Saturday, June 19, 2010

"I've had it with these motherfuckin' heads on this motherfuckin' plane."

A sharp eyed (or sharp nosed) Southwest Airlines employee called the police after finding a box of heads on a plane that was headed for the Dallas-Ft. Worth area.  The cranium cargo was headed (tee hee) to the Ft. Worth office of Medtronic which does medical research.  The exact number of brain holders is in some dispute.  Apparently nobody is volunteering for the gruesome job of doing an actual "head" count.  (tee hee.)

The no longer alive heads were not packaged or labeled correctly so the Little Rock gendarmes got on the case and handed the nomadic noggins over to Pulaski County coroner Garland Camper.  "We've come to the conclusion that there is a black market out there for human body parts for research or for whatever reason.  We just want to make sure these specimens here aren't part of that black market and underground trade."  So said coroner Camper, whom I don't think will be confused with Quincy, M.E. anytime soon.

Hey, coroner Garland Camper (love that name).  Why don't you look to see if they each have a single bullet hole in the back.  If the answer is yes, call commie China and see if any of their dissidents are missing.  Haha!   What about Al-queda?  They must have to do something with all those bearded heads after making their jihadi videos.

The supplier of the bodyless heads is an outfit named JLS consulting.  The Wynne, Arkansas, business has it's license in revocation and has blamed problems in the past on a private courier.  The founder of JLS is not answering calls.  Hmmmm??  Arkansas?  Body parts?  Hard to see how anything could go wrong there.

The Black Market for human body parts is both vast and varied.

Two things you might not know.  One, you may at anytime be flying the happy skies with this kind of cargo.  We ship bodies all the time.  You will never see a place with more lazy ass lard butt union employees than an airline cargo hanger.  (Outside of a government office, that is.)  The two words that get you to the front of the line?  Human remains.

Second.  According to federal law you cannot sell human body parts.  I think this is nanny state, anti-freedom bullshit.  Your eyes, organs, head and everything else should be yours to sell.  When you die you or your  next of kin have to give permission to have any part of you taken for donation.  So aren't they acknowledging that you belong to you?  I can sell my car.  Why not my liver?  (Not that mine would be of much use to anybody.  My liver, I mean, not my car.)

For those of you who are thinking about donating your body or a loved one's body to science, you might want to read Stiff: The Curious Life of Human Cadavers by Mary Roach.  Before you romanticize to yourself, "Mom, would have been so proud that after her death she helped in the fight against cancer." be aware that some research facility might also put her in a car and run her off a cliff just to see what happens.  Or she might take a few .50 caliber rounds to the torso so the defense department can test the effectiveness of a new weapon.  Unless it's going to a specific organ or tissue bank, once you sign over disposition of an intact body, it's out of your hands.

And those heads?  They were probably going to be used to teach already filthy rich cosmetic surgeons how to perform the latest eye lift procedure on aging socialites and movie stars.

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