The President gets a swollen lip to match his ego.

President Obama supposedly took an elbow to the face in a White House game of hoops on Friday and had to have twelve stitches to close up his lip.

I say supposedly because I'm calling bullshit on this story.  I mean, come on.  You're telling me, that Barack Obama, the hardest working, most dedicated to his country president that this nation has ever been blessed with, spent the day after Thanksgiving fucking around with his buddies?   When myopic  midget North Korean dictators are lobbing missiles at our staunch ally?  When America is hopelessly stuck on near double digit unemployment?  I don't think so.

Hahahahahaha!!  Just kidding.  Of course, Old Jug Ears was goofing off.  And the country is the better for it, let me tell you.  I'm also thinking that if any elbow got anywhere close to the constantly moving presidential mouth, a Secret Service guy would have double-tapped the offender pronto and with extreme prejudice.

Nope.  I'm thinking cover up and it all goes back to (Dum da dum dum) Michelle Obama.  Yep.  I think the First Battleaxe finally realized that with her feckless hubby's procrastination and lack of leadership the Obama family taxes were going to go up.  'Cause dey rich yo'.  Michelle keep the mind on the money and the money on the mind, so she wapped his mug with a fryin' pan.

My other theory is that he had a buddy land a shot to his chops to hide something else from the ever angry Michelle.

A split lip from the basketball court is a lot easier to explain than this.

Senile Rocker performs at White House because Barack Obama has nothing else to occupy his time.

Anyone who's read this blog for awhile is aware that I grew up a huge Beatles fan.  That said, Paul McCartney was always my least favorite.  Even from the beginning he always had the air of a man that was just way too pleased with himself.

So it shouldn't come as any surprise, I suppose, that he would see a kindred spirit in our own Narcissist in Chief, Barack the Magnificent.  The two leading members of their own fan clubs got together the other night in honor of Sir Paul receiving the Gershwin Prize.  After kissing the rather large ass of the First Lady by dedicating the treacly chestnut "Michelle" to her, Sir Paul, the private jet flying environmentalist, had to throw a dig at George Bush while planting his nose firmly between the butt cheeks of the current president.  Here's what the Mozart who wrote "Silly Love Songs" said, [Referencing the Library of Congress] "After the last eight years, it's great to have a president who knows what a library is."  After this brilliant bon mot all the attending sycophants, suck-ups and Washington leeches hooted and clapped like the good little trained seals they are.  Here's the clip.



You see.  It's funny because EVERYBODY knows that George W. Bush was the stupidest man to ever occupy the Oval Office.  (Except when he was being an Evil Genius of Machiavellian proportions.)  And EVERYBODY knows that Barack Hussein Obama is a whiz kid of uniquely boundless intellect and leadership abilities that are beyond the understanding of us ungrateful wretches that he deigns to give His governance over.  No affirmative action hire He.

Poor George Bush.  When reached for comment regarding Sir Paul's assessment of his lack of intellectual firepower all Dubya could do was shake his head and say, "I might be stupid.  But even I'm not stupid enough to marry a one-legged, gold-digging fucking whore who took me to the cleaners to the tune of 40 million dollars just for the privilege of getting rid of her."

Update:  As tbird points out in his comment it was 38.9 million and I have corrected my typo (and rounded up).  I guess I should be more accurate even when I'm making up quotes.  I wholeheartedly agree with tbird that is still some majorly expensive poon, even if amputee sex is your bag, baby.  

If I bring a note from my doctor would you forgive my absence?

Have you been looking for my picture on the side of a milk carton lately?  My army of fans are asking, "Where in the fuck is The Funeral Guy?"  Well...The Funeral Guy has been doing...funerals.  And has also been involved with the medico-industrial complex.  No...no...no...don't panic.  God don't want me yet.  I'm just being checked over for some of the things that an older person's flesh is heir to.  That, and some of the lingering oozy after effects of my misspent youth.

President Obama.

Giving us another I'm-really-disappointed-in-you-people lecture. 

Be that as it may.  There hasn't been shit on the interwebs that is the least bit inspiring to write about anyway.  Politics?  Obama continues to bore and annoy the shit out of me every time he opens his mouth as he blithely goes about dismantling the greatest country the world has ever known.

Well, this should get the tourists to Greece 
for the summer season. 

Did you know the Greeks invented homosexuality?  

It's true.  You can look it up. 

Lazy as shit government workers (I use the word "workers" loosely) and the usual collection of losers, commies and anarchists are burning down Greece.  Greece was once known as the Cradle of Civilization, now it's the soft, comfy hammock of indolent socialists that spend their time either trying to expand their benefits if they work for the government or avoiding confiscatory taxes if they toil in what's left of the private sector.  Either way, the unrelenting reality of math is finally catching up to the European welfare state.  The times of champagne nights and caviar dreams are over and nobody wants to pay the bill.  Since the U.S. contributes a large share of the International Monetary Fund, you, the American taxpayer will be helping our Eurotrash brother and sisters with the tab.  You know them.  The ones whose ass we've saved in every fucking war, cold or hot, over the last century.   And as our thanks we get disdain and derision.  While the hand is always out, of course.

Lovely Lindsay Lohan.

23 years old and looking like a bloated middle-aged barfly. 

She's my #1 pick in the funeral home Death Pool. 

Like I said.  Same old, same old.  Can't Lindsay Lohan OD already for chrissakes?  Can't some celebrity asshole get caught with a harem of hookers in his basement?  That would get the TFG writing juices flowing again.

Matt Lauer.  You really disappointed me.

Matt Lauer and his MILF-y wife Annette announce 

there's no "Bombshell" McGee in their marriage. 

Shown here at the Annual Hair Club for Men Charity Ball.