Sunday, April 18, 2010

The Nanny State vs The State of Inebriation.

My absolute favorite picture in the genre of drunk chick behavior. 

Thirty years ago Laura Hall, 20, would have been my dream girl.  Young, cute and a total fucking lush.

 Laura Hall.  Good time party girl.
Is that a crime? 

This story should put Laura in the All Time Top 10 of Drunk British Chicks but it is infuriatingly lacking in details.  We have the fact that Laura's been slapped with an Asbo for being a blotto bimbo.  We talked about Asbo's here.  Basically, an Asbo (Anti-social behavior order) is a civil order to stop acting like a yob or a slatternly laddete.  (It's a Brit thing.)  You're not exactly a criminal, but you're far from a model citizen.  It's kind of like being grounded.  Only by the state instead of your parents.

So Laura violates the Asbo for continuing to be chronically crocked.  The next step?  A DBO.  This is a Drinking Banning Order and it means just what it says.  YOU MAY NO LONGER BUY LIQUOR OR ENTER AN ESTABLISHMENT THAT SERVES LIQUOR.  WE, THE GOVERNMENT, HAVE SPOKEN.

What makes Laura the Grand Mistress of Stew Bums is that her DBO extends to all of Britain and Wales.  That is a first.  Bitch has to hop a ferry to Ireland to get her drink on.  All this and she's not even 21.  Although I think the legal drinking age in Britain is 11.  (Lexxie, check that one for me, will ya?  That's a girl.)

This is the nanny state bullshit that Britain is becoming known for.  The police are fucking worthless when it comes to dealing with real crime so they spend their time hassling the citizenry over petty little shit.  No wonder the people drink themselves to the point where the whole country should be in some kind of fucking rehab.

Now I'm not saying that Laura isn't an extremely annoying, slutty little whiskey sponge.   Like I said, it's impossible to tell from the story just what exactly are the specific behaviors that got her banned from every pub and liquor selling establishment in the country.   How bad do you have to be to be the one degenerate rummy singled out in an island nation overflowing with them?  Was she puking on folks in the public house?  (Eeeeuuuuwww!)  Or drunkenly screwing strangers on park benches?  (Haaaaawt!!)  Whatever.  If she's committing crimes throw her in the chokey and sentence her to some kind of program.  If she's just a garden variety souse, then let her have at it until she decides to get help or dies of cirrhosis.   Don't throw some stupid unenforceable ban on the woman, pat yourself on the back and say, "Well that's that, then.  Job well done."

This brings to mind a time in the 80's when your humble narrator was bum-rushed from a local Irish bar in Burbank for being too shit-faced on St. Patrick's Day.  St. Patrick's Day, for god's sake!  Have I ever mentioned I'm of Irish heritage?  This was a moment of clarity that eventually brought me around to sobriety.

So just one thought for Laura.  Honey, you're only 20.  You don't want to be a doughy, bleary-eyed barfly at 35, do you?   Hopefully your moment of clarity will come sooner than mine did.  Believe me, it'll save you a whole world of grief.

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