Movie tips for, shall we say, the adventurous viewer.

I've been spending some time this morning perusing this article about movies that are too painful to watch twice. As you can imagine The Funeral Guy enjoys films that are off the beaten track if not downright depressing. Mrs. Funeral Guy likes her cinematic experiences a little more upbeat so a lot of times I watch my kind of films by myself. I've seen eleven of the films on this list and added some of the more interesting looking ones to my Netflix queue.

Watching a disturbing film a second time has never been an issue with me, since the fact that they're disturbing is why I've watched them in the first place. I've probably seen Bad Lieutenant and Requiem for a Dream 4 or 5 times. I will admit that I've avoided United Flight 93 since its release because I just didn't feel like getting myself all pissed off. I have now added it to my queue.

The list contains some Oscar recognized films, Boys Don't Cry, Leaving Las Vegas and Million Dollar Baby that will have probably been seen by most of you, but if you want a challenge for this weekend I would recommend Irreversible. Read the mini review in the article then see it if you dare. You may not like it but you won't soon forget it either.

h/t GoodShit

Maybe letting schizophrenics marry and reproduce is not such a good idea.

UPDATE: We now have a picture of the baby eating mom. According to the story her husband is also schizophrenic. It just goes to show that if you look hard enough you can find your soul mate.

I feel much better now that I have something in my stomach.

Died on this date:

Sam Phillips-Record Producer and Rock and Roll Pioneer-July 30, 2003 (Age 80)

When Sam Phillips passed away all the accolades that came his way were justly deserved and then some. Without Sam Phillips and Sun Records there wouldn't have been any Elvis Presley, Johnny Cash, Jerry Lee Lewis, B.B. King, Roy Orbison and countless others. Sun Records was the birthplace of Rock and Roll, period, and Sam Phillips was a true American visionary.

When your time is up, your time is up.

Just goes to show you when the Angel of Death knocks at the door there's no hiding under the bed.

Kinda cool. 30 Strangest Deaths in History

Hey, all I was looking for was a roll in the hay.

When our grandparents picked up the morning paper did they see headlines like this, or have times really changed?

Police: SC man charged with having sex with horse

I'm pretty libertarian when it comes to consensual sex but maybe Rodell skimped on the foreplay, or perhaps ol' Seabiscuit felt pressured into sex. (I'm making up a moniker here as newspapers don't print the names of rape victims.) Also, this isn't the first time he's violated the same horse so stalking may also be involved. I'm going to assume Rodell was the pitcher and not the catcher for two reasons. First, he was charged with buggery. Second, he is still alive. I'm linking to the story of Mr. Hands, a horse lover who liked being on the receiving end of an aroused stallion. Notice I'm using the past tense as Mr. Hands final encounter of equine amour ended with a perforated colon and death.

Come on, you horse diddlers. Find someone of your own species. Some things are just wrong.

P.S. Is Rodell Vereen a horse fucker name or what?

Died on this date:

"Mama" Cass Eliot-Singer -July 29, 1974 (Age 32)

Probably the most distinctive voice of the mid '60's folk pop music scene. Her group the Mamas and the Papas sold a gazillion records and the mega hit "California Dreaming" did more to increase the population of the Golden State until illegal immigration from Mexico ramped up the trend with a vengeance. The band broke up in 1971 and of the four Cass had the most successful solo career. Momma Cass was discovered dead in her London hotel room following a concert at the Palladium. Because a half eaten ham sandwich was found next to her bed the rumor took hold that she choked to death on the aforementioned hoagie. That rumor lives on to this day, helped along by the indisputable fact that Cass was obviously a lady that liked a good sandwich or three. (Hey...don't forget those fries!) Good story, but untrue. Death was, in fact, caused by a heart attack.

Exclusive!!!!!

First picture of The Grim Reaper without the hooded cloak. Surprise???? It's a woman!!!!

Not a headline you see every day.

Police: Woman killed her infant, ate part of brain

Is this an isolated incident, or a sign of the impending Zombie Apocalypse?

If it's the former too bad she's 25 years too late for her dream date with Ed Gein. (see previous post) If it's the latter, I'm gonna have to keep my wits about me. I work in a funeral home, for God's sake.

Died on this date:

Bob Hope-Indisputable Legend-July 27, 2003 (Age 100)

What else can you say...Thanks for the Memories.

Another gym observation:

If you're a woman and you walk around with "Love Pink" written on the ass of your pants you will be in total agreement with every hetero man in the place.

Died on this date:

Nope, nothin' weird about this guy.

Ed Gein-Murderer, Grave Robber, Cannibal and Certified Maniac-July 26, 1984 (Age 77)

The real life inspiration for the movies, "Psycho", "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" and "The Silence of the Lambs." Ed killed two, dug up plenty more, skinned 'em, wore 'em and ate various parts of 'em. Died of a heart attack in, where else, the insane asylum.

Octomom + Jon & Kate = 22 kids headed for rehab.

Octomom: Crazy like a fecund fox or just shit nuts?

Ball busting bitch and pussy whipped loser in happier times.

This being the weekend I've been hitting the celebrity sites on the computer and perusing the gossip rags while Mrs. Funeral Guy unloads the cart at the market. (Hey...I helped fill it up!) The Gosselins seem to be winning most of the covers save one or two with that gay looking dude who's in some kind of teenage vampire movie or something. The Octomom scored big as a late entry on the gossip sites with the news that she has signed her kids into indentured servitude to some reality show to the tune of a quarter million bucks. Not surprising, since I assumed that was the plan for this balloon lipped Angelina Jolie wannabe famewhore since her litter was just a gleam in her eye. Hopefully, the California taxpayer will be the first in line with their hand out when the checks start coming.

Kate Gosselin, the harpy who makes every guy's penis retreat right up into his taint every time she opens her yap, has been keeping a somewhat low profile. The fun has been watching her sad sack doofus of a husband, Jon, chasing after young trim like a frat boy on spring break with an eight ball of coke and

a bottle of whiskey. Fame is a funny thing. You don't have to be the best looking guy in the world. You just have to be famous. But there is a hierarchy. Jeremy Piven (B-list movie actor) gets hot looking model types. Jon Gosselin (Z-list reality show person, soon to be saddled with child support payments the size of the national debt) gets this chick. Meet Hailey Glassman. As soon as she hooked up with the cut rate Valentino

pictures turned up on the internet of her smoking weed, bumping rails, skanking it up at boozy parties with bros and hos, and in one particular gem of a photo, passed out in a planter. The definition of a perfect stepmom-to-be.

