It's all fun and games until your guy is in charge.

Just like Afghanistan is the war that all liberals wanted to fight, showing military caskets was absolutely necessary to document the "cost of war."  (Ever notice that liberals always want to fight every war except the one we're actually fighting?)  Now that Afghanistan is starting to slog down and the war in Iraq can't be used to beat George Bush about the head all of a sudden the interest is...well, not so much.

Byron York nails the hypocrisy.

Forget backpacks. Be on the alert for bearded guys with turbans and constipated expressions.

In a new wrinkle in the terrorism war, Al Qaeda suicide bombers are taking a lesson from the drug smuggling trade and hiding explosives in their body cavities.  (That's up the ass for those of you with less delicate sensibilities.)
Terrorist Abdullah Asieri 

Simple.  Anybody at a checkpoint that looks like this with a pained expression on his face gets a full cavity search 
with a garden weasel.

Al Qaeda operative Abdullah Aseiri managed get next to Prince Mohammed Bin Nayef, head of Saudi counter terrorism operations, with one pound of explosives and a detonator up his pooper.  Ouch, my butthole's starting to pucker just thinking about it.  Then with a cell phone signal to the detonator....KABOOOOOM!!!   Fortunately the Prince survived the blast with minor injuries, a face full of shadooky and one hell of a dry cleaning bill.  I will assume that Abdullah met his 72 virgins as nothing more than a big pile of goo.  (Maybe in that culture that's considered handsome.)

Experts are warning that this form of attack is very hard to defend against.  I'll say.  Anybody that is willing to shove a full pound of C4 and a detonator up his butt is a formidable foe indeed.

Maybe Al Qaeda recruits from their "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" brigade.

Hey, Achmed.  You'll probably want to avoid that
 lamb and falafel dinner after packing this baby in your keister. 

On second thought.

Yesterday I dashed off a post noting a couple of events in an otherwise slow news day.  In commenting about Roman Polanski I was rather flip about just letting the whole thing pass since the victim had been paid off and has no desire to see Polanski punished.

After reading and refreshing myself on the details of the crime I want to go on record that I'm all for extraditing Polanski to the US and going ahead with his long avoided punishment.  I must admit that my desire for justice ratcheted up a couple of notches after reading about the entertainment elite that are petitioning for Polanski's release. (Note the ironic touch of having Woody Allen on board as a signatory.  These people really do live on another planet.)  Read the plea transcript from The Smoking Gun.  Or this devastating reminder from Salon's Kate Harding of the sick perversity of the crime against -let's not forget- a 13 year old girl. I'd forgotten the details and they are sickening.  This wasn't a statutory rape because of the girl being underage.  This would have been a prosecutable rape if she'd been 31 years old instead of 13.

So, on further reflection, hang the cost, bring this shitbag home and let him face the music.  He should have taken his medicine 33 years ago when slap on the wrist celebrity justice was more the fashion.  It may have taken awhile but the audience for these farces have finally had enough.  So put him in the dock, sentence him, then let him share a cell with Phil Spector.  He can fill Roman in on the way it is now.

After all, he's been out of town for a while.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Does Yom Kippur make for a slow news day? (Maybe the Jews do run everything. I really don't have to say I'm kidding, do I?)

The news today is excruciatingly boring.   President "Do Everything But Work" Obama is giant carbon footprinting off to Copenhagen to shill for his hometown of Chicago to get the 2016 Olympics.  Well, that's certainly more fun than having Ahmadinejad give you another atomic wedgie.

Oh yeah, Roman Polanski was arrested for skipping out of his sentencing on a 33 year old rape conviction.  He paid off the victim years ago and she says she just wants it all to go away so that's pretty much good enough for me.  We can still stipulate that he's a scumbag raper of adolescent girls, however.

 No deaths at work this weekend so in my boredom I've been surfing the interwebs and have come up with just about zilch.  Although I did find a good article on G-spot stimulation.  Nothing to comment about it except, look out, Mrs. Funeral Guy.

