Maxine knows how to party!! Tea Party that is.

I saw this post in The Corner and realized I recognized the lady on the right.

Tea Party ladies so dangerous the S.W.A.T. team had to be called.
And the one on the (far) right is..........

Maxine.  The cartoon world's favorite old lady.

After sex, drinking and sexy drunks, finally...some DEATH!!!!!

I got this link from about three people today, but as usual, there was one that was first over the finish line.  So a shout out to the man who wastes more time on the interwebs than I do.  Our old friend tbird.

Embalming is always more art than science and there is an embalmer at Marin Funeral Home in Puerto Rico that is a real Rembrandt (or Rembrandto, if you will).  We were looking at this at work today and were trying to figure out how the embalmer did this.  We were thinking in a chair maybe.  When you embalm a deceased person they get stiff really fast.  Think super-charged Jello.   We're going to ask our guy when he comes in tomorrow how he thought it was done.



This is the same funeral home that did the viewing of the Standing Homeboy.  I wonder if this place specializes in murdered gangbangers since that's how both of these dudes met their Maker.

Marin Funeral Home. 

No final wish is too bizarre. 

Meanwhile over in Switzerland, the go to place when you want to off yourself no questions asked, some 300 urns have been found in Lake Zurich.  The urns were traced to the Dignitas Clinic which assists folks with their suicides.  This was not a case of great detective work since the logo of the crematory that serves Dignitas was stamped on top of the urns.  

I find this story odd.  Didn't these people make some kind of arrangement for the disposition of their remains?  If these were terminally ill people wouldn't their families want them back?  If you ask me Dignitas doesn't sound very dignified.  Although, if I was a Russian or Italian mafioso the greedy owner of a euthanasia outfit might be just the kind of guy I'd like to talk to about helping me with some enemies.

These are awfully big urns. 

I would suspect that cremains were co-mingled 

Finally, when it comes to assisted suicide both sides of the issue have valid points.  Slippery slopes vs. individual autonomy.  Tough questions for sure. The only thing I do know is that I couldn't work in a place like Dignitas.  That's not a job I'd want to have to rationalize on Judgement Day.

Jon Gosselin...Coming soon to a homeless shelter or a dumpster near you.

Slow news day so I was going through the archives here at TFG and saw that I was way too obsessed with the Gosselins for a time there.  See here and here and here and here and here.  Whew!!  (Quote from my daughter.  "You're too old to be looking at all that celebrity shit.  It's embarrassing that you know so much about these people."  That's me, dear 'ol Dad.  Embarrassing my kid since 1995.)

Be that as it may, I'm going to allow myself a bit of an update.  So sue me.

First up, Jon.  Jon is having a bit of a cash flow problem.  He's on the hook to Kate for $22,000 a month for child support which he trying to get reversed.  Along with just regular bills that has got to be some nut for a dude with no job and few prospects.  What's a guy to do?  Sell your BMW, that's what.  Jon is trying to unload the car that he bought when he and Kate were hillbilly rich.  (Jon was formerly an IT analyst and Kate an RN.  If it hadn't been for that dopey TV show they and all their munchkins would be on food stamps like that fucking leach, Octomom.)  Anyway, he's trying to get $25,000 for his pussy magnet of a car.  Great.  Not exactly a long term solution.  What are you going to do next month, Jon?

Well, like good 'ol boy Joe Buck in Midnight Cowboy, Jon gonna get hisself manwhored out to a rich sugar momma.  (Although whoring didn't work out so well for this guy.)  Rumor has it that some 40-something woman in D.C. is going to give him a go.  Hopefully, for the sake of his future livelihood his oral skills are super scary good since both of his post-Kate girlfriends went to the media to disparage his teeny tallywhacker.  They even said they bonded over the laughter.  Just a couple of new frenemies yukking it up over the under endowed penis of the guy they both fucked so they could get their pictures on the gossip interwebs.  Lovely.  Just for the record, Kate joins the pile-on and confirms that she used to refer to Jon's pecker as "stubby".  Guys?  Hell hath no fury.

Alright!!...alright, already.  It's three.  Three inches.

Are there any other questions? 

Meanwhile, Kate, who is the slightly more marketable one of these two dysfunctional personalities, is desperately determined to keep the fame train on the track.  Her mortifying performance on Dancing With The Stars, was dancing only in the sense that there was music playing and her legs propelled her from one end of the stage to the other.  (I'd like to take this opportunity to gratefully thank Joel McHale and his wonderful show The Soup for sparing me from having to actually watch these awful fucking shows.)  You really had to witness this human disaster "dancing" to appreciate just how abysmally bad it was.  Imagine being a worse dancer than former Majority Leader of the House, Tom DeLay.

