Who da' thunk it? Christians like to do the wangdangdoodle just like normal people. (And other quick hits for giggles and shits.)

My apologies for being away so long.  I was kidnapped just outside of Palm Springs and forced to smoke crack and party with my abductors.  And I don't even like crack.  Except for the crack on a lady, if you know what I mean...and...oh, never mind.

I found a bunch of goofy little items around the interwebs (between hits off the pipe), but nothing so earth shattering that would inspire me to those long, thought provoking posts that I am justifiably famous for.

What's my position on Christian sex?  Uh...missionary, I guess. 

This is one of those stories (thanks to tbird, as always) that makes the folks at the Los Angeles Times and the New York Times all scratch their heads.  Christians?  Fucking?  With sex toys?  Why, what manner of Christians are these?  I've never heard the like and I certainly don't know any Bible thumpers myself.  At this point they will assign a reporter to do one of those stories where they observe the behavior of Christians or conservatives like they just found one of those lost-in-time Cargo Cults in Papua, New Guinea.

Yes, there are sex toy websites that are aimed at the Christian market.  Book22.com was started by the aptly named Joy Wilson.  It stands for the 22nd book of the Bible, Song of Solomon (or Song of Songs, depending on which version you go by).  Joy says that she and her husband carefully evaluate the products before adding them to the catalog.  Which means they pray about it, for all you heathens out there.  It all looks like any other sex toy website, except a quick search for "butt plug" came up empty, so to speak.  Too gay, perhaps?  The other website mentioned, Mybelovedsgarden.net, does offer an interesting device that goes up the male butt for prostate stimulation.  And when I say it looks interesting, I mean I think I want to get one.  The only difference that I could see from a Christian and a secular sex product website is there are no bobble tit chicks modeling the lingerie and no porn DVD's on the Christian sites.  That and when they say marital aids...they mean MARITAL!!

So I guess Christian sex is here to stay since it's the only surefire way to make more Christians.  That ought to bug the shit out of the New York Times.

Marital Aid Nostalgia. 

No wonder you have "daily tensions, aches and pains", my dear. 

You're completely unaware of where your 

goodie button is and the ad is certainly no help. 

Randy candy gets father fuming.  

Another h/t from the intrepid tbird.  (I don't know what I'm going to do when his unemployment checks run out and he'll have to stop trolling the interwebs and find work.)  Original story in Daily Mail UK is here.

Simon Simpkins (I'm not making that name up) met a pieman going to the fair.  Oops, sorry, I got distracted.  Anyway, Simon was shopping for sweets with his two lil' chilluns when he was taken aback by the pornographic wrappers on the German brand fruit candy, MAOAM.  (Little known fact:  Maoam is kraut for, "Blow Me".)  "The lemon and lime are locked in what appears to be a carnal encounter.  The lime, whom I assume to be the gentleman in this coupling, has a particularly lurid expression on his face," huffed Mr. Simpkins.  Simple Simon then got into a "heated exchange" with whom I'll assume to be the most bewildered shop manager in all of Britain, when his wife became "quite distressed and had to sit down in the car park."

I think Simple Simpkins is a bit confused.

These are obviously lesbian fruits that are "scissoring".

This Limey likes 'em underage.  

Licking cherries is his bag, baby. 

Here's my take.  Simon Simpkins is shit nuts and hasn't been laid in a couple of years.  He probably looks down at a plate of fried clams and sees a Roman orgy.  His wife had to go sit in the car park after Simon embarrassed her for the umpteenth time by acting like a flaming arsehole.  His wife hasn't fucked him in two years because he is always acting like a flaming arsehole in public places.   If you follow the comments at the end of the story even his fellow Brits think Simon is a half baked PC crackpot.

Simon Simpkins is only slightly less crazy than the dipshit muslims that got Burger King to pull their ice cream because they were insulted by the swirly logo.  They said it looked like the word "Allah" in Arabic.  Where are the South Park guys when you need them?  You really can't make this shit up.  Aren't there enough legitimate opportunities to be pissed off in life?  Why would you want to make yourself miserable by going out of your way to look for them.

