Halloween Monster...for reals!

Another cool link from tbird (who wastes more time looking for weird stuff on the interwebs than I do).  Be sure to watch the short video to see this unholy critter make short work of a fish.

 I wouldn't let my big toe anywhere near this thing, 
much less my dick.

This hideous creature which can potentially grow up to 3 meters long (that's almost 9 feet American) is known as the Bobbit Worm.  Why Bobbit you say?   Because it eats it's mate's penis after mating, that's why.  Remember Lorena, every man's nightmare?

I have a tacit agreement with sea monsters.  I won't go in your ocean.  You stay out of my hot tub.

For those not up for trick or treating, settle in with a good horror flick.

Good list of Top 100 Horror Movies.

I woke up beside her once.  Really bad breath.

I can't find much to argue with here with a few exceptions.  To me Scream was a comedy and The Blair Witch Project was over-hyped, barely watchable, and not even remotely scary.

I'm in total agreement with top choice #1.  When it was  re-released a few years back I had my oh-so-jaded kids watch it and they were scared shitless.  A good horror film can only give the THE BIG SCARE the first time you see it, but #1 on this list still has the power to give you the creeps every time.

Happy Halloween!

Now that's scary!!!!!

Honey, when you go to Wal-Mart pick up some toilet paper and a casket for Mom.

Everybody's favorite stereotype.  

The funeral director as cheesy late-night infomercial salesman. 

Joining Costco in an effort to put individual funeral homes out of business give customers more choice Wal-Mart will now sell you a casket in your time of need.  (The comment section has the usual complaints about greedy funeral directors, yada yada yada.)  The caskets are made by a company called Star Legacy but I've never seen one so I don't know the quality.  I've seen some Costco caskets (Chinese made, I believe) that looked pretty chintzy to this professional eye, but I'm sure most families wouldn't know the difference.  That is until the handles start to pull out on the way to the graveside because the loved one is a bit hefty and the rivets used are third world shoddy.  This I have seen.

Anyway, the point is, and I've written about this before, is that yes the funeral home makes a lot of it's profit from the sale of merchandise.  Caskets, guest book packages, flowers, urns, etc., but nobody ever gives much thought to all the other services we provide.  I notice nobody ever complains about wedding planners and how expensive they are.  Basically, we do the same thing.  We plan and direct an event for your family that tells the world that your loved one's life had meaning.  I happen to think that's important, you may not want to cut into your inheritance.  That's your call to make.  The one difference between funeral directors and wedding planners is they get months to do their work, we get a few days.  But funeral directors are predators of emotionally vunerable people and wedding planners are providers of a joyous event.

So do what you want.  America's a great country.  Lots of choices.  But remember when it's two o'clock in the morning and your 300 pound father is dead on the bathroom floor, wedged between the the toilet and the tub, purging fluids and feces, hopefully your local funeral home will still be in business to come and pick him up.  If it isn't, call Wal-Mart or Costco.  Maybe they can send over a stock boy.

Taylor Swift hooks up with Nazi. Kayne, it's payback time.

Geez, Taylor.  If you're going to hook up with a Nazi that looks like such a pussy, why don't you just go for the real thing?

WHY WASN'T I TOLD ABOUT THIS????!!!!

Just because I'm not a sports fan doesn't mean that I should have been kept in the dark about the Lingerie Football League.  I'm truly worried that I might be slipping into senility.

Died on this date:

Duane Allman

Really good guitar player

Nov. 20, 1946-Oct. 29, 1971

(Age 24)

Daune Allman had a smooth and distinctive style and popularized the use of slide guitar in what came to be called Southern Rock or Blues Rock.  In addition to the hugely successful Allman Brothers Band, Duane was a much sought after session guitarist and in my humble opinion reached his apex with Layla and Other Love Songs by Derek and the Dominos (Double guitars with Eric Clapton.  Magical stuff, for real.)   Rolling Stone magazine rated him the #2 all-time guitarist, right behind Jimi Hendrix.

I saw the Allman Brothers Band back in 1970.  They were 2 hours late, a not uncommon thing in those heady days.  Once the show started nobody cared.  The band smoked.  (And so did the audience.)

From blunt force trauma sustained in a motorcycle accident.

Shut up and sing...Sting.

Example #9874 of why entertainers should just entertain.

When asked about our Beloved President.

"In many ways he's sent from God."  Sayeth the Stingster.

Okaaaay.

Sting.  Looking very bearded and intellectual and wise and shit.

And some say that public defenders usually aren't worth shit.

Some African Irish guy by the name of Weusi McGowan (??!!) got slammed in a San Diego court with 31 years on a robbery beef yesterday.  Normally this sounds a little harsh by today's perp coddling California standards until you read a little further in the story to find that the request for the victim's money was accompanied by a slam to the head with a rock in a sock.

Even with these details this hardly rates a headline in a high crime populous state like California.  It was Weusi's behavior at the beginning of his trial that made him stand out in the crowd.  You see, Mr. McGowan becomes a bit unhinged without his meds.  So when things weren't going quite the way our defendant wanted he took some of his poo that he had hidden in a baggie and smeared it on his lawyer and flung the rest at the jury.  Luckily none of the jurors were struck by the crap missile although one had his computer case befouled.  (McGowan was ordered to pay $129 in restitution.  At the very least, I say!)