I did find this photo interesting.

This is Miss Dita Von Teese.  She is a retro ecdysiast.  That's an old school exotic dancer for you non-crossword puzzlers out there.  Anyway, what makes the photo interesting (outside of her lovely bosom, of course) is the ladylike way she is exiting the car.  Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, and Britney Spears can't perform this same simple task without flashing their coochies for all the world to see.  And hey, if it's right there we'll look, won't we guys?

But Miss Dita, the stripper, can manage to get out of the vehicle looking as demure as Queen Elizabeth.  Bravo.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Died on this date:

Robert Palmer
Jan. 19, 1949-Sept. 26, 2003
(Age 54)

Great Singer.  Snappy Dresser.

I became a big fan of Robert Palmer with the 1975 release of his second album on Island Records Pressure Drop.  I loved his voice, his style, and his whole slap-funk-reggae-blue eyed soul vibe. 

I saw him at the Terrace Theatre in Long Beach in 1979.  Really cool venue.  3000 seater with no bad sight lines and great acoustics.  He killed and the girls went crazy over him.  (Being a great looking guy in a sharp suit didn't hurt.) The audience was not the usual rock crowd and the chicks were dressed to the nines.  Great show, good times.  

In my opinion he never got the acclaim that he deserved.  Robert Palmer died way too young at 54 from a heart attack.  

Ladies and Gentlemen...
Robert Palmer

Friday, September 25, 2009

Three Quick Crime Hits As We Go Into The Weekend.

The first one is a local Southland story.  They dubbed this a "Thelma and Louise" crime spree.  For six days these two (who met in prison in Chowchilla-Big shock) were carjacking, armed robbing, purse-snatching and God only knows what else until they were finally run to ground by LAPD coppers.

Thelma and Louise??!!  
The movie versions of Thelma and Louise 
were foxy and doable.  
These two?  I'll paraphrase another movie title.  
How about Butch and Butcher
(The one on the right is NOT A DUDE!)

This next story is from Sweden and involves a German truck driver who flipped over and crashed his rig.  In addition to being under the influence of narcotics the driver admitted to the local polisen that he was also distracted by the fact that he was boxing his goofy when the wreck occurred.  I'm not going to call this an accident since being high and playing with yourself while driving almost guaranties a bad outcome.  I'm also not going to lay this all off on eurotrash truckers.  I'm sure we in America have highways full of onanistic drivers.  Have you ever seen the vast array of porn on sale in truck stops?

Anyway, back to the best part of the story.  Apparently since the wreck interrupted our goatish trucker  before completion, the horny little devil went back to playing with his giggle stick while being questioned by authorities.

This being Sweden I'm actually surprised they found this behavior to be newsworthy.

Hard to have a serious interrogation 
with a guy that's making his "O" face.

Ok.  Last one.  I've posted about animal diddlers before.  Here we have a Moorestown, NJ cop (A COP!) accused of cruelty to animals.  Like a lot of states, New Jersey has no specific prohibition against bestiality.  Robert Melia (since suspended) was accused of putting his peenie into the mouths of five calfs in rural Southhampton in 2006.  In what must have been a hysterically funny hearing straight out of Alice in Wonderland, the prosecutor and judge were bandying about whether a grand jury could find that the calfs were "tormented" or "puzzled" by the situation.  The situation being that they had something vaguely teat-like in their mouth but weren't getting any milk.  (Insert your own joke here.)  The prosecutor even related the the cows owner said that they (meaning the cows) were "very upset" about the incident.  So after much back and forth and to and fro...gavel down...Case Dismissed.

Just as an aside.  I  consider myself a pretty worldly guy but I gotta admit I'm at kind of at a loss with this kind of stuff.  I was a city boy.  Don't cows (or calfs) have teeth?  It seems pretty risky putting your one and only love pole in an animal's mouth.  Or does that add to the thrill?  But again, I'm relatively uninformed in this area.

