This is one way to move up in the MMA rankings.

I don't know shit about mixed martial arts fighting or its participants, but by definition I would assume that they are all sorts of badass.

Jarrod Wyatt.

Killer of Satan. (If only!)

Jarrod Wyatt has proved to be the baddest of the bad by ripping the heart from the chest of his training partner, Taylor Powell. Unfortunately, because it would have been the coolest thing ever, he didn't do it like one of those cheesy choppy-socky Hong Kong kung-fu flicks where the guy reaches right into his opponents chest and pulls out his still beating heart.  No.  Jarrod did it the old fashioned way...with a knife.  Not only did Jarrod cut an 18 inch hole in the hapless Mr. Powell, he also sliced out his tongue  and removed a majority of his face.  Jarrod then cooked the body parts on the stove.  Man, those have got to be some one-of-kind crime scene photos.  

What could cause a man who does violence to other men for a living to take the next step to murder most heinous?  According to witnesses, Jarrod was hosting a little hallucinogenic mushroom tea party and Taylor forgot to bring the crumpets which enraged our crazy cage fighter.  Just kidding.  Actually, Jarrod had a bad reaction to the psychedelics and began to realize that his buddy was a vessel for Satan himself.  What do you do when faced with Beelzebub?  You fuck him up with a knife...Big Time.  

Mr. Wyatt has been charged with aggravated mayhem and torture in addition to first degree murder.  His lawyer is pleading that his client had a psychotic break presumably exacerbated by the 'shrooms.  Would any of us be surprised if anabolic steroid abuse turns up in this whole mess?  

In my personal drug history the chapter on acid, mescaline and mushrooms is a very short one.  Didn't like 'em much.  Too unpredictable.  You want to go slow?  Barbiturates and opiates.  Want to go fast?  Cocaine and speed.  Want to just get mellow?  Weed is what you need.  You pretty much know what you're going to get every time, except for those pesky occasional overdoses.  But acid and all that psychedelic shit?  Spinning your brain sideways like an uncontrollable top is a good way to take a header right off the face of the Earth, Bro'.  

Disclaimer: The Funeral Guy does not condone and in fact downright advises that you stay away from all mood altering substances including legal ones.  

Happy Memorial Day

God Bless all of our heroes.  The living and those no longer with us.  We owe you what can never be fully repaid.  We will never forget.

The Columbarium at Arlington National Cemetery.

Miss you, Mom and Dad.

The shit some people will do.

At one time I might have been shocked at this kind of behavior.  But then I saw that MTV extravaganza of guido fuckery, The Jersey Shore, and now nothing coming from the Garden State would surprise me in the least.

In Haddon Township, a 17 year old student took a dump in another kid's soda during shop class.  Even the dumb fuck jokers that ended up in shop class back in my day never pulled anything this simpleminded.  The victim took a sip of the poopy potion then immediately spat it out to the great merriment of his fellow lunkheads.

The cops and prosecutors were less amused with the coprophiliac cretin who eventually pled down from aggravated assault to a count of tampering with a food product.  Tampering?  That's a nice way of saying you gave a guy a shit shake to drink.

Ehhhh...So I took a shaduke in some douchebags drink.

Whaaaaatt!!??  Is that a big fuckin' deal here? 

The judge's sentence was appropriate.  Probation and community service which I'm sure this bozo is no stranger to.  But then the judge threw in the kicker.  Write a 1000 word essay on why it's unhealthy to ingest fecal matter.

A thousand word essay?  For this imbecile that's going to be a life sentence.

Teacher of the Year? And how!!! (Teacher/Student sex Pt. 5,678)

I'm a little shocked at this.  I always thought of  female teachers banging students as a white girl proclivity.  Well, I am all for diversity when it comes to this kind of stuff.

Keenon Aampay Hall, 29, is not only one hot sistah, she's the Teacher of the Year at Shiloh HS in Gwinnett County, Georgia.  Her big boy toy was on the football team and she went after him like Lawrence Taylor sacking a teenage hooker with a bag of crack.  She and her schoolboy paramour bumped the uglies in a hotel, at her friend's house and in the classroom during school hours.  Not only that, when she wanted to have a baboo with her teen stud he refused and she lowered his grade.  Now that is definitely not kosher.

  Keenon Aampay Hall

She gots dem bedroom eyes. 

The seduction story as told by the lucky student victim is pretty funny.  From the article:

"We entered the room...then she gave me some vodka and ask me do I enjoy drinking?  I told her lies about being a good drinker, but honestly after one drink I was done.  She began feeling my man parts and we had sex."

For her part, Hall "admitted to having a sexual relationship with the student".  In her statement to the school district she said it was a "consenual (sic) relationship".   Please take note that the Teacher of the Year can't spell the word "consensual".

