Elin Nordegren might not be the world's best cocksucker if the small amount of time Tiger spent with her is any indication, but she sure as hell knows how to suck the cash out of a soon to be ex-husband. 750 million samollians. That's how much Tiger will be paying for his freedom and the sound of silence.
And that means no books, no interviews, no nothing. Even if Tiger dies first. If she talks, the money's gone. The reason the settlement is so high is that Tiger had more dough than Elin originally thought. I mean the dude can shell out $750 million and still have enough to maintain a swinging lifestyle. (You know he ain't giving that up.) Fucking golf...I had no idea.
Elin gets custody of the chilluns, of course. (Like Tiger needs those little balls and chains putting a crimp in his pussy hound shenanigans.) The funniest part of the settlement is that none of Tiger's ladies can be anywhere around the kids. I can just hear Elin in the settlement conference. "No skank whores, porn stars or quote unquote cocktail waitressess around my kids. This is non-negotiable. I'm not going to be picking crabs, cooties or other DNA out of their hair after a weekend with dad. Plus, I don't need little Charlie getting any ideas that the waitress at the pancake house is there to do anything more than bring him his eggy-wegs."
Tryouts are beginning around the country for girls
hoping to hop on the Woodster's wood.
Some of the talents that will be evaluated include width of leg-spread,
sucking a golf ball through a garden hose, and relaxed gag reflex.
Update: Reports are that the settlement is $100 million. Not exactly 3/4 of a billion dollars, but a nice chunk of change nonetheless.