After maybe having some second thoughts, Jon decided to step up a bit. This is Kate Major. I don't know about you, but I think she looks pretty good. But on the other hand is she something special? Average body from what I've seen but could probably lose a few pounds.

(I'm being extra picky here. Remember at some point this dude is going to get reamed like a new fish at Shawshank in his divorce from the ball breaker. If you're going to walk the plank at least make it worth your while) All I'm saying is you see girls walking down the street every day that are way better than this. Oh, and by the way, Kate was a reporter for the Star but was forced to resign because apparently even tabloids like the Star have rules about fucking the people that you're writing about. Nonplussed by this turn of events Kate has reportedly told friends that she doesn't really care because her main goal, like many of the Most Vacuous Generation, is that she just wants to be famous. This kind of celebrity might be cheap, but it still counts as the coin of the realm to the lazy and the untalented. And just to put one more dollop of icing on this sordid little cake there's a rumor that she used to be a call girl. (Maybe somebody can call former NY Governor Eliot Spitzer to confirm.) I bet you Kate G.'s lawyer is just salivating to put all this in front of a judge in Family Court.

Which brings us back to the kids. The cute little munchkins that are the source of fame and livelihood for both sets of these woefully dysfunctional parents. I know that child protective service agencies have taken some cautious toe-in-the-water looks at the pimping out of these kids for fame and money. But so far, to my knowledge, nothing has come of it and probably won't. If for no other reason that too many people are now making their living off the misery of these poor little tykes. Keep that in mind if your child ever gets taken away from you because he showed up for pre-school with a band aid on his forehead and the powers that be weren't satisfied with your explanation.

Random Sunday rants...

Does Obama wish he could scrape the Henry Louis Gates shit off of his shoe or is he too arrogant to notice the stink of this episode smells as bad as his health care plan?

Started going back to the gym and would like to say a few things.

First: GOD, I'M GETTING OLD AND FEELING IT!!!

Second: Ladies, if you are wearing tight, light colored gym shorts or pants eventually you will be walking around with sweaty camel toe. I'm not saying that's a bad thing depending on your level of attractiveness, but please be aware that all guys notice these things. (Except maybe homos.)

Third: Ladies (again), if you are elderly or even pre-elderly its great that you want to get into shape. However, if you insist on wearing shorts, please make sure they go to your ankles. ESPECIALLY if you are on machines that require you to lay down and move your legs.

Fourth: To all you young ultra buffed guys. I'm could be alone on this one but having no neck looks really weird to me. Maybe you should lighten up on the 'roids. Also, take a glance at us old guys once in a while. No matter how many hours you spend in the gym we are your future so ratchet down the rooster strutting.

Cars with more than two political bumper stickers on them are always driven by left wingers. Cars with more than four think Cuba has the best health care system in the world. And those with more than six should probably move to Cuba because at least in Cuba your car will look new.

Obama attempt to mau mau the cops backfires. Shit blowback ensues.

Biden told me if I purse my lips up real tight it's harder to get my foot in my mouth.

Our most brilliant president ever, put his toe in the apology pool, but decided to not get wet. This is what's known in Washington speak as "walking back your remarks."

I've suspected that the Gates question was a set up. A chance for Obama to play a little race card self righteousness on the cheap. Sorry, Baracky, major FAIL. You just found out that men that chase bad guys at high speeds and go into dark buildings with their guns drawn don't intimidate as easily as your average white liberal weenie.

On the upside. The "talking heads" will spend less time on the weekend shows criticizing your craptastic health care plan.

Another glorious day in the multicultural mosaic that is modern day America.

Here is a lovely story from Arizona. Four boys ages 9 to 14 ganged raped an 8 year old girl behind a shed for more than 10 minutes. Horrific enough, I suppose, considering the age of the participants, but I learned some time ago that people are capable of anything. Apparently, the 14 year old will be charged as an adult. Now as a father with daughters my first inclination would be to take my Sig Sauer 239; find these little shit rats and blow their balls off. I would then like to execute all of their parents for not teaching their little darlings that defiling 8 year old girls is an abominable crime. This is what I would want to do. I wouldn't. I trust our justice system for the most part. But I would roll it around in my head for awhile. So what is the reaction of this little girl's father? Well, he blames her and the whole family is shunning her. I would suspect most Americans are completely shocked by such a reaction. Therein lies the rub, you see. These folks are not Americans. They are Liberians and are still in thrall to the shame culture of the benighted country they came from. Here is a quote from the article:

"It's a shame-based culture, so the crime is not as important as protecting the family name and the name of the community," said Tony Weedor, a Liberian refugee in Littleton, Colo., and co-founder of the CenterPoint International Foundation, which helps Liberians resettle in the U.S.

I know this is a horrible xenophobic thing to say but, WHY IN THE HELL ARE WE LETTING BARBARIANS LIKE THIS INTO OUR COUNTRY!? First we have sharia law complete with honor killings and beheadings. Then Somalis with their stone age practice of clitoridectomy (which is the removal of the female clitoris for those of you too civilized to have even heard of this particular barbarity). And now we have the ultimate in blaming the victim.

Note to all immigrants: First, if you're coming here illegally. DON'T COME HERE!

Second, if for some reason The United States Department of Homeland Security/ICE in its bureaucratic stupidity grants you a visa to come to America to live, leave your barbaric, savage practices and beliefs in whatever third world shithole you just left. And NO that is not bigoted. If your home country was such a paradise you wouldn't have gone to the expense and hassle to leave it.

Third, get with the fucking program and assimilate ASAP. You CHOSE to be here. This is a wonderful country, but we have laws and our own way of doing things. If I came to your country of Craplandia I would do things the Craplandian way. Please return the favor.

And above all, remember this. We love and respect our wives and daughters here. We don't stick them in a burka. We don't stone them to death for owning an iPod and having a boyfriend. When they are assaulted we protect their honor and lawfully and harshly prosecute the perpetrators of such an outrage. And we certainly don't let grandma slice off their female parts with a kitchen knife in the name of purity.

We have lots of guns here Mr. Third World. I'm sure you wouldn't want a cockectomy performed on you with a 12 gauge.

