It's either this or I gotta lay off some elves and possibly Rudolph.

Headline: 

"Bearded" Bank Robber Sought In Delaware County.

A dude in a fake Santa Claus beard got away with an undisclosed amount of cash in Media, PA on Friday. No red suit.  Just a sweatshirt and sweat pants.  Kris Kringle hits hard times.  I blame the bad economy which is, of course, the fault of George Bush.

Santa Claus, desperate as a junkie with a jones, 

brandishes a silver revolver.

Maybe it's just my memory playing tricks on me, but don't we have one of these "Bad Santa" criminals every Christmas?

h/t Drudge

Died on this date:

Richard Franklin Speck

Mass Murderer

Dec. 6, 1941-Dec. 5, 1991

(Age 49)

On the night of July 13, 1966 Richard Speck, a drunken, pill-popping, criminal loser entered a dormitory for student nurses in the Jeffrey Manor neighborhood of Chicago.  Holding eight girls hostage he systematically led them one by one into another room where he either strangled or stabbed them to death.  The last victim was also raped before being strangled.  One nurse escaped death by hiding under the bed.  After a half hearted suicide attempt, Speck was arrested, tried and sentenced to death.  In 1971 when the United States Supreme Court briefly found the death penalty unconstitutional Speck was spared and re-sentenced to 400-1200 years in prison.

What makes the Richard Speck case even more bizarre is the prison video that surfaced in 1996 five years after his death.  The video, which was played before the Illinois State Legislature during arguments for the death penalty, showed Speck with hormonally enhanced breasts, sitting around in silk underpants,  snorting coke with another prisoner, while laughing about his crimes.  Then, just to put the icing on this perverted little cake, Speck gives the other prisoner a blow job.

From a heart attack.

Wikipedia has an extensive overview of Speck's life and crimes.  This was one sick puppy.

Here is the video.  The weird stuff starts at around 2:08.  Don't worry, they spare you the blow job.

A man who will never have the nickname "Lucky".

I always thought that Asians were aces at math, but by all accounts Terrance Watanabe was sleeping on his desk when they taught that alcohol plus a gambling addiction multiplied by pain medications equals a 127 million dollar debt and a shitload of trouble.

Terrance Watanabe.

Monumental Dumbass. 

Terrance is what is known in the gambling industry as a whale.  A whale is defined as a shitty gambler with a lot of money to drop at the tables.  Watanabe got comped to rooms, private jets, meals, and personal assistants (which I'm assuming means whores).  By keeping Watanabe at the tables, Caesar's Palace and the Rio beat Terrance out of a cool 127 million.  An astonishing 5.6% of the casinos total take in 2007.  How did Mr. Watanabe get the kind of money for this kind of lifestyle?  He took over his family's novelty business and made quite the success of it, that's how.  The novelty business.  You know all those cheap-o plastic trinkets that your kid brings home from the elementary school fair?  He sells that stuff.  My daughter is in college and I swear I'm still finding those little black and orange spiders in the house.

Las Vegas takes their money very seriously and Harrah's Corp. has filed four felony counts against Watanabe for theft and intent to defraud for 14.7 million in credit that he refuses to pay back.  So instead of manning up and figuring out a way to pay what he owes what does Terrance do?  He files a lawsuit against the casinos claiming he was plied with alcohol and encouraged in his compulsive gambling.  Of course he does, it's the American Way.  I'm not responsible says Mr. Watanabe, somebody else must pay.  Would it surprise you to find out that he is a big donor to the Democratic National Committee?  Nope, me neither.

Terrance Watanabe is a whining piece of shit and a deadbeat.  I don't care if he was given hand jobs at the blackjack table by the most beautiful chick in Vegas to encourage him to throw all his money away.  He chose to walk into the casino.  He chose to drink to excess.  He chose to accept all of the perks that the high rollers get.  And ultimately he chose to piss his money down the Las Vegas toilet.  I don't think anyone has ever successfully won one of these "I didn't know what I was doing" cases.  Watanabe isn't going to be the first.

For some strange reason, gambling is the one and only vice that passed me by.  I never could understand throwing good money away that could be better spent on broads, whiskey and blow.

Music world stunned as Rolling Stones guitarist has trouble in his storybook romance with new girlfriend.

Ekaterina Ivanova.  

Ah, to be a rock star.  

Even a one foot in the grave rock star.

No wonder Ronnie's last name is Wood.

Ronnie Wood, 62,  the second most decrepit looking member of the Rolling Stones has found himself in the tabs and not in a good way.  The good news for Ronnie is that he's been throwing the viagra enhanced bone to a hot little 20 year-old Russian girlfriend by the name of Ekaterina Ivanova.  The bad news is that she apparently has trouble understanding the dynamics of being with a rock legend so Ronnie had to strangle her out in the street and drag her around by the hair.  The Bobbies came and took Ron away to the chokey (so to speak).

Ekaterina has been boo-hooing to friends that Ronnie has told her to pack her shit and get out.  What a choice.  Bang a cadaverous guitarist or hie thee back to the deprivations of Ol' Mother Russia.

No word about what the fight was all about but considering Ronnie's constant bouts with alcohol it's possible he became inflamed with jealousy after hallucinating that Ekaterina was having an orgy with a roomful of pink elephants.

Ron and Ekaterina in happier (and probably more sober) times.

Ron sure gets around.

Here he is kissing Katy Perry.  Hubba hubba.

Quit bitching. They could have chopped his feet off to make him fit.

