Monday, July 20, 2009

Died on this date:

Vince Foster-Father of a thousand conspiracy theories. July 20, 1993 (Age 48)

Clinton White House consigliere, alleged paramour of Hillary Clinton and alleged disposer of thousands of Clinton murder victims, Vince Foster was found on July 20, 1993 in Ft. Marcy Park, dead from a gunshot wound to the mouth. Oceans of ink have been spilled over the fuckery of the Clinton years - Mena airport, Travelgate, Filegate, bimbo eruptions, ad infinitum. My personal theory is that one day he realized through his Trazadone stupor, that yes, he had been having sexual relations with that woman, Mizz Hillary. This sudden awareness was, as it would be for any man, too much, and he blew his brains out. Frankly, any more thinking on the subject of the Clinton years gives me a migraine of biblical proportions. So I have decided to (to coin a phrase) Move On.

Bruce Lee-Karate Guy/Actor. July 20, 1973 (Age 32)

Bruce Lee popularized the "Choppy Socky" flick and inspired to this day generations of boys to fling themselves about, kicking over mom's knick-knacks while making screeching chicken noises and fierce looking faces. A seemingly perfect physical specimen; Bruce Lee keeled over and died for no discernible reason. Leading, of course, to a million conspiracy theories involving Chinese Triads, Yakuza, Mafia and myriad other shadowy figures who supposedly wanted him dead. Hey, maybe.

Jim Fixx-Runner. July 20, 1984 (Age 52)

The guy who made a fortune re-inventing as a sport something our ancestors started the first time they saw a saber-toothed tiger. Running. He's the one responsible for those little nylon running shorts. Think Farrah Fawcett (HOT!!!!!) or Richard Simmons (GAY!!!!!!) I think he (along with Michael Jordan) can take the blame for $600 athletic footwear. Anyway, Jim Fixx, a man with about 2% body fat dropped dead of a heart attack after one of his runs. Giving couch potatoes everywhere the last laugh and an unanswerable retort when the wife tells you to get your fat ass out of the lazy boy and get some exercise. "Wadda 'ya want me to do? Have a heart attack?"

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