Update: The perps are also Liberian. Nice community you got there.

Happy Belated Birthday To...

You know every guy is thinking, "Yeah, mine should just about fit."

That woman...Mizz Lewinsky, born July 23, 1973. Yes, that's right. Monica Lewinsky, the foxy little doxy that caught the roving eye of our second most sex crazed president, Bill Clinton. (Sorry, Slick Willy, top prize has got to go to the ever stoned and pathologically priapic John Fitzgerald Kennedy.)

Hard to believe that its been over 11 years since the scandal of the Presidential blow job broke wide open on the then barely known Drudge Report. The country was riveted for months with tales of sex, lies and cum stained dresses. Oh, it was all so horribly sordid. And - come on ya gotta admit it - more fun than a barrel of masturbating monkeys. I remember women not understanding how the president could be so reckless with somebody so declasse' (meaning not one of them). Maureen Dowd explained it all to them when she called Monica "the closest donut on the platter." And for the guys, near unanimous agreement with the thesis that a knob polish from somebody you didn't really care about was not sex and therefore did not count as cheating. Ah, good times, good times.

My dad used to tell me that the only thing keeping him alive was being able to wake up every morning to more Clinton shenanigans in the paper. Sho' nuff' he died 2 years into Bush 43.

I'd give anything to have Clinton back now. (Bill, I mean, NOT Hillary.) Much better a finger wagging, poll driven political whore who wouldn't ruin the country because it would reflect poorly on him, then that droning, self righteous, meglalomaniac true believer Obama, who's going to burn the place down in order to save it.

Get thee back to the White House, Monica, and work that magic. Your country needs you.

You're just stereotyping. This could have happened at an event honoring Yo Yo Ma.

Dis' be Trae

These stories of gunplay and "Rap" events are as predictable as the tides. I mean this really made me laugh on so many levels. (Bummer about the injuries, of course.) First of all, this guy is being "honored" by the Houston City Council. What is he being honored for, you may ask? Why it's his work with "at risk" youth, otherwise known as his fans. I wonder which of Trae's songs the city council played as the honors to his good works were bestowed.

Maybe, "Pimpin"?

[Hook]
Pimping these hoes
Nothing but a G, is all I expose
I've been pimping since, been pimping since, been pimping since
Been pimping since, been pimping these hoes
Pimping these hoes
Nothing but a G, is all I expose
I've been pimping since, been pimping since, been pimping chicks
They got no sense, I'm pimping these hoes

Or perhaps, "So Gangsta'"

(I'm so gangsta), it's time to put your ass
In a real nigga zone for a second, (I'm so gangsta)
Asshole by Nature, repping it for these motherfucking streets
(I'm so gangsta), from the South around this bitch
All pretty niggaz, get the fuck out of dodge (say homie I'm so gangsta)
Know I'm saying, G gon keep it G and the rest gon fade the fuck away

Or this from the tender love ballad, "It's Aight Bitch"

Now I'm feeling like Snoop, y'all bitches ain't shit
I'd like to give a special shout out, to that bopping bitch Michelle
On a hustle for the dick, and I dont think she plan to fail
I heard she 'pose to getting rich, at the rate she was going roaching for some ends
She went from sucking in a Altima, to fucking in a Benz
Damn I guess she getting it. and I ain't mad at her
But if you get inside my range, I'ma throw an empty can at ya broke bitch

How could it possibly get more uplifting for the "at risk" youth?

As always happens with these stories you have all the hand wringing about how terrible it is that something like this had to spoil such a positive community event. Gee, "at risk" youth all hyped up on bass thumping beats and odes to guns, hos, bitches, G's, and Niggaz this and Niggaz that and some people just have to go and wreck everything by shooting up the place. Whoda' thunk it? Thankfully, of the six people struck by bullets, no one received any life threatening injuries. The reason this happens a lot is that gangbangers who would rather look bad ass as opposed to actually working on their marksmanship, insist on holding their handguns sideways so they can't hit fuck all.

As Oscar Wilde once said, "You'd have to have a heart of stone not to laugh."

Hey, Henry Louis Gates, the next time you're a victim of a crime call Obama.

He's got a black cop in front of him and he's still making an asshole out of himself

I'm not going to post a link to the Henry Louis Gates story because it's everywhere. (OK, in case you've been in a coma for a couple of days here it is.) Even our Dear Leader B. Hussein Obama who seems to have an opinion on absolutely everything, had to throw in his two cents when asked about the incident at his press conference on Wednesday. First of all, Henry Louis Gates, like his Ivy League buddy, Cornell West, are nothing but "The Reverends" Sharpton and Jackson with Phd.'s after their names. I'll be even more plain. Picture race hustling, agenda driven, second rate academics whose only area of expertise is being black. (Just as an aside. For all those states with budget woes, I have a suggestion. At all state universities get rid of every department with the word "studies" in the name. Black, Latino, Gay, Transgendered, Women's the whole magilla. You may now thank me for the fortune you saved. You're welcome.) Back to the professor and the cop. What makes me think that Henry Louis Gates who spends his life looking for racism 24/7 was thinking, "Hot damn, got me a white cop I can make a major league stink about." Think about it. The cops get a call about a possible break in at his house. They show up and with very little call on his part - from everything I've read - he races zero to sixty and starts yelling and giving them a load of shit. He even throws a "Your mama" and a "You don't know who you're messin' with" into the mix. Imagine what he'd be screaming if his house did get broken into and the police decided it was a false alarm and deigned to show up. Racists!!!! Just sat there and let a black man get robbed.

God, this shit is getting soooooo tired. And our president, the chief law enforcement officer of the land, and as we are reminded ad nauseam by his acolytes, A Constitutional By God Law Professor (one title in a very thin resume) takes his friend's side in a matter that hasn't even been fully investigated.

Hey, Obama voters. How's all that post racial hope and change workin' out for ya?

Next thing you'll tell me is that the inventor of duct tape is dead.

John Barry-Unsung hero to homeowners everywhere. July 3, 2009 (Age 84)

John Barry, the man who moved WD-40 from the space program to the family home has died. The cause was listed as pulmonary fibrosis.

It is an American truism that most home repairs can be accomplished with a screwdriver, a roll of duct tape and a can of WD-40. This is the kind of story that can only happen in the United States, ladies and gentlemen, so be proud and read the whole thing.

