Sunday, June 27, 2010

Who da' thunk it? Christians like to do the wangdangdoodle just like normal people. (And other quick hits for giggles and shits.)

My apologies for being away so long.  I was kidnapped just outside of Palm Springs and forced to smoke crack and party with my abductors.  And I don't even like crack.  Except for the crack on a lady, if you know what I mean...and...oh, never mind.

I found a bunch of goofy little items around the interwebs (between hits off the pipe), but nothing so earth shattering that would inspire me to those long, thought provoking posts that I am justifiably famous for.

What's my position on Christian sex?  Uh...missionary, I guess. 

This is one of those stories (thanks to tbird, as always) that makes the folks at the Los Angeles Times and the New York Times all scratch their heads.  Christians?  Fucking?  With sex toys?  Why, what manner of Christians are these?  I've never heard the like and I certainly don't know any Bible thumpers myself.  At this point they will assign a reporter to do one of those stories where they observe the behavior of Christians or conservatives like they just found one of those lost-in-time Cargo Cults in Papua, New Guinea.

Yes, there are sex toy websites that are aimed at the Christian market.  Book22.com was started by the aptly named Joy Wilson.  It stands for the 22nd book of the Bible, Song of Solomon (or Song of Songs, depending on which version you go by).  Joy says that she and her husband carefully evaluate the products before adding them to the catalog.  Which means they pray about it, for all you heathens out there.  It all looks like any other sex toy website, except a quick search for "butt plug" came up empty, so to speak.  Too gay, perhaps?  The other website mentioned, Mybelovedsgarden.net, does offer an interesting device that goes up the male butt for prostate stimulation.  And when I say it looks interesting, I mean I think I want to get one.  The only difference that I could see from a Christian and a secular sex product website is there are no bobble tit chicks modeling the lingerie and no porn DVD's on the Christian sites.  That and when they say marital aids...they mean MARITAL!!

So I guess Christian sex is here to stay since it's the only surefire way to make more Christians.  That ought to bug the shit out of the New York Times.

Marital Aid Nostalgia. 
No wonder you have "daily tensions, aches and pains", my dear. 
You're completely unaware of where your 
goodie button is and the ad is certainly no help. 

Randy candy gets father fuming.  

Another h/t from the intrepid tbird.  (I don't know what I'm going to do when his unemployment checks run out and he'll have to stop trolling the interwebs and find work.)  Original story in Daily Mail UK is here.

Simon Simpkins (I'm not making that name up) met a pieman going to the fair.  Oops, sorry, I got distracted.  Anyway, Simon was shopping for sweets with his two lil' chilluns when he was taken aback by the pornographic wrappers on the German brand fruit candy, MAOAM.  (Little known fact:  Maoam is kraut for, "Blow Me".)  "The lemon and lime are locked in what appears to be a carnal encounter.  The lime, whom I assume to be the gentleman in this coupling, has a particularly lurid expression on his face," huffed Mr. Simpkins.  Simple Simon then got into a "heated exchange" with whom I'll assume to be the most bewildered shop manager in all of Britain, when his wife became "quite distressed and had to sit down in the car park."

I think Simple Simpkins is a bit confused.
These are obviously lesbian fruits that are "scissoring".

This Limey likes 'em underage.  
Licking cherries is his bag, baby. 

Here's my take.  Simon Simpkins is shit nuts and hasn't been laid in a couple of years.  He probably looks down at a plate of fried clams and sees a Roman orgy.  His wife had to go sit in the car park after Simon embarrassed her for the umpteenth time by acting like a flaming arsehole.  His wife hasn't fucked him in two years because he is always acting like a flaming arsehole in public places.   If you follow the comments at the end of the story even his fellow Brits think Simon is a half baked PC crackpot.

Simon Simpkins is only slightly less crazy than the dipshit muslims that got Burger King to pull their ice cream because they were insulted by the swirly logo.  They said it looked like the word "Allah" in Arabic.  Where are the South Park guys when you need them?  You really can't make this shit up.  Aren't there enough legitimate opportunities to be pissed off in life?  Why would you want to make yourself miserable by going out of your way to look for them.

The University of Obvious will conclude next that water is wet.

Men can figure out if a chick is hot in a millisecond.  Women take a little longer to ascertain if a certain male is mate material.  Yep.  That's it.  Three researchers and god only knows how much tax money went into this one.

Actually, for the men I think a millisecond is a bit leisurely.  Nanosecond is more like it.  Nice face, nice tits, nice ass...Me Want!  All squeezed into a blink of an eye.  Then the move is on to look for the next one.  Does anybody wonder how a titty bar with the same lone stripper night after night would do?  Maybe these geniuses at the University of Amsterdam could tackle that topic next.  (Or just look out the window and see the smorgasbord of whore houses in your home city.)  Men like variety and lots of it.  Duh.

Miss Right.  
Lather, rinse and repeat every couple of months. 