 Weusi McGowan preparing for his appeal.

I'm tired right now so the only joke I can think of off the top of my head is.

Q:  What do you call shit smeared all over your lawyer?

A:  Identification.

 Ha Ha.  Feel free to add your own in comments section.

(With apologies to my brother The Conservatarian and my dear late father.  Fine attorneys, both.)

Walking boner headed for sex addict rehab. (Again)

Steve Phillips in happier times.

ESPN has fired baseball analyst Steve "Ever Hard" Phillips for doing things that had he been a talented athlete would have barely rated a blip on the outrage meter.  But since he's only a sportscaster and has humiliated his employer and possibly opened a window on all sorts of corporate winking at sexual harassment and other horny hijinks it was nice knowin' ya' Steve, but ya' gots to go.  Also gone is his schlubby hobbit paramour, Brooke Hundley.  I can only imagine that she was written a huge severance check with Get The Fuck Out Of Here And Keep Your Mouth Shut written on the memo line.

Brooke Hundley blowing something 
other than the men in the office.

So what does the a 21st century man do when his one-eyed trouser worm leads him astray?  He unleashes the howl of the busted horndog.  "Wahhh, I need help, I'm a (drum roll please) SEX ADDICT."  Imagine the multitude of men that have had their asses kicked to the curb by the wife before that "illness" became part of the zietgiest.  It may not always work with all spouses, but it could be that one last chance life preserver to save your family and your assets.  Worth a try, no doubt.

StubHub.com has Phillies-Yankees tickets 
starting at around 300 bucks a pop.  
Is 43 year old Susan Finkelstein a $600 piece of ass?  
I don't think so.  

Too bad Steve couldn't have hooked up with Susan Finkelstein.  Talk about a match made in heaven.  Susan is a Phillies fan.  A big fan.  So big she posted an ad on the interwebs saying she would trade
S-E-X for tickets to the Phillies-Yankess game.  She even said she'd do two guys for two tickets.  Sounds fair to me.  Unfortunately, cops with no sense of fun busted her for prostitution.  I'm sure Steve Phillips probably had plenty of comps for tickets.  Uh...before his ass got fired that is.

The words a father never wants to hear.

Dad.  This is Bapit.  I met him at the Apple store.  We're in love and we're having a baby.

This isn't even the weirdest guy.  More pics here.  My favorite is the guy with the guns, of course.  From Phuket, Thailand.  (Where if you're born there all you can say is "Fuck it.")

h/t  Thanks, tbird.  

Died on this date:

Bill Graham

Rock Impresario

Jan. 8, 1931-Oct. 25, 1991

(Age 60)

Bill Graham was the most well known of the rock promoters of the 60's and 70's.  Between the Fillmore in San Francisco and the Fillmore East in New York every Classic Rock band worthy of the name did shows at the Fillmores.  Some of the best live albums of the period were recorded at the Fillmore, including the Allman Brothers Band, Cream and Humble Pie.

Bill Graham was killed after leaving a Huey Lewis and the News concert near Vallejo, CA when his helicopter crashed into a high voltage tower.  Also killed were his girlfriend, Melissa Gold and pilot Steve Kahn.

I'd hate to have to explain this behavior at the Pearly Gates.

Reverend Ed Hinds

This is some boy-I'm-going-to-Hell-for-this-one heinous crime.  A priest in Chatham, New Jersey was stabbed 32 times in the head and neck with a kitchen knife at the rectory of St. Patrick's Church.  Popular parish priest Reverend Ed Hinds died of his wounds.  Police have made an arrest of the church janitor and here is the big shocker.  Jose Feliciano did it!!  For those of you not of the boomer generation you may not be aware that Jose Feliciano had a bunch of hit records in the late 60's and 70's.  His bluesy, acoustic rendition of The Doors Light My Fire was a particular favorite.  I had no idea that his career had taken such a downturn that the only employment he could find was janitorial work.  What makes it even more poignant is when you remember that Jose was totally blind.  How could the priest not just run away?  You would think that maybe a smaller venue in Vegas or even a cruise ship would have been able to find a spot for an old hitmaker and he wouldn't have been all bitter and angry enough to do something like this.

Jose Feliciano.  Low life priest murderer.  Who 'da thunk it? 

Wait a minute...what's that, honey?...Uh, if you don't mind, I'm trying to finish this.  Whadda 'ya mean it's not that Jose Feliciano.  No...I didn't see the picture on Fox News.  How many Jose Felicianos could there be in the world?  OK...maybe not in the world...but in the United States.   That's a common name if you're Puerto Rican?  You're sure.  No, I don't have to be right all the time.  There's a picture in the paper?  Show it to me.  Oh...well he is wearing glasses...Yes, I can see that they're not sunglasses.  OK...well 'ya gotta admit it was an honest mistake.  Never mind then...I stand corrected.  My apologies to the guitar playing Jose Feliciano.

Jose Feliciano.  Low life priest murderer.  Who 'da thunk it?

Was Steve Phillips unaware that Erin Andrews worked at ESPN?

Erin Andrews.  