You almost have to admire the tenacity with which Kate Gosselin pursues her famewhoredom.   Look-at-me...I wrote a book!!! About faith and family...my kids?...yeah, well...they really like the nanny.  Kate...at Wal-Mart...Kate...getting a Starbucks...Kate gets a new hairstyle...90's MILF!!  Documented for us almost every day.

And now Kate informs us in an interview that she hasn't had sex in 15 months.  "I'm married to my kids and my career." she says.  What a bullshit statement.  She a "mom" in name only and she's made a talentless void of a career out of getting her picture on "celebrity" websites.  A pretty amazing hustle when you think about it.

Hey Kate.  If you're looking to break your dry spell

I showed this picture to my co-worker 

and he paid you the ultimate compliment.

"I'd tap it."

And the celibacy?  She looks good enough that somebody should be giving her a good boinking soon.  Maybe afterwards he'll go on TV and talk about how loose her pussy was.  We can all have a good laugh then, can't we.

I think we finally have the answer as to how that Madoff scam went unnoticed for so long.

This thing has gone so viral that I was hesitant to post about it.  For a guy like me this story is the proverbial fish in a barrel, but what the hell.  It has two of my favorite elements for a story of fuckery gone wild.  Porn and government employees.  In this case the Securities and Exchange Commission.  You know, the agency that fiddled (with their puds) while Wall Street burned.

I'm gonna link to the Daily News story because of all the sites I checked they win the prize for the most puns and double entendres.  My hat is off to staff writer Leo Standora for working in SEC=SEX, titillating, booty, cracks, probes, spread and full-blown into his story.  Also, they posted a photo of a broad with nice titties in nothing but a bra in front of her keyboard.  I think I should send these guys my resume'.

Back to your tax dollars at work.  I won't rehash the whole thing but the whole damn story would be hysterically funny if it hadn't had a part in the collapse of our economy.  One senior attorney apparently spent up to eight hours a day porn surfing.  Eight hours!!?? Isn't that in work time like...all day?  (Where do you think you work, pudwhacker?  A funeral home?)  And most of these wankers were not your average, bored, low-level cubicle drones.  Seventeen of these fuckwits were sucking the taxpayer dry (see, I can double entendre, too) to the tune of up to $222,000 a year.

Investigators are looking into whether government computers 

were also used to download Kitty Porn.

Jenna Goudreau from Forbes (who judging from her photo is shit hot, by the way) is shocked! shocked! that one of the female employees was actually involved in something so skeevy and...well...man-centric.  The accountant, who I'm guessing was the most popular gal in the office, tried to access online porn 1800 times in two weeks and had 600 explicit photos on her work laptop.  Oh, behaaaave!!!  There is no truth to the rumor that Bill Clinton and John Edwards are both lobbying Obama for an appointment to head (tee hee) the agency.

When you get to the end of it all this is less of a story about porn than it is a story that proves that you don't have to be a hard working stiff to get a government job.

But it helps to be a jack-off.

Gay News...The fabulousness is absolutely fabulous!

Grease up that bat, Mary, I'll show you how gay I am. 

Gay Baseball.

When a pat on the butt just isn't enough. 

Three bisexual dudes are suing The North American Gay Amateur Athletic Alliance (are you amateur if you've been paid for gay sex?) because their team was stripped of their second place finish for having too many "nongay" players.  The rules only allow 2 heterosexual players on a team.  

After another team went boo hoo hoo, the three men were called into a room with 25 people and were subjected to "personal and intrusive" questions about their sexual attractions and desires to determine just how gay they really were.  Oh, my.  They should have done it over the phone and charged $1.95 a minute.  

Bottom line? (Tee hee) The three men want $75,000 each for "emotional distress."

Two thoughts.  First, real straight men don't experience "emotional distress".   Ergo, they're gay.  Second, there is no such thing as a bisexual man.  If you have sucked on another man's peenie even once (unless you were in prison and had a shank to your neck) it doesn't matter what else you do with your sex life.  You're gay.

Do we finally have a love interest for Jughead? 

Dreamy Kevin Keller.

He's Gay-tastic!!

Somebody better take the doors off the stalls in the boy's bathroom at Riverdale High,  Archie comics is introducing it's first "openly" gay character.  Goodness knows how many closet cases they've had cruising the halls all these years.  The new guy in town is a wavy blonde cutie named Kevin Keller.  And according to the article, one of his dilemmas will be how to fend off the flirtatious Veronica.  Uh...how 'bout, "Hey Veronica, get a clue bitch.  I'm gay!  Let's give Betty a ring and go shopping."