Died on this date:

Uday and Qusay Hussein-Shitbag brothers. July 22, 2003 (Age 39 and 37 respectively)

Sons of the evil Saddam and complete psychopaths in their own right; these two sadistic bastards met their long overdue end in a hail of bullets administered by U. S. Troops at a house in Mosul, Iraq. Good riddance. I betcha Hell is even hotter than Iraq.

It is with great sadness that we announce the passing of another beloved celebrity.

It has been confirmed that Gidget the Taco Bell Chihuahua has passed away. Gidget brought joy to millions with her big eyed hunger for the spicy lunch of 2 tacos for 99 cents. She was 15 years old (73 in dog years). Vaya con Dios, Gidget. Ye shall be missed.

h/t Dlisted

I can't wait for the article about doing your own hemorrhoid surgery with toenail clippers and a roll of toilet paper.

Not everybody knows this but Michael Jackson had a home viewing.

Home burial, is it for you?

I see these articles from time to time. Actually, I have no objection to the concept of do-it-yourself funerals at all. (Small "l" libertarian that I am.) I have noticed that most of the datelines of these stories are from rural areas. In most places handling grandpa like the folks in the article is neither legal nor practical. Handling your own loved one will be for the "greenie" crowd only for some time to come no matter how bad the economy gets.

Death, for the most part, is not how it looks on TV. Dead people don't look like they're asleep. They look like they're dead. And they start to smell dead pretty quickly. Unless your loved one is a small to average sized person who died comfortably in bed dealing with them can be problematic. Dressing an unembalmed body isn't easy. Is the word "purge" self explanatory or would you like me to add more detail? And that's not counting the bowel movements a lot of us will leave when we shed the mortal coil. What do you do if Dad was a larger man and fell off the toilet and is wedged between it and the tub? How about if he had Esophageal cancer and in his last agonizing moments spewed a few pints of blood as he reeled around the room? Bedroom on the second floor with a small 90 degree landing in the middle of the stairway? Pretty tricky, I can assure you.

And that's even before you get to the permitting process. I wish anyone without the expertise to maneuver the California death bureaucracy lotsa luck in getting their burial permit before grandma starts to get over ripe.

More power to the hale and hearty folk in our rural areas. Doing this kind of homespun death service for your loved one is commendable and meaningful. But don't kid yourself. As the article makes clear, it's not for everyone.

Economy in a tailspin...women, minorities and the deceased affected most.

Don't worry about me. It's not like I'm going anywhere.

It appears that the bad economy is preventing a proper disposition of some of our citizenry. I for one blame George Bush.

Here is the story from my local fish wrap the Los Angeles Times:

Some of the money figures I might quibble with but where we are (middle t0 upper middle class) we might be a little higher than mortuaries in the story. Prices for cremations and burials can vary widely so shop around.

I know that some people have a definite hardship and most funeral homes will work with you to some extent. However, there are people out there who definitely have the attitude of "Hey, I'm grieving here. Somebody has to pay." I've had families who have cried poor mouth until I cut everything to the bone. Come the night of the visitation I can't get out of the lot because it's overflowing with Lexuses, BMW's, Mercedes, and Hummers. Come on, folks. If you're the kind of person who treats himself to a weekend in Vegas for his birthday, don't you think that maybe you should pony up for a decent funeral for your dad or mom? Everybody has this notion that the funeral home stays in business by preying on the emotions of the bereaved. For the most part, I've found that it usually works the other way around. Yeah, it's a business, but we are willing to go out of our way to help you in your time of need. Try not to take advantage of the fact that we are human too. And don't take it out on the taxpayer either. Cremations aren't that expensive. If you somehow found the bank for a large screen plasma TV you can probably afford one. It's the right thing to do.

Died on this date:

Vince Foster-Father of a thousand conspiracy theories. July 20, 1993 (Age 48)

Clinton White House consigliere, alleged paramour of Hillary Clinton and alleged disposer of thousands of Clinton murder victims, Vince Foster was found on July 20, 1993 in Ft. Marcy Park, dead from a gunshot wound to the mouth. Oceans of ink have been spilled over the fuckery of the Clinton years - Mena airport, Travelgate, Filegate, bimbo eruptions, ad infinitum. My personal theory is that one day he realized through his Trazadone stupor, that yes, he had been having sexual relations with that woman, Mizz Hillary. This sudden awareness was, as it would be for any man, too much, and he blew his brains out. Frankly, any more thinking on the subject of the Clinton years gives me a migraine of biblical proportions. So I have decided to (to coin a phrase) Move On.

Bruce Lee-Karate Guy/Actor. July 20, 1973 (Age 32)

Bruce Lee popularized the "Choppy Socky" flick and inspired to this day generations of boys to fling themselves about, kicking over mom's knick-knacks while making screeching chicken noises and fierce looking faces. A seemingly perfect physical specimen; Bruce Lee keeled over and died for no discernible reason. Leading, of course, to a million conspiracy theories involving Chinese Triads, Yakuza, Mafia and myriad other shadowy figures who supposedly wanted him dead. Hey, maybe.

Jim Fixx-Runner. July 20, 1984 (Age 52)

The guy who made a fortune re-inventing as a sport something our ancestors started the first time they saw a saber-toothed tiger. Running. He's the one responsible for those little nylon running shorts. Think Farrah Fawcett (HOT!!!!!) or Richard Simmons (GAY!!!!!!) I think he (along with Michael Jordan) can take the blame for $600 athletic footwear. Anyway, Jim Fixx, a man with about 2% body fat dropped dead of a heart attack after one of his runs. Giving couch potatoes everywhere the last laugh and an unanswerable retort when the wife tells you to get your fat ass out of the lazy boy and get some exercise. "Wadda 'ya want me to do? Have a heart attack?"

This just in...Sad news.

Frank McCourt-Author. (Age 78) August 19, 1930-July 19, 2009

If you've never read Angela's Ashes go get it tomorrow and read it immediately. Funny and heartbreaking. A classic of Irish-American memoirs.

The Irish Blessing

May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind always be at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
and rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

Rest in Peace, Mr. McCourt.

Just in case you needed further proof that Janeane Garofalo is completely deranged.

This from a Saturday interview with BBC Radio:

[T]he media in the States is much more to the right. I mean there is almost no liberal outlet for news commentary or editorializing."