Not involved in any way 
with the Steve Phillips scandal, 

but she does work for ESPN
 and that's close enough for this post. 

I know I'm a tad late to this pants down party, but as my regular readers know I am not a sports enthusiast and normally wouldn't know the guy involved in this byzantine story of adultery, fuckery and fatal attraction foolishness if I tripped over him.

Steve Phillips, ESPN baseball analyst and ex-Mets general manager is involved in one of the most complicated, jaw-dropping, what-the-fuck-were-you-thinking scandals that I've seen in...oh...the last two weeks.

Let's try to sort this out, shall we?  Steve, 46, married with four sons, is putting the flesh bone to one of the 22 year-old production assistants at ESPN.  Her name is Brooke Hundley.  The New York Post, which has run about 200 stories on this sordid stupidity, reports that ESPN is a hotbed (tee hee) of these kind of sexcapades.  Staff watching too many episodes of Mad Men perhaps.  Steve, his own self, was given an 8 day leave from the Mets and sued for sexual harassment back in 1998 for laying pipe to a number of fillies on the payroll.  When does this man sleep???!!!   Steve claims that he only did Brooke a couple of times.  Probably one on the desk and one up against the the copy machine.  You know, your standard balls-deep office sex.
 

Steve Phillips, the poor woman's Don Draper.  

Shown here getting an 

on-air hummer underneath the desk.  

All I can say is that Steve must be quite the cocksman because that was more than enough to send Brooke over the moon in love.  It also turned her into a frizzy-haired Glenn Close wannabe ready to put the pet bunny on the boil.  (I WILL NOT BE IGNORED!!!) Yes, that's right.  In addition to cell phone stalking, Brooke even went to Steve and (the wife) Marni's house to drop off a batshit crazy I'm-fucking-your-husband proclamation. (copy here.)  In the letter Brooke even describes a "big birthmark on his crotch right above his penis."  Uh-oh.  Looks like your chance for a blanket denial is off the table there, Big Guy.  On top of all this when Marni comes home and almost catches Ms. Loony Tunes, Brooke speeds off and crashes into a stone wall before finally hightailing it out of there.  Bottom line.  Scared wife calls police, reports are filed, hubby is busted by wife and suspended from work, divorce is in the works, restraining orders are filed by Brooke claiming Steve forced her into sex, and the perfect scandal shit storm is played out in the media to the glee of everyone.  Steve, Marni, and their kids excepted, of course.   I'm sure Brooke is probably doing OK and angling for a reality show as we speak.

Oh wait.  I almost forgot.  You're probably dying to see what kind of smokin' hot temptress would be enough woman for an experienced office lothario like Steve.  The kind of siren whose call any man would be unable to resist.  A woman worth taking the chance of throwing his family, career and all he holds dear under the bus for.

Well, here she is.

And no...I'm not kidding.

Died on this date:

Rosa Parks

Civil Rights Pioneer

Feb. 4, 1913-Oct. 24, 2005

(Age 92)

Rosa Parks with Martin Luther King Jr. in the background. 

On December 1, 1955 Rosa Parks was told to give up her seat on a bus in Montgomery, Alabama so a white person could sit down.  Rosa (bless her heart) in so many words told the bus driving cracker sonofabitch to go fuck himself.  For this simple act of defiance she was arrested.  This eventually led to the Montgomery bus boycott; a pivotal event in the modern civil rights movement.

Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King Jr. were civil rights pioneers of great courage and dignity.  Sadly, standing on the shoulders of their legacy are race baiting buffoonish clowns like you-know-who and you-know-who.

From age related illnesses and progressive dementia.

Happy Friday!

I'm posting this because I love movies and movies with great villains I love most of all.  Great mash up from YouTube.  Watch the whole thing and relive some haunting creepy memories.



h/t Ace

The Passing of a Boomer TV Icon.

Soupy Sales

Funny Man

Jan. 8, 1926-Oct. 22, 2009

(Age 83)

Soupy with two of his favorite characters.  
 Pookie the Lion and Hippie the Hippo.

Soupy Sales, real name Milton Supman, taught the boomer generation of kids what was funny,  Mainly corny jokes, puns and pies in the face.  He would also joke with the camera crew and constantly break the fourth wall.  Soupy was not your average kid show.  My brother and I would watch him every day after school along with the Three Stooges marathons.  My mother was thrilled by the constant re-enactments of the shows up until dinnertime.  We loved all the characters.  Pookie the Lion, Hippie the Hippo, White Fang, Black Tooth, and Soupy's girlfriend Peaches (played by Soupy himself in a blonde wig).  Funny, Funny stuff.  Good times, great memories.  

Comprehensive obituary from the LA Times here. 

I'm hoping that when Soupy got to heaven God hit him in the face with a big celestial pie.  Soupy would have felt right at home. 

From complications of cancer.

Gives new meaning to the phrase "tore him a new asshole."

Ouch.  I can barely stay sitting to write about this story.  I don't know if this is a government health care screw up or not, but no matter.  Shit happens no matter who's the doc.

Full Disclosure:  This is not the man with the robot rectum.  

This is the only suitably pained Asian face that 
I could find on Google.