Seriously, I really want to know.  Who the fuck still reads Archie comics?  Any adults?  Raise your hands.  Is it kids?  If so, do they really need to be following the adventures of gay Kevin?

I remember when I was a kid in the 50's and 60's I, and every other kid I knew, thought the Archie comics were completely and utterly lame.  Superman was on television in his underwear and Archie, Jughead, Reggie (talk about a closet case) and all the rest of the Riverdale High weenies dressed like they were still in the 1940's.  If memory serves, I think the cars still had running boards and the characters used phrases like "23 Skiddo" and "that's swell."  And no, my first masturbatory fantasies involved neither Betty or Veronica.

So maybe gay Kevin Keller is a good idea.  Lord knows, Riverdale could use a little shakeup.  Let me know when Kevin starts walking around in assless chaps.  That's an issue that might be interesting enough to pick up.

Larry King Update: Shawn's boy-toy talks while Larry's elderly sex obsessions run amok.

The wife, her cooch and the coach. 

The latest rumor is that Larry and the Misses have put their divorce on hold to see if things can be worked out.  Aaaaawwww.  That's nice.  The "You fucked my sister" and "Oh, yeah?  You fucked the Little League coach" poo flinging contest has gone dark for now.

Or has it?  The coach in question is flexing his pecs, opening his yap and giving us the full monty on his Cougar/MILF shagging of the present Mrs. King.  And I must say if Shawn's lady bits are as juicy as the quotes from the coach, Shawn will have every sentient male in the neighborhood lining up for a shot if and when she decides to dump her cadaver of a husband.

Hector Penate, the King kid's baseball coach.

After the game he fucks all the moms 

then does a drive-by.

Shawn's fuck buddy, Hector Penate, 31, told In Touch magazine that it took him all of two and a half weeks to get into Mrs. Hard-To-Get's pants.  And when he did, whoo boy!  Let's hear Hector Fuck 'n' Tell in his own words. "We had sex in Larry's bed -- a lot.  I had sex with Shawn while Larry was on TV. Our sex life was real good."

Some might think that boning a guy's wife in his own bed to be somewhat bad form, but look at the upside.  When the cuckolded hubby has a live TV show all you have to do is turn on the tube, make sure he's there, then have at it.  Hell, fuck her on the kitchen table if you want.  It's not like an angry spouse is going to come walking in the door with a gun anytime soon.

Hector also informs us that Shawn bought him a BMW and paid his rent.  Which in my mind, elevates him from your kid's little league coach to full fledged manwhore.

Good Evening, Ladies and Gentlemen.  This is Larry King Live.  Tonight, I've got a boner...for the full hour!

"So tell me, Pamela.  

What was it you liked best about Tommy Lee's cock.

The length or the girth?"

Meanwhile, back at CNN, Larry is still inexplicably working, despite having senior moments where he forgets who he is and channels Howard Stern.  Last week he asked (and asked, and asked) an embarrassed (how often does that happen?) Pamela Anderson if she wore panties on Dancing With The Stars.  Then a few days ago, he was leeringly agreeing with Sarah Silverman that yes, Sarah Palin should pose nude for Playboy.

I can only imagine that senior CNN executives are starting to give each other the "side-eye" while whispering, "Holy shit, what the hell are we going to do about Larry?"  Well, CNN, you're going to have to do something.  Larry's ratings are starting to tank and he's beginning to act like the old guy in the nursing home that they have to keep a lap robe on because he won't stop masturbating.

EU Drink-Off...Let's Bring It On!!!

The gauntlet has been thrown down:

Headline from the Irish Times:
Irish binge drinking "highest in EU."

Headline from the Telegraph (UK):
Britain is the "binge drinking capitol of Europe."

There is obviously only one way to settle this matter of national honor.  A totally pissed, drink till you drop, Battle of the Titans.

In this corner.  Representing the proud Emerald Isle.

Shane Macgowan, world class, hollow-legged souse and legendary falling down drunk singer of The Pogues.  What he lacks in teeth, he more than makes up for in age, experience, and a liver the size (and probably shape) of Ireland itself.  A life long hootch hound of Herculean capacity and endurance, Shane has to be considered a favorite by reputation and longevity alone.

And in the opposite corner.  For the yobs and ladettes of Britain.