She looks kind of cute when she's not pushing a shopping cart with her tinfoil hat on her head.

h/t Newsbusters

This is what you get when the Religion of Peace controls your country.

I thought I was beyond shock at what these people are capable of. If this doesn't turn your stomach pull the blanket over your head and go back to sleep. (I'm talking to you too, Barack.)

The interviewee is a member of the paramilitary Basiji militia in Iran. Here is the link and part of his story:

He said he had been a highly regarded member of the force, and had so "impressed my superiors" that, at 18, "I was given the 'honor' to temporarily marry young girls before they were sentenced to death."

In the Islamic Republic it is illegal to execute a young woman, regardless of her crime, if she is a virgin, he explained. Therefore a "wedding" ceremony is conducted the night before the execution: The young girl is forced to have sexual intercourse with a prison guard - essentially raped by her "husband."

"I regret that, even though the marriages were legal," he said.

Why the regret, if the marriages were "legal?"

"Because," he went on, "I could tell that the girls were more afraid of their 'wedding' night than of the execution that awaited them in the morning. And they would always fight back, so we would have to put sleeping pills in their food. By morning the girls would have an empty expression; it seemed like they were ready or wanted to die.

"I remember hearing them cry and scream after [the rape] was over," he said. "I will never forget how this one girl clawed at her own face and neck with her finger nails afterwards. She had deep scratches all over her."

Amazing how when some religious leaders hear the voice of God - Jim Jones, David Koresh, Joseph Smith, Mohammed - the voice is always giving them the Divine Right to their choice of young, nubile women to do with them as they will. Underage? No problem. Multiple wives? Yeah, baby. Rape, kill, cast aside? Whatever. And where is the western sisterhood on this one? Probably beating the bushes looking for that man who is making ten cents an hour over the similarly employed woman, that's where.

Disgusting.

h/t Mark Styen at The Corner

Died on this date:

Wow, big day in celebrity death!

Bobby Fuller-Musician/Songwriter. July 18, 1966 (age 23)

Suicide or Murder most foul? Without this little bit of mystery Bobby Fuller would be an even smaller footnote in 60's folk-pop one hit wonderness. "I Fought the Law and the Law Won" was a cool little song (written by Bobby) that made us feel groovy in swingin' 1966. Unfortunately Bobby was unable to enjoy the fruits of his success as he was found dead in his car of a gunshot wound shortly after topping the charts. While officially ruled a suicide, a badly botched investigation led to the inevitable rumors of murder. We'll never know until we meet Bobby in the afterlife. Then we can ask him.

Nico-Singer. July 18, 1988 (Age 49)

One of the many marginal talents of the Andy Warhol Factory scene in the (here we go again) Swingin' 60's. Actress, model, German nihilist (is there any other kind?) , singer, hanger on, star-fucker and raging heroin addict, Nico was the good looking one in The Velvet Underground. Personally, I was never that into the whole underground thing, having early on fallen in love with Buddy Holly, The Everly Brothers, and The Beatles. I was always more drawn to melody than droning attitude. I know many will differ. As to Nico's singing I recently listened to her probably best know album "Chelsea Girl" and I have to admit I found it rather compelling in a sort of offhand mediocre singer kind of way. On this album anyway there's a certain winsomeness to her pitchy weird vocals. Worth a listen. Death came from a fall off a bicycle after a minor heart attack. After she was found unconscious she was misdiagnosed with heat stroke and subsequently died. A postmortem x-ray revealed a cerebral hemorrhage as the cause of death.

Rebecca Schaeffer-Actress. July 18, 1988 (Age 21)

Budding young actress Rebecca Shaeffer's enduring legacy will be that she brought the concept of the "stalker" into the national lexicon. Rebecca was shot point blank in the chest when she answered the door to Robert John Bardo a sad sack psycho loser who had been writing her fan letters. When these demented missives failed to win Rebecca' s heart Robert John naturally felt dissed and obtained her address by paying a Tucson private dick $250 to get her address through the California DMV records. (And you thought those DMV people just sat around all day with their thumbs up their ass. Your tax dollars at work!) The one thing I always found interesting about this case besides the totally loony stalker name of Robert John Bardo was that nobody was ever found that said, " Oh, Bob? Gee, he seemed like such a normal guy, I never would have thought that he would do something like this." No. Robert John Bardo was shit nuts and looked it. After Schaeffer's murder laws were changed to tighten up the privacy procedures at the DMV. Who knew that giving out your personal information was their one area of efficiency? Rest in Peace, Rebecca. The celebrities of the world breathe a little easier today because of you.

Mary Jo Kopechne-Woman with shitty taste in men. July 18, 1969 (Age 28)

The world owes a debt of gratitude to Miss Kopechne for exposing to any sentient being that Edward "Ted" Kennedy was and is a cowardly, lying, sniveling, self-serving, whoremongering large economy sized sack of dog shit. Please note that when I say sentient being this does not apply to the media who insist on referring to this bloviating crap weasel as the "liberal lion of the Senate." I swear I threw up in my mouth just writing that. Let's have a capsule recap, shall we? On the night of July 18, 1969 Mary Jo foolishly accepts a ride home from Senator Me-So-Horny. He then makes a wrong turn and crashes through a guardrail and the car, the Senator, and Mary Jo all end up in the murky lagoon. Senator Ted does his best impression of Michael Phelps and swims to safety while Mary Jo fights for air in a rapidly contracting air pocket. A very confused Senator Bump-on-the-Head feels that the best thing he can do for his unfortunate innocent passenger is to call his political aides instead of the police or paramedics. The good Senator and his brain trust are still trying to figure out who to alert to maybe save Miss Whatshername when her drowned corpse is discovered in the car at dawn's early light. (I think drowning would be one of the worst ways to go, don't you?) Two weeks later Kennedy pleads guilty to leaving the scene of an accident after causing injury and is lightly bitch slapped with a two month suspended sentence. Senator Ted went on TV that very night and claimed that he was neither intoxicated nor involved extramaritally with Miss Kopechne. (How 'bout them apples? A sober, non-cheating Kennedy male in close proximity to a hot blonde. Not drunk, not involved. No way, no sir, no how. Next up...A leprechaun riding a unicorn!!!) After some tepid huffing from the media about power and privilege and money and what happened to Camelot and yada yada yada, our boyish hero, Senator Butter-Wouldn't-Melt-in-My-Mouth, blithely goes about his life as liberal lion and poor Mary Jo gets her trip to the graveyard in a hearse. Now that Ted has his own eternity to contemplate (hope that brain tumor REALLY hurts, Teddy me boy) I wonder if in the dark nights of his soul he thinks about what it will be like to finally come face to face with long dead and long forgotten Mary Jo Nobody. But you know what? I wouldn't worry too much about that one, Senator. Something tells me you're gonna be on the down escalator.