The University of Obvious will conclude next that water is wet.

Men can figure out if a chick is hot in a millisecond.  Women take a little longer to ascertain if a certain male is mate material.  Yep.  That's it.  Three researchers and god only knows how much tax money went into this one.

Actually, for the men I think a millisecond is a bit leisurely.  Nanosecond is more like it.  Nice face, nice tits, nice ass...Me Want!  All squeezed into a blink of an eye.  Then the move is on to look for the next one.  Does anybody wonder how a titty bar with the same lone stripper night after night would do?  Maybe these geniuses at the University of Amsterdam could tackle that topic next.  (Or just look out the window and see the smorgasbord of whore houses in your home city.)  Men like variety and lots of it.  Duh.

Miss Right.  

Lather, rinse and repeat every couple of months. 

Of course women take a little longer.  You have to at least get to his place.  Determine he's not a complete tool or serial killer.  Check out his car.  Get a rough estimate of his net worth.  Then see if there's piss stains on the toilet and pubes on the soap.   All that takes a while.

 Mr. Right. 

For a man that rains money he could be a lot uglier. 

Move your big ass over, Kim Kardashian, celebrity sex tapes go global.

A couple of celebrities are caught up in a sex tape scandal.  Ho hum, say you.  What is it Tuesday?  This one, however, is a slightly bigger deal since it takes place in Indonesia.  Indonesia is majority muslim and extremely repressive.  They gots laws against this kind of thing, hombre.  The clips purportedly show pop star Nazril "Ariel" Ilham (that's a dude, BTW) doing the shag nasty with his TV star girlfriend, Luna Maya.  Another tape has him hiding the salami with with actress, Cut Tari.  (Getting deep in the "Cut", as it were.)  So there you have it.  A couple of sex tapes.  Only two?  Shit, Motley Crue singer Vince Neil could whip up two sex tapes before breakfast without raising a sweat.

Nazril Ilham and fuckmate Maya Luna 

went from porn video to hostage video. 

She's pretty hot.  On porn sites their

 sex tape would be categorized under "Exotic". 

Unlike Vince, bandmate Tommy Lee, Kim Kardashian, Kendra Wilkinson and all the rest of the celebrity skanks that use "leaked" or "stolen" homemade porn tapes as a career move, Nazril could wind up in the jug for 12 years.  Tifatul Sembiring, who is the Indonesian Information Minister, has expressed disgust at the clips.  Which in the course of his duties he has had to watch approximately 122 times.  "Why would anyone tape such a private thing?" he also added.  A question that could only be asked by a repressed muslim who probably has to flog his genitals with a cat o' nine tails if the wind blows the hajib off a woman's head in his presence.  (A bit of advice.  If you find yourself in a country that feels the need for an Information Minister get the fuck out of there.)

All these shenanigans, of course, have brought about talk that the muslim dominated government will now start cracking the whip over internet content.

Good luck with that.

Instead of worrying about the internet, maybe they should keep a closer eye on the cow fuckers.

The Funeral Guy has always kept you up to date on the latest in the world of bestiality.  Archives here and here.  ( That reminds me.  Note to self:  Work on that post about Al Gore and the "happy ending" massage.)

An 18 year old man in Indonesia was caught boning his neighbor's cow.  Good lord.  Is no barnyard safe?  The farmer said Gusti Ngurah Alit was "standing naked while holding the back of the cow."  Yeah, kind of hard to explain that one away.  But leave it to Gusti to give it a shot.  He told the Times newspaper in Johannesburg, South Africa that he didn't see a cow, but a beautiful young woman.  "She called my name, so I had sex with her," said Gusti.  Goddam rapists!  Always trying to blame the victim.  "You should have seen that cow," Gusti fumed, "strutting around that field in a miniskirt and her high heels.  All painted up in make-up like a barnyard brothel bimbo.  No man could resist."

After living long enough in a shitty third world dirt puddle

your mind starts playing tricks on you. 

