Professional Cock Blocker
Smug, supercilious and major all-around asshole, Chris Hansen, scourge of internet predators everywhere has been hoisted on the petard of hidden camera gotcha. Hansen, 51, has been caught in a sting set up by the National Enquirer (my paper of record) in Florida (does anything good happen there?) with a 30-year old TV reporter by the name of Kristyn Caddell. This would have been so much better if Kristyn had been...say...17, but we'll take what we can get. I say 17, because then it would have been technically illegal but not creepily pedo.
The hot and heavy fuckfest started about four months ago when Chris was down in Florida covering a story when he met the comely Kristyn and it was lust at first sight. I've heard this kind of thing can happen when a guy goes on the road. Chris is married to wife Mary, 53, and the have two lil' boy chilluns together.
Chris and the Misses
Lust turned to
love whatever, with Chris sending flowers and words of endearment but with no apparent urgency to cut loose the ball and chain of matrimony. (Ain't that always the way. Chris may be horny but he's still smart enough to keep his mind on his assets.)
The sting caught Chris and Kristyn (isn't that a cute couple name?) out at dinner, and according to the story "staring into each other eyes". The story also notes that Kristyn was "wearing high heels and a short revealing dress". Yummy! The kind of outfit that makes a guy want to get dinner over with ASAP. A stop at the liquor store follows and the couple arrive at the babe's apartment at 10 PM. When Hansen left the next morning they were both wearing different clothes and "Kristyn's hair was dishevelled as if she just rolled out of bed." GUILTY!! AND TOTALLY HAWT!!
Hansen's new show should be titled
To Catch a Young Piece
I must confess, To Catch a Predator was a full-blown guilty pleasure of mine. If you've never seen it seek it out in reruns or on You Tube. You won't be sorry. A finer example of horny nerd douchery is impossible to find. These sex-starved simpletons were sucked in by faux smutty talk from a vigilante Star Chamber called Perverted Justice. Staffed by ugly chicks in baseball hats and a fat bald guy, Perverted Justice would pretend to be hot young snizz to rope in the dopes who were trolling the chat rooms. When the basement dwelling losers would show up at the sting house with their rubbers, lube and lingerie, high on the hope of jailbait jezebels, it was pure comedy gold. I mean, dude. Look in the mirror. Is the kind of guy that a hot underage stranger wants to have sex with staring back at you? Proof positive that God gave men two brains but the ability to only use one at a time.
Let me take a second here to say I don't condone old guys hitting on underage girls. I have daughters and would hope they would have the sense to tell a old creep in a chat room to fuck off and go blow himself. What this group was doing was entrapment pure and simple. Maybe not in the strictly legal sense but it sure was for all practical purposes. A lot of these cases were thrown out because the judges had trouble figuring out jurisdictions and other vague areas of these predator laws. So bottom line? Guys, there are plenty of 18+ year old women on the internet. Get your willy wet with the big girls...mmmmmmmkay?
Anyway, the scene would be set. The mark would show up at the house. He would be met by a legal age chick pretending to be the schoolgirl all alone. She'd make some excuse to leave him hanging in the living room ("I gotta fold these clothes before they wrinkle, but I made some sweet tea for 'ya.) The girl was always kind of a hillbilly for some reason. While the doofus was waiting for his horny honey to return, out would pop Chris Hansen. Looking and sounding like God Himself. "Why don't you take a seat right over there?" Most of the time the dumbass guy would think Chris was the chick's dad. Hahahahaha. It was fucking hilarious. The dude would start stammering out all kinds of bullshit when Chris would ask them "What are you doing here?" They'd say, "Just gonna hang out." And "Nothing...Sir." This after Chris finds a bag of rubbers with Romeo's gift of Big Macs. And my personal favorite: "I just came here to tell this young girl how dangerous it is to talk to strange men on the internet." Cue the fucking laugh track. After confronting the stupid muttonhead with the chat logs where the "girl" said she was 13 and he replied he wanted to eat her pussy and suck her tits, Chris would tell the guy he was free to go. Free to go into the arms of some small town police detail that was so bored it would be dressed up in ninja SWAT outfits screaming and waving their guns around just to throw some fat, bald, sobbing accountant to the sidewalk. Truck drivers, IT guys, soldiers, even a district attorney and a doctor got caught up in the fuckery. (Best scene ever: the doctor calling his wife to bring bail money to the county lockup. "No..no...don't bring the girls!") The district attorney actually committed suicide in his house with the police outside. That took a lot of the fun out of things and the forthcoming investigation of the cozy relationship between Perverted Justice, the Dateline TV show and law enforcement eventually spelled the demise of the program.
I know that boning a 30-year old woman not your wife is not the same as going after adolescents. Were some of these guys dangerous? Possibly. But most of the subjects of these stings came off to me as just sad, lonely, socially awkward sad sacks that got caught up in internet tomfoolery and did something stupid. Eagerly egged on by the horny talk of the Perverted Justice improv group. As one guy who got caught by the self-rightous Mr. Hansen said when confronted with the evidence that the girl told him she was 14. "It's the internet," he said, "everybody lies."
The thing that I disliked most about Chris Hansen and this whole enterprise was that he seemed to be enjoying the humiliation of these nebbishes a little too much. Am I smiling a little because Chris Hansen is experiencing some discomfort and embarrassment today? Yeah, I guess I am.