But on with our story.  Bob's troubles don't end there, I'm afraid.  It seems that Melia along with his girlfriend Heather Lewis (now ex-girlfriend) are charged with sexually assaulting three young girls and a boy over a five year period.  The obligatory kiddie porn was found on his computer along with videos of him and the cows.

With some guys it's just one thing after another.

Robert Melia. Inter-species deviant.
Heather Lewis.  A face that drives men to bovine blow jobs.


Susan Denise Atkins 
aka Sadie Mae Glutz 
Heinous Murderer
May 7, 1948-September 24, 2009
(Age 61)

Manson family member.  Taunted Sharon Tate while she stabbed her and her unborn baby to death.  Should have been executed years ago.  Died in prison from complications of brain cancer.

No mercy for them.  No tears for you.

I doubt if anyone is shedding any tears.  I'm certainly not.

Died on this date:

John Henry "Bonzo" Bonham
 Led Zeppelin Drummer
May 31, 1948-Sept. 25, 1980
(Age 32)

There isn't a rock drummer alive who when asked to name the top 5 drummers of all time doesn't put John Bonham on the list.  It's impossible to discuss Bonham's contributions to rock drumming without using the words God, Monster or Thunderous.  When you listened to Bonham play you had one of two reactions.  I'm going to woodshed my ass off to be half the drummer this guy is.  Or.  Fuck it, I quit.  Bonzo's style was so distinctive and so integral to the Led Zeppelin sound that upon his death Jimmy Page, Robert Plant, John Paul Jones and everybody else in the world knew it was all over.  The band packed it in.

Bonzo died the quintessential rock star death.  Choking on his own vomit after a Herculean night of drinking.

Fortunately, his memory and music live on.

Ladies and Gentlemen...
John Henry Bonham.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

The fun quiz of the day. (I'd love to see Mick Jagger's score on this.)

Here's a story in The (U.K.) Independent.  Lloyds Pharmacy has an online calculator that will figure out how many direct and indirect sex partners you've had.  I'm assuming this is a way to get their condom sales up.  (Tee hee.)  You can try it here.  Come on, girls, be honest.  It is cleverly called Sex Degrees of Separation.  I myself think that The Slut-o-Meter has a little more pizzaz.

That being said, I find myself somewhat chagrined to reveal that when I filled in my numbers this came up.

We are unable to perform this calculation.

Oh, great.  In this age of technological wonders, my sex partner number crashes the computer.  Now in my defense I did a lot of touring as a rock musician from the mid 60's to the early 80's, so I did have a steady, pre-AIDS diet of rock & roll girls like this one.  The phrase "shooting fish in a barrel" comes to mind.  Hey, sue me, it was a different time.

Yep.  That's The Funeral Guy on the left.

Since my number was too whopping to calculate it's entirely possible that somewhere back in the sex degrees of separation chain, in the hazy fog of the Free Love epoch, I had sex with these two.


Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Maybe in my memoir I'll reveal my decade long necrophilic affair with my dead grandmother.

Mackenzie Phillips, for those of you born after the 80's, is the daughter of "Papa" John Phillips, founding member, songwriter and all around driving force behind the 60's mega-hit making group The Mamas and the Papas.  He was also a unquenchable drug addict and alcoholic of awe inspiring proportions.  I remember reading his autobiography, Papa John, and thinking that he made Hunter Thompson look like Carrie Nation.  (She was a world famous temperance scold for those of you who slept through history class.)  Papa John died in 2001 at age 65 which was probably long past his expiration date considering the years of prodigious drug and alcohol abuse which continued even after a liver transplant.

Mackenzie has her own just released memoir titled High on Arrival where she talks about how she was also a raging drug addict.  Like father, like daughter and not big news since she was publicly fired from her sitcom One Day At A Time a couple of times in the early 80's for being so loaded she was passing out at rehearsals.  She remained tabloid fodder for some time after that as she went in and out and in and out of rehab.

