Sunday, May 16, 2010

Quick hits....

England has some of the oddest celebrities.  Meet the pop duo Jedward.  They are lamenting that they've never had girlfriends.  Two thoughts.  One...(The obvious) They're gay.  Two...They're straight and at 18 so horny that even their hair has a boner.  You need to do something about that, lads.
Never had girlfriends?
How is that possible? 

Now we have even more of a reason not to read Playboy.  In its embarrassing desperation to remain relevant, your grandpa's stroke book is going to have a 3-D centerfold.  Why yes, I understand all those young whippersnappers on the world wide web really groove on 3-D.  Like when the moving picture Avatar came out.  Now they can hold a real 3-D girl in their hot little hand.  While the other hand does what comes naturally.  How awful would it be to have your mom catch you beating off with those stupid cardboard glasses on your face?  Almost as humiliating as wanking to a centerfold of Marge Simpson. (Playboy November 2009)
3-D Centerfold Hope Dworaczyk. 
It's like she could reach out to help you get off. 

A reality show in Australia has everyone all up in arms for its premise of auctioning off the virginity of several chaste young people of both sexes.  I suppose with the guys you'd have to take their word for it.  First-timers are usually (by definition) not that skilled in the sack, but it would be interesting to see if a bidding war develops between Lawrence Taylor and Roman Polanski.
Two Virgins.
(You may have to be a boomer to get the joke.)
Also, sorry if you just had dinner. 

The New York Post is reporting on a Dutch study that says being a cougar can shorten your life span.  I don't mean the feline in the jungle cougar, I mean the woman who fucks young guys cougar.  The opposite is true with men.  So to summarize the story.  Old gal, younger guy.  Woman dies early.  Old guy, young chippies.  Man lives longer.  See, being a guy is good beyond the fact that you can write your name in the snow with your pee.  Also, I guess this means that Larry King (76) and his wife, Shawn (50) should be shedding the mortal coil at just about the same time.
Larry and Shawn King.
Til death do they part. 

In France, a 23 year old man fell to his drunken death after attempting to slide down a staircase railing from a bridge.  Not that noteworthy, except this was one of those Facebook organized parties that 20,000 people showed up for to get shit-faced.  No recipe for disaster there.  In related news, a Facebook bacchanalia in Great Britain drew a crowd of 60,000,000 people.  Half of whom perished by falling off things while the other half went blind from pouring Vodka in their eyes.

A Paramount, CA assistant principal found himself in a bit of a kerfuffle when some of his male student studmuffins pranced around the stage during a talent show in their tighty-whiteys and Speedos.  One of the poofie performers, Christian Dominguez, said that they just wanted to "pump up" the crowd.  Guest judges Elton John and Clay Aiken agreed that they were both pumped up...and how!  To avoid any further misunderstandings the LAUSD has decided to move next year's show to Fairfax High School in the hard heart of West Hollywood.
Quit lazin' around there, young fella.
It's showtime!!!

Finally.  There is a pit bull in Long Island, NY that needs Viagra to stay alive.  Don't feel too bad, doggie.  Some of us need Viagra to feel alive.  That and our 3-D Playboy, of course.  And don't forget.  Ask your doctor if you're healthy enough for sex.  And don't take nitrates after using Viagra.

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