The Queen of Quaff and Princess of the Plastered, Laura Hall, is the fastest rising star of the EU drinking scene.  She's young, she's foxy and she's really, really thirsty.  And at only 20 years of age has amassed an astonishing 26 booze related violations including the coveted title of being the only person male or female to be banned from drinking in both England and Wales.  Her youthful liver is probably not yet cirrhotic which may give her a slight edge.  The only question, since she's on a nationwide no-booze-buy-list, is will she be able to train properly for the big event.

Stay tuned.

h/t The Corner

Happy Earth Day! It's 24 times more stupid than Earth Hour.

Today is Earth Day and all the hippies will be riding their unicorns to the open spaces provided by the great Goddess Gaia to dance, speechify and eat yummy rainbow granola cakes.  This year the happy cakes will be laced with Soma to further cloud the minds of all the enviro-robots so they won't catch a clue that the whole plan for global control via the AGW scam is coming unraveled.

So have your fun, little Luddites, celebrate the earth, hate mankind and hope for the day when they'll be nothing but dinosaurs roaming the Earth once more.   And if you have an extra minute raise your bong to commemorate the birthday of Vladimir Lenin, leader of of the Bolshevik Revolution, which also falls on this date.  (A total coincidence, I'm sure.)

Oh, by the way.  How about picking up the trash this year when you're done.

This is the trash left by 2008 Earth Day celebrants 

in Balboa Park, San Diego.

Stupid Fucking Hippies.

My new favorite gal is back in the news.

Laura at her smiling, sober, going to court best.   

Laura Hall, god bless her.  She's got pluck and spunk and I'll put money on her to prove to the world that she will not let The Man keep her from being drunk off her ass if she wants to.

When last we saw our favorite, famous, fucked-up floozie, she had just been handed her DBO (Drunk Banning Order) and was on her way to international reknown.   Yesterday she appeared in court for her drunk and disorderly charge that she got on April 11th.  A violation of her Asbo that was all of ten days ago and just a few days before she got banned from every pub and liquor establishment in Britain and Wales.  Some new details of Laura's shenanigans have now come to light.

 The Laura that we've come to know and love.

Booty shorts, patterned tights, bra strap showing, 

a glass of booze and total drunk face. 

According to the story in the Daily Mail (UK), when Laura is in her cups she's prone to assaults, attacks on police officers, causing criminal damage, and drunk and disorderly.  26 convictions in all (so far).

District Judge Bruce Morgan gave Laura an ass-chewing and he was clearly not amused.

"A female with a record like this - it's absolutely despicable and represents all that is rotten in society nowadays."

(Hold on there judge.  That be sexist talk.  Save some of your ire for the yobs.)

And:

"You can't go on behaving like this in public - it must be a frightening sight to see you in full sail behaving in a violent and aggressive manner."

(Yeah...frightening...as in completely and totally Hawwwwwttttttt!!!!!)

Judge Bruce also fined our little lass 75 quid for the offense and 100 for costs.
Damn.  That's some serous drinking money.

Drunk Laura photo thanks Dlisted.

Died on this date:

Steve Marriott

Singer/Guitarist/Songwriter

January 30, 1947-April 20, 1991

(Age 44)

Listening to Steve Marriott sing was like listening to Keith Moon play a drum fill.  They would both start someplace normal then veer so far into the weeds you began thinking "they are never going to get back  from there in one piece."  Then all of a sudden.  Bam!!! They tumbled into the sweet pocket of the song like it was always planned that way.  Fan-fucking-tastic.

Steve Marriott as Mod icon in Small Faces

We in the states first got notice of Steve Marriott's talents in 1967 in the group Small Faces.  Songs like Here Comes The Nice, Itchycoo Park, and Tin Soldier are great examples of early psychedelic pop.  Ogden's Nut Gone Flake was one of the first concept albums of the pop era and definitely deserves a listen if you haven't heard it.

Steve Marriott becomes 70's Bad Ass Rocker.

Steve moved into the 70's with his celebrated rock band, Humble Pie.  They never seemed to be in the same top tier as The Allman Brothers or Cream, but they were a great live band that really fucking rocked.  Performance...Rockin' the Fillmore is one of the best live albums of the 70's, bar none.   (Jerry Shirley of Humble Pie was one of my favorite drummers.)  Also check out Humble Pie and Rock On.  Classic rock at it's best.

Steve died when his house burned to the ground while he was asleep.  Passing out with a lit cigarette after a night of drink and drugs was suspected.

Wikipedia has a detailed summation of the life and times of Steve Marriott.

Ladies and Gentlemen...Humble Pie 
(featuring a kick-ass vocal by Steve Marriott.)