So how does a has-been actress/singer with no career bring a little buzz to yet another (yawn) drugged out celebrity memoir.  How indeed?  Well, how about revealing to the world that during the 80's you consensually fucked your dad for the better part of the decade.  Talk about pegging the needle on the yuck meter.  Whoo boy, that sure got folks to take notice.  As a matter of fact, it's been the hottest topic of the interwebs all day.  Half-sister Chynna backs up the story, while step-momma Michelle says Mackenzie is about as full of shit as someone who's spent most of her life comatose on narcotics can be.

John and Mackenzie.  A love story.

So.  We come down to two possibilities.  One, the story is bullshit.  If it's bullshit it's about as cynical and desperate as you can get and the sign of a world class money grubbing famewhore.  Or two, the story is true.  In that case why in the hell would you want the world to know that you were banging your father?  I know this is a confessional culture, but holy shit, keep this kind of depravity between you and your therapist.  I know that it's hard for celebrities in recovery to be completely anonymous but shouldn't it be possible-and wise- to keep some things to yourself?  Or is Mackenzie Phillips so delusional that she thinks she is helping some vast throng of women that have been willingly schtupping their daddies for ten years.


Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Hey Mrs. Fashion Plate...does the word "inappropriate" ring a bell?

Here is our First Lady who we are told ad nauseum is polished, beautiful, and the epitome of all that is chic and fashionable.  And with such well-toned arms, no less!  The event that the President and Mrs. Clotheshorse are attending happens to be a posthumous Medal of Honor Ceremony.  You know, one of those events to honor a soldier that has laid down his life for his country.  Sorta like a Memorial Service or even kinda like a funeral.  While I'm not suggesting that Mrs. Obama needed to don a black veil and widow's weeds, this festive little frock with the green shoes seems just a tad inappropriate.  Or is it just me?

"After this boring ass thing is over,
 Barack and I are goin' out dancin'."

I have to admit because I direct funerals I'm probably a little more particular than most about what proper mourning attire may be.  You can always count on some deceased's granddaughter thinking that Nana's funeral is a good place to go whoring around in a tight black mini and crop top like she in 'da club.  All the better in case someone hasn't had a chance to admire her new tramp stamp.

I was doing one service and was trying to round up the pallbearers so I could give them their gloves and pin on their boutonnieres, when up walks this schlub.  He was the grandson of the deceased and, of course, was wearing a T-shirt.  (Ever try pinning a boutonniere on a T-shirt?)  Not just any T-shirt but one he picked up in Vegas.  I'm sure you've seen them.  A promo for some downscale casino with a picture of some zaftig broad on the front.  And the slogan?  Oh, what the heck...a picture's worth a thousand words.

Yes.  This T-shirt.  At a funeral.  A Catholic funeral.  For his grandmother.  And he's a pallbearer.  With white gloves and a carnation.

Oh well, I gotta say that at least color-wise it's a little more subtle than Michelle's dress.

From a recently unearthed family album.

Most people didn't know that 
Jon and Kate Gosselin
 were in fact childhood sweethearts.

When I needs to get my drink on...I needs to get my drink on.

Check out these two jamokes.  Tina and Bryan Vannoy left their four month old tot in the backseat of their BMW while they continued to get shitfaced at the Reel Martini Bar in Omaha.   The bartenders got suspicious when they spotted the baby bottle that mom-of-the-year Tina brought into the bar.  It was also noted by the bartenders that the Vannoys were toasted when they arrived which means the sweet baboo was treated to a drunken Mr. Toads Wild Ride on the way to the tavern. The authorities were duly notified and the watering hole lost a couple of good customers.

Just 'cause ya got a beamer don't mean you ain't white trash. 
(Bryan's wonky eye is telling me his mom might be his sister.)

I'm wondering if perhaps we're being a little too judgmental of the Vannoys.  Maybe they're just part of the "free range kid" movement.  Sure, most of those folks wait until their kids are somewhat older and more cognitive before they start letting them explore the world without parental hovering, but at four months how much trouble can a kid get into anyway?

