It's like Netflix...only dildoes!!!

Update:  After further clicking around the site (I was at work when I first checked this out) I'm realizing this is bullshit.  Too bad.  It's funny as a fake.  It would have been hysterical if true.


From tbird (of course)  Not a parody.  Link here.

Would you like a little AIDS with that dildo?  

I think some things are better purchased than rented.

In their FAQ this is naturally the first question:

How do you keep the toys clean and safe?
We've developed a patent-pending process for thoroughly cleaning each toy before it is sent out to a customer. Our extensive research and testing indicate that this will allow us to provide safe, hygienic sex toys without the fear of transmission of disease. Customers who are still concerned about safety can simply use a condom or other latex barrier with each toy.


How much are you going to trust an online (as the quaint term used to be) marital aid rental outfit? 


Yeah, me neither. 

Science reveals fruit bats may be having more fun than you.

Yes, it's true.   Scientists have found that two thirds of female short nosed fruit bats give blowjobs to their male partners.  (No info on whether they take their little furry claw hand and stroke Mr. Fruit Bat's ballsack during the knob polish.)

Researchers found that the reward for Lady Fruit Bat was a longer bout of intercourse following the oral.  The fellators got four minutes of sexy time instead of the usual two.  Golly gosh.  Four whole minutes.  Maybe if Mr. Fruit Bat thought about baseball stats during the act it might help with that too-quick-on-the-trigger problem.

I was interested to learn that in addition to the fruit bats and humans (and you know some of you girls could try a little harder) bonobo chimpanzees are the only other species that will go for that little extra spice in the boudoir.

Frans de Waal, a primatologist at Emory University speculates there may be more animals smoking the pole, but the prudishness of researchers is stifling the research.

Prudish?  Does that even exist anymore?  These scientists need to sit down and watch a few episodes of Rock of Love.

Added bonus.  Fruit bat porn.

Dead.

John Allen Muhammed
aka The DC Sniper

Spree Killer

Dec. 31, 1960-Nov. 10, 2009  
9:11PM EST

(Age 48)

Killed 10.

If he'd have committed these crimes here in California he could have lived to a ripe old age on Death Row and Paris would have eventually named a street after him, but c'est la vie.  Have fun in in Eternal Hell, fucker.

From lethal injection.  (They should have done that little shit Lee Boyd Malvo right after him.)

Honey?? I'm in the bathroom. Will you come here a minute? I need you to take a look at this.

Here is a joke I heard when I was a lad.

Teenage boy and girl are walking through the woods.

Boy says to girl:  Will you lift up your dress so I can see what's under there?

Girl:  OK.  (Lifts dress, boy looks.)

Boy:  Sure is a wonder!  (they walk a little farther.)

Boy:  Will you lift up your dress again and let me have another look?

Girl:  OK.  (Lifts dress, boy looks again.)

Boy:  Wow...It sure is a wonder!  (They keep walking with the scenario repeating a couple of more times.)

Girl:  You keep wanting to see under there.  What in the Sam Hill is such a wonder?

Boy:  It sure is a wonder that your guts don't fall out!!

Hahahahahahahaha!   Okay, not that great but when you're ten it's a hoot.

That was a long way to go to get to the gist of this post, but here goes.  tbird is concerned that there's been way too much penis stuff on The Funeral Guy so, ladies, he sent this for you.

First, a confession.  In the course of my duties at the funeral home, I have to tell you that I've seen just about everything.  Heads blown off by shotguns, bodies completely mangled in accidents, people that were decomposing for three weeks, horrible cancers, you name it.  You get to the point where you look at it and go..."hmmm, interesting...I wonder where I should go for lunch."  My little secret is that medical procedures and some conditions really have the power to make me straight out woozy.

So when I went to tbird's link and saw the headline--Woman's Health Horror: "My Vagina Fell Out." I asked Mrs. Funeral Guy to get me the smelling salts....STAT!!!!

To make a long story short, Allison Henry had a vaginal prolapse and then some.  (Now, I've seen Blooper Porn where some slag is getting anal and her ass falls out.  Gross, but hey, you brought that on yourself, dearie.  That's an outie not an innie.)  Anyway, back to Allison.  You really have to read the whole thing but just to give you the substance of the problem this is what her pelvic floor specialist said upon examination.  And this is a direct quote from the story-her doctor said this to her- "Holy crap--your vagina is falling out of your body, and it's dragging your bladder and your rectum along with it!"   Wow.  Great bedside manner, Doc.  That should keep the patient nice and calm.

