Weekend hits for giggles and shits.

If the Rapture came I was Left Behind along with everyone else in my field of vision.  Who knew I was surrounded by so many Satan Worshippers?  Including my own beloved Mrs. Funeral Guy.  A woman who faithfully reads her Bible every morning.  (And no, I'm not kidding.)  Wouldn't you if I were your husband?

Now that's out of the way and we can stop laughing at the one guy who convinced a lot of folks that he was the only person that knew the unknowable.  ("No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father." Matthew 24:36 NIV)  


As for myself, had the End Times arrived I would have either been off to paradise (hopefully) or....been spending whatever was left of this earthly existence burying and cremating little piles of clothes and shoes.  Hmmmm...I probably would have had to readjust the General Price List and planned a retirement party for the embalmer.  


So what else has been going on?


The fad of Planking keeps the Comedy Gold coming. 

Simon Hallam's pet fish planking on his hand. 

Planking is back in the news.  I guess enough idiots haven't killed or gravely injured themselves yet to stop this fad dead in its tracks (tee hee).  A 20 year old Aussie dude fell off the boot (I think that's the trunk in American talk) of a moving car and is now hospitalized in an induced coma.   Simon Hallam, who according to the story is a plasterer by trade has shown that you don't have to be plastered to do something this stupid.  Just be an Australian plasterer.  Charges are pending against the driver.  Australia seems to be the hotbed of this mindless idiocy.  I think I heard once that they drink a lot there.  What's next?  Planking on the back of a Great White Shark?  Planking on the wing of a jumbo jet during take-off?  The possibilities are endless.


"Bloodshot Eyes Crying in the Rain" 

The Red Headed Stranger getting ready to study 

the many issues on his ballot pamphlet.

Former New Mexico Governor, Gary Johnson, has garnered the coveted Willie Nelson presidential endorsement.  Johnson who is a Republican with strong libertarian leanings is a drug legalization advocate.  Willie, is a lifelong pot and shroom enthusiast so this is a case of politician/constituent synchronicity.   Wait a minute...hold the phone...this just in from the Nelson camp.

"This just proves what I thought all along.  Gary Johnson is a great American.  He will make a great president if elected.  And I will support him all the way in the GOP primary.  I also support Dennis Kucinich on the Dem side if he decides to run.  They are great Americans and I'm proud to support both of them."  

So Willie endorses two candidates.  Is he so stoned he votes twice?  This is the problem with your base being blasted on de' 'erb, mon.   They're highly motivated, but only to lean forward from the couch to grab the bong and the bic.

 Mick and Keith...Does anyone really care anymore?

The Glimmer Twins, back when their love 

was a fresh as the first spring rain.

Rumor from across the pond is that Mick Jagger has a new band and the Stones are finito.   Dave Stewart (Eurythmics) will play the other grandpa with Mick along with Joss "Will Fuck For Tracks" Stone as the saucy granddaughter and a couple of other really foreign looking duds (typo but I'll keep it) who I've never heard of to round out the diversity quotient (and the wacky neighbor role...like a sitcom). The name of this super duper supergroup is reportedly Super Heavy.  Wow, that's heaaaavvvyyyy, maaaaaaaaan!!  Super heavy.  

Keith Richards and his homosexual lover longtime bandmate are feuding because in Keith's autobiography Mr. Richards portrays Mick as a complete fucking tool with a small tallywacker to boot.  Yeah...that would probably piss me off too.

No Sale...No Tail!

Sorry Eliot, no politicians at this Poon Party.

Munich Re is a big assed German insurance company.  It is so big that it is actually in the business of insuring other insurance companies.  Damn...who even knew?   Didn't we fight a bloody war in the 40's to prevent Krauts from having big stuff?  They always do bad things with big stuff.  