As long as the car door was locked, what's the problem?

Monday, September 21, 2009

Omabamania...At the Emmys!

Hollywood folks who for the most part are clueless narcissists, obviously haven't gotten the word that their hero's agenda is crashing and burning among the majority of normal Americans.   Hence, this actress, Victoria Rowell (who I wouldn't know if I tripped over her) decided to piss off at least half her audience who are not Obama fans.  Smooth move, babe.

This dress looks like it was made from a tablecloth that 
you can buy at the Obama memorabilia shop.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Day trips for insane murderers. An idea whose time has come.

Phillip Arnold Paul. 
 One flew over the cuckoo's nest.  FOR REALS!!

Eastern State Hospital in Washington state seems to think that their patients, described in this story as "criminally insane", are good candidates for field trips to county fairs and such.  You know, kinda like the Make-A-Wish Foundation for homicidal maniacs.  Apparently, Phillip Arnold Paul (there's that three name murderer thing again) slipped off the balloon they had tied to his wrist and left his other psycho playmates at the fair and went off to parts unknown.  He's been the subject of a massive manhunt for the last two days.  Authorities are hoping they can catch him before his meds wear off and his mental state starts to get a little dicey.  We're with 'ya on that one, coppers.

And why was Phillip Arnold Paul in Eastern State Hospital, you say?  Good question.  He murdered an elderly woman in 1987 then soaked her in gasoline and buried her in her garden, that's all.  One person dead?  Small potatoes by today's standards, so off to the booby hatch for Mr. Paul.  What are ya?  One of those death penalty barbarians?

Come on.  Everybody needs a break.  What better place than the Spokane County fair.  It's not like he'd be around kids or families or old ladies or anything.

Update:  Monday September 21, 2009.  Mr. Paul has been captured about 200 miles away from where he escaped from the fair.  I'll assume he was hungry due to the fact that he probably ran out of corn dogs and funnel cakes 2 days ago.  

Whatever happened to "What I did over summer vacation."

Class.  Today we'll be talking about S & M fetishes. 
(I'll use any excuse to run this picture.)

This story from New Hampshire is really off the wall.  I love hot teacher stories and even have one of my own from when I was a teenage laddie.  But I'm having a hard time figuring what this teacher's point was.  I mean write an essay entitled "If you knocked your brother down, would you urinate in his mouth?"!!!???   I suppose we should appreciate the delicacy of not using the word "piss", but where in the hell was she going with this?

Sample essay:

If I knocked my brother down my next attack on his dignity would be to urinate in his mouth.  Why?  Because he's a little bitch, that's why.  After I urinated in his mouth I would put a ball gag on him and one of those leather masks like "Thing" in Pulp Fiction.  Then I would tie him up and cut his head off and bury the body before my parents got home.
The End.

Very good, Johnny.   A++

Was this a subconcious projection to let the guys know that teach is up for some "Golden Shower" action?  When I was in school (granted a long time ago) I honestly don't think a teacher in the classroom would have said the word "shit" if her mouth was full of it.  I like how she is now being monitored by the administrators to make sure her assignments are more appropriate.  "Yes,  Miss Appleby.  Could you keep your essay topics more in line with sexual practices that are enjoyed by normal heterosexual people?  Thank you."

My, my, how times have changed.

h/t The Corner

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Gives new meaning to the phrase "Blow it out your ass!"

Boy Killed By Anal Penetrating Chair
A 14 year old Chinese boy was killed after his chair exploded into his rectum. Metal from the chair caused internal bleeding and sadly lead to his death.
Bravely, the fatally injured boy managed to ring his father despite being in horrific pain.
This is the first fatality caused by a chair exploding.
The “killer chair” [see picture above] was a common gas-cylinder-based office chair. Most chairs on the market today use gas cylinders and most are created in China.
Back in 2007, a similar incident lead to a metal part being forced into the rear of a 68-year-old man but luckily he survived the ordeal.