The village chief apparently agreed.  Mr. Alit was assessed a $562 fine and told to ritually wash off his stupid dick.  The cow was drowned in the sea to get rid of bad luck.

No.  I'm not kidding.

I think I'd rather have sex with the box that it came in.

Some savvy entrepreneur somehow sees mega dollars signs when he thinks about the vast multitudes of men that will lay down some hard earned schmundo to fuck a Lady Gaga doll.  I shit you not.

The blow up doll is named Lady Gag Gag.  I'm assuming that this is so he won't get his ass sued off.  The same company also has a Beyonce version.  ("She Loves ALL THREE HOLES filled.")

I'd like to take a moment of personal privilege to remind you that I came up with the name Lady Gag Gag in a post honoring the young lady's beat looking broad's birthday.

The Lady Gag Gag Love Doll.

I assume the name is also to flatter your penis.

She comes complete with that stupid Alice in Wonderland 
hair and her own tucked penis. 

No man I know is hankering to give a poke to the real Lady Gaga.  She's the definition of a butterface.   If a vote was taken tomorrow I would wager she would win the Most Annoying Celebrity Award of 2010.  Beating the Kardashian Krew by a wide ass mile.  Her music...is that music?  God almighty, I would love to get in a time machine and kill the guy that invented Auto-Tune.  Just think of the "singers" that would never have been foisted on us.  Lady Gaga, Avril Lavigne, Ke$ha (double yuck) and every other teenybopper popstress whom I can't name because of the cookie cutter crapola sameness of their "music".  

Lastly, a Lady Gag Gag fuck doll is pointless.  A dude that loves women doesn't want to fuck Lady Gaga.  Men who love Lady Gaga don't want to fuck women.  QED.

A weekend hodgepodge of items.

Lots of crazy shit flying around the interwebs this week.  Let's catch up, shall we?

Tiger Woods takes "Love Thy Neighbor" a little too far.

If this latest tournament is any indication, The Woodster's game is going to Hell in a handbasket, undoubtably due to the splooge backup in his poor neglected testicles.  Imagine poor old Tiger approaching the ball, eyes unable to focus, sweaty hands shaking and knees all twitchy like a junkie in his second day of detox.

Or is he distracted by the latest story from the New York Post?  This one is about a woman that was rumored but now confirmed and apparently the babe that broke wife Elin's back, metaphorically speaking.

The National Enquirer has it that Tiger, the randy rehabber, had to write down a list of all his conquests as part of his therapy (No fapping allowed while doing so, OK, Mr. Woods?).  Since the number pegged the boink meter at 121 I'll assume that names weren't required.  A bass player and I did this once back in the day on a long road trip.  Names were impossible so descriptions, places and sex act details counted.  Proving beyond doubt that the reptilian part of the male brain can amazingly regurgitate this stuff like a computer in spite of near constant drug use.

But I digress.  Then The Woodster had to go through the list with Elin during "family week".  (God, how creepy must that be?  I could see sitting around in normal rehab talking about nodding off with a needle in your arm or throwing up on your kid, but having to go into detail to your wife about a pancake waitress polishing your knob in a parking lot seems way skeevy, but maybe that's just me.)

Anyhoodle.  Elin was furious about the fact that her horny hubby, in addition to the now familiar  strumpets, skanks and sleazebags, had a one-nighter with the neighbor's sweet little daughter, Raychel Coudriet.  The whole thing is pretty sordid even for a jaded old fuck like me.  Tiger had been eyeing the nubile coed for some time, even inviting her to go golfing and joking about her "washing his balls".  I guess when you're rich and famous you don't necessarily have to be a smooth operator.   Well, one thing leads to another, and eventually Raychel finds herself in the now infamous office with the licentious lothario of the links with her toes pointed at the ceiling.  (Damn, that home office of his has seen more action than Omaha Beach on D-Day.)  According to a source Raychel felt a little guilty when she looked over to see a baby crib in the room.  Although not enough to dampen the mood or the libido on this particular night it seems.  Tiger wanted to keep things going and invited Raychel to fly with him to Michigan for some Ambien sex.  (Michigan travel slogan: Come for the unemployment...Stay for the Ambien Sex!!)   Unfortunately for The Woodster, Raychel's moral compass finally kicked in and she refused the offer even after being left romantic sext messages such as, "Are you touching yourself?" and "I want to fuck you."  Raychel must have a heart of stone.  What young girl could resist sweet talk like that?