Anyhoodle, it is good to be a salesman at Munich Re.  It was revealed that in 2007 the company had a big shebang (tee hee) in Budapest and rewarded the top salesmen with a snizz party.  With typical German efficiency the strumpets got their hand stamped after each servicing.  A trollop timecard if you will.  They even wore colored wristbands.  The white ones were really good whores reserved for the really good salesman.  The ones with the yellow wristbands had pimples on their ass, saggy tits and hadn't been to a doctor for a while.  The not-so-top sales guys got the bargain basement snooch.  Bummer. Work a little harder next quarter asshole.  At least they gone some action. The bottom of the sales force got bupkis.  In the immortal words of Blake in Glengarry Glen Ross, "Put. That. Pussy. Down.  Pussy's for closers."  

Oh....the top tier female salesforce?   Uh....Tupperware, I guess. 

With each promotion you get one free rape!

IMF Banker Ima Suckyouoff on her way 

to a meeting on Nigerian debt relief. 

Which brings us to more Eurotrash fuckery.  We all know about DSK (The IMF rapist so famous he's now known by his initials.  That's way cooler than Madonna or Cher even!)   Well, the manhole is now off the sewer and it is now coming out that the IMF is basically just one big Naughty Vicar and the Serving Wench sketch on the Benny Hill Show.  A lot of the women even eschewed wearing skirts to tamper down the ardor of the ever priapic economists.  Who said all that international finance stuff was boring?  After reading the article it's more like being a rock star with a Savile Row suit.   

Maybe it was the morning puke breath that drove Leo away.

Super hot Supermodel and ex Leonardo DiCaprio 
fuck buddy Bar Rafelli demonstrating 

to a friend how she maintains that Supermodel figure. 

Have you noticed?   Every other picture of a celebrity is them on vacation in some sun dappled paradise lounging around on a fucking yacht.  I don't ever want to hear a word from these people that could even be construed as a bitch or a complaint.  The only thing they should say publicly is, "I thank God (Gaia, Allah, Jesus, Buddha, whatever) that somebody as marginally talented as I can live the life of a oil rich potentate.  And thank you to all the people that buy tickets to my crappy movies or pay to listen to the shit that I pass off as music.  I am now, and will always be eternally grateful."  

Well, that's one way to get the Jews to move.

Coming to the City by the Bay in November?  A measure on the ballot to ban male circumcision in the city of San Francisco.  The new law, if enacted, will be punishable by fines and/or jail time.  It would apply to all males under 18 with no exceptions for religious practices.

Supporters of the law call circumcision genital mutilation, which, strictly defined, it probably is.  But it ain't akin to clitoridectomy.  Circumcision removes excess skin and clitoridectomy removes the source of pleasure in a woman.  If they pass a law that says some doctor is gonna cut off my glans penis...well, let's just say someone is going to meet my 12 gauge.

This is a topic that could be debated ad infinitum, but only in a Nanny Lib city like San Francisco would they vote to take the choice away from parents.  (And Jewish tradition.)  If this passes expect decades of litigation.

Ban the bris? 

I'll give your pestelah a bris, ya' goyim bastards. 

As you know, The Funeral Guy is not gay (putting aside some non-committal and completely academic curiosity about Thai Lady Boys).  I myself am a "helmet" (like 80% of American males) and not an "anteater".  (Ladies, figure it out.)  The only dog I have in this fight is that I hate the fact that government (city, state or federal) would get involved in this.  This is a cultural and personal issue.  Sure, most males don't have a choice in the matter.  But you know what?  When you're a baby there's a whole slew of shit you don't have a choice in.  That's just life.  I had a friend that was circumcised at the age of 18 and he said it hurt like a sonofabitch.  I read in Elvis's biography that he was embarrassed about his "hillbilly dick".  To which the only answer could be, "Dude, you're Elvis and you have a dick.  The world of pussy is pretty much your oyster" (So to speak).   As for me the deal is done and that's that.  No going back.  Some argue that the uncut penis is more sensitive than the cut one.  I wouldn't know about that, but if the giggle in my giggle stick was even more rapturous than it is now, I would probably just spend my days sitting around compulsively masturbating like a monkey in a zoo.  When it comes to the ladies?  Mrs. Funeral Guy says she finds the extra skin of an anteater cock off-putting.  I think her exact words were, "Eeeuuuww, gross."  On the other hand (tee hee), some of the gals on Yahoo! Answers were quite enthusiastic about uncut weenies.  "More fun to play with" seemed to be the consensus   Yahoo!!!!, indeed.   (As the population of uncircumcised males goes up, it stands to reason that women will become more used to them.)