Death: Photographic Studies Part 2

For my readers that are fans of the this kind of thing.  (See original post)  Here are more of the Memento Mori: death photographs from the Victorian Era.  Fairly large collection on this one.  Fascinating.

There is undoubtedly quite a story behind this picture.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

The headline is weird but that's not the half of it.

Now this would be an interesting headline all on it's own.  But hey, kiddies, there's more.  What these two 44 year olds (that's middle aged to you and me) were doing in the dumpster is the best part.  Were they victims of this cruel economy and looking for some chow?  No.  Hoping to maybe find a birthday gift for their own woeful Tiny Tim?  No.  These low rent lovers were fucking.  IN A DUMPSTER.  
Get those pants off, Baby.  
I need something to overcome the smell in here.  

I just checked the temperature for Wichita, KS for the date in question.  The high temp was 79 degrees.  Insuring a nice ripe smell to the proceedings, I can only imagine.   

h/t Drudge

Monday, September 14, 2009

Best Picture Yet From the Weekend Protest.

Oh, Behave!!!!

Now that's a czar 
we can all get behind.  
And in front of.

This just in...Died today.

Jody Powell
Press Secretary for Jimmy Carter
Sept. 30, 1943-Sept. 14, 2009
(Age 65)

Portrait of a man with a thankless job.

Jody Powell was the unfortunate Press Secretary for the entire one term of the hapless Jimmy Carter.
The. Worst. President. Ever.

(Somebody will be writing these same words about Robert Gibbs and Barack Obama in about 40 years.)

From an apparent heart attack.

This just in...sad but not unexpected news.

Patrick Swayze
Actor, Dancer
Aug. 18, 1952-Sept. 14, 2009
(Age 57)

Patrick Swayze 
Requiescat in pace.

Patrick Swayze starred in the two ultimate chick flicks, Dirty Dancing (1987) and Ghost (1990).  He was ably redeemed, however, in the eyes of male moviegoers with two great guilty pleasures, Road House (1989) and Point Break (1991). 

I don't remember Patrick Swayze making a tabloid fool out himself and I don't believe he ever got on a soapbox about what a crappy country he lived in.  He just entertained people and lived his life.  God bless him and his family.   

From complications of pancreatic cancer. 

News Flash...Kayne West is a major league asshole.

  Kayne West doing his best to attract fellow alien life forms 
by carving crop circles in his big stupid noggin.  

I know this story has been done to death but The Funeral Guy was busy dealing with the deaths that happened over the weekend, so just a few thoughts. 
First.  Can you imagine if some white rock and roll guy grabbed the mike out of, oh say, Beyonce's hand and started ranting about how Taylor Swift got screwed out of the award?  The "Reverend" Al Sharpton would have flown there on a Gulfstream g650 before the broadcast was over. 
Second.  If I was Taylor Swift's father I would take a lead pipe to the head of that ig'nant asswipe that shit all over my little girl's big moment. 
Third.  It's to the credit of the audience at the MTV Video Music Awards that they booed this astonishing display of juvenile look-at-me behavior.  (Even more since I would assume the majority of the people in attendance are narcissists of the first order.)  Nice spontaneous gesture to be sure.  They'll be kissing his ass by next week to work with him. 
Lastly.  Does MTV even air music videos anymore?

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Rumors I hear but you didn't hear it from me.

More prosty videos are going to surface in the ACORN fiasco.  If this is true then the higher ups at  ACORN are clinically insane for keeping this story alive by suing FOX News for supposedly doctoring the tapes.  FOX hatred is proving to be as debilitating as Bush hatred.

The legacy media has already been completely embarrassed (if they are capable of such a thing) by the fact that two twenty-something amateurs have eaten their lunch on this story.  If there is more to come then they might as well just give up the charade of independence and move their operations into the White House.   

