Quick hits....

England has some of the oddest celebrities.  Meet the pop duo Jedward.  They are lamenting that they've never had girlfriends.  Two thoughts.  One...(The obvious) They're gay.  Two...They're straight and at 18 so horny that even their hair has a boner.  You need to do something about that, lads.

Never had girlfriends?

How is that possible? 

Now we have even more of a reason not to read Playboy.  In its embarrassing desperation to remain relevant, your grandpa's stroke book is going to have a 3-D centerfold.  Why yes, I understand all those young whippersnappers on the world wide web really groove on 3-D.  Like when the moving picture Avatar came out.  Now they can hold a real 3-D girl in their hot little hand.  While the other hand does what comes naturally.  How awful would it be to have your mom catch you beating off with those stupid cardboard glasses on your face?  Almost as humiliating as wanking to a centerfold of Marge Simpson. (Playboy November 2009)

3-D Centerfold Hope Dworaczyk. 

It's like she could reach out to help you get off. 

A reality show in Australia has everyone all up in arms for its premise of auctioning off the virginity of several chaste young people of both sexes.  I suppose with the guys you'd have to take their word for it.  First-timers are usually (by definition) not that skilled in the sack, but it would be interesting to see if a bidding war develops between Lawrence Taylor and Roman Polanski.

Two Virgins.

(You may have to be a boomer to get the joke.)

Also, sorry if you just had dinner. 

The New York Post is reporting on a Dutch study that says being a cougar can shorten your life span.  I don't mean the feline in the jungle cougar, I mean the woman who fucks young guys cougar.  The opposite is true with men.  So to summarize the story.  Old gal, younger guy.  Woman dies early.  Old guy, young chippies.  Man lives longer.  See, being a guy is good beyond the fact that you can write your name in the snow with your pee.  Also, I guess this means that Larry King (76) and his wife, Shawn (50) should be shedding the mortal coil at just about the same time.

Larry and Shawn King.

Til death do they part. 

In France, a 23 year old man fell to his drunken death after attempting to slide down a staircase railing from a bridge.  Not that noteworthy, except this was one of those Facebook organized parties that 20,000 people showed up for to get shit-faced.  No recipe for disaster there.  In related news, a Facebook bacchanalia in Great Britain drew a crowd of 60,000,000 people.  Half of whom perished by falling off things while the other half went blind from pouring Vodka in their eyes.

A Paramount, CA assistant principal found himself in a bit of a kerfuffle when some of his male student studmuffins pranced around the stage during a talent show in their tighty-whiteys and Speedos.  One of the poofie performers, Christian Dominguez, said that they just wanted to "pump up" the crowd.  Guest judges Elton John and Clay Aiken agreed that they were both pumped up...and how!  To avoid any further misunderstandings the LAUSD has decided to move next year's show to Fairfax High School in the hard heart of West Hollywood.

Quit lazin' around there, young fella.

It's showtime!!!

Finally.  There is a pit bull in Long Island, NY that needs Viagra to stay alive.  Don't feel too bad, doggie.  Some of us need Viagra to feel alive.  That and our 3-D Playboy, of course.  And don't forget.  Ask your doctor if you're healthy enough for sex.  And don't take nitrates after using Viagra.

Larry King Update: Shawn's boy-toy talks while Larry's elderly sex obsessions run amok.

The wife, her cooch and the coach. 

The latest rumor is that Larry and the Misses have put their divorce on hold to see if things can be worked out.  Aaaaawwww.  That's nice.  The "You fucked my sister" and "Oh, yeah?  You fucked the Little League coach" poo flinging contest has gone dark for now.

Or has it?  The coach in question is flexing his pecs, opening his yap and giving us the full monty on his Cougar/MILF shagging of the present Mrs. King.  And I must say if Shawn's lady bits are as juicy as the quotes from the coach, Shawn will have every sentient male in the neighborhood lining up for a shot if and when she decides to dump her cadaver of a husband.

Hector Penate, the King kid's baseball coach.

After the game he fucks all the moms 

then does a drive-by.

Shawn's fuck buddy, Hector Penate, 31, told In Touch magazine that it took him all of two and a half weeks to get into Mrs. Hard-To-Get's pants.  And when he did, whoo boy!  Let's hear Hector Fuck 'n' Tell in his own words. "We had sex in Larry's bed -- a lot.  I had sex with Shawn while Larry was on TV. Our sex life was real good."

