Sunday, June 13, 2010

Vajazzle your Vajayjay? Discuss.

I found this today during my usual search for sex and death.  Vajazzle porn?  What the hell is that all about?  Which led me to a more detailed explanation of the process of vajazzling.  Vajazzling, for those of you who don't know, is the gluing of little Swarovski (which is Russian for really fucking expensive) crystals on the pubic area of a lady after she waxes down.  You know, right above the hoo-hoo.  From what I've seen on the interwebs, butterflies and fancy heart designs seem to be most popular.  I also saw one that spelled the word JUICY in multi-colored crystals, which would be perfect for the gal who would like to convey her sexuality with a tasteful sense of elegance.

Vajazzle Porn.
With free jewels included!
Fun for the whole family!

I guess a guy could do it too, but it would be so beyond gay that gay men would laugh at you.  You could call it Cockazzle.  Hey, don't anybody steal my idea.

Jennifer Love Hewitt started the trend when she went on Lopez Tonight (yeah, George Lopez has a talk show, and no, I wasn't aware of it either) and talked about how after a break up with her boyfriend she started vajazzling to make her feel better about her "precious lady".  I would have suggested that a new boyfriend playing with her "precious lady" would make her feel even better about things, but that's just me.  Although I do have to say that listening to Jennifer Love Hewitt talking about her privates makes my own privates get a little jazzled if you know what I mean.

Bryce Gruber can't wait for her man 
to try out her glittery new jewel pie. 

As you know, I always like to get to the nitty-gritty possibilities on these kinds of matters.

Let's just say, unbeknownst to you, your darling inamorata has gone and vajazzled her runway of love.  Bedtime arrives and you are pleasantly surprised that your dear treasure is acting frisky without you even having to beg.  Kiss, Kiss....uummmmm...  Down come the panties and whoooahhh!   "Ohhh, that's different...I mean....NICE!"  You say while she sashays a bit with her hands on her hips.  All the while you're thinking, "That's kind of weird, actually.  Did she do that for my benefit?"  Yes, dumbfuck, she did.  So get to it.  And you do.  It's non-routine sex and you're a guy so you put the vajazzle visual aside and bang away make the love.  Things get a bit sweaty and you start to notice that your personal nether regions are becoming vajazzled.  Even worse, as things progress, you're doing that ptooooey, ptooooey thing because you have little glass thingies in your mouth.  Bleeehh, this is worse than the 80's when you were always getting pubes in your teeth.  You then spend the next few days picking Swarvoski crystals out of your ass because they're stuck up in the sheets as well.

The tab for this little added spice to your sex life?  $175.00 and up.  Enjoy.

Just a quick comment on genital jewelry in...uh...general.  Not a big fan, myself.  It really is impossible to improve on nature.  (My views on fake plastic bobble tits are well known.)  For whatever reason when I see a photo of a girl with a clittie ring it's a turnoff.  It's a couple of things, I guess.  Why would somebody want to run a piercing needle through that most delicate of areas?  I can picture a lot of different outcomes from this activity and most of them are bad, oozy and possibly permanent.  Maybe it's because I've always been so protective of my own giggle stick.  Also, I've always had the impression, rightly or wrongly, that a woman who would do that to herself is probably not only open, but anxious, to do something kinky to you.  The kind of chick that on your second date wants to drip hot candle wax on your balls or make you shit in a diaper.  I know this may surprise you but The Funeral Guy was never much for fetish games or outrageous kink.  (And at my age I have to be mindful of my back.)   I've only had one experience with a pierced goodie button.  It was distracting and in the back of my mind I was afraid one of us was going to tear something.

So ladies.  If you want to vajazzle the "V" or hang a chain off your yum yum, go ahead, I guess.  But don't gild the lily for us.  I would bet if you asked most men they'd tell you that when it comes to that particular part of you, plain 'ol vanilla is just fine.


  1. hahaha never laughed so hard in my life!!!
    especially the vison of you finding jewels stuck everywhere!

  2. Very entertaining that is !