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Fascinating...Tibetan sky burial.

I'm just going to provide a link for these photos because they are not for everybody, i.e. the squeamish.

The reason for this form of disposition is both practical and religious.  The ground is hard in Tibet and wood is not plentiful making burial or cremation impractical.  Buddhists believe that the body is merely a vessel and after death has little meaning.  Ashes to ashes, dust to dust in it's own way, but disturbing to most western sensibilities.

The vultures will give you a hint.

To see the photo series go here.  
More information from Wikipedia.  

Not to get to heavy for a lazy Saturday but in honor of the Tea Party protesters.

Quote chain from LyfLines blog:

If you want a vision of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face - forever.
George Orwell

Wherever there is a jackboot stomping on a human face there will be a well-heeled Western liberal to explain that the face does, after all, enjoy free health care and 100 percent literacy.
John Derbyshire

One-party autocracy certainly has its drawbacks. But when it is led by a reasonably enlightened group of people, as China is today, it can also have great advantages. That one party can just impose the politically difficult but critically important policies needed to move a society forward in the 21st century.
Thomas Friedman

There must be something in the air. Another bizarre sex crime.

Presumably in an attempt to steal the thunder of the son raping mom, suspect Brian Parks, was arrested for a sexual assault on a man in a wheelchair.  The crime took place in the restroom of a Tredyffrin, PA supermarket.  (Taking advantage of the large handicapped stall I would suspect.)  Police are confident that Parks, arrested at a local homeless shelter, is the perp.

Yup.  That's him alright.  
Can we expand the death penalty to include this guy?

In a stunning display of moral vacuity, Mr. Parks remarked to reporters as he was being led away: "Find yourself some real crime to deal with."

Dude.  If homosexually raping a defenseless handicapped man in a wheelchair is not an example of a real crime, it sure as hell will do until a real crime comes along.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Died Yesterday and Deserving of a Big Salute.

Gertrude Noone
World's Oldest Veteran
Dec. 30, 1898-Sept. 10, 2009
(Age 110)

Read her obituary here.  She sounds like a marvelous lady.  My mother was a WWII veteran (Lt. US Navy).  We laid her to rest in Arlington National Cemetery in May.  God Bless you, Gertrude.  And thank you Mom and Gertrude for your service.  

Not a headline you see every day.

Aimee Louise Sword.  Hot mom who can't find a guy 
outside of her own gene pool.

I don't even know what to say about this one, other than the mom is kind of hot, but no normal guy wants to have sex with his mom.  Hot or not.  Doesn't she know that giving her underage son his first sexual experience is a job for a credentialed teacher?

Died Today:

Gertrude Baines
World's Oldest Person
April 6, 1894-September 11, 2009 (Age 115)

Gertrude lived long enough to see a black President.  
Too bad it had to be Obama.  

An autopsy is being performed to determine exact cause of death.  Are you kidding me?  She was 115!!!

Died on this date:

2, 974 Innocent People
 September 11, 2009

Official death toll was 2, 993 which included the 19 attackers.  We will not honor them here by listing them as part of the official dead.
The World Trade Center Twin Towers-New York City, NY

United Flight 93-Stonycreek Township, Somerset County, Pennsylvania

The United States Pentagon-Washington, D.C.

Our people were murdered in cold blood by fanatical Islamofascists.  And never forget that if given the chance they would gladly kill us all.
Be ever vigilant 
and God Bless America

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Could this be The Funeral Guy????

One of my readers, a guy (or gal) named tbird is a big fan of mine.  So big in fact, that in his comment on my Wal-Mart post he led me to this picture that he obviously took while he was stalking me.  Ironically, I was in Wal-Mart at the time.  

I appreciate him/her not showing my face.  The Funeral Guy wishes to remain anonymous out of respect for the families that he serves.

California Assemblyman caught with his "gland" in the "nookie" jar.

Mike "Numbnuts" Duvall.  Genius who never learned 
that all mikes are live.

