Thursday, April 15, 2010

The headline I never thought I would write in a million years. Larry King...Bone Daddy!

This just in...Larry King is getting his...I'm going from memory here...I think his 15th divorce.  Oh, sorry, I just re-checked the story.  It's his 8th.  (Larry married wife #3 twice.)   And this one involves more fuckery than the first divorce when his wife caught him laying pipe with Mary Todd Lincoln.  (Back in the Swingin' 60's...the 1860's!!)

"Just keep smiling and don't let go, baby, 
I think I just heard my hip crack." 

Larry, whose birth certificate is written on papyrus in Roman numerals, is currently married to wife number six, Shawn Southwick, 50 and MILF-yyyyyy!  They are now splitsville after 13 years of marriage.  Not the luckiest of numbers but the only one of Larry's that lasted into the double digits.

So what happened?  Easier to say what didn't.  Trouble has been a-brewin' for about the last five years according to sources.  Then in February, Larry took a very public bitch slapping from his wife in front of Nate 'n' Al's restaurant in Beverly Hills.  Shawn is lucky she's not facing a manslaughter rap since an open hand slap could easily kill a guy Larry's age.  Elder abuse is never OK.

What the hell could cause a wife such fury with her decrepit husband.  A cut in the allowance?  Constant bitching about no prune juice in the fridge?   Shitting the bed?  Nooooo.   How 'bout finding out your crypt keeper hubby has been depleting his Viagra supply while buttering the muffin of YOUR SISTER!!!  YOUR YOUNGER SISTER!!!   That's right, dear readers, Larry has been slipping his moldy oldie into the family honey pot.  It's kinda like Tennessee Williams except with old jewish men and their hot shiksa wives.

Shannon Engemann, the home wrecking whore lady in question, denies everything but according to rumors Lusty Larry lavished Shannon with very expensive jewelry and even a car.  Again, Shannon says no hanky panky but admits that Larry has been very generous with the "whole family".  No wonder Shawn is pissed.  Never get between a trophy wife and the spousal wallet.

This is Shannon Engemann, the sultry sister-in-law. 
Gotta hand it to the old pussy hound,  
she's like the hottest babe in the trailer park. 

This is going to get much worse.  Lawyers have been retained and the guns are loaded.  Shawn has a 2008 stint in rehab for addiction to painkillers.  Larry says Shawn was banging the soccer coach.  Shawn and Larry also have two kids and houses galore to fight over.   (Two kids!!  I would have thought that old mummy's balls were filled with nothing but dust.)  All this and no pre-nup.  Ouch!

The Funeral Guy's marital history has had its share of complications, but holy shit, this is one nasty clusterfuck.



  1. I have read a lot of stories about Larry lately, but this one, by our own Funeral Guy, is not only stunningly comprehensive, but the most entertaining by far. Hats off FG! Those stiffs you work on don't know what their missing!

  2. Thanks, tbird, for the kind words.