I can't help but think the huge gay community of SF might be the impetus for this.  A quick Google search for Uncut Gay Porn only brought up 5,590,000 hits.  Could it be that certain people are just looking for more docking partners?  Docking.  Yes, it requires two uncut men and involves pretty much what you would imagine.  You can do your own search if you want to, there are some things even I don't want to see.  Much less touch with a ten foot pole.

Ahnolds Squeeze Revealed! (And it's not a pretty picture.)

I was going to let the Schwarzenegger "Love Child" story die a natural death, but I've got to take a final shot.  (If all sorts of great looking whores with pictures and sordid stories start crawling from the baseboards all bets are off.)

The UK Mail (Brit papers are the only good ones anymore) has photos of the family maid that Ahnold put in the family way.  Her name is Mildred Baena.  She is fifty years old now and her son is 14.  Math is not my forte' but by taking off my shoes and socks I've determined Mildred was 36 when she was getting the poke from the Austrian Oak.

Now I don't know what Mildred looked like 14 years ago when she was 20.  Maybe she was a hot Latina firecracker.  Some gals have a short window of babeitude.  That's just the way life works.   Fourteen years ago Maria Shriver looked pretty good but in need of a few sandwiches.  Women can never understand when men cheat on their attractive wives.  (Or at least women that other woman find attractive.  Women think Sarah Jessica Parker is attractive.  Men don't.  Trust me.)  One of the only funny things Maureen Dowd ever wrote was when she was pondering the appeal of Monica Lewinsky to a sitting President.  She wrote Bill Clinton just grabbed "the closest doughnut on the platter."  Ms. Dowd, you have just found one of the keys to understanding male sexuality.  (Full disclosure: my past life has not been exemplary as my regular readers know.)

Mildred Benea Now.  

I've seen some hot older Mexican broads.

Mildred ain't one of them. 

So here's today's lesson for my fellow men.  Don't fuck around on your wife for any reason.  It's a bad deal all the way around.  You will regret it.  OK. Now that I have that disclaimer out of the way for my wife's sake and you're not going to listen to me anyway, think on this.

Guys, this is the new age.  Everybody has a camera, a Facebook page and a big mouth.  If you fuck around you have a 99.9% chance of all the bad shit you're doing being found out.  If you're a celebrity or political figure the number rises to 100% so this is mainly for you.  Regular schlubs can sometimes work things out because the humiliations are not so public.  So, seriously, think long and hard (then get your dick short and soft and think again) about that piece of ass you just have to have.  There's a good chance you're throwing your reputation, you career, your family and all you've worked for down the volcano.

TMZ just posted some new photos.  I now know what she looked like 14 years ago, and OH MY GOD!

Mildred one year before the "Love Child" conception.

This made Arnold out of control horny?  

Mildred as she looked right before the 

Terminator Spawn burst from her lady parts.  

I don't want to be unkind.  I'm sure Mildred is a perfectly nice woman.  If you put aside the fact that she willingly boned her employer's husband, that is.  But let's be brutally honest.  This is not movie star fuck material.  (In my mind she's barely two in the morning last call at the bar material.)  Along with being an asshole for cheating on his wife, Schwarzenegger should be really fucking embarrassed by this.  Maureen Dowd's closest doughnut on the platter theory writ large.  What the hell was he thinking?

Anytime you have a headline with the words "Staff" "Member" and Schwarzenegger in it you know you have a juicy story.