I'll let you ladies pour over the lurid details of this woman's ordeal, and at this time I will also say--

WARNING.  MEN---DO NOT READ THIS ARTICLE.  THIS IS NOT AN IMAGE YOU WANT IN YOUR HEAD.  EVEN WITHOUT PICTURES THIS IS A HORROR BEYOND IMAGINING.  SERIOUSLY.   IF YOU EVER WANT TO LOOK AT YOUR LADY'S  SWEET LITTLE YUM YUM AGAIN UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL...DO NOT READ THIS!

The most amazing part of this woman's story is that after all these numerous surgeries to put her guts back up into her body she said (I really had to pick myself up off the floor after this one) "On top of this, I had a labia reduction, and that was brutal..."

So, just to back up the bus a bit.  Her vagina's falling out, her rectum is falling out, her bladder is falling out.  With all the pain and horror of having to have it all put back inside, her final request is, "You know doc?  While you're down there I'd really like to have me one of those nice little porn star pussies.  Fix me up, will ya'?"

God.  I need to lie down.

Allison Henry.  
Too Much Information or not enough conditioner?  

 Women sure are a sharing bunch aren't they?  She almost craps out her bladder, her hoo-hoo and her dumper, then writes an article about it and includes her picture.  That way if you ever meet her you can bring up the subject right away, while at the same time wondering how cute her new little minky looks.

You will never...and I repeat...never see a picture of a man accompanying an article with the title---

Man's Health Horror..."My Dick Fell Off."

Fate's Fickle Finger Crashes Carrie's Christian Career.

I've always told my daughter two things.  Never get a tattoo that you can't hide under summer office clothing and never let a boyfriend/husband or whatever point any kind of camera at you while you're wearing anything less than a bathing suit.  Do a CIA type sweep of the bedroom if you have to.

Carrie Prejean's 15 minutes are over for the time being at least.  (Previous comments here.)  While at a settlement conference with the pageant poobahs Carrie got smacked with the ultimate trump card.  The pageant's attorney hit the play button on the TV and by all accounts there was our little Carrie strumming her love button and performing what is known in the porn biz as a "solo act."  According to TMZ (which along with the National Enquirer is more reliable in these matters than the now irrelevent New York Times) it took about 15 seconds before Carrie's millions went flying out the window and the settlement shrunk to $100,000 in lawyers fees.  I suppose it goes without saying that her stock with the Christian community has cratered faster than GM before the bailout.   She's already been dropped from one family values event and the rest of the dominoes are sure to follow.

I imagine the tape is kind of like this.  Only without the top.  And without the bottom.  And she's lying down.  And her eyes are kind of half closed and she's licking her moist lips and...and...say?...is it getting a little warm in here?  

Because of confidentiality agreements some of this stuff seems a little murky to me.  Some reports say the tape was taken by a boyfriend.  (I told 'ya girls!)  TMZ is not posting the tape because it's too racy.  Uh, yeah, it's not called porn for nothing, TMZ.  I'm sure it will turn up eventually as these things always do.  (Will I watch it when it does?  I feel that it's my duty to my readers to report.  So, yes, you betcha'.)

TMZ is also reporting today that just to make it a grand slam, when the tape was played Carrie's mom was also in the room.  Ouch!  Your mom catching you masturbate.  Carrie, darlin', a 13 year old Funeral Guy can relate.

So here's my take on this whole thing.   Carrie seems like a nice enough girl.  God knows she's shit hot. Without that magic question from that slimy douchebag Perez Hilton, Carrie Prejean would be less than a footnote.  She would probably have modeled for a few more years.  After that; marriage, 2.5 kids and a scrapbook with "look at how pretty mommy was" pictures.  But she did get the question.  She answered it as honestly and articulately as she could.  (An answer that our Dear Leader The Bamster supposedly agrees with, let's not forget.  But like everything else he says nobody really believes it.)  So down on her head comes the vast armies of the politically correct.  They made her famous.  Then the other side gave her a platform and she ran with it.  You don't involve yourself with beauty pageants and modeling because you're anti-fame.