Raychel Coudriet. 

Tiger's taste in the ladies never fails to impress. 

After the scandal shit hit the fan you can imagine that Raychel felt just a tad cheap.  She being all young and innocent and not a professional party girl, stripper, cocktail waitress or porn whore.  "I felt used and violated" she blubbered, "Like I meant nothing to him but a night of casual sex.  I just wanted to dig a big hole, crawl in and die."  (Well, technically, Raychel, he did want to fly you to Michigan for an upgrade to casual Ambien sex.)

Our plucky and now chastened lass had her chance to confront Tiger while back from college during spring break.  "I feel extremely violated by what you did to me!"  Raychel reportedly told Mr. Hump 'n' Dump.  All Tiger could say was, "Sorry about that."

Which is the fuck-anything-with-a-pussy golfer equivalent of "You might want to put some ice on that."

...And speaking of Forbidden Love.

Some of my readers may be a little sheltered (especially you ladies) so here is a little clue about men.  Name anything in this big, wide, wonderful world of ours and you can be sure as shootin' there is some guy somewhere that will look at it and start rubbing himself.  Shoes, rocks, dolphins, you name it, some dude is horny for it.

Hence...Granny Porn.  Yes, it means exactly what is says.

Herein lies the tale of 72 year old Pearl Carter.  Now Pearl doesn't do Granny Porn (as far as I know) but she does have a 26 year old lover by the name of Phil Bailey.  OK... that's a little off the charts but as Woody Allen famously said "The heart wants what the heart wants."  Woody Allen said this as his affair with the much younger adopted daughter of his partner Mia Farrow came to light.  Good example, only Pearl and Phil are even more stomach churning.

Phil Bailey finds the one woman he'll never lose to Tiger Woods. 

Phil, you see, is the natural blood grandson of Pearl.  Yes...not only is 26 year old Phil fucking a 72 year old woman.  He's fucking his 72 year old grandmother.  (And no jokes about Pearl necklaces please.  Isn't this story bad enough?)   Pearl then proceeds to tell us that it's been years since she's felt so "sexually alive".  I know at this point you have your fingers in your ears and are running from the room going lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala!!!!!  Well, come back, because it gets even better.  Pearl has borrowed $54,000 from her pension to pay a surrogate so they can have a child together.  Pearl's own eggs having turned to dust long, long ago.

Pearl is trying to justify that this isn't totally fucking shit weird by saying a friend told her about Genetic Sexual Attraction syndrome.  This is supposedly where people that share the same DNA can meet later in life and have an instant sexual attraction.  Alright...but if you find out you're closely related wouldn't you say, "Goddam.  That sure was a close one.  I guess I'll be moving on now."  YOU DON'T HAVE SEX WITH YOUR GRANDSON...DOES THIS REALLY EVEN NEED TO BE SAID???!!!!  Apparently so.

Maybe if they can find a Justice of the Peace on Tobacco Road crazy enough to perform a marriage ceremony.  Jethro and Ellie Mae will stand up for them while the cross-eyed kid from Deliverance provides the music.

Mr. Ed and My Dog Skip have referred all inquiries to their attorneys...

Grandma-Grandson incest not your cup of tea?  I can understand that.  So here's a story from Pennsylvania about a woman who sounds open to just about anything.

State police have charged Dovie Lee Kerner (great name, by the way), 46, with having sex with a horse.  Ouch!!  Strangely enough, horse diddling isn't as rare as you think.  TFG did posts on it here and here.  Dovie, however, doesn't discriminate when it comes to species.  In addition to equine, she's also been accused of going canine and porcine.  That's horsies, doggies and piggies for those of you who didn't have friends in 4-H club.