Imagine you come out of surgery and the doctor tells you "I've got the good news and the bad news.  The good news is that tumor we removed from your ass didn't have any cancer cells.  The bad news is we didn't discover this fact until we took out your old rectum and gave you an artificial rectum."  Talk about being the butt of a lot of bad jokes.

This happened in Japan and the man sued the ass off the hospital.  Frankly, I thought the Japanese were more detail oriented than this.  The settlement is reported to have been 35 million yen.  Which considering the seriousness of the fuck up should be what in real money?  40-50 billion dollars?  No way, domo arigato, Mr. Roboto.  That 35 million yen comes out to a lousy $416,171 American.  Bottom line.  I guess there is no Japanese equivalent to our Mega Tort Lawyer John Edwards who could channel the spirit of the man's lost dumper to open the the hearts of the Japa-jury to give Mr. Missing Ass a more suitable payday.

Now I have about a million questions.  Did anybody else even know that they could do this?  A bionic poop chute?  What's it made out of?  Plastic, I would think.  Maybe the same kind of stuff they make the "Real Doll" out of.  How does it connect to your bunghole?  Do they use your existing sphincter or do you get a new one?   If so how does that work?  Can you get a choice of colors?  (Orange is the new brown!)  Will your farts still stink?   Or will they have that kind of  plasticky smell?  What if you're a man who likes a certain kink kind of sex with other mens?  Is that allowed?  Does it require a more sensitive partner or is it Damn The Torpedoes Full Speed Ahead because your bum is now indestructible?  Are you spared the agony of hemorrhoids for a lifetime?

See what I mean?  The mind boggles.  I want answers people!

Bonus points.  Without looking how many ass and poop puns are in this post? 

Who needs to read a 1500 page health care bill. It's Heather Graham in a tank top. Yum!!

I think this is promoting Obamacare.  I stopped listening when Heather got down on the ground and started stretching.  When I see Roller Girl from Boogie Nights wearing a sign that says Public Option across her bazongas the only health care I'm thinking about is if my Viagra is gonna be covered.

Ladies...ladies...please. You're supposed to be better than us.

Panty party, Ladette Style.

Another in a series of articles on the Decline and Fall of the British Empire.  Here and here.  A few years ago "Yob" culture was being decried as the end of civilization as we know it, Brit Version.  Well, the girls are not to be outdone and are bringing their own brand of inebriated skankitude to Limeyland.  Our friends across the pond are calling it "Ladette" culture.   Oh well, girls will be boys.

I hate to say it but there is something kind of sexy

 about this pile of half-dressed, drunken broads.

Theories abound.  Women are more independent, making their own money, they want to keep up with their male colleagues' after work sloshing, etc.  If you ask me my theory would be is that Great Britain has become such a socialist nanny state that any sense of personal responsibility has gone straight down the crapper.  In my view socialism breeds a quiet inner feeling of hopelessness.  You have a vague sense that you don't control your own destiny-so fuck it...let's get shitfaced.  Making things worse is Britain's deeply ingrained affinity for booze.  God, you should have seen some of the British musicians I used to work and hang out with.   World class dipsomaniacs, the lot of them.

Two more young lovelies on their way 
home from the Debutante Ball

Contessa Brewer-Not just a pretty face, but stupid too.

Contessa "Racist" Brewer letting it slip that race-hustling poverty pimps all look alike.  Hilarious.



Can you imagine what the reaction would have been if one of the Fox (or as I like to call 'em) Foxy News Babes had made this gaffe?

Kourtney Kardashian's belly finally attains equal ballast with her ass.

I gotta admit ladies, I'm at a loss on this one and need you to help me out.  Like most guys my interest in pregnancy pretty much ends with the planting of the seed.  I've found that when a woman enters about the fourth month the company of other hens is preferred and the rest of the mystery is a door closed to men.  Yeah, yeah, I know, The Funeral Guy is kinda sexist.  (Mrs. Funeral Guy: "Kinda????!!!!!")

I bring this up because I came across this picture of Kourtney Kardashian today.  Hmmmmm...that didn't sound quite the way I meant it.  I mean I found this picture of Kourtney Kardashian today.

I understand that Ms. Kardashian gets paid 

for going to parties and nightclubs and such.

Maybe it's time for maternity leave. 

Is this standard pregnancy couture these days?  Now admittedly the pregnant ladies I run into in my sleepy little bedroom community are more the sweatshirt and loose pants version of fecundity.  I think even with celebs the nude preggo magazine covers are more the exception than the rule.  I understand the "pregnancy is beautiful" notion, but a hundred pounds of sausage in a fifty pound casing is stretching the idea of sexy just a bit.  (And I do mean stretching.)

On the other end of the scale we have this.

I once had a lady say to me "I'm going to have a baby.  I don't want to dress like a baby."  The outfit that Lucille Ball is wearing in this photo is exactly the one that my mom wore when she was ripe with the impending birth of Little Baby Funeral Guy.  There must be a happy medium somewhere.

One last thought.  Ms. Ball is pictured with her husband Ricky.  (Yes, I know he was a philanderer.)   Ms. Kardashian and her baby daddy are reportedly working on their issues.  I'm not making judgments, just noting the change of mores.

Just in time for Halloween. Kathleen Sebelius wears her Freddy Krueger mask to a Senate committee hearing.