We all knew about the former Governator and his wife Maria separating after 25 years of marriage.  Well it now turns out that Ahnold put his "member" (or "staff" if you prefer) in one of the household staff.  Female, we will presume, since lo and behold a little Austrian Oak (or Oakette) popped out.  Uh, oh, I bet he wasn't "over the moon" about that little slip up.  (And no.  We here at The Funeral Guy are not going to respect your family through this difficult time.  The Funeral Guy is not in the celebrity douchebag respect business.)  Why is this always referred to as a "love child"?  Most of the time I would suspect that "Love" has nothing to do with it.  I do have other "L" words in mind, however.  (That would be Lust, Licentiousness, Lasciviousness, Lechery, Lewdness or Libido in case you need help.)

Arnold and wife Skeletor Maria

The parties involved ain't talkin' and understandably so.  What's Maria going to say?  "I'm a Kennedy.  I grew up in a family where you would walk into the kitchen and one of the guys would be diddling the cook from behind while she was making Eggs Benedict.  It was more or less a daily occurrence.  When I was a kid the men would gather after dinner in the library for brandy, cigars and blow jobs from the maid.  I just stopped noticing after awhile.  That said, I certainly expected my husband Arnold to maintain a higher moral stance because he was a major action movie star.  If you can't trust a Hollywood celebrity, who can you trust?"

 No photos available of the staff member but considering 

the risk involved it better look like this.  

Good Kennedy Family gossip here.  Read the stuff about the former president.  Man, if all that is true, the dude was a pathological satyr.

Some guy on CNN is gay. Possibly two guys. Are there more? One can only wonder.

I never watch CNN.  It's boring and liberal and boring.  I know who Larry King is but he's gone.  Don Lemon is apparently an anchor on the network.  He tweeted that he was gay.  I'm pretty sure Larry King wasn't gay.  He had sex with his sister-in-law.  That's not gay.  I know a lot of folks tweet, but I think tweeting is kinda gay.  Don Lemon even wrote a book about being gay...and black...apparently that's double hard.  No pun intended...really.   I don't really know who Don Lemon is.  Because I never watch CNN, I guess.  Isn't Anderson Cooper supposed to be gay?  Did he tweet about it?  Everybody seems to be tweeting.  If they called it something else like "short bursts of typing" it might sound less gay.  I really don't know about these things.  I need to get out more.  I'm beginning to suspect that a lot of people are gay.  Do I care?  I don't actually.  Sometimes when I run out of things to say I'm tempted to drop into the conversation that I'm gay.  I think it would be funny, but my wife wouldn't.  I'm pretty sure she'd be embarrassed.  Even more embarrassed than she usually is by my behavior.  I had a discussion with someone once about if we would let a Thai Lady Boy give us oral sex.  I said I probably would.  That's kinda gay.  But not really really gay.  Because it's like a girl and you don't touch the other part.  So not gay.  Purely hypothetical.  Although I hope my wife doesn't read this.  That would be embarrassing.

 Don Lemon.  Confirmed Gay. 

Looks like a nice young man. 

I really like his tie. 

Anderson Cooper.  Gay? 

I read once he collects antiques.  

His blue eyes are really pretty. 

This is really all I have to say on this matter.  Is it too much for a tweet?  I need to try that sometime.  Go back to whatever it was you were doing.

French IMF head is an even bigger shitbird than first suspected.

Let's put aside for a moment that this fucking mope is basically a stupid spray tanned bag of cum with a spear for a dick.

Dominique Strauss-Kahn is a socialist, as in capital S, Socialist Party.  You know, the ones that want to stick their big Gallic euro-schnozzes into everybody else's business.  Always going on and on about equality blah, blah, blah.  Well,  it turns out when he was doing his dinky-do with the chambermaid he was staying in a $3000 a night room at one of New York's swankiest hotels.  The EU economy is going down the dumper right quick, all the leaders are preaching austerity, austerity, austerity and Mr. Fire Balls here is living like a Saudi prince.  Seriously, who the fuck does this guy think he is?  Al Gore?  John Edwards?  Sheeesh!!!!

