The Funeral Guy: Are those torpedos on your chest or are you just glad to see me?

Now that I have your attention.

The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) is warning that those plastic funbags you paid serious money for so your cosmetic surgeon could buy a new Porcshe are only good for about ten years. After that? Trouble. Possible links to cancer, wrinkling, asymmetry, scarring, pain and infection are all in the report.

As you can imagine, this has caused a wave of trepidation through every strip club, porn studio and Hooter's restaurant in the country. Strippers are frantically doing the math as to how many extra lap dances will have to be performed to keep the big tip money coming. Ditto, the Vegas cocktail waitresses and escorts. And it goes without saying that in the porn industry big titties are the coin of the realm. Not upgrading the boobays is not an option.

I've been thinking. I've been looking at the benefits of a government job. Regular hours, job security, pension, full medical. All sucked from the taxpayer tit, so to speak. The FDA's going to need someone to be a boobage inspector. Lifting it up, checking for proper heft and the expiration date, Palpating for hard areas, looking for telltale ripples. (For that one the lady has to be on all fours and rocking back and forth like doggy-style. It's not that I look at a lot of porn, but somebody told me that once. ) All strictly professional. You know me. Just business.

Hahahahaha. Just funnin'. Now that summer is upon us and the dumplings are on full display, I will do my annual rant about how I really feel about breast implants. Simply put. I hate 'em. Let me amend that, I hate most of 'em. If you've had a mastectomy or just got the boobs filled out because of kid sag, I'm not talking about you. I'm talking about the professional club skank, the porn star, and the "featured dancer". You know who you are. I think I speak for a sizable segment of the male population when I say-"You look ridiculous." You know why? Because if it's obvious you've had your tits done, you've failed. I find it seems to break down as a generational preference. I didn't grow up with every other chick having enhanced bazoos. Natural and supple, that was my groping experience as I traveled the land. The younger guys today have more experience with the silicone sisters so to them it's old hat. Then there are just those guys who just like biiiiiiiiiiiiiiggg! I've always been more of an ass and leg man anyway, so vive la difference. I really enjoyed the mini-series Spartacus: Blood and Sand on Starz. Lots of nudity. I couldn't help but wonder how they found so many beautiful actresses with natural breasts. Hopefully this is a trend.

A prime example of Titty Balls.

Too big for her frame and look painful.

You could probably break a bottle on them.

What I can't figure out is the thought process of the women that get them. Does the doctor say, "You know what? I'm going to make you look like Little Annie Fanny. Sound good?" No...I'm guessing that the women go into the doctor's office look at different computer mock ups and when the time comes to choose they think, "You know? I think I want to go just a little bit bigger." That is when you end up with what we guys call alternately, Titty Balls, Robo-Tits, Bobble Tits and Balloon Tits. These are not compliments.

Little Annie Fanny.
The cartoon gal with the inhuman proportions.

Looks like Pamela Anderson. Who, in turn, looks like a cartoon.

Coincidence? I don't think so.

We're all going to age. All the silicone, botox, hair plugs, face lifts, pec and bicep implants, and collagen lip injections are not going to ward off the Grim Reaper forever. Maybe we should make a deal between the sexes. Ladies. You forgo the over enhanced lips and bazongas that make you look like pornstars from Jupiter, and we men will stay away from hair restoration plugs that look like doll hair and facelifts that make us look like old women.

More Bad Examples.