The "tail" (tee hee) doesn't end there though.  Dovie, who by all accounts will fuck anything that takes a breath, was turned in by her male human sex partner after she gave venereal diseases to him and his Jack Russell terrier.  I guess they were out of Trojan Magnum condoms for the horse, "kiddie" condoms for the dog, and nobody's ever thought to make corkscrew rubbers for pigs.

For the first time Mr. Ed ain't talkin'.

He enjoyed his visits with Dovie.  

My Dog Skip is dog tired after 

  Dovie gave him a howlin' good time. 

In other bestiality news.  Florida, the state where the bizarre is considered too tame to be normal, they may be finally getting around to outlawing human/animal lovin'.  (Making children disappear and meth lab explosions will remain legal for the foreseeable future.)  The move to finally criminalize bestiality followed stories of a blind man boning his seeing eye dog and a series of goat rapes.

Only in Florida.

Speaking of Florida.  This is a Florida kinda' story.  Only it's China.

A 59 year old chef was drinking with his buddies when he passed out.  "Hahahaha...lookee there at "Chang"...he really fucked up...let's draw a beard on his face with Sharpee."  "No, no, no...I got a better idea."

And there begins the tragedy, folks.  "Chang" (victim is unnamed in the story so I came up with "Chang" off the top of my head.) was taken sometime later to the hospital in great pain and a bleeding anus.  After exploratory surgery doctors discovered a 50 cm long Asian swamp eel that "Chang's" pals had playfully lodged up his butt.  (My researcher, Lexxie, informs me that 50 cm is about 20 inches.)  The eel had no way out and probably got pretty hungry to boot so it ate through "Chang's" intestines causing major damage and infection.  "Chang" lasted 10 days before mercifully expiring.  Police are launching an investigation.

This a an Asian swamp eel, not a fucking gerbil, people.

Be safe and know which animals enjoy butt sex. Sheesh!

You Chinese guys may not have gotten the word.  Drunken ass play with an eel is stupid and dangerous.  It is also really, really gay.  Don't do it.

Women want to be jackhammered for 2 hours, followed by 4 hours of "cuddle time".  

There's an old joke:
What do you have to do to give a woman an orgasm?
Answer.  Who cares?

But hey.  We know that's not really funny.  Your woman may not say it but she expects magic and lots of it!!  Coming soon to the United Kingdom is a drug for men that are...shall we say?...a little quick on the trigger.  It's called Priligy and it will cost the guy that just can't help going hump-hump-hump...ahhhhhhhhh!!!  £25 a pop (tee hee) for the thrill of a longer ride.  (That's 38 dollars American.)  It may well be worth it if your girl is constantly saying, "It's okay....(sigh)".  But for that kind of money you just might want to box your goofy an hour or so before sexy time.   I also hear that double bagging with an extra rubber is pretty pleasure diminishing.  Or you could always try putting some cocaine on your cock helmet.

So let's say by virtue of Priligy, blow or a tight rubber band around the base of your wingwang you've given your chick a shagging for the ages.  You're lying there with your arms  folded behind your head and you're feeling like a combination of Conan and Spartucus.  All of a sudden your Lady Lovely leans over and sprays some shit up your nose.  It's called oxytocin and it can make a man more empathetic and more in tune with his feelings.  It's been nicknamed the "cuddle chemical" which is all any guy needs to know.

Woman: "Mmmmm...this is soooo nice."

Man (thinking): I'm burning up, 

her hair is tickling my nose and 

my fucking arm is KILLING me. 

For fucksy sake!  What mad female scientist came up with this brilliant idea?  This is what the world needs now in a time of war and uncertainty?  A chemical that will make men weep while watching The Notebook and causes their nipples to drip milk when a baby cries?  It's like a fucking Oprah episode in a convenient spray.  Shit, fire and damnation.

If this becomes the way of the future you can forget the oxytocin.  I'll take some oxycontin.  A whole fucking handful of it, please.  See 'ya folks, I'm outta here.