 Health and Human Services Director Kathleen Sebelius 
has a wonky eye.

So does Paris Hilton but she knows how to work it.

The Carrie Prejean Boobage Defense Fund. It should be tax deductible.

The lovely Miss Carrie Prejean.  

We'll use any excuse to run this picture.  

Carrie Prejean is managing to keep her 15 minutes of fame going with lawsuits and counter-suits.  The latest story is here.  In all of the legal mumbo-jumbo the only thing that interests us here at The Funeral Guy is the fate of Miss Carrie's breast implants.  The pageant folks want the $5200 back that they coughed up for Carrie's lithe, shapely little form.  Now that's a jury I want to be picked for.  Make me the foreman so I get to say, "We find for the defendant Miss Prejean and order the plaintiff to upgrade her to a D-cup."  Bang gavel down.  "Can the foreman get a table dance?"

The whole Carrie Prejean kerfuffle was good enough to fill up the spring and summer spots of dead air but was the definition of more heat than light.  I don't lose a lot of sleep over gays wanting to marry each other.  When I have a vote, I vote no, but that's mostly because I get contrary when I feel that somebody's trying to shove something down my throat.  (So to speak.)

I'd also like to go on record by saying that if you're going to have beauty pageants you should do away with the evening gowns and the dopey questions.  Keep the bathing suits and perhaps add a separate category for lingerie and bondage gear.

"Honor is as valuable to the millionaire as to the pauper."

Absolutely the best commentary on the sliming of Rush Limbaugh.  It needs no further comment.  Just read it.

h/t DaveinTexas at Ace of Spades

Falcon's Family Famewhore Fraud. Father Facing Felonies. Balloon Boy Big Bust.

Quick TLC, get the contract ready.  

This family is more batshit crazy than the Gosselins.

Proving that when you smell stink there's usually a huge pile of bullshit somewhere, the whole Balloon Boy saga has been exposed as a stunt for the famewhore Heene family to land a reality show.  (The first clue should have been that they had one under their belt already.  Some piece of crap called Wife Swap, which sounded interesting until somebody told me it wasn't porn.)

Douchery abounds in this little saga.  The sheriff, who on Thursday was righteously assuring the world of the sincerity of the distraught family by virtue of his army of "Deception and Body Language Experts", now says that the authorities smelled a rat from the git go but were playing along just to lull the family into making a full confession.  Riiiiiiiight.  Nice CYA there, Sheriff Clueless.  Be that as it may, Richard and Mayumi may want to lawyer up big-time 'cause the charges they be a-comin'.   How about the American people?  Do we get to sue for the two hours lost by this ridiculous shuck and jive?  I know we were all invested in a happy ending for little Falcon, but at the same time I wasn't going to turn away if the flailing little tyke took a tumble out of that stupid flying jiffy pop cooker.

Let's get back to the idiot parents, shall we?  It quickly came out that Richard Heene and his wife are failed actors and members of the Screen Actors Guild.  Just as a side note, his Hollywood landlady claims he stiffed her for $6000 in rent.  Nice.  Another "friend" has come out and said that Richard believes that there are shape shifting lizard aliens that live among us and that this was going to be incorporated into the reality show.  Cu-kooo.  Cu-kooo.

Reality programming sure has been a plus for the culture of America hasn't it?  Look what we've learned about some of our fellow citizens.  People will proudly display all manner of pathologies for a bit of cheap fame.  Not too mention pretending your kid is in mortal danger as a self promotion tool.  How about lying, cheating and conniving on shows like Survivor and Big Brother.  A window into skank and stripper culture with Rock of Love and Charm School.  Totally fake and scripted bullshit like The Hills and The Real World.  Marriage played as a sick joke on The Bachelor and The Bachelorette.  And that's just scratching the surface.

I could go on and on but you get the drift.  It's amazing that any self respecting shape-shifting alien lizard would want to be any part of it.

Died on this date:

Jon-Erik Hexum

Actor/Male Model

Nov. 5, 1957-Oct. 18, 1984

(Age 26)

 I'm not drawing any conclusions but when I was googling 
for photos of this guy a ton of gay websites came up.

Here's a blast from the past, in a manner of speaking.  Jon-Erik Hexum was an up and coming pretty boy cum TV actor in the 80's.  He finally landed a starring role on an action series titled Cover Up.  Sadly, it would be his last.

It's perhaps an unfair truism that extraordinarily good looking people usually don't have much in the way of smarts.  Unfortunately, Jon-Erik lived up to the stereotype by fooling around with a prop firearm loaded with blanks, putting it to his head, pulling the trigger which drove the paper wadding and a piece of his skull into his brain.  After six days on life support Jon-Erik Hexum was declared brain dead.  His organs were harvested, donated and his remains cremated and scattered.  A truly selfless gesture by his family that we should all think about.

Lesson learned:  Number one rule of firearm safety.  All guns are always loaded.  Treat them as such.

Damn...must have been an all white jury.