It is now coming to light that Monsieur Strauss-Kahn is like Tiger Woods without the backswing.  I'm only talking in terms of risky horniness.  Tiger was a guy who had to dodge all the pussy being thrown his way and couldn't help but catch some of the overflow.  Rape was never on his scorecard.  This French asshole is just a stubby little troll who saw what he wanted and took it as his natural right.  (There are now other women coming out of the woodwork singing the same song about this masher.)   I'm waiting for the rest of the nose in the air Eurotrash to start tut-tutting about us Americans and our prudish attitudes toward sex.  Yeah, we don't think rape is that cool.  You wanna do something about it?

 Dominique Strauss-Kahn being "Frog" marched into a NYC courtroom.   

This should make a good campaign poster 

when he runs for President of France.  

Let's review what we have so far.  (Innocent until proven guilty...yada yada yada...)  The maid is cleaning the room.  Dominique (I can't get over the chick name on this dude.  Maybe that's part of his problem.) comes out of the bathroom in his birthday suit.   Let's assume he's at full mast and pretty as a picture.  He then chased her down a hallway and pulled her into a room and assaulted her.   The victim fought him off and then he dragged her into the bathroom and forced her to perform oral sex while trying to get her panties off.  The maid sustained some injuries during the attack and one can hope that Dominique was at least courteous enough to tell her, "You might want to put some ice on that."  (Damn, I was just thinking.  This guy is my age.  I would have been winded as shit and clutching my chest after all this exertion.  And he kept a stiffy during all this?  You can't fool me.  Cialis for daily use.)  Oh, and let's add this wrinkle.  Left wing white man sexually assaults African (assuming black) hotel maid.  Liberals? Al Sharpton?  Hello?  (chirp...chirp....chirp....)

The thing that kills me?  They caught him because after he hightailed it to his plane (First Class seating, of course.) he called the hotel to see if someone could bring him his cell phone.  Didn't want to lose all the pics of his boner that he has on it would be my guess.  What a fucking dumbass.  Criminals that stick up 7-11's and drop their wallets at the scene laugh at this jamoke.

I posted yesterday that nothing would happen to this guy but I'm starting to reassess.  The judge said flight risk, no bail.  (Roman Polanski spoiled that dodge for all the foreign rapists.)  He's off to Rikers Island where he may pick up some lessons in sexual assault from some real pros.  I'm beginning to think this jerk-off is in some deep shit.  There's only two conclusions you can come to about this guy.  With all he is and all he has to lose he must either be just one of those powerful guys who thinks he can get away with anything.  (Cough cough...former president....cough...cough...)  Or he is completely deranged.

Maybe Bill Clinton can get his law license reinstated and join his defense team.

  "I'm just going to tell you this once.  I did not have 

sexual relations with that woman...that African hotel maid." 

Donald Trump fires himself from presidential race. The hairball that lives on his head is still undecided.

Fly Away Little Bird, Fly Away!

The Donald Trump I'm Gonna Be President and Bone Those Chinks Right Up The Ass Express has pulled into the station and will be mothballed at least for the 2012 race.

Let's be real, this was a joke from the start, right?  Once the press started crawling up his ass with a magnifying glass, that was going to be the end of it anyway.  The press will protect their boy Obama and Trump would be just too much fun to ignore.  I don't think you get to be a mogul of The Donald's stature without a lot of sketchy shit and closets bursting with skeletons.  How about about a sit down interview with Marla Maples?  Fun and Fireworks.  Whoo hooo!

I did like how he made Obama all twitchy about the Birth Certificate thing and charging countries serious money for their liberation is an idea whose time has come.   Plus, a presidential candidate that freely curses like a coal miner?  I kind of like that too.  "My fellow fucking Americans.  I am here to report on the State of the goddam Union.  And you know what?  Our union is truly a piece of shit and heading down the crapper at warp speed."   Hahaha.  Now that would be worth watching.

Also it would have been nice to have a First Lady with big cans and not afraid to show 'em.

Now that The Donald is no longer a contender

he can spend more time with his funbags family. 

Australian man odds-on early favorite in 2011 Darwin Awards competition.

Planking?  No, thanks.  I'll stick to wanking and yanking or even sexy spanking and suggest you do the same.  (And ladies?  Keep doing whatever it is that you do.)  I'd never heard of this and you know at my age I just love to stay hep to all the hijinks that the youngsters are grokking.

