Friday, January 15, 2010

Earthquakes aren't natural disasters. There must be someone or something we can pin it on.

Pat Robertson.
The insane drunk at the end of the bar.
Christian edition. 

I closed my last post with the hope that God would help the Haitian people through the catastrophic earthquake and its aftermath.  I obviously spoke too soon since I've learned that Pat Robertson, the always cringe producing Christian broadcaster, has placed the blame squarely on...are you ready?...the Haitian people themselves.  That's right.  God's righteous wrath has smote the hapless Haitians for supposedly making a pact with Satan himself to get rid of the French in the 1800's.  Wow, who knew?  Selling your soul is a decision that would require a great deal of...sorry...soul searching, but to get rid of the French it just might be a fair bargain.  Pat Robertson has a propensity for saying things that make God look petty and peevish so I would avoid standing next to Pat during the next disaster for fear of being collateral damage when God finally flings a lightning bolt at him for saying such stupid shit.

Danny Glover.
Actor, activist, commie-cuddling crackpot.

Not to be outdone by pre-Alzheimer's preachers, D list actor Danny Glover, last seen with his nose firmly planted in the assholes of Hugo Chavez and Fidel Castro, farted out this brilliant observation from the rutabaga that passes for his brain.  "Whatever happened in Haiti could happen anywhere in the Caribbean because all these island nations are in peril because of global warming.  When we see what we did at the climate summit in Copenhagen, this is the response, this is what happens, you know what I'm sayin'?"  Yes, Dr. Glover of the University of Dumbass, I do know what you're sayin'.  Global warming causes earthquakes especially in the Caribbean because its never been hot there before.  Brilliant.

So, let's see what we have so far.  The lefties blame Bush and Cheney.  Pat Robertson blames the Haitians for sucking up to Satan for favors.  And Danny Glover blames global warming.

Me?  I blame Tiger Woods.  Yes, Tiger Woods.  His incessant humping over the last few years (a lot of it in Florida, right down the road from Haiti, see!...see!) loosened the tectonic plates and BOOM!    Catastrophic earthquake.  You can look it up.  It's science.

1 comment:

  1. A fundamentalist Christian believes in an ongoing spiritual warfare says that a voo-doo dominated country made a pact with the devil to get rid of the French (which as you say, may have been worth it). Why is anyone surprised? Does anyone think Voo-Dooism is compatible with Christianity? Pat Robertson did NOT actually say (although the implication may be there) that the earthquake was a result of that pact.

    I think the lefty newscasters have unfairly jumped on the comment and twisted it well beyond that Pat Robertson actually said.

    And don't get me started on similar pacts involving a certain religion of peace whose founder said he was being hounded by devils, but his wife told him otherwise. (Shades of Adam and Eve?)