Hampton University is a predominantly black college in Hampton, Virginia.  Well, the other night they had their annual beauty pageant and the winner, Nickole Churchill was crowned.  She is beautiful, willowy and...uh-oh...a Pallor-American.  First time that's happened since, well...uh...never.  But hey, this is the post racial America of Barack Obama so everybody cool wit dat, right?  Ehhh...not so much.  First of all there were complaints that she went to the satellite campus and not the main campus.  Yeah, that's it.  She's a carpetbagger.  Oh my, that's perhaps an unfortunate turn of phrase.  I'll at least give a pat on the back to the few honest students that actually said, "Hey, she's not black!"

Check out the expressions on the two chicks on the right.  
Priceless.  That's the look of two sistah's that 

caught their boyfriends at da' club 
tucking dollar bills in the panties of white strippers. 

Miss Churchill, instead of just letting things blow over for awhile, compounded the fuckery of the situation by writing a letter to The Dear President hisself.  You gotta read it.  It's hysterical.   You sure can tell she's a product of the modern university.  She wants Baracky to come to Hampton University so he can help her make the campus all that it can be in a beautiful hopey-changey mosaic of multicultural unicorns lying down with the lambs and the lions.  The one thing she and Obama do seem to share are egos the size of Montana.  No word yet on whether Nikole has received an answer, although I get the feeling The Bamster is more interested in power than poon.  Too bad the ever priapic Bill Clinton isn't still our president.  Can you imagine if Saturday Night Bill had received that letter from smokin' hot beauty queen Nikole?  He would have been at her dorm room in about 10 minutes.  Nikole has since apologized for sending a letter filled with such whiny pretentiousness.

Whiny pretentiousness?  Give it some time, Nikole.  There's sure to be a spot in the Obama administration for you somewhere.

You don't have to be an environmentalist to find this a little scary.

Old bottle caps and some dried leaves on the beach? 

 Not quite.  (See photos)

Another link from tbird. The pictures relate to this story.

It seems that the currents in the Pacific Ocean are forming large floating patches of plastic detritus.  This is becoming a concern because of the larger harm to marine life, fishing and tourism.

I don't care what your politics are.  

Can we all agree that this is one ugly problem? 

I don't know what they'll figure out as a solution to this.  The plastic genie is out of the bottle, so to speak, and it's not going back in.  Plastics are too integral to human life at this point and that's just a fact.

I'm not what I would call a macro-environmentalist.  I would consider myself a micro-environmentalist.  In other words, I think global warming is a socialist scam of the highest order.  But on the other hand, I hate trash and litter with a passion.  This thing that's going on in the ocean is ugly and potentially dangerous.  We should be able to come up with an answer that doesn't require us to revert back to the Middle Ages.

OK, maybe some Sharia law has its good points (tee hee).

Or: This is what happens when men are in charge of a religion with no input from women.

The (UK) Times online has a story that will be filling up visa offices with guys wanting to go to Somalia and convert to Islam.

"Down with that top, girl."  

It's the law.  Sharia law.  

A hardline insurgent group in Somalia by the name of Al Shabaab (at first I thought that was some dude's name) are rounding up women with a "firm bust."  The guys then get to check if the firmness is natural.  If the women are found to be wearing a bra they then have to remove it and shake their titties for the mens so the firmness can be checked out up close and personal.  Ohhhhh! Yeaaaahhhh!   The reasoning behind this -and I'm still trying to sort this one out- is that firm boobage is "deceptive."  I'll say.  It sure can be.  You go home with some foxy doxy after a few belts at the watering hole.  Things start getting hot and heavy, off the comes the boulder holder and....yow!!! her nipples are grazing her kneecaps.  Damn!! You've been deceived.  (But ya' go ahead anyway, don't ya'?)

They also whip men if they are caught on the street without a beard.  Sounds kind of gay, doesn't it.  Serves you right for not having a beard.  (Heh heh, get it?)

Another commie in the White House...yawn.

This vid has gone totally viral so you've probably seen it already.  But in case you haven't here is White House interim communications director Anita Dunn singing the praises of Mao and Mother Theresa (?) during a speech in June.  I know that Mother Theresa has her detractors-Christopher Hitchens call your office-but who could argue with being a big fan of Mao?  When it comes to mass murdering he da' man.  I mean it's not like he ran a lying sack of shit network like Fox News.

Seriously, where in the hell does Obama find these people?  The White House says that she was "just kidding."  I think a better argument from them would have been that ol' Anita was coked up to the hairline during the speech.  Don't ask me how I would know, but this woman has the worst case of cottonmouth I've ever seen.  (And I've seen an eight-ball of blow disappear in about 3 minutes back in the day.)

Just for the record, I'm not a huge Glenn Beck fan.  It's not that I disagree with him necessarily, it's just that his shtick seems like just that.  A shtick. 

Some strange death items.

I appreciate links to weird death stuff and if you find interesting items please leave a URL in the comment section.  I got this one from tbird who visits this site from time to time.  A must read.

St. Vincent de Paul (Died 1660!!!!!!)

I had never heard of incorruptible corpses, which as I learned from the article is the phenomenon where a body doesn't decompose as it normally would even without any kind of special undertaking measures, i.e. chemical embalming or mummification.  This is said by the Catholic Church to be a sign of purity of soul and indeed all the photos in the article are of saints.  If these photos are accurate then the preservation of these bodies is truly miraculous.   I don't know what this says about the saintliness of our most recent Pope John Paul II.  He was unembalmed and viewed for six days until burial and as I recall needed constant touching up because the decomposition process was proceeding quite normally.   