Which brings us to the crash and burn.  She had to know that the tape was out there.  Then as we humans are wont to do she goes into denial sure that it will never show up.  Kids (OK-young adults) aren't any stupider than their parents were they just have the disadvantage of every electronic device made these days having a camera as a feature.   So it's easy to be either captured unaware during a stupid moment or being drunk enough to have the bad judgement to do it to yourself.   I came of age during the booze, blow and sex-soaked 70's.  Am I glad that the portable video device hadn't been invented yet?  Sure am.

I'm not too worried about Carrie, though.  She's gonna be fine.  Hell, we had a president that was exposed (tee hee) as a guy who was getting a knob polish by an intern half his age and a week later was standing at a podium giving the State of the Union address.  This is a forgiving country.

I'll be looking forward to her giving us all a leg show as a Fox News Babe in about 6 months.

Will the last person with a sense of humor in Great Britain please turn off the lights.

They must be having a contest for what country is the most stifling, insufferable  example of political correctness.  Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a winner.  It's Great Britain or shall we call it once Great Britain.

Benny Hill.  Sleazy purveyor of porn 
and harassment in the workplace. 

Shown here with a bevy of his poor victims 
of a hostile work environment.

Like our illustrious post office Britain's postal service (called The Royal Mail) picks stamps to commemorate certain aspects of British life.  This time they were looking to honor the 50th anniversary of ITV, and who better to be the face of ITV than Benny Hill whose program ran on ITV for 20 years.  For those of you that may be unaware Benny Hill was a rotund comedian who made a career out of skits that for the most part had one punchline. That punchline was that some comely lass would somehow end up in her underwear.  And at the end of the show Benny would usually be chased by a gaggle of comely lasses in, yes, their underwear.  That's it.  The humor was somewhere on the level of The Three Stooges, but as the Brits usually describe it...saucy.

Saucy, eh?  Well, that was all a little too much for the thin-lipped humorless drudges at The Royal Mail committee.  It was thumbs down for Benny.  The official reason?   "Benny Hill had been included in previous presentations but concerns were raised by our Public Relations team as it was in direct opposition to company's policies on harassment in the workplace."  The language of joy killing bureaucrats everywhere.

Coming soon to a country near you. 

Now Benny Hill may not be everyone's cup of tea.  My taste in British humor runs to Monty Python's Flying Circus and Fawlty Towers but Benny Hill is much beloved over there and believe me if The Benny Hill Show is too saucy to rate a postage stamp then something like Friends is hard core porn.

There really are people in this world that live in dire fear that someone, somewhere may be having a good time.

Here's a little taste of Benny Hill.  Watch it if you dare.  Or while you still can.

The Road to Serfdom continues apace.

San Fran Nan.  Bestower of all gifts. 

 Paid for with someone else's money.

Nancy "You Could Bounce A Dime Off My Face" Pelosi, convinced enough of her caucus to walk the plank in 2010 to pass a healthcare bill in the dead of Saturday night that no one read or could possibly understand if they did.  One Republican voted for it.  This will be hailed by The Bamster as bipartisan.

Next step is the Senate where we will see how many Senators want to keep their cushy jobs and perks.  To those of you who voted for this Hopey Changey circus, when your kids futures are stifled because of the confiscatory taxes needed to pay for this monstrosity, don't complain.  When your mom is told at 70 she's too old for a triple bypass, those of us who saw this coming don't want to hear any bitching.

But rest assured, your congress critters and your big lib Hollywood celebs won't be getting the same DMV health care you will.

Fuck you, Little People.

Died on this date:

Steve McQueen

Actor

March 24, 1930-Nov. 7, 1980

(Age 50)

If James Dean was the quintessence of "cool" in the 1950's Steve McQueen took over the title in the 60's and 70's.  Steve McQueen had a boyish quality while at the same time projected a masculine anti-hero type.  One of a kind, to be sure.  Steve had leading roles in some of my favorite movies from the period.  The Magnificent Seven, Soldier in the Rain, The Sand Pebbles, The Cincinnati Kid, Nevada Smith, Bulitt, Papillon and many more.

Steve's coolness became such a part of the culture a movie titled The Tao of Steve came out in 2000 starring Donal Logue as a personable schlub that scored with chicks by employing the essence of McQueen's coolness.  Good little indie flick.

Steve McQueen's death was not without controversy.  Diagnosed with mesothelioma in 1979, Steve sought non-traditional treatment in Mexico by a total quack who utilized coffee enemas, shampoos, injections of sheep and cow cells, massage and laetrile.   When he got back to the states his US doctors informed him his tumors had gotten so large that he wouldn't survive surgery to remove them.  He went back to Mexico to have the surgery done and died of heart failure the day after.