Henry William Allingham-No longer the world's oldest living man. July 18, 2009 (Age 113)

Nothing snarky to say. Seemed like a decent chap with an amazing life. Died of....are you kidding me?

Funeral biz gossip that I hear...but you didn't hear it from me.

Michael Jackson was not, never was, and is not now in that fancy ass casket of his.

Died on this date:

Walter Cronkite-Pompous Television News Reader July 17, 2009 (Age 92)

Walter Cronkite, who daily read The New York Times to millions of American viewers on the CBS News died today of what I would presume to be a combination of the many ills that will befall most of us if we make it past the average male expiration date of 75.29 years. Walter became famous as he spoon fed the country conventional NY-Beltway liberal wisdom from 1962 until his retirement in 1981. Part of his success was surely due to the fact that at the time your choice of news voices was a grand total of three. He somehow earned the sobriquet "the most trusted man in America." I don't think I ever heard him humbly decline the honor. He cried when he announced the death of President John F. Kennedy. Oh, how they loved Camelot in those days. I'll grant that he did a pretty good job telling us what we were seeing with our own eyes during the first moon walk. (That's not Michael Jackson's moonwalk for you young whippersnappers out there.) And yes, the "newsman" did editorial pieces. He crapped on the Vietnam War and that was the end of that. Lyndon Johnson reportedly said, "If I've lost Cronkite, I've lost middle America." Right or wrong, not exactly the best way to determine national security policy, in my view. Walt retired before the explosion of cable news and the internet, when finally conservative ideas could get a fairer shake. If Cronkite had come along in 1992 instead of 1962 I suspect he would have been just another Katie Couric with a mustache.

The Gates of Heaven Have Opened...

And they are all filtering through the funeral home where I work. That is the reason for the light posting. Big service tomorrow also. 100 degrees in a cemetery dressed in a black suit. My favorite time of year.

Died on this date:

John F. Kennedy, Jr.-Publisher July 16, 1999 (at Age 38)

John F. Kennedy, Jr. was so associated with politics that I'm sure some people thought that he must have been elected to something at sometime or other. But he wasn't. His father John F. Kennedy, Sr. was the most priapic president in the nation's history, though Bill Clinton gave him a good run for his money. The apple didn't fall too far from the tree as John-John had a pretty good reputation of his own when it came to knocking boots with celebrity babes. His demise came because he thought he was a better pilot than he was and he crashed into Davy Jones Locker on the way to Martha's Vineyard 10 years ago today. Unfortunately, his wife and sister-in-law were also the victims of his shortcomings as an aviator.

Jo Stafford-Singer July 16, 2008 (at Age 90)

I'm pretty sure my parents knew who she was and they probably liked her singing a lot.

Once you're put in the ground, it's better to just stay there.

I've only had to be present at a few disinterments. One was a guy who had been in the ground for a little over thirty years. Car accident at about 25 . The casket was metal, rubber gasketing, and encased in a nice high quality vault. He was mummified, with a mold on his lower face like a white beard. He looked not that worse for wear except he was somewhat out of style in his disco suit with the bell bottom pants. Another was a little boy about 6 years old. Death in the the early 60's. Mummified, just a little bit of mold. He was wearing a little cowboy suit, with 2 holstered plastic six shooters. I had the same get-up when I was a kid in the 50's. Made me sad. The worst was a couple who were being disinterred for cremation so they could be moved to another cemetery up north. One was buried in the early '80's, the other a few years later. Well, the ground must have shifted because the vault top was broken on the dad's plot and the casket top was badly compromised. There was water in the casket and the corpse looked worse than the guy on Tales of the Crypt. The smell was beyond description. Literally seconds after disinterment the area was invaded with thousands of flies. As the van drove to the crematory a huge black cloud of insects followed the whole way. The van stunk for 2 years.

Here are the disinterments of some famous folks.

Died on this date:

Gianna Versace-Fashion Designer 07/15/1997 (Age 50)

Murdered in front of his house by serial killer Andrew Cunanan who then shot himself 8 days later. This event had the world riveted at the time. Here is a good piece for those who may not remember.

I'd like to screw your doggy, but I'm in sex rehab...Oh, OK, we can call it part of the act.

This dapper gentleman is Russell Brand, British yob comedian and self professed ex-heroin and sex addict. (Why do horny people insist on calling themselves sex addicts, by the way?) He's been chosen to host the MTV Video Music Awards in September. Russell is feeling "joyful twitches" that he is the first host to repeat the honor. You may remember his performance from last year. Very controversial. And brave in the extreme. Can you believe that he actually stood on a stage, in front of Hollywood celebrities, and called George W. Bush a "retarded cowboy"? Whoa, Russell, watch out for those flying rotten vegetables, Mate. Then with steely spined fortitude he called on the assembled to vote for Barack Obama, made fun of Sarah Palin, her pregnant daughter, Republicans and the Jonas Brothers whose crime is promoting purity, apparently. Edgy stuff and very, very brave.

This year he's thinking of "having live sex with barnyard animals onstage", but outside of that promises a less controversial show than last year. So besides the always hilarious bestiality routine what surprises can we expect in the comedy stylings of Russell Brand at this years show? Jokes about Obama? (Uhh, don't think we wanna go there.) Sex jokes about Michelle or the presidential daughters? (Blimey, are you crazy, dude?) How about the Washington power structure? (Oh shit, it's the Democrats that are fucking up the works now, Sunny Jim, and Republican jokes are staler than a week old crumpet for a cutting edge bloke like you, Russ.)

So may I suggest you take some Viagra before your "comedy gold" bovine boning, Guv'nor. You're going to want your humping to have some staying power 'cause it looks like your usual act might be running a bit short. Timewise, ya know.

I'll start shopping for a condolence card tomorrow.