Coincidentally, I witnessed a disinterment yesterday, and the contrast between that corpse (two years underground with a compromised vault and casket) and the ones in the photos couldn't be more extreme.

Carl Tanzer
I would imagine that he gave "live" girls a weird vibe. 

 Dead girls are not so fussy.

This brings to mind one of the strangest cases of body preservation I've ever heard of.  In 1930 Carl Tanzler aka Count Carl Von Cosel fell in love with a beautiful woman named Maria Elena Milagro de Hoyos.  When Maria died from tuberculosis the heartbroken Carl stole her body from the mausoleum and then lived with the corpse for nine years before Maria's suspicious family blew the whistle on his necrophilic romance.  Carl was quite ingenious in his use of wax, wire, glass eyeballs and what must have been copious amounts of perfume to keep Maria Elena from rotting away as he slept with her night after night.  Go here for the Wikipedia overview of this very, very bizarre case of obsessive love.

A beautiful, young Maria.  Pre-death.

Love is blind.  (And has no sense of smell.)

Some this and that.

Sorry about the light posting lately.  Busy at my real job, not to mention the fact that all the happenings in the world are either depressing (healthcare, Russia, politics in general) or not that exciting (kids that don't end up floating away in balloons-boy, that was two hours wasted-and nutty people pretending to be lottery winners causing riots by promising to buy stuff for people in a store).

Even the celebrity craziness has been pretty mundane.  Some whackjob lived up to his name and whacked singer Leona Lewis upside the head for no apparent reason while she was signing copies of her autobiography.  This happened in London and the assailant was a Brit so the assumption can be made that some kind of alcohol was involved.  I think I've heard one song of hers.  I'm not crazy about her music but it doesn't bother me enough to queue up just to punch her out.   Maybe the guy was made crazy by the fact that some 24 year olds are audacious enough to write autobiographies.

According to People Magazine Jon & Kate plus 8 is going to be kaputski after November.  The stated reason is that Jon doesn't want his kids traumatized by the filming of their maladjusted lives anymore.   At least now the little tots can go through the normal trauma of parental divorce like being introduced to some barely legal strumpet as "your new mommy" every two weeks by their vag-o-holic father and being verbally abused by their possum haired "Mommie Dearest" without having to watch it in reruns for the rest of their lives.  One can only imagine the shit storm that life will be for the Gosselin kiddies when the cameras go away.   I hope they work things out.  I'm really gonna miss this train wreck.

Rush Limbaugh wanted to buy in on a football team, the something-something Rams, I think.  Sorry.  I don't follow sports.  This was shot down in less than a week because the usual suspects said he was a racist.  The usual suspects being, of course,  Al "White Interlopers" Sharpton and Jesse "Hymietown" Jackson.  Takes one to know one, I reckon.   After they got the ball rolling, the rest of the race hustling industry started piling on like it was one endless loop out of a clown car.  Apropos, since when the race card gets played it always becomes a circus.  This time they even made up stuff that Rush never said, and the media couldn't be bothered to check.  Hmmm, fancy that.  The spineless NFL and the consortium of no-balls investors quickly threw Rush under the bus as the current phraseology goes, leaving El Rushbo with nothing but his fame, his fans and his gazillions of dollars.  You know what, Rush?  Fuck 'em.

In the good old days before "zero tolerance" policies in schools.

Sometimes there's a kid 
that just deserves killin'.

Not a headline you see every day.

From the Salt Lake Tribune:

Man misses birth of his child 

after fondling nurse, police say  

Adam Jay Manning.   

After a few bong hits he could pass 

for the poor woman's Keanu Reeves.

Adam Jay Manning (damn, there's that three name thing again) was obviously horny as a three peckered billy goat when he took his lady love to the hospital to give birth to their kidlet.   In all fairness, when most women get to those last few months of pregnancy hot banging usually gives way to the nesting instinct and a guy can start getting a little anxious.  Anyway, Adam took one look at the nurse in charge and felt compelled to comment on her cuteness.  (What guy doesn't love that nurse persona?  Especially with the hair up under that little cap, maybe a pair of glasses but you can still tell she's smokin' hot once the hair comes down.  She's got a garter belt holding up those white stockings.  Yeah, baby...Say is it getting hot in here?  Sorry, I'm digressing.)

Apparently, the nurse started playing hard to get even after Adam's super smooth opening come-on, and continued to help the mother to be.  At that point, Adam, libido in hyper drive pretended to massage nursie's neck and went straight for the boobage.  Whooo, slow down there, Romeo.

Long story short.  Adam is popped for forcible sexual abuse and misses all the tender moments that accompany the miracle of childbirth.  Bummer.

Next time, Adam, there is something that will help you over the sexually parched times of pregnancy.  It's called porn.  You may have heard of it.  I suggest an oldie but a goodie titled Nurse Nancy.  Pee Wee Herman found it quite arousing and gave it four palms up.

Let's leave the sweat lodges to the indians, shall we?