Some might think that boning a guy's wife in his own bed to be somewhat bad form, but look at the upside.  When the cuckolded hubby has a live TV show all you have to do is turn on the tube, make sure he's there, then have at it.  Hell, fuck her on the kitchen table if you want.  It's not like an angry spouse is going to come walking in the door with a gun anytime soon.

Hector also informs us that Shawn bought him a BMW and paid his rent.  Which in my mind, elevates him from your kid's little league coach to full fledged manwhore.

Good Evening, Ladies and Gentlemen.  This is Larry King Live.  Tonight, I've got a boner...for the full hour!

"So tell me, Pamela.  

What was it you liked best about Tommy Lee's cock.

The length or the girth?"

Meanwhile, back at CNN, Larry is still inexplicably working, despite having senior moments where he forgets who he is and channels Howard Stern.  Last week he asked (and asked, and asked) an embarrassed (how often does that happen?) Pamela Anderson if she wore panties on Dancing With The Stars.  Then a few days ago, he was leeringly agreeing with Sarah Silverman that yes, Sarah Palin should pose nude for Playboy.

I can only imagine that senior CNN executives are starting to give each other the "side-eye" while whispering, "Holy shit, what the hell are we going to do about Larry?"  Well, CNN, you're going to have to do something.  Larry's ratings are starting to tank and he's beginning to act like the old guy in the nursing home that they have to keep a lap robe on because he won't stop masturbating.

The headline I never thought I would write in a million years. Larry King...Bone Daddy!

This just in...Larry King is getting his...I'm going from memory here...I think his 15th divorce.  Oh, sorry, I just re-checked the story.  It's his 8th.  (Larry married wife #3 twice.)   And this one involves more fuckery than the first divorce when his wife caught him laying pipe with Mary Todd Lincoln.  (Back in the Swingin' 60's...the 1860's!!)

"Just keep smiling and don't let go, baby, 

I think I just heard my hip crack." 

Larry, whose birth certificate is written on papyrus in Roman numerals, is currently married to wife number six, Shawn Southwick, 50 and MILF-yyyyyy!  They are now splitsville after 13 years of marriage.  Not the luckiest of numbers but the only one of Larry's that lasted into the double digits.

So what happened?  Easier to say what didn't.  Trouble has been a-brewin' for about the last five years according to sources.  Then in February, Larry took a very public bitch slapping from his wife in front of Nate 'n' Al's restaurant in Beverly Hills.  Shawn is lucky she's not facing a manslaughter rap since an open hand slap could easily kill a guy Larry's age.  Elder abuse is never OK.

What the hell could cause a wife such fury with her decrepit husband.  A cut in the allowance?  Constant bitching about no prune juice in the fridge?   Shitting the bed?  Nooooo.   How 'bout finding out your crypt keeper hubby has been depleting his Viagra supply while buttering the muffin of YOUR SISTER!!!  YOUR YOUNGER SISTER!!!   That's right, dear readers, Larry has been slipping his moldy oldie into the family honey pot.  It's kinda like Tennessee Williams except with old jewish men and their hot shiksa wives.

Shannon Engemann, the home wrecking whore lady in question, denies everything but according to rumors Lusty Larry lavished Shannon with very expensive jewelry and even a car.  Again, Shannon says no hanky panky but admits that Larry has been very generous with the "whole family".  No wonder Shawn is pissed.  Never get between a trophy wife and the spousal wallet.

This is Shannon Engemann, the sultry sister-in-law. 

Gotta hand it to the old pussy hound,  

she's like the hottest babe in the trailer park. 

This is going to get much worse.  Lawyers have been retained and the guns are loaded.  Shawn has a 2008 stint in rehab for addiction to painkillers.  Larry says Shawn was banging the soccer coach.  Shawn and Larry also have two kids and houses galore to fight over.   (Two kids!!  I would have thought that old mummy's balls were filled with nothing but dust.)  All this and no pre-nup.  Ouch!

The Funeral Guy's marital history has had its share of complications, but holy shit, this is one nasty clusterfuck.

Whooo....hooo!