Weekend hits for giggles and shits.

If the Rapture came I was Left Behind along with everyone else in my field of vision.  Who knew I was surrounded by so many Satan Worshippers?  Including my own beloved Mrs. Funeral Guy.  A woman who faithfully reads her Bible every morning.  (And no, I'm not kidding.)  Wouldn't you if I were your husband?

Now that's out of the way and we can stop laughing at the one guy who convinced a lot of folks that he was the only person that knew the unknowable.  ("No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father." Matthew 24:36 NIV)  


As for myself, had the End Times arrived I would have either been off to paradise (hopefully) or....been spending whatever was left of this earthly existence burying and cremating little piles of clothes and shoes.  Hmmmm...I probably would have had to readjust the General Price List and planned a retirement party for the embalmer.  


So what else has been going on?


The fad of Planking keeps the Comedy Gold coming. 

Simon Hallam's pet fish planking on his hand. 

Planking is back in the news.  I guess enough idiots haven't killed or gravely injured themselves yet to stop this fad dead in its tracks (tee hee).  A 20 year old Aussie dude fell off the boot (I think that's the trunk in American talk) of a moving car and is now hospitalized in an induced coma.   Simon Hallam, who according to the story is a plasterer by trade has shown that you don't have to be plastered to do something this stupid.  Just be an Australian plasterer.  Charges are pending against the driver.  Australia seems to be the hotbed of this mindless idiocy.  I think I heard once that they drink a lot there.  What's next?  Planking on the back of a Great White Shark?  Planking on the wing of a jumbo jet during take-off?  The possibilities are endless.


"Bloodshot Eyes Crying in the Rain" 

The Red Headed Stranger getting ready to study 

the many issues on his ballot pamphlet.

Former New Mexico Governor, Gary Johnson, has garnered the coveted Willie Nelson presidential endorsement.  Johnson who is a Republican with strong libertarian leanings is a drug legalization advocate.  Willie, is a lifelong pot and shroom enthusiast so this is a case of politician/constituent synchronicity.   Wait a minute...hold the phone...this just in from the Nelson camp.

"This just proves what I thought all along.  Gary Johnson is a great American.  He will make a great president if elected.  And I will support him all the way in the GOP primary.  I also support Dennis Kucinich on the Dem side if he decides to run.  They are great Americans and I'm proud to support both of them."  

So Willie endorses two candidates.  Is he so stoned he votes twice?  This is the problem with your base being blasted on de' 'erb, mon.   They're highly motivated, but only to lean forward from the couch to grab the bong and the bic.

 Mick and Keith...Does anyone really care anymore?

The Glimmer Twins, back when their love 

was a fresh as the first spring rain.

Rumor from across the pond is that Mick Jagger has a new band and the Stones are finito.   Dave Stewart (Eurythmics) will play the other grandpa with Mick along with Joss "Will Fuck For Tracks" Stone as the saucy granddaughter and a couple of other really foreign looking duds (typo but I'll keep it) who I've never heard of to round out the diversity quotient (and the wacky neighbor role...like a sitcom). The name of this super duper supergroup is reportedly Super Heavy.  Wow, that's heaaaavvvyyyy, maaaaaaaaan!!  Super heavy.  

Keith Richards and his homosexual lover longtime bandmate are feuding because in Keith's autobiography Mr. Richards portrays Mick as a complete fucking tool with a small tallywacker to boot.  Yeah...that would probably piss me off too.

No Sale...No Tail!

Sorry Eliot, no politicians at this Poon Party.

Munich Re is a big assed German insurance company.  It is so big that it is actually in the business of insuring other insurance companies.  Damn...who even knew?   Didn't we fight a bloody war in the 40's to prevent Krauts from having big stuff?  They always do bad things with big stuff.  

Anyhoodle, it is good to be a salesman at Munich Re.  It was revealed that in 2007 the company had a big shebang (tee hee) in Budapest and rewarded the top salesmen with a snizz party.  With typical German efficiency the strumpets got their hand stamped after each servicing.  A trollop timecard if you will.  They even wore colored wristbands.  The white ones were really good whores reserved for the really good salesman.  The ones with the yellow wristbands had pimples on their ass, saggy tits and hadn't been to a doctor for a while.  The not-so-top sales guys got the bargain basement snooch.  Bummer. Work a little harder next quarter asshole.  At least they gone some action. The bottom of the sales force got bupkis.  In the immortal words of Blake in Glengarry Glen Ross, "Put. That. Pussy. Down.  Pussy's for closers."  

Oh....the top tier female salesforce?   Uh....Tupperware, I guess. 

With each promotion you get one free rape!

IMF Banker Ima Suckyouoff on her way 

to a meeting on Nigerian debt relief. 

Which brings us to more Eurotrash fuckery.  We all know about DSK (The IMF rapist so famous he's now known by his initials.  That's way cooler than Madonna or Cher even!)   Well, the manhole is now off the sewer and it is now coming out that the IMF is basically just one big Naughty Vicar and the Serving Wench sketch on the Benny Hill Show.  A lot of the women even eschewed wearing skirts to tamper down the ardor of the ever priapic economists.  Who said all that international finance stuff was boring?  After reading the article it's more like being a rock star with a Savile Row suit.   

Australian man odds-on early favorite in 2011 Darwin Awards competition.

Planking?  No, thanks.  I'll stick to wanking and yanking or even sexy spanking and suggest you do the same.  (And ladies?  Keep doing whatever it is that you do.)  I'd never heard of this and you know at my age I just love to stay hep to all the hijinks that the youngsters are grokking.

 This is planking.  Lying stiffly on something and 

having your photo taken. Yep, that's it. 

 Ladies, you're supposed to be smarter than this. 

Planking is lying down in unusual places, your body stiff as a board, being photographed, then posting the results on social networking sites, (i.e. Facebook) for the hilarious effect and thigh slapping amusement of your peer group.  (i.e. other young idiots.)  Harmless fun, I suppose.  It's always harmless fun...UNTIL SOMEBODY DIES!!!

Aussie Acton "Foolish" Beale.  Perpetuating the stereotype of 

good looking guy equals not a lot upstairs.  

And the Grim Reaper is exactly who Mr. Acton Beale met after he unsuccessfully tried to plank himself on a 5cm wide balcony railing.  He then rather predictably by my estimation, fell into the afterlife.  5 centimeters is just a cunt hair under 2 inches for those of us who use real American measuring standards.  Think about that.  Lying stiffly supine on a two inch railing seven stories above the ground.  What could possibly go wrong?   It's not like they put railings on elevated areas to keep people from falling off.  No, they must be there so you can lie on them like a piece of wood.  Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.  Can it get any funnier?   Nobody saw Acton fall which strikes me odd since isn't the photo the whole point?  Maybe he was doing the arms length self photo which has been perfected by amateur internet sluts taking pictures of their asses in their filthy bathrooms.

Be that as it may, Mr. Beale has become a cautionary tale as Aussie police are advising all the young boneheads to have your fun but be safe.  Duh.  Small comfort and a little late for the parents of Mr. Beale as they plan his funeral.

Stupid is as stupid does has been the province of the young for all recorded history.  My parent's generation swallowed goldfish and stuffed as many people in a phone booth as possible.  My fellow boomers simply took copious amounts of drugs.   At least we had the payoff of a nice buzz before the occasional demise from an overdose.

Planking?  More stupid than drugs.  Just say no.