I have always had the notion that self help books are a load of hooey.  Mrs. Funeral Guy has about a million of them clogging up our bookcases and these folks move a lot of product so obviously there is a huge market for happiness on the cheap mumbo jumbo.

Well there are some acolytes of a clown named James Arthur Ray (I'm tellin' ya', there's that three name thing again) that aren't very happy.  As a matter of fact two of them are dead, one is in critical condition, and all tolled 19 were hospitalized when some hocus pocus stunt in a "sweat lodge" went horribly awry.  Story here.  And here. 

$10,000 accommodations in Sedona?  

I've seen homeless camps nicer than this.   

According to the story 64 people crammed themselves into a 415 square foot hut covered with plastic and blankets while water was poured over hot lava rocks.  Who could have possibly foreseen a problem with this scenario? The injuries in addition to the two deaths were burns, dehydration, respiratory arrest and kidney failure.  Sounds like fun, doesn't it?  Not only that, these new age nebbishes paid ten grand a pop for the privilege of being tortured with this nonsense.  (They have one of these at my gym, by the way.  They call it a sauna.  It does have the disadvantage of being populated with nude men, but when it gets too hot - or too naked - I just get the hell out of there.)

James Arthur Ray, who was in charge of this foolishness has left the state, vamoosed as it were, and is declining to help detectives with their inquiries.  James Arthur Ray has twittered - I assume from an undisclosed location -  that he is "shocked and saddened" and is calling for "prayer and meditation."  What, no card?  Nowadays we have Condolence Tweets.  The story credits Ray with co-authoring "The Secret" a bestselling self helper but Wiki names only Rhonda Byrne as the author.  "The Secret" just sounds like a new agey reworking of the old power of positive thinking concept to me, but I'm no expert and think all of this stuff is a load of shit.

James Arthur Ray's website is pretty funny.  He looks like a guy who should be auditioning for a road show version of Glengarry Glen Ross ("Put.  That.  Coffee down.  Coffee is for closers only!")  There's lots of books, DVD's and other media that you can empty your wallet on.  I was surprised that there are no coffee mugs or T-shirts.  ("Come to one of our retreats.  It's no sweat!")  Haha.  This guy will have to sell a lot of merchandise to settle the avalanche of lawsuits that I'm sure will be rolling his way.

My sympathy for people who do things that facilitate their own deaths is limited.  Dealing with husbands who have lost their beloved wives to cancer or parents whose kid was run over will do that to you, I guess.  Bungee jumpers, parachuters, mountain climbers, even motorcyclists and guys that fly planes they built themselves are seriously tempting the gods.  Ya' runs with danger, ya' takes your chances.  The two that died in this tragedy surely didn't deserve it although one does wonder why they didn't just realize how stupid this all was and get up and walk out of there the second the air started getting thin.  Holding on to the dream until the bitter end.  Sad.

One last thing.  When you see a book with the word "harmonic" in the title, or has a picture of a pyramid on it, or features the blurb "As Seen On Oprah," just keep moving to the fiction section and pick yourself up a good novel.

Not a fan as a kid. Not obsessed as an adult.

Looking back, Star Trek was kind of gay.  

And you thought that Obama was a complete humorless tool.

Hang on a minute, mate.  I think I got a marble in me eye.

This story has been bubbling around for awhile.  Embattled British Prime Minister Gordon Brown, who is blind in one eye is rumored to be going completely blind.  Which, no matter what your politics, really sucks.

However, I was thinking that in light of this (no pun intended) Obama's gift of the Greatest Films DVD set was not cheesy and clueless, but a very clever poke in the eye to the Brits.  (Sorry, there I go again.)  Everybody just knows that The Bamster really has it in for the Brits because of Kenya and his father and slavery and some such shit and who can keep track of it and it's all so complicated and confusing anyway.

Imagine.  You got a guy that's going blind and you give him a 50 movie set of DVD's.  Hahahahahahaha!  Gordon Brown.  Dude, you just got punk'd.

I didn't think that Obambi had it in him, comedy-wise.  So Baracky, my hat's off to ya'.

As a matter of fact, I nominate you for the Nobel Prize for Ball Busting An Ally.

    I should have realized the sly sense of presidential 

juvenile humor potential with the slick

 pretend-I'm-scratching-my-lip flip off. 

 I used to do this to my teachers in high school.

Died on this date:

Ernesto "Che" Guevara

Iconic Sociopathic Murderer

June 14, 1928-Oct. 9, 1967

(Age 39)

On the basis of this one photo Che 
captured the fluttering heart of every 

trust fund wannabe revolutionary 
from the late 60's to this very day.

Instead of hanging on the wall of every dipshit "revolutionary" undergrad, Che Guevara should have met justice by hanging at the end of a rope.

Che was Castro's executioner who willingly (and some say gleefully) carried out countless murders up close and personal.  He spread the poison of communist insanity into Africa and beyond until CIA backed Bolivian troops captured him and shot him to death.

This is my favorite picture of Che.  

Deader than a fucking doornail.

Before you brand yourself as a total commie (soon to be investment banker) ass clown by wearing this shitbag's face on your T-shirt read this excellent book.

Exposing the Real Che Guevara: 
And the Useful Idiots Who Idolize Him

By Humberto Fontava