Kim Jong-Il, beloved "Dear Leader" of North Korea apparently has pancreatic cancer. This means he will be toast within six months or so. From what I hear this will put a lot of whores out of work. I hope he enjoys the hot sand and molten lava enemas that the Prince of Darkness will pack up his sorry ass every day for all eternity.

Maybe he can tuck Castro and Bin Laden under each arm when he goes.

Greetings...

To all who are visiting via GoodShit. Hope you like The Funeral Guy blog. To my other readers you can click on the GoodShit site from this blog (links are on the right under Favorite Blogs). GoodShit is run by my e-mail buddy Fred Lapides who has got to be the hardest working man on the web. GoodShit is the first place I go every morning. It's like a newspaper. Only interesting. And, oh yeah, with tons of artsy pictures of beautiful naked women. Not porn. Artsy. The kind you can explain to your wife. Maybe not your boss, but your wife. Fred is a man of eclectic interests and provides the most amazing links. Photography, the arts, music, science, all sorts of stuff. Truly, you can get lost in GoodShit for hours.

When I'm done trashing your music I want all you kids TO GET THE HELL OFF OF MY LAWN!!!!

Lady GaGa, Katy Perry and Adam Lambert. Who are they? Why should you care? Because they represent the new theatricality in popular music, that's why. So sayeth my Sunday LA Times Calendar this morning. Now this article was way long so I really only skimmed the damned thing. (Actually, I was kind of constipated this AM so I read even less of the paper than I normally do. The LA Times gets crapper time only.) So anyway I'm reading this and thinking, "Who doesn't do this kind of act these days?" Every TV show with music that I see, with the notable exception of Palladia, is the same make your head explode crap. Madonna, Britney, Beyonce, Gwen, Christina. You know who you are. Am I having a fucking nightmare on a cruise ship crossing the River Styx? Or is Dante's Ninth Circle one endless Vegas showroom after another with each one presenting a slightly different version of the musical revue, Boy-lesque!! Dancers, dancers, dancers. Spectacle, spectacle, spectacle. Totally forgettable, interchangeable synthesized music with lots of back up singers. Well, maybe the backup singers are singing, but the star is lip syncing because she's too busy DANCING!!!!!!!

Whatever happened to 4 or 5 guys with guitars and a drummer that's bashing the shit out of his kit? Minimal stage set. Maybe a backdrop logo and a couple of explosions here and there. (Don't want to get rid of all the bombast.) I know there are good bands out there. But you know they aren't the ones bringing in the big money. The aforementioned Palladia has some really good HD concerts and they're not all just the usual rock dinosaurs. (Ironically, Palladia is part of the MTV networks. You know MTV. Once upon a time they invented music television but they now specialize in puerile 20-something "reality" shows featuring the worst examples of Downfall of Western Civilization skankitude that you're ever likely to see.)

I know it's a different time, but when I see these kids on American Idol nodding like bobble heads while taking a bunch of crap from that judging panel of schlockmeisters, I just want to give them a shake and tell them, "Get your ass in a van, travel around the country, sing in front of as many people as you can, come back in a couple of years and knock us dead."

That's just a dream though. I know the drill these days. Have a cute face. Sing as many notes as you can. Do a little dance. And maybe Simon Cowell will tell you that you don't suck.

I think I'll go listen to some Led Zeppelin and pretend that my head is three feet from Bonham's bass drum.

My last word on Bootygate

Well, I would imagine that Obama's Bootygate has probably run its course. I'm guessing Michelle will score another $6000 purse out of it. (Have you ever seen her pissed off face? I have, but I wouldn't want to see it in person.)

The media coverage of this has been extremely amusing, especially the always amusing and totally-in-the-Obama-tank MSNBC. The other day David Schuster and some broad whose name I didn't catch were running the footage of The Bama ass checking like it was the Zapruder film. "See...see...see...he was helping that lady down the stairs. See here, his head goes in that direction, that along with an unusual camera angle, and that's it. It's really very clear when you break it all down."

Let me tell 'ya something, honey. Guys have a million different contrivances to hide a down peek on a scoop top or a glancing upskirt so they won't be caught. Such as the "I'm Just Looking At This Thing On The Sales Counter" gambit or "The Stutter Step Hesitation So The Chick In The Short Skirt Can Be On The Escalator About Seven Steps In Front Of Me" strategy. There are many more in the arsenal, believe me.

Ladies, I'm going to tell you two things you need to know about this kind of stuff. One. There is a reason why sunglasses were invented. And two. Sunglasses were invented by a man.

You can look it up.

Random Sunday rants 'cause I'm too lazy for anything else.

Can anyone listen to Nancy Pelosi for 5 seconds and not be horrified that she is next in line for the presidency after Biden?

Watched a little bit of "Dead Calm" last night. Nicole Kidman is in it and she has a nude scene. She was as un-sexy at 22 as she is at 42. Feh.

There was comment on Fox New Sunday about how the Obama administration was supposed to be the smartest ever, the most educated, gonna fix everything, blah...blah...blah. It just goes to prove that you can be a total genius but if you believe stupid things (i.e. Socialism) your solutions are going to be stupid.

Off to Wal-Mart for new shoes and a book on handgun safety.

.45 Caliber...Little hole going in...

Big hole coming out.
Luckily this nominee for the Darwin Awards didn't have it pointed at his pointy little head.

Or......maybe he and the missus were indulging in a little "Dirty Cowboy." Hmmmmmm??

(See below)

Hey, Mrs. Funeral Guy, wanna fool around later?

A Houston woman shot her common law husband during sex play that they had apparently dubbed the "Dirty Cowboy." No details as to what the "Dirty Cowboy" includes beyond the obvious use of the firearm, but my imagination is pretty good. How's yours? My scenario would entail a saloon girl outfit, the gun and some spurs at the very least. Hey, we all gotta go. Guess this is as good a way as any.

Story is here complete with weepy mug shot.

I just happen to have a .45 LC Ruger Vaquero in the gun safe. You can bet I will unload it...ahh...before I unload, that is.

"I for one welcome my new Obaman overlords..."

This is just one more thing to creep me out about Obamamania:

I'm sure they just replaced the George W. Bush shop with this one. (Location is Union Station, Washington, D.C.)

h/t Cato

Notable Deaths on this date.

