Saturday, June 5, 2010

Boys are programmed to do stupid things, but this is just nuts.

When I was a younger man, in the days before health insurance, I had two criteria for going to the doctor. One was any uncontrollable spurting blood, the other was anything remotely out of the ordinary with my penis.  (I can only imagine what I would have done if my penis ever uncontrollably spurted blood.)

There is a new act of adolescent sociopathy going around (spurred on by YouTube, naturally) where an unsuspecting victim will be sucker punched right in the family jewels.  Fun stuff, huh?  This sounds like the kind of tomfoolery the brainless asshat that invented guzzling booze through your eye would come up with.

It's a little more than teenage hijinks for David Gibbons, 14, the unfortunate boy who is now one gonad shy of the requisite two that God intended.  After a punch to the groin that has acquired the innocuous name of "sack tapping" David went home and woke up that night in excruciating pain and was taken to the hospital where his ruptured testicle was surgically removed.  The urologist, Dr. Scott Wheeler, says that he does three to four of these surgeries a year.  Authorities are weighing whether the assailant will be criminally charged.

David Gibbons.
Destined to spend his life dedicated 
to the preservation of his one remaining ball.

For some reason boys, feral little shits that they are, always seem to go for the groin.  When I was a lad there was frequently a gathering in the little boy's room for a ritual known as "shab fights".  This involved cupping your yarbles with one hand while attacking your opponent's crotch with your other hand in an upturned clawing motion.   I hasten to add this was not a gladiatorial spectacle I participated in, although I did provide running color commentary.   Looking back, I should have been a prime bully target, being scrawny and totally disinclined towards manly sports.  The only thing that saved me was that it's hard to hit someone that's making you laugh.  Then at fourteen I was in a popular band and the bullies became roadies in order to score overflow groupies.

There are some things that I never understood about guys even though I are one.  When men are young and the sap of virility is running really thick there is an abundance of really suspect shit that goes on.  Wrestling and roughhousing, sack tapping, shab fights, crossing swords, towel snapping (in the shower!!) and fraternity brother ass paddling star chambers.  I wanted no part of any of it.

Male bonding or thinly veiled homoeroticism?  I'll let you make the call.

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