Sunday, June 19, 2011

Weekend hits for giggles and shits.

I'm experiencing the doldrums as I find myself in a Weinerless world.  For the last few weeks I could wake up and be energized as some new snippet of Anthony Weiner sleaze was just a Google click away.  What a time and a story it was.   A congressman (named Weiner, no less), dick pics, sexting on social networks, dirty emails, a pornstar, an underage girl, lies and press frenzies.  A kid at Christmas could not be happier than I.  I hadn't had that much fun since Tiger Woods.

And now what?  The world is drab and boring.  So it's time to go into the shit file.  My shit file is stuff I find or get emailed that looks promising that I'll get around to one of these days.  I guess this is one of those days.  

Let's take the fun out of being sick and in the hospital.

British Nurse.  A little overdressed for my taste 
but still unacceptable under the new dress code. 

It's not enough the the British NHS (National Health Service) will leave your loved one dead on the floor for 10 hours then drag his body down the corridor.  Or that they will inject another patient (now deceased) with the human form of mad cow disease.  Now you can't even get a hospital sponge bath with the healing power of titty cleavage in your face.  The NHS has recently issued dress code guidelines calling for their female staff to cover up the boobage and the midriff, lengthen the skirt, no more tight leggings and to generally downplay the sex appeal.  All this due to "patient complaints".   Really?  Patient complaints?  Who complained?  The story doesn't name any.  But if there really were complaints what makes me think the complainers were named Mohammed or Aariz or Afreen.

Welcome to the new regime.  
Are you ready for your rectal, Infidel? 

"Driving down the freeway of love in a pink cadillac."

This story doesn't make much sense but it gives me a chance to comment on having sex while driving so I'll take it.  Some drunk got in an accident with a cab driver and is now being sued.  The complaint states that the driver was having sex as well as driving drunk.  There was a woman in the car (not charged) and another passenger (male) was also in the car.  To add to the cluster fuck it's claimed that the shit faced defendant was "partially or totally in the back seat of the car" when the accident occurred at 85 miles per hour.  I'll have to let a jury sort this one out.  (Could this possibly have been a threesome?)

In my experience with driving sex, and I've had my share, I've learned a few simple rules.  Read and learn, rookies.  Keep your sex to a digital or oral enterprise.  (Giving or getting.)   Cowgirl position (straight or reverse) behind the wheel is not recommended.  Doggie is impossible, so don't even try it.  Also, it's a good idea to keep your blood alcohol content below .20.  Inhibitions reduced, but reflexes still sharp as a tack.  Keep your activity confined to long, straight country type roads.  You may find your eyes glazing over or shutting completely during climax so always keep an assured clear distance from other vehicles.  Avoiding the city routes will keep you from running into litigious taxi drivers or lamp poles.  Enjoy yourself but always be safe!

Pulling over to the side of the road 
 defeats the purpose of driving sex. 
For maximum excitement always drive 
at least 10 miles over the speed limit. 

h/t Judy Leach

How can we make the bereaved even more unhappy?

Be on the lookout for cemetery car boosters. 
Hopefully the cops are staking out local 
carry out chicken joints that take credit cards. 

Well, for one thing how about stalking funerals at a cemetery and boosting credit cards from family cars while the occupants are grieving at graveside?  Police in Cheltenham, Pennsylvania are looking for two hefty ladies who were caught on security video using the stolen cards.  This is a new wrinkle on the old read the obituaries to find out who isn't going to be home robbery scam.  Can we all agree these skeevy broads are about as low as you can get?

Meanwhile, Jennie Spooner, a Long Island, NY woman was traveling hither and yon with her dad's cremated remains.  Taking them to his favorite lake, flying them away on a kite, and dusting them on a dinosaur at the Museum of Natural History.  Quite a peripatetic memorial service, I must say.  Just when Jennie was about to grace Coney Island with some of pop's ashes she noticed some debris that was mixed with the remains.   This included pieces of bone, metal staples, ballpoint pen springs, glass shards and a half melted crucifix that wasn't even his.  Of course, she called the state authorities and got a lawyer and is threatening to sue.

  Yes.  This is what you look like before you go into the grinder. 

Here's the deal.  The crematory did a shit job of grinding and sifting the remains.  It also sounds like they don't sweep the retorts properly between cremations.  You are going to get some bone fragments and occasionally I'll find some dental wire when I'm transferring cremains to another urn.  It happens.  Is this grounds (tee hee) for a major lawsuit?  No.  If it were me I'd refund the cost of the cremation and call it a day.

On a side note:  I don't know about New York, but the State of California frowns on people walking around willy-nilly dumping their loved ones cremains all over the place.  It's not that it's unsanitary, it's just a little unseemly.  Other folks might not want to take a walk in the sand of Coney Island that's now mixed with your dad, is what I'm saying.  I'm surprised that the Division of Cemeteries didn't bring that to Jennie's attention when she dropped the dime on the funeral home.

Pissed off woman sues ex-fiancee after fall. 

Michelle Egglestone.  
I bet she wasn't smiling after her fence pole colonoscopy. 

Michelle Egglestone of South Ballarat, Australia has sued her ex-fiancee, Leslie Furness, for injuries sustained in a fall from his veranda in November of 2008.  She fell onto a fence that injured her so severely that she required surgeries to repair the tears to her rectum, bladder, vagina and colon.  Ouch.   She claims that there was inadequate balustrade to prevent the fall and no protective capping on the fence onto which she landed.

Well, sounds like quite a case.  Too bad Gloria Allred is unavailable now that she is specializing in pornstars "featured dancers".  A woman has been injured!!  By a man's negligence!!  Oh, one small detail I left out.  Michelle was taking a piss off the balcony when she took the header.  (Or the ass-er, in this case)  Now, if Mr. Furness's neglect of proper building codes includes giving his chick too much beer with no proper place to unload her tinkle, I think I see a case here.  If not, wouldn't a sane jury decide that perhaps Ms. Eggleston's ass and pussy impaling was avoidable by...oh, I don't know...FINDING THE BATHROOM AND DOING HER POTTY BUSINESS LIKE A LADY INSTEAD OF DROPPING HER PANTIES AND PISSING OFF THE BALCONY LIKE A SKANK!

If you want to safely take a piss off a balcony it helps to be a man.  At least that's my humble opinion.

Drunken tramp demonstrates proper safety for an outdoor whizz. 
Always make sure you have a firm handhold. 

Maybe he wanted to give your seat a sniff.

Jasmijn Rijcken. Cute and fit. 
But is she too dangerous for the road? 

I'm calling bullshit on this story but what the hell.  Jasmjin Rijcken, 31, a Dutch bike company general manager was supposedly pulled over by a NYPD cop for wearing too sexy an outfit while out biking around the city.   She claims he told her, "it's very disturbing and it's distracting the cars and it's dangerous".  The cop didn't give her a ticket, nor did she get his name.  As NYPD Commissioner Paul Browne said: "Whether this story bears even a modest semblance of what actually occurred is impossible to establish without being provided the purported officer's name and getting his side of the story."

Exactimundo, Commissioner.  If the incident did happen I suspect it was just one of New York's finest trying hit on a hot little tourist on a bicycle.  Not exactly news, happens every day in every big city in America, I'm sure.  If it didn't happen I would suspect this is Jasmijn's effort to get her picture in the paper, plug her company's product during the bike show she was attending, and having a story to tell back home.

Mission accomplished.
 Now this is a view that would cause a major pile up. 

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