Finally.  A funeral home story after nothing but sex, porn and Tiger Woods.  Gatling's Chapel is being sued by a family who claims the funeral home wouldn't re-adjust their loved one's body in his casket because it was not purchased at the funeral home.  See, we have ways to keep you away from those Costco caskets.  I love this quote from the brother-in-law.  "They had him tilted up like he was a guy driving a car."  Ha ha.

Who knows what the hell went on here.  If a guy is too tall you bend the knees up after embalming so he's a little shorter in the casket.  Think of embalming like Jello.  It will set in the position you put it in.  Nobody sees the deceased from the waist down anyway unless the casket is full-couch like Michael Jackson's or James Brown's casket.  (Do you really think we put shoes on if we don't have to)  But these are somewhat out of fashion, favored mostly by some African-Americans or old Italian mobsters.  

Here is my favorite visitation picture.

Meet Angel Pantoja Medina.  

Yes, he be dead, but still standing tall for his homies.

In other funeral news.  Okamoni Fa, a 400 lb. man missed a family funeral because the airline didn't have two seats available on a crowded Thanksgiving week flight.  As a person who recently spent 11 hours on two flights my sympathy level for Mr. Fa is pretty low.  Airline seats are torture enough these days.  I sure wouldn't want to be wedged up against Okamoni's jiggly flesh for 10 minutes much less a few hours.  Gross.  Advice to Mr. Fa.  You might want to think about dropping a couple of hundred pounds or the next funeral you'll be attending will be your own.  

As I predicted on Monday:

Here is the hand-wringing op-ed from the L.A. Times resident diversity/race scab picking sob sister Sandy Banks, that I predicted on Monday.

"Kick a Ginger Day" leaves a bitter lesson.


Sandy, you can put me in the prank that went to far camp.

Three dudes in cock grabbing contest.

Well duh.

When it comes to curiosity about the fair sex men start early.  

Headline:

All men watch porn, scientists find.

Researchers at the University of Montreal were trying to conduct a study on the views of non-porn watching men in their 20's to their bleary-eyed peers with the sore foreskins.  Uh-oh.  FAIL.  They couldn't find any men who didn't indulge in at least some prurient smut.   Since this was a youngish crowd around 90% of the porn was of the online variety.

And variety is the name of the game with us isn't it guys?  Hard wired and a constant battle. (See Woods, Tiger.)  The good news for women is that the scientists found that none of the men were negatively affected in their sexuality by what they watched.  As a matter of fact, men usually only watch pornography that reinforces what they already like and discard stuff that they find offensive or distasteful.  The mens' relationships with their female partners were also not affected.

So basically, the Canadian taxpayer paid for a study to find that men watch porn because they like to see women all naked and doing sex stuff.  Whew,  I'm glad we got that one clarified.

See, Mrs. Funeral Guy.  It's science.

Moral preening on a monumental scale. (Rant of the day.)

And yes I know George Bush did this too.

Yes, I know that it's World's AIDS Day.  No, I don't hate People with AIDS (PWA's.  See I know the acronym) anymore than I hate breast cancer women, domestic violence victims or Earth Day.  (OK, well maybe I do hate Earth Day.)

What I hate are the stupid ribbons.  I really thought that we were done with this and truth be told I don't see them as much as I used to.  Good thing, that.  What I dislike is the symbolism of all these ribbons.  First of all, what are you saying when you wear a "cause" ribbon?  I CARE,  I REALLY, REALLY CARE.   : (  AND I HAVE THE SADS FOR PEOPLE AFFLICTED WITH (fill in the blank)  OK.  So what does that do for the people afflicted with whatever?  I'll tell you.  For them, nothing.  What you're doing is just walking around with your hand invisibly patting yourself on the back.  

If you care about a cause, give money or give time.  And don't advertise.  Charity is best done in secret.  It's better for your soul that way.

Somebody patch that hole in the woodwork. Tiger Woods's skanks are starting to come out.

Tiger needs to drop that "s" off his last name 'cause that man's got wood and how!  And I'm not talking 'bout that club that gets him off the tee.  I'm talking 'bout the club that gets off on the T & A.  (God, how much fun is this!)

Jaimee Grubbs.

(On left.  Not the one with the huge tits and the tattoo.)

When Tiger prowls from his sweet wife he 

obviously likes a gal with a few miles on her.

You knew this had to happen.  Another front in the Tiger Woods whore war has opened up.  Another young lovely by the name of Jaimee Grubbs has revealed that she also hooky-uppied with the (alleged) walking boner of the golf links.  Jaimee, a twenty-four year old COCKtail waitress claims she has some 300 text messages from Tiger, some of them quite steamy.  Ohhh, lemmee see, lemmee see.   Jaimee, also informs Us Weekly that she and her Tiger did the dirty 20 times!  She must have had to take off her shoes to finish that count, eh?  Ms. Grubbs (love that surname) was also a participant in some TV show called Tool Academy.  I gotta admit I'm in the dark on this one.  What the fuck is a Tool Academy?  I'm not going to Google.  I'm just going to guess.  Tool Academy is a school for strumpets where they learn the best way to play with a guy's tool.  Well, Jaimee must have graduated with honors since she allegedly ended up in the sack with the World's Richest Athlete.  (20 times!!!!!!  She counted!!!!)

Rachel Uchitel doing her Duck Lip pose in a Guido sandwich.

I don't know what Tiger would see in her other than 

the ability to suck a golf ball through a garden hose. 

Meanwhile, when last seen Rachel Uchitel was still demurely denying any involvement with the Woodster.  Now that Miss Tool Academy has crawled out the the confessional can Rachel hold out as a paragon of all the virtues?  I'm guessing not.  If she doesn't hurry she may find herself at the end of a very long line of fuck-and-tell sleazebuckets and the tabloids only have so much money to pay for the same old story.