While our California Legislature is busy running the productive out of the state with high taxes and onerous regulation they still find time to entertain us with a good old fashioned sex scandal.  This one stars Republican Assemblyman Mike Duvall live on mike bragging to a colleague about his sexcapades (love that word!) with a couple of loosey goosey women.  One of the women is purported to be California Retailers Association lobbyist, Heidi Dejong Barsuglia.

There is a video of Dumbass Duvall on open mike, but frankly it's so bad I'm not going to bother to embed it. But here are some of the highlights:  He talks about his lady friend's "eyepatch panties" and how they did the sexy times so much one afternoon that she remarked how his baby batter was running out of her as she was walking up the stairs.  Ha! Ha!  Yucko!  To top it all off, he brings up spanking her and how much he likes it. The usual cliche about her "being such a bad girl" also makes an appearance.  Whoo Whoo!!!  Did I mention that Mike Duvall is a family values spouting, Chamber of Commerce kind of guy with a wife and kids?  God, my sides are splitting.  KCAL 9 reports that according to an unnamed source that the two broads are both married lobbyists.

Heidi Barsuglia.  
Would you do her if she threw in
 a spanking session?  Oh, Yeeeeaaaahhh!

In his resignation statement Old "Hot to Trot" Mike basically said that he regretted that his lobbyist fucking was distracting from the business of fucking the taxpayer so with great sadness he was stepping down.

No wonder this state is heading down the shithole at warp speed.  You can't keep the Dems off the taxpayers wallet and you can't keep the Repubs off the lobbyist pussy.

We are not worthy...

For those of you not up (tee hee) on certain...ahem...celebrities, this is Ron Jeremy, troll-like porn star.  Porn star, you say?  He's fugly.  Aye, that he be. do I put this delicately?...he is famous for the ability to, shall we say, pleasure himself without using his hands.  Nice trick, eh? 
Hence the adoring worship when he arrives at airports.
Not the first time Ron Jeremy has seen
 women in this particular posture.

h/t GoodShit

Died on this date:

Mao Zedong-Chinese Communist Dictator
Dec. 26, 1893-Sept. 9, 1976 
(Age 82)

How is it that these evil bastards live so damn long?

Mao killed millions of his own people through starvation and murder which is the combo special of communist ideology.  I hope he is enjoying the red hot poker that Beelzebub is ramming up his ass for all eternity.  ("Move along there, Mao, it's Stalin and Hitler's turn.")

From complications of Parkinson's Disease.

Ironically, Thomas Friedman, three-time Pulitzer prize winning columnist for the New York Times had a piece today where he kinda, hasta admit that those Chinese totalitarians sure can get things done without all that pesky democracy and shit.  Sounds downright admiring as a matter of fact.  Like George Orwell said,  "Certain ideas are just so stupid, only an intellectual could believe them."  
In case you haven't seen it, here's a picture of Thomas Friedman's house.
How long do you think Tom would have kept this baby during the Cultural Revolution?  

Death: Photographic Studies

Great link from my email buddy, Fred Lapides, at GoodShit.
(You do visit his site every day, don't you?)

Photographing the deceased is something that really isn't done anymore.  I think most people (Americans especially) would find such photos, if not distasteful, then certainly disrespectful.  Me, I find them fascinating.  But then again, I would.

I used to have a gal pal who worked as a rep for a photofinishing company back in the Seventies.  She put the word out to the folks who worked in the kiosks that she was interested in photos of dead people.  She accumulated quite a collection.  The photos were all from recent deaths and in the colors of the 70's.  They looked garish and kitschy.  Not unlike a photo of a businessman and his secretary leaving a motel room as taken by a private detective.  I can only imagine that digital photography would render them even more undignified.

Not so with these daguerreotypes.  There is love, dignity and beauty in these pictures.  A time before major medical interventions, the medico-legal bureaucracies and even funeral homes were common in most communities.  Death in those days was a family matter, and families took care of their own.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009