Keenon's mother, Connie Hall, jumped to her defense.  "My daughter didn't have any inappropriate relationship with no under-aged student.  She resigned for medical reasons, that's what the paperwork shows."  She blames her daughter's problems on stress caused by mouthy teens and pushy parents.

The proud parentals are still wondering why Keenon never got her Teacher of the Year ring and dad Dennis Hall is making noises about a defamation lawsuit because her reputation was destroyed by "the word of one knucklehead."  Uh...Earth to Connie and Dennis...your daughter admitted to doing the shag nasty with her student.  Get a fucking clue, will 'ya?

I, myself, blame the school district.  In her application letter Keenon warned them that she had "a passion for education and working with children."

They should have known that she meant a passion for the sexual education of hunky young football players by working their "man parts" to orgasm.

A clash of civilizations. Islam loves camels. The west loves cameltoe.

Another story to illustrate how hard it is to drag the Muslim faith into the 14th century, much less the 21st.

Those crazy purveyors of Sharia Law in Pasi Jambu, West Aceh, Indonesia are forcing women caught wearing pants into those stupid non-sexy skirts.  Muslim men being so out of control that if they even get a glance of V at the bottom of a women's zipper they'll have thoughts that will send them to hell.  If I was king of Indonesia all skirts would be short, tight and only worn with high heels.  Anyway, back in reality, 20,000 of the skirts are being distributed to women breaking the law against indecent clothing.  I guess those shit nuts mullahs are afraid of starting up the earthquakes again.

I'm sorry, but even if you put Megan Fox 

in this she'd look like a frump.

The women are rightly bitching not because they desire to be Indonesian Paris Hiltons, but just for the utility of pants versus skirts when it comes to riding bicycles and motorbikes which is the main mode of transportation in this particular third world dirt puddle.
 

Aceeptable Muslim Cameltoe.

This is how we do Cameltoe

in the good ol' US of A.  

In further decrees by the insane Indonesian Islamists, adulterers will be stoned to death and homosexuals and pedophiles will be publicly lashed and imprisoned.

OK.  I'm with you when it comes to the kid touchers.

Look at the body??? Why would we want to do that?

This is really sad.  No joke.

I grew up a Buckeye and this one took place in my old home town.

Long story short there was a mix up between the Franklin County (OH) Coroners Office and the funeral home and the wrong body got cremated.  That is really bad, but it happens.  What makes this one really sad is that the family was preparing for a viewing of the deceased and it was their 14 month old baby boy.  They'd even bought him a little baby tux to wear.  I've dressed a couple of kids in those.  They are adorable.  (Except for the dead kid part, of course.)

The family of little Jaylen Talley is righteously pissed and has every reason to be.  The coroner's employee that started this whole fuck up by giving the wrong body to the funeral home is Angela Summerfield.  Angela has been written up for numerous violations such as lying,  being disrespectful to supervisors and turning in sloppy time cards.  She was rated competent in the handling of bodies, however.  Or at least good enough for government work.

Summerfield has been placed on paid leave pending an investigation.  Paid leave tells me public employee union protection.  Franklin County Coroner Jan Gorniak is all apologies as she damn well should be.

A typical county morgue.

A case of mistaken identity just waiting to happen. 

Now, lets get to the funeral home involved in this.  The Franklin County Coroner's Office may be filled with nothing but clock watching goldbricks and low IQ screw-offs but the ultimate fault lies with the Cook and Son-Palley funeral home that took control of the wrong body.  Their excuse is that they don't look in body bags out of privacy and respect for the deceased.  This is about seven steaming piles of horseshit.  Of course you look in the bags.   You look in the bags so you can check the tags SO YOU KNOW YOU HAVE THE RIGHT BODY AND YOU DON'T CREMATE SOMEBODY ELSE'S LOVED ONE!  Especially if you're doing cremations for 30 different funeral homes.  We have an ironclad rule at our place.  Check the tag and then have somebody else check the tag.

Privacy and respect for the deceased means you don't get a body in the prep room then comment on how nice her tits are or how small the cock is on that one.  The funeral home is just trying to cover its ass from the lawsuit that is surely coming its way.

I know I'm sick but this is the funniest thing I've ever seen.

This vid is totally viral, but goddamit, I just have to post it too.

I know the mature thing is to cluck cluck cluck and wring our hands and just get all sour and serious.  I'm not gonna do it!  This is the greatest video to hit the interwebs.  I've watched this thing about a million times and I laugh harder the more I see it.  You know what I'm talking about I'm sure.

Yep...the two-year old chimney himself.  Ardi Rizal.  Baby Buddah with the ever present cancer stick.  God, I can't stop laughing.  His father got him started and thinks his little puffing butterball looks perfectly healthy.  And he does.  Until you see his X-ray.

Little Ardi Rizal doing his train impression.