 This is planking.  Lying stiffly on something and 

having your photo taken. Yep, that's it. 

 Ladies, you're supposed to be smarter than this. 

Planking is lying down in unusual places, your body stiff as a board, being photographed, then posting the results on social networking sites, (i.e. Facebook) for the hilarious effect and thigh slapping amusement of your peer group.  (i.e. other young idiots.)  Harmless fun, I suppose.  It's always harmless fun...UNTIL SOMEBODY DIES!!!

Aussie Acton "Foolish" Beale.  Perpetuating the stereotype of 

good looking guy equals not a lot upstairs.  

And the Grim Reaper is exactly who Mr. Acton Beale met after he unsuccessfully tried to plank himself on a 5cm wide balcony railing.  He then rather predictably by my estimation, fell into the afterlife.  5 centimeters is just a cunt hair under 2 inches for those of us who use real American measuring standards.  Think about that.  Lying stiffly supine on a two inch railing seven stories above the ground.  What could possibly go wrong?   It's not like they put railings on elevated areas to keep people from falling off.  No, they must be there so you can lie on them like a piece of wood.  Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.  Can it get any funnier?   Nobody saw Acton fall which strikes me odd since isn't the photo the whole point?  Maybe he was doing the arms length self photo which has been perfected by amateur internet sluts taking pictures of their asses in their filthy bathrooms.

Be that as it may, Mr. Beale has become a cautionary tale as Aussie police are advising all the young boneheads to have your fun but be safe.  Duh.  Small comfort and a little late for the parents of Mr. Beale as they plan his funeral.

Stupid is as stupid does has been the province of the young for all recorded history.  My parent's generation swallowed goldfish and stuffed as many people in a phone booth as possible.  My fellow boomers simply took copious amounts of drugs.   At least we had the payoff of a nice buzz before the occasional demise from an overdose.

Planking?  More stupid than drugs.  Just say no.

Euro Shock! A beheading not connected to Islam.

Sometimes shit happens to people that is akin to being hit by a meteor.  A British woman named Jennifer Mills-Westley was on holiday (as the Brits say) when some batshit crazy homeless Bulgarian lunatic stabbed her 14 times then hacked off her head.  This occurred in broad daylight in front of God and everybody else that was there on the street.  The Bulgarian head case (oops, sorry) psycho proceeded to prance around with the good lady's bloody noggin while waving it at the tourists by the hair .  Oh, yeah, he was muttering about being "a prophet of God, I will do His justice on earth."  Please note:  no reference to Allah.  I'm pretty hard on the Islamists, but this screwball could have been a Presbyterian.

Jennifer Mills-Westley in happier, headier times.  

From the article:

Manuel Reveron, a local councillor said: "Apparently this gentleman without any motive or any reason, although for this there is no reasoning, entered the shop and then cut this woman's neck and took the head in his hand outside up to the sidewalk."

Now I give Senor Reveron props for being a pretty cool customer with his no nonsense just-the-facts-ma'am eyewitness recounting.  But, dude.  A man that slices a woman's head off in the public square may be a lot of things, but he ain't no gentlemen.

The homeless headchopper (Deyan Valeninov Deyonov, by name) was well known in the area for his belligerent antics, but no one apparently thought enough about it to toss his derelict ass into the bughouse or better yet one of those old Spanish prisons where they beat the soles of your feet with clubs just for fun.  This being Europe I'm sure they were too busy giving out tickets to folks not properly recycling.

Much to the loss of Mrs. Mills-Westley's family.

Just to add a little insult to injury, here is a screen shot from The Telegraph.  Note the #2 item in News Most Viewed.   Then note item #3.

NEWS MOST VIEWED

• TODAY
• PAST WEEK
• PAST MONTH

1. Osama bin Laden hiding place visited by Taliban
2. British woman beheaded in Tenerife named
3. Why I'll never go under the knife - Penelope Cruz
4. Richard Dawkins accused of cowardice for refusing to debate existence of God
5. Mystery helicopter claim over Dr David Kelly death