Monday, May 31, 2010

This is one way to move up in the MMA rankings.

I don't know shit about mixed martial arts fighting or its participants, but by definition I would assume that they are all sorts of badass.

Jarrod Wyatt.
Killer of Satan. (If only!)

Jarrod Wyatt has proved to be the baddest of the bad by ripping the heart from the chest of his training partner, Taylor Powell. Unfortunately, because it would have been the coolest thing ever, he didn't do it like one of those cheesy choppy-socky Hong Kong kung-fu flicks where the guy reaches right into his opponents chest and pulls out his still beating heart.  No.  Jarrod did it the old fashioned way...with a knife.  Not only did Jarrod cut an 18 inch hole in the hapless Mr. Powell, he also sliced out his tongue  and removed a majority of his face.  Jarrod then cooked the body parts on the stove.  Man, those have got to be some one-of-kind crime scene photos.  

What could cause a man who does violence to other men for a living to take the next step to murder most heinous?  According to witnesses, Jarrod was hosting a little hallucinogenic mushroom tea party and Taylor forgot to bring the crumpets which enraged our crazy cage fighter.  Just kidding.  Actually, Jarrod had a bad reaction to the psychedelics and began to realize that his buddy was a vessel for Satan himself.  What do you do when faced with Beelzebub?  You fuck him up with a knife...Big Time.  

Mr. Wyatt has been charged with aggravated mayhem and torture in addition to first degree murder.  His lawyer is pleading that his client had a psychotic break presumably exacerbated by the 'shrooms.  Would any of us be surprised if anabolic steroid abuse turns up in this whole mess?  

In my personal drug history the chapter on acid, mescaline and mushrooms is a very short one.  Didn't like 'em much.  Too unpredictable.  You want to go slow?  Barbiturates and opiates.  Want to go fast?  Cocaine and speed.  Want to just get mellow?  Weed is what you need.  You pretty much know what you're going to get every time, except for those pesky occasional overdoses.  But acid and all that psychedelic shit?  Spinning your brain sideways like an uncontrollable top is a good way to take a header right off the face of the Earth, Bro'.  

Disclaimer: The Funeral Guy does not condone and in fact downright advises that you stay away from all mood altering substances including legal ones.  

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