When I'm done trashing your music I want all you kids TO GET THE HELL OFF OF MY LAWN!!!!

Lady GaGa, Katy Perry and Adam Lambert. Who are they? Why should you care? Because they represent the new theatricality in popular music, that's why. So sayeth my Sunday LA Times Calendar this morning. Now this article was way long so I really only skimmed the damned thing. (Actually, I was kind of constipated this AM so I read even less of the paper than I normally do. The LA Times gets crapper time only.) So anyway I'm reading this and thinking, "Who doesn't do this kind of act these days?" Every TV show with music that I see, with the notable exception of Palladia, is the same make your head explode crap. Madonna, Britney, Beyonce, Gwen, Christina. You know who you are. Am I having a fucking nightmare on a cruise ship crossing the River Styx? Or is Dante's Ninth Circle one endless Vegas showroom after another with each one presenting a slightly different version of the musical revue, Boy-lesque!! Dancers, dancers, dancers. Spectacle, spectacle, spectacle. Totally forgettable, interchangeable synthesized music with lots of back up singers. Well, maybe the backup singers are singing, but the star is lip syncing because she's too busy DANCING!!!!!!!

Whatever happened to 4 or 5 guys with guitars and a drummer that's bashing the shit out of his kit? Minimal stage set. Maybe a backdrop logo and a couple of explosions here and there. (Don't want to get rid of all the bombast.) I know there are good bands out there. But you know they aren't the ones bringing in the big money. The aforementioned Palladia has some really good HD concerts and they're not all just the usual rock dinosaurs. (Ironically, Palladia is part of the MTV networks. You know MTV. Once upon a time they invented music television but they now specialize in puerile 20-something "reality" shows featuring the worst examples of Downfall of Western Civilization skankitude that you're ever likely to see.)

I know it's a different time, but when I see these kids on American Idol nodding like bobble heads while taking a bunch of crap from that judging panel of schlockmeisters, I just want to give them a shake and tell them, "Get your ass in a van, travel around the country, sing in front of as many people as you can, come back in a couple of years and knock us dead."

That's just a dream though. I know the drill these days. Have a cute face. Sing as many notes as you can. Do a little dance. And maybe Simon Cowell will tell you that you don't suck.

I think I'll go listen to some Led Zeppelin and pretend that my head is three feet from Bonham's bass drum.