Tuesday, March 23, 2010

England swings like a pendulum do...

Shit happens in Britain that for whatever reason wouldn't happen anyhere else.  Cases in point.

Brit sex still allowed... just don't enjoy it too much.

Do you know what an Asbo is?  I didn't either.  And no, it's not some yob slang for asshole.  It stands for Anti-social behavior order.  This is something that is issued in Britain for things that are not really worthy of a real arrest but they want you to cease and desist from being...well...I guess, an asshole.

Caroline Cartwright, 49, has been issued an Asbo.  What kind of anti-social behavior was she guilty of you ask?  Keying cars?  Pushing around old ladies?  Not separating her paper from her plastics?  No...when Caroline has fucky time with her husband, Steve, the moans and groans, shrieks, squeaks and squeals combined with the banging of the bed causes major disturbance to the neighbors.  That is some world class coitus.

I, and most people if they're being honest, would admit that the sound of a couple getting their freak on is kinda arousing.  On the other hand, I don't necessarily want to spend 24 hours a day listening to it.  (First of all, I need my sleep.  Secondly, I'm old and after a time the jealousy factor would kick in.)

I can only gather that the sound of the Cartwrights banging, boning and boinking must be like a herd of fornicating, feral felines since this has reached the point where Caroline has been arrested for violating the Asbo.  Steve and Caroline even moved their bed into the dining room in an effort to keep the caterwauling inside the walls.

Holy shit!  What about Steve? Shouldn't there be some kind of law against being just so goddam good between the sheets that your wife can't control herself to the point where the neighbors have to call the police?  This has been going on for four years.  Can't they come up with a compromise that when Steve starts laying the pipe, Caroline has to put a rolled up towel in her mouth.

Steve and Caroline Cartwright.
What makes me think that the main problem 
is when the nooky noises start, the neighbors have
to live with the picture of these two in their heads. 

Gay weddings as only the Brits can do it.

Sharon Hancox and Nicola Hutin, both 40, were celebrating that very special day we've come to know as gay lesbian nuptials.  But...as with most happy occasions in Jolly Ol' England too much strong drink spoiled the festivities.

Wife Nicola Hutin and Husband Sharon Hancox. 
Butchy bared breasts and stiletto heels.
Doctor, my eyes...my eyes...

The reception, which was being held at some joint called Champers bar, exploded into violence when Sharon the groom got three sheets to the wind after eight pints of lager mixed with champagne and she accused doorman David Jenkins of allowing an unwanted guest (Female.  Ex-lover?) into the proceedings.  Sharon then pulled down her gown, exposed her lesbianic ladylumps and called Mr. Jenkins a pervert.  (Jenkins is the pervert???!!! Is he the one exposing himself at a reception for a gay wedding?  I swear to god, the world is spinning off its axis.)   Bride Nicola, joined the fracas and David the doorman takes a blow to the forehead with a two inch stiletto heel wielded by the shitfaced Sharon.  The drinks will flow and the blood will spill to quote Thin Lizzy.

Eventually, the dust settles and the sapphic celebration is told to clear the fuck out.

At the subsequent legal proceeding Mr. Jenkins testified that he'd had previous run-ins with Hancox.  (One can only imagine.)  Hancox retorted that Jenkins "assualted her" and that he "pulled her tits out two years ago."

After all was said and done Sharon Hancox pled to assault and got community service and a fine.  In this country she probably would have been sentenced to anger management classes and some kind of alcohol diversion.  This does not happen in the UK as angry drunken behavior is one of the few sources of national pride they have left.

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