If you can squeeze a baby through a vagina you should be able to fit a head shop and a tattoo parlor in your ass... and more straight poop of the day.

It's been a slow news day.

The big story is that Helen Thomas, loony, far-left reporter and jew-hating old crone, will be flying her broomstick out the White House briefing room and retiring a mere four decades past her prime.  Here's hoping she doesn't wind up in a nursing home somewhere in Miami.  Wouldn't want to check out of this life with a pillow over your face, eh' Bubbe?

"It's the Jews...the Jews, I tell 'ya.

Always the goddam Jews!!!!"

MTV, a channel that used to actually play music, held their Annual Movie Awards last night.  I hear that there was edgey profanity and even edgier comedy bits.  Ho hum, wake me when it's over.  That's why there's not much celebrity news today since all the airheads, egomaniacs and glamourous nitwits are sleeping off their hangovers after attending the dazzling gala.  It may take a day or two to find out if anyone is decomposing following an after party overdose.  Ooohh!  Keep your fingers crossed.

Katy Perry.

The only two reasons to watch the MTV Movie Awards.

Speaking of MTV, I've been pondering whether to comment on this little nugget.  OK, since you asked so nice, I will.  Even the creator of The Jersey Shore calls his Downfall of Western Civilization guidoville dreck a "herpes nest" where Valtrex falleth like a gentle rain.  The reason why I hesitated is that it hardly qualifies as news that Snooki, J-Woww, The Situation and whoever the fuck else populates this shitfest is a petri dish of oozing, venereal pestilence.

Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi.
In order to catch herpes somebody had to fuck her.

Who would do such a thing?

On the crime blotter, police in Wenatchee, Washington were quite amazed by the amount of contraband that came into their jail via the poop chute of one of their arrestees.  A cigarette lighter, cigarette papers, a golf ball sized baggy of tobacco, a bottle of tattoo ink, eight tattoo needles, and a small bag of reefer with dope pipe all came out of the outlaw's orifice.  Franky, I'm astonished that they're astonished.  Obviously, they've never seen the sheer gaping artistry of pornstar butt slut Sasha Grey.  Sasha, the Queen of the Extreme Ream, could have placed the above items in a tackle box before insertion without raising a sweat.  The only difficulty would have been keeping it from falling out as she strolled through security.

Sasha Grey.

Don't be fooled by her diminutive size, 

she's got a colon like a clown car. 

I won't provide any links to Sasha's "art".  I'm sure you know where to look.