Alexander Hamiliton-Revered founding father 07/11/1804

George Gershwin-Noted composer 07/11/1937

Laurence Olivier-World renowned actor 07/11/1989

Seven/eleven. Lucky day for a trip to Vegas. Lucky for these guys? Not so much.

The next photo of Obama he'll be right in front of the pole at the Bada Bing.

Our president scoping out more ass with his favorite wingman.

In fairness, I don't know if this is photoshopped but I don't care. A president caught checking chick booty is always funny.

John Mellencamp...Celebrity Douche

This is from an interview John Mellencamp gave to Country Music Television:

“I don’t think people fought and gave their lives so that some guy can sit in his bedroom and be mean. I don’t think that’s what freedom of speech is,” he continued. “Freedom of speech is really about assembly — for us to collectively have an idea. We want to get our point of view out so we can assemble and I can appoint you to be the spokesman. That’s freedom of speech — to be able to collectively speak for a sector of people. But somehow it’s turned into ‘I can be an a****** whenever I feel like, say whatever I like, be disrespectful to people and not be courteous.’ It’s not good for our society. Not being courteous is not really freedom of speech. …

Now I have a reason to dislike John Mellencamp for something besides his horribly crappy music.

Gee, John, maybe I don't want to go and have a meeting with a bunch of people and decide on an opinion, then appoint a spokesman (ooops, sorry, spokesperson) to convey my then watered down opinion to the media, or the congress or the president. Sometimes I wanna sit in my bedroom all mad and shit and blow a bunch of steam out of my ass about how Obama and the administration are running the country down the toilet. And you know what else, John? There's a lot of times that I don't feel like being "courteous". And maybe I want to be an asshole. You know why? Cause I can that's why. Cause I'm an American citizen that's why.

Kind of like what I'm doing now. Whew...I feel so much better.

Death, taxes...and more taxes.

I just heard this one on the way home from work. Granted it was in a commercial and I couldn't find any specific story by Googling so take this for what its worth. In its never ending quest for fiscal sanity by doing completely insane things, the State of California as is its wont is looking for new things to tax. Apparently enough businesses haven't been driven out of the state so the next scheme is to add certain services that would be subject to the sales tax. Already one of the highest in the nation, mind you. One of these services, again according to the commercial, would be...TA DA!!! funeral services. Now, if you are a family of traditionalist bent and want to bury Grandma as opposed to burning her back to her carbon bottom line this could, depending on the funeral home, add another $300.00 to $500.00 dollars to your (as we like to call them) final expenses. Geez. People already think a funeral should cost a thousand bucks tops. Now we're going to have to explain this?

The one thing I won't fault Obama for...

Checking out the hot ass at the G8.

Update #1

I wonder what Sarkozy is thinking? "Ooo la la. I wonder how she would feel about menage a trois wiz Carla and me? We french invented that you know along wiz ze blow job and ze tongue kizzing. Top zat, Barack."

Update #2

Kirsten Powers on the Hannity show tried to spin that Obama was probably just looking at something on the ground. Holy shit! I know women are clueless about how men really think, but she can't be serious, can she?

The reason the funeral business has a shady reputation.

These pop up from time to time. Reselling plots. A time honored tradition in the cemetery business. Read it here:

I feel awful for the African-American victims of this despicable act. Grave desecration for cash is about as low as you can get. However, I must admit that I'm relieved to see that the perpetrators were apparently also black. (You know how I know? The race of the accused isn't specifically mentioned, although the cemetery director is African-American. It's like when Democrat politicians get in trouble and you have to search the story in vain for their party affiliation. If it turns out I'm wrong on this I will, of course, correct this post.)

Anyway, it looks like for now the "Reverend" Al Sharpton can continue his ministering to the Jackson family uninterrupted.

Update: All arrested are African-American. Scumbags come in all colors, folks. The point of this post is that unfortunately in this day and age if the perpetrators had been white, the "Hate Crime" lobby would have been out in force. Just sayin'.

Michael Jackson RIP...Finally...(We can but hope.)

We watched the CNN internet feed intermittently at work today. (You know, the place where real families go to arrange real funerals for their loved ones.) As memorial services go I guess I would sum it up thusly: it wasn't as horribly inappropriate as I thought it was going to be. I mean the guy was once the biggest star on the planet, a lot of people admired him for whatever reason (talent, weirdness or both), so something on this scale was bound to be inevitable. The only real sour note was, no surprise, the "Reverend" Al Sharpton who tried his darndest to make his racialist shtick appropriate to the occasion. Note to Al: Save it for your next appearance at Freddy's Fashion Mart.

Maybe there's something wrong with me but I've never understood the passionate grieving for celebrities that you don't know personally. I didn't get the Princess Di thing, and I don't get this. Look. I loved The Beatles. I love rock music. When John Lennon was shot dead I went into a momentary "what the fuck?" kind of shock then moved on. What I didn't do was get on a plane, fly to New York and hang around Central Park with a candle in my hand. I saw on the news a couple of Brits who crossed the pond with little or no money just to be at Staples Center. Unbelievable. (What the hell is wrong with British people, by the way? They went from stiff upper lip, to quivering, sobbing gobs of goo in a little over a generation. Over celebrities! God help us. )

The media through the last week and a half did not disappoint. They were stupid, fawning, repetitive, over the top, maudlin and self important. The low bar for bread and circus dumbness just got set a little lower for the next celebrity drug casualty. Not too worry though, by tomorrow I'm sure they'll be back to not covering the disaster of Obama's foreign policy, the not so stimulative stimulus, and how the congress and the administration are spending us into a bottomless pit. But if you're one of those folks who are too bored to pay attention to that kind of news, I'm sure Greta Van Susteren and Nancy Grace will keep picking over the bones of Michael's decaying corpse for a few more weeks until some other celeb croaks or a hot looking blonde coed goes missing.

Countdown....

To the Michael Jackson funeral/memorial/circus/freak show. I should have more comments after it's over but I can predict one adjective you won't be hearing in the media tomorrow... dignified. The least we can hope for is that there actually will be a burial. If you'll recall a few years back they left poor ol' James Brown above ground for almost 4 months while different factions (mostly the women that were the Godfather of Soul's non musical legacy and a tribute to his highly charged love life) mined him for DNA and a claim to his cash. While the fight over Michael Jackson's estate may go on for decades I doubt there will be many credible groupie paternity lawsuits against the King of Pop.