Saturday, November 14, 2009

Quick Crime Hits For The Weekend.

As is their MO, the Obama administration announced on Friday while the Big Guy was out of town, that some terrorists will be tried as criminals in criminal courts, can we a least concede that they're reaaaaaaallllllyyyy, reaaaaaaaalllllyyy, BAD CRIMINALS?

With that in mind, we at TFG didn't want some of our more colorful mischief makers to get short shrift.

Pedo Perv Pinched.

David Roberts.  When he pounds his pud on his webcam 
does he think young girls mistake 
him for that dude in Twilight? 

Here's one from the UK Telegraph.   Cheryl Roberts, of Brigend, south Wales suspected that her husband, David, was doing a little more than just checking the Drudge Report during his alone time on the computer.  So she got on another computer and pretended to be a 14 year old girl and BINGO!  What did David do?  He started thumping his dummy, of course, and Cheryl turned him in to the coppers.

David, who also had tons of kiddie porn on his computer, realized he was busted big time, and pled out to indecency and other charges.   Mr. Hey-Little-Schoolgirl has to register as a sex offender, serve three years community service, with no internet,  and no kid contact.  And, oh, yeah, Mrs. Roberts said, "See you in divorce court."  Which leaves us with the question.  How would you rather get busted?  Your wife on the other computer?  Or Chris Hansen coming in from the kitchen?

This is Cheryl Roberts.  What the fuck!!??  
Maybe she has some explaining to do.
She's nude in front of the computer!

Bigger Boobs...Big Scam.

A 24 year old Texas woman, Trista Joy Lathern, was apparently feeling a little insecure about her man. So she said to herself, "I know what will bring joy to his heart and a spark to his pecker."  You got it.  Brand new plastic bazoos!  One problem.  Trista...she ain't got no money.  What to do, what to do?  I know.  Fake breast cancer, put on a big, old benefit and put the arm on the kind-hearted townsfolk and get some cash for some bigger lady lumps.  She even shaved her head so she would look like she was getting chemo.  What could go wrong with that?  She fooled friends, co-workers, and radio stations that promoted the event.  After getting the money, she went to a plastic surgeon who got suspicious because he knew about the event but she didn't mention any cancer.  He ratted her out to his attorney and he told the cops.  In the interim she found another plastic surgeon and got her new funbags.

I don't know how bad her tits were, 
but a makeover to something a little less dykey 
might have helped keep her man.

Oh, what a tangled web we weave.  When the truth came out everyone was understandably pissed.  Trista was arrested (she also had an outstanding warrant for a bad check) and her husband of 7 months filed for annulment and custody of their two sons, 5 and 3.  Uh-oh, I think somebody flunked little bastard math.  No word yet on whether the bolt-ons will be removed and auctioned off to pay restitution.

Degenerate Molesting Preacher Sentenced

Tony and Susan Alamo in the 70's.  
No red flags here, just matching shirts
made from Italian restaurant tablecloths. 

Tony Alamo, an unhinged "pastor" who I swear has been littering parking lots with his stupid pamphlets for at least 50 years, was finally sentenced to the stony lonesome for doing that thing that all cult of personality religious fruitcakes end up doing.  Taking little girls and making them brides.  How creepy is that?  I don't know.  Ask David Koresh, Jim Jones, FLDS leader, Warren Jeffs, Children of God founder, David Berg, and a whole bunch of men in Islamic countries.

Perverted old goat sporting a goatee. 
Off to the Big House.

Alamo, who is 75, got a 175 year slam down by the judge, but that's OK.  As long as he minds his P's and Q's while in the joint, he should be eligible for parole when he's 163.

Exploited Stripper or Psycho Femi-nazi. 

Another licentious lass from across the pond, Sophie Mardon, 26, is either a major bitch or a feminist heroine depending on your point of view.

Sophie Mardon.  
Pissed-off pole dancer prepared poisoned pudding.

Sophie, who was a clerical worker by day and saucy stripper by night, was found guilty of trying to poison her boyfriend, Martyn Kay, 31, his brother Neal, 26, and their father, Neil, 55, by putting anti-freeze in their pudding.  A sweet, creamy dessert turned deadly!  Fortunately, it tasted like such shite that the guys turned thumbs down and didn't eat a fatal amount.   She left them notes apologizing for the attempt and was arrested, but then stabbed Martyn in the leg while they were together in the car.  And you thought you had some batshit crazy girlfriend stories.

Sophie's explanation for this sorry episode (for which she received 33 months) is that in addition to her day job, her stripping job (Martyn coerced her into this, she claims) she was expected to do the housework.  Somebody call Gloria Steinhem, there's male chauvinist oppression afoot!  She'd probably burn her bra but I'm guessing she's already tossed it to someone at the bar in the strip club.

I'm hoping that when she gets out that she and Martyn can make amends.  She may still have to do a little housework but nobody will be asking her what's for dessert.

My Emergency?  I'm Horny!

Joshua Basso, 29,  of Tampa, Florida (yes, you read that right, Florida again) is the biggest dumb-ass-waste-of-space moron on God's green earth.   Josh, (can I call you Josh?  'Cause you really are fucking hilarious) called 911 for phone sex.  No.  I'm not shitting you.  Why would even a low double digit IQ retard like Josh call 911 for a voice to beat his meat to?  Because his cell phone was out of minutes and 911 is free that's why.  Well, duuuuhhhh.  Gotta give him credit for at least that light bulb of logic switching on.

Joshua Basso.  Look at those eyes.  
This man is no stranger to substance abuse.  
Not to mention self-abuse.

According to the police report, Josh got a female operator on the 911 line and began asking her about her tits and her ass and if he could fuck her.  The usual heavy breather routine and all the while Joshie happily fap-fap-fapping away.  The call was easily traced and Joshua was arrested.   Not for the first time you may be shocked to find out.

Josh.  Some advice.  Stop smoking ganja.  Get a job, and get a plan with unlimited minutes.

"Dem Bones, Dem Bones, Dem Dry Bones"

Death Valley.  
It's not called Death Valley for nothing.  
Stay the fuck out.

OK.  Last one.  May or may not be a crime.  Some bones were found in Death Valley that may be linked to the disappearance of 4 German tourists back in 1996.  Skeletal remains and some identifying papers were found and authorities are waiting for test results to confirm identification.

I've had a died-in-the-desert person at the funeral home.  Bleached bones and a little hair.  There may be only one sure-fire way to identify if these bones are, in fact, the missing German tourists.  And that is if, on their bony, skeletal feet are these:

Socks with sandals.  
The preferred footwear of German tourists the world over.

1 comment:

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