Sunday, February 21, 2010

Android resembling Tiger Woods gives weird speech about something the earthlings call "sex addiction".

Tiger Woods (or the wooden indian they hired to play Tiger Woods) gave a totally pointless press conference Friday morning that by all accounts the entire world took time off to watch.  (Yours truly was out of town and had to catch the reruns.)   I particularly liked all the grim faced women in the front row.  How would you like to come home drunk a 3:00 in the morning to find one of those frowning battleaxes with a rolling pin in her hand?

There is really nothing much to say about the question-less press conference other than I don't think I've ever seen a dude more wanting to be somewhere else in my life.  I think it's beyond obvious that this was a Tiger Corporation ass-covering and an event to hopefully keep the gravy trains running on time.  Nike promptly accepted Tiger's apology, like that wasn't a done deal forgone conclusion.  The press reaction has been mixed to say the least.  Male sports pundits seem to want to put the whole thing away now, while the gyno-pundette sisterhood is still in unforgiving high dudgeon.

Me.  I just don't give a shit.  Golf is boring and I don't understand how anyone can watch it without a bong and an ounce of Turkish hashish.

But, skanks are ALWAYS interesting.  And they're especially interesting when they play the victim card.  First up we have Jamie Jungers.  You remember her.  Lingerie model, "escort" and all around party girl.  Jamie is now, apparently, a professional party girl who gets paid to host bacchanalias in Vegas and other Circles of Hell.  Well, Jamie wants everyone to know that she's "not a home wrecking whore" but thinks that Tiger should also apologize to her and the other mistresses too.  (Whom we'll assume are also not "home wrecking whores".)  Jamie, who wants to transition into modeling and acting also states that "I don't want to be known as Tiger Woods' mistress my whole life."  A little advice, my diminutive doxy?  The moment you are no longer known as Tiger Woods' mistress is the moment you will no longer be paid to host parties.  That seems like nice work if you can get it, so you might want to play this out for as long as you can before you have to start thinking about a real job.  Which for you I  assume will be either be $20.00 for a hand job or $50.00 for a blow job.

Jamie Jungers is living proof that the best way to apply makeup 
is with a paint gun and a putty knife.  
Such a natural beauty should have no problem
 finding actress/modeling work when her 15 minutes of fame
 as a home wrecking whore poor seduced victim 
of a sex addicted golfer is over. 
Photo chosen because The Funeral Guy always 
appreciates a demure panty flash along with an "O" face.  

But Jamie Jungers is stone cold boring compared to Veronica Siwick-Daniels which is the not-fucking-in-front-of-the-camera name of Joslyn James, porn star extraordinaire and another check mark on Tiger's sniz to-do list.  Joslyn (let's call her JJ for short) watched the Tiger embarrassment fest accompanied by her feminazi ambulance chasing lawyer, Gloria Allred and a room full of reporters.  After the no-apologies-to-the-home-wrecking-whore-constituency pseudo press conference, JJ cried tears as big as horse turds as Gloria went on and on about how Tiger professed undying love for his pneumatic
bobble-titted porn star, JJ.  Breaking her heart and getting her twice pregnant and boo hooo, men are such shits and you can't just use women and toss them away and more boo hoo hooooooo.'d have to have a heart of stone not to laugh.  (Thank you, Oscar Wilde.)   Anyway, this is clearly a play for the greenbacks and I think Gloria is making a mistake hitching her wagon to this particular (porn) star.  Even JJ's family thinks she's a lying strumpet and a sociopath.  Just to put more icing on this gooey cake, JJ's a deadbeat mom that's ten grand in arrears on her child support.  Nice.  Now there's a 10 year old son to go along with the rest of the proud as punch family.

The pregnancy angle is a particular howler.  Considering JJ's profession wouldn't that be a bit like loading a shotgun with the jism of a hundred men and blasting it up her porny poonanny and hoping the gazillionaire golfer goop is the one that sticks?

Real whore and famewhore.  Joslyn James and Gloria Allred. 
Gloria apparently told Joslyn to 
dress down for the news conference 
so JJ decided to look like Patty Hearst as a 
disguised 70's terrorist ready to rob a bank.  

This is Joslyn when she's not pretending to be some poor victim 
by the name of Veronica Siwick-Daniels.  It took me about 5 seconds of  Googling to find one of Joslyn's tamer scenes of interracial/triple penetration skankitude.  
To quote Mrs. Funeral Guy, 
"Yuck.  I'll never get that one out of my head." 

If you didn't see Hannity Friday night here's a snippet of the Battle of the Botoxed Lawyer Broads.  A real classic smackdown between Jeanine Pirro and Gloria Allred.   These two have so many chemicals in their faces that I'm sure that there must be a hazmat team standing by in case there's an explosion.  Jeanine is 58 years old and is pretty MILF-y.  Gloria is 68 and I suppose you could say she's a GILF but she's always wearing turtlenecks so you know that she's hiding some major turkey wattles underneath.

I'll have to give this one to Jeanine by a knockout.  Clearly, Gloria didn't have much to work with.  Even she must have had a hard time shoveling that bullshit with a straight face, but I suppose the fact that her face is unable to move helps somewhat.  It's kind of hard to make an argument that some man did your client wrong when she fucks strange dudes in front of a camera for a living.  That coupled with the fact that it wasn't exactly a secret that her "lover" Tiger Woods was married with kids.  Good try, though.

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