Choo! Choo!

Here it is in case you haven't seen it.


I love the way he puffs away like an old pro.  I can't wait to see his video on his 5th birthday when he's smoking and snorting coke off a whore's thigh with a bottle of whiskey in his hand.  

A child's years pass so fast.  Enjoy those priceless moments.  

Died Today:

Dennis Hopper

Actor/Filmaker

May 17, 1936-May 29, 2010

(Age 74)

Dennis Hopper 

I saw Easy Rider in 1969 when I was a left wing, long-haired, hippie rocker.  Boy, those two guys sure could stick it to The Man...uh, man.  When I watched it again a few years ago, I remember thinking that those two crackers with the shotgun might have had a point.  Funny how you grow up and your attitudes change.

Dennis Hopper always had the persona of the wild man of Hollywood in the '70's.  I would imagine that his prodigious use of cocaine and other drugs led to that impression.  Interesting how clean cut he was in the fifties when he started in Rebel Without A Cause.  After his self destruction during that decade Dennis Hopper came back with knockout roles in Blue Velvet and especially Hoosiers which garnered him a Best Supporting Actor Oscar nomination.  He then kept up a steady career by appearing in such films as River's Edge, Red Rock West, Speed and many others.  He also directed the under rated Colors. 

Dennis Hopper was married five times (also my personal best).  All his wives were hot and included Mama's and Papa's singer Michelle Phillips.  Ironically, for the man who directed the most iconic countercultural film of its era, Dennis Hopper revealed that he considered himself a conservative in his later years.  Funny how you grow up and your attitudes change. 

We were watching online at the funeral home when Dennis Hopper received his star on The Hollywood Walk of Fame on March 18.  We were totally shocked at how bad he looked.  My co-worker wryly remarked, "Shit, we've got people in the cooler that look healthier than he does."  I gave him two months.  Pretty close.  I do know my death.  

From complications of prostate cancer.   RIP.

Died Yesterday:

Gary Coleman

Actor/Security Guard

Feb. 8, 1968-May 28, 2010

(Age 42)

Gary Coleman (and widow)
She's sitting down, he's standing. 

Gary Coleman was the big star with the teeny body on the sitcom Different Strokes which ran from 1978-1986.  I have to admit that I didn't watch the show, but I understand when Gary scowled out his tagline "Whatchoo' talkin' 'bout, Willis?" it was cause for much hilarity.

Being the cultural maven that I am I was, of course, aware of the post stardom shenanigans of the diminutive star.  It was pretty funny when we all found out that he was a security guard.  I mean, he's like 3 feet tall for chrissakes.  And he punched his tall, white wife around too.  Domestic violence is not funny, but come on, you know you'd have paid good money to see that bout on Pay-Per-View.   He also ran for Governor of California in the same recall election that elected Arnold Schwarzenegger.  The field of 135 candidates also included pornstar Mary Carey along with other kooks like watermelon hammering comic Gallagher, pioneering famewhore Angelyne and pioneering famewhore Arianna Huffington.  Amazingly, Gary Coleman finished 8th.  Just behind Hustler stroke book publisher, Larry Flynt.  California.  How can you not take us seriously?

My memory of Gary Coleman will always be of an angry Benjamin Button looking guy.  I'll cut him some slack though, if my parents had stolen a fortune from me I'd be angry all the time too.

Died from a subdural hematoma after falling down and hitting his head.   (If I wanted to be mean I would express my surprise that anyone could sustain such a serious injury by falling from such a short height.  But I won't.)

New York teachers...like a real life Van Halen video.

We have hot to trot teachers at it again.  The latest is Marla Gurecki-Haskins, 37, who, according to the story, teaches on the subject of how great it is to get a blowjob from an experienced cougar.

MILF-y Marla...You are Marvelous!

Her picture in the yearbook makes it a stroke book. 

Marla is accused of giving a lucky 17 year old dude a knob polish IN THE CLASSROOM!!!  Nothing like raising the excitement level of a sexual encounter like the chance of getting caught.  Here is the interesting wrinkle.  She hasn't been charged with any kind of sexual assault because the age of consent in New York is 17.  I'm guessing that the school district probably has some kind of rule against it though.

The lusty educatrix has been charged with a felony count of disseminating indecent material to a minor and three other misdemeanors in connection to sexy-time texts and e-mails to a couple of other 16 year old boys.  Damn.  This babe is really in her prime and has gotta have it.

There is no mention if Marla is married, although the hyphenated name is a giveaway that somewhere  making himself scarce is a thoroughly humiliated cuckold of a husband.  A guy who will have to spend the next few years imagining his dear little wife gobbling teenage boy boner in her classroom.  Ouch!

When you go to the link be sure to click on the slideshow of naughty teachers.  Man...I was born 45 years too early.