Sunday, April 25, 2010

Jon Gosselin...Coming soon to a homeless shelter or a dumpster near you.

Slow news day so I was going through the archives here at TFG and saw that I was way too obsessed with the Gosselins for a time there.  See here and here and here and here and here.  Whew!!  (Quote from my daughter.  "You're too old to be looking at all that celebrity shit.  It's embarrassing that you know so much about these people."  That's me, dear 'ol Dad.  Embarrassing my kid since 1995.)

Be that as it may, I'm going to allow myself a bit of an update.  So sue me.

First up, Jon.  Jon is having a bit of a cash flow problem.  He's on the hook to Kate for $22,000 a month for child support which he trying to get reversed.  Along with just regular bills that has got to be some nut for a dude with no job and few prospects.  What's a guy to do?  Sell your BMW, that's what.  Jon is trying to unload the car that he bought when he and Kate were hillbilly rich.  (Jon was formerly an IT analyst and Kate an RN.  If it hadn't been for that dopey TV show they and all their munchkins would be on food stamps like that fucking leach, Octomom.)  Anyway, he's trying to get $25,000 for his pussy magnet of a car.  Great.  Not exactly a long term solution.  What are you going to do next month, Jon?

Well, like good 'ol boy Joe Buck in Midnight Cowboy, Jon gonna get hisself manwhored out to a rich sugar momma.  (Although whoring didn't work out so well for this guy.)  Rumor has it that some 40-something woman in D.C. is going to give him a go.  Hopefully, for the sake of his future livelihood his oral skills are super scary good since both of his post-Kate girlfriends went to the media to disparage his teeny tallywhacker.  They even said they bonded over the laughter.  Just a couple of new frenemies yukking it up over the under endowed penis of the guy they both fucked so they could get their pictures on the gossip interwebs.  Lovely.  Just for the record, Kate joins the pile-on and confirms that she used to refer to Jon's pecker as "stubby".  Guys?  Hell hath no fury.

Alright!!...alright, already.  It's three.  Three inches.
Are there any other questions? 

Meanwhile, Kate, who is the slightly more marketable one of these two dysfunctional personalities, is desperately determined to keep the fame train on the track.  Her mortifying performance on Dancing With The Stars, was dancing only in the sense that there was music playing and her legs propelled her from one end of the stage to the other.  (I'd like to take this opportunity to gratefully thank Joel McHale and his wonderful show The Soup for sparing me from having to actually watch these awful fucking shows.)  You really had to witness this human disaster "dancing" to appreciate just how abysmally bad it was.  Imagine being a worse dancer than former Majority Leader of the House, Tom DeLay.

You almost have to admire the tenacity with which Kate Gosselin pursues her famewhoredom.   Look-at-me...I wrote a book!!! About faith and kids?...yeah, well...they really like the nanny. Wal-Mart...Kate...getting a Starbucks...Kate gets a new hairstyle...90's MILF!!  Documented for us almost every day.

And now Kate informs us in an interview that she hasn't had sex in 15 months.  "I'm married to my kids and my career." she says.  What a bullshit statement.  She a "mom" in name only and she's made a talentless void of a career out of getting her picture on "celebrity" websites.  A pretty amazing hustle when you think about it.

Hey Kate.  If you're looking to break your dry spell
I showed this picture to my co-worker 
and he paid you the ultimate compliment.
"I'd tap it."

And the celibacy?  She looks good enough that somebody should be giving her a good boinking soon.  Maybe afterwards he'll go on TV and talk about how loose her pussy was.  We can all have a good laugh then, can't we.

1 comment:

    With video!