Thursday, October 22, 2009

Gives new meaning to the phrase "tore him a new asshole."

Ouch.  I can barely stay sitting to write about this story.  I don't know if this is a government health care screw up or not, but no matter.  Shit happens no matter who's the doc.

Full Disclosure:  This is not the man with the robot rectum.  
This is the only suitably pained Asian face that 
I could find on Google.

Imagine you come out of surgery and the doctor tells you "I've got the good news and the bad news.  The good news is that tumor we removed from your ass didn't have any cancer cells.  The bad news is we didn't discover this fact until we took out your old rectum and gave you an artificial rectum."  Talk about being the butt of a lot of bad jokes.

This happened in Japan and the man sued the ass off the hospital.  Frankly, I thought the Japanese were more detail oriented than this.  The settlement is reported to have been 35 million yen.  Which considering the seriousness of the fuck up should be what in real money?  40-50 billion dollars?  No way, domo arigato, Mr. Roboto.  That 35 million yen comes out to a lousy $416,171 American.  Bottom line.  I guess there is no Japanese equivalent to our Mega Tort Lawyer John Edwards who could channel the spirit of the man's lost dumper to open the the hearts of the Japa-jury to give Mr. Missing Ass a more suitable payday.

Now I have about a million questions.  Did anybody else even know that they could do this?  A bionic poop chute?  What's it made out of?  Plastic, I would think.  Maybe the same kind of stuff they make the "Real Doll" out of.  How does it connect to your bunghole?  Do they use your existing sphincter or do you get a new one?   If so how does that work?  Can you get a choice of colors?  (Orange is the new brown!)  Will your farts still stink?   Or will they have that kind of  plasticky smell?  What if you're a man who likes a certain kink kind of sex with other mens?  Is that allowed?  Does it require a more sensitive partner or is it Damn The Torpedoes Full Speed Ahead because your bum is now indestructible?  Are you spared the agony of hemorrhoids for a lifetime?

See what I mean?  The mind boggles.  I want answers people!

Bonus points.  Without looking how many ass and poop puns are in this post? 

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