Of course women take a little longer.  You have to at least get to his place.  Determine he's not a complete tool or serial killer.  Check out his car.  Get a rough estimate of his net worth.  Then see if there's piss stains on the toilet and pubes on the soap.   All that takes a while.

 Mr. Right. 
For a man that rains money he could be a lot uglier. 

Move your big ass over, Kim Kardashian, celebrity sex tapes go global.

A couple of celebrities are caught up in a sex tape scandal.  Ho hum, say you.  What is it Tuesday?  This one, however, is a slightly bigger deal since it takes place in Indonesia.  Indonesia is majority muslim and extremely repressive.  They gots laws against this kind of thing, hombre.  The clips purportedly show pop star Nazril "Ariel" Ilham (that's a dude, BTW) doing the shag nasty with his TV star girlfriend, Luna Maya.  Another tape has him hiding the salami with with actress, Cut Tari.  (Getting deep in the "Cut", as it were.)  So there you have it.  A couple of sex tapes.  Only two?  Shit, Motley Crue singer Vince Neil could whip up two sex tapes before breakfast without raising a sweat.

Nazril Ilham and fuckmate Maya Luna 
went from porn video to hostage video. 
She's pretty hot.  On porn sites their
 sex tape would be categorized under "Exotic". 

Unlike Vince, bandmate Tommy Lee, Kim Kardashian, Kendra Wilkinson and all the rest of the celebrity skanks that use "leaked" or "stolen" homemade porn tapes as a career move, Nazril could wind up in the jug for 12 years.  Tifatul Sembiring, who is the Indonesian Information Minister, has expressed disgust at the clips.  Which in the course of his duties he has had to watch approximately 122 times.  "Why would anyone tape such a private thing?" he also added.  A question that could only be asked by a repressed muslim who probably has to flog his genitals with a cat o' nine tails if the wind blows the hajib off a woman's head in his presence.  (A bit of advice.  If you find yourself in a country that feels the need for an Information Minister get the fuck out of there.)

All these shenanigans, of course, have brought about talk that the muslim dominated government will now start cracking the whip over internet content.

Good luck with that.

Instead of worrying about the internet, maybe they should keep a closer eye on the cow fuckers.

The Funeral Guy has always kept you up to date on the latest in the world of bestiality.  Archives here and here.  ( That reminds me.  Note to self:  Work on that post about Al Gore and the "happy ending" massage.)

An 18 year old man in Indonesia was caught boning his neighbor's cow.  Good lord.  Is no barnyard safe?  The farmer said Gusti Ngurah Alit was "standing naked while holding the back of the cow."  Yeah, kind of hard to explain that one away.  But leave it to Gusti to give it a shot.  He told the Times newspaper in Johannesburg, South Africa that he didn't see a cow, but a beautiful young woman.  "She called my name, so I had sex with her," said Gusti.  Goddam rapists!  Always trying to blame the victim.  "You should have seen that cow," Gusti fumed, "strutting around that field in a miniskirt and her high heels.  All painted up in make-up like a barnyard brothel bimbo.  No man could resist."

After living long enough in a shitty third world dirt puddle
your mind starts playing tricks on you. 

The village chief apparently agreed.  Mr. Alit was assessed a $562 fine and told to ritually wash off his stupid dick.  The cow was drowned in the sea to get rid of bad luck.

No.  I'm not kidding.

I think I'd rather have sex with the box that it came in.

Some savvy entrepreneur somehow sees mega dollars signs when he thinks about the vast multitudes of men that will lay down some hard earned schmundo to fuck a Lady Gaga doll.  I shit you not.

The blow up doll is named Lady Gag Gag.  I'm assuming that this is so he won't get his ass sued off.  The same company also has a Beyonce version.  ("She Loves ALL THREE HOLES filled.")

I'd like to take a moment of personal privilege to remind you that I came up with the name Lady Gag Gag in a post honoring the young lady's beat looking broad's birthday.

The Lady Gag Gag Love Doll.
I assume the name is also to flatter your penis.
She comes complete with that stupid Alice in Wonderland 
hair and her own tucked penis. 


No man I know is hankering to give a poke to the real Lady Gaga.  She's the definition of a butterface.   If a vote was taken tomorrow I would wager she would win the Most Annoying Celebrity Award of 2010.  Beating the Kardashian Krew by a wide ass mile.  Her music...is that music?  God almighty, I would love to get in a time machine and kill the guy that invented Auto-Tune.  Just think of the "singers" that would never have been foisted on us.  Lady Gaga, Avril Lavigne, Ke$ha (double yuck) and every other teenybopper popstress whom I can't name because of the cookie cutter crapola sameness of their "music".  

Lastly, a Lady Gag Gag fuck doll is pointless.  A dude that loves women doesn't want to fuck Lady Gaga.  Men who love Lady Gaga don't want to fuck women.  QED.

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