Some people will go to extreme lengths to escape the Grim Reaper.  For me, the words Mexico and medical treatment would tell me all I'd need to know.

Mike, Julie and the Strange Saga of the Burning Baby Batter.

My discerning reader tbird has been googling penis again scouring the interwebs for interesting stories and has come up with another one.

Newlyweds Mike and Julie Boyde threw contraceptive caution to the wind on their wedding night and went bareback for the first time in their two year relationship.  (Mike, you're a stronger man than I.  The Funeral Guy has always hated rubbers with a passion.  In a manner of speaking.)   Just to make a point of correction: the article states that Mike and Julie wanted to "consummate their union on their wedding night."  I don't know if this is a direct quote but regret to inform Mike and Julie that, strictly speaking, the union was consummated during the first fucky time.  Not the first time without the penis hat.

Anyway, I digress.  By all indications everything went as expected (although better for Mike, I bet) until the climactic blowing of the load.  And then.  Owweeeeeee!!!  Burny burny!!!   Instant gonorrhea perhaps?   Penicillin can take care of that, Missy, this is worse.  It turns out that it's not Mike.  Though how cool would it be to have Spunk of Fire?  Kind of like being Satan, I bet.  No, the problem is that Julie suffers from some malady that actually has a name.  Seminal plasma hypersensitivity.   Which besides the burning, hives, and blisters also kills Mikey's little squiggly swimmers what makes da chilluns.  So adoption is in the future for our unlucky young newlyweds.

I know a lot of you are saying, "OK, Funeral Guy.  We have a lot of fun here, but this is too much.  Making sport of what I'm sure is a very nice young couple who happen to have a rare tragic condition."  My answer to that would be that in a day not so far in the past you would have kept this kind of thing to yourself.  But since it appears that they had no saner heads around them to advise against it, these two went on a TV show called Strange Sex to tell us all about it.  So as far as The Funeral Guy is concerned...Ready, Aim, Sploosh.

Mike and Julie Boyde. 
 Mike has a pretty big smile on his face for a guy that's 
going to be wearing a jizz bag for his entire marriage. 

Muslim U.S. Army Major kills 13, wounds 30. Nation mobilizes to make sure no Muslim feelings are hurt.

This is one of those posts where I should probably count to ten before I hit the publish button.  Reams of ink and bandwidth have been spent on this story so there is no reason to really recap the details.  


My main concern is the reaction to events.  Not that I'm surprised by the denials of the obvious but that the denials of the obvious are now so predictable.  


Let's just do a partial recap of some of the horrors perpetrated by Islamic terrorists over the last eight years.  (These are just some of the more famous ones. For a more extensive list go here.)


9/11.  Muslim terrorists fly planes into the world trade center killing almost 3000 people on American soil. 
Bali nightclub bombings. 202 dead, 300 injured.
Train bombings in Madrid, Spain.  191 Dead, 1460 injured. 
The London Subway bombings.  53 dead, 700 injured.  
Mumbai India train bombings.  209 dead, 700 injured. 
Another terrorist attack in Mumbai with armed gunmen killing 174.
Throw in "honor killings" in Britain, Canada and the United States and, by golly, I'm beginning to see a pattern here and peaceful religion, it ain't. 


And now the latest.  Nadil Malik Hasan, a U. S. Army Major, goes berserk, screaming "Allahu Akbar" and opening fire with two handguns, killing 13 and wounding 30. This was after the Army knew he was posting screeds on the internet about US aggression against Muslims and expressing sympathy for suicide bombing.  Not to mention in his capacity as an Army psychiatrist he was spreading his pro jihad poison to the soldiers that he was treating.  I won't even bring up the convenience store video of Hasan shopping in full muslim garb.  

Nidal Malik Hasan.  Crazed, murderous Islamic terrorist.  Who with malice aforethought shot to death 12 of his fellow soldiers and 1 civilian security officer. 
Nidal Malik Hasan.  Innocent muslim soldier seduced by American gun culture who was sold defective pistols that went off by themselves accidently killing 13.  NRA and lax Texas gun laws are blamed.  Congress to call for hearings. 


And what have we been hearing from the lame brain libs like Chris Matthews and the New York Times editorial board?  Why, how important it is to find out his motive, of course.  Are you shitting me?   OK, I'll say it.  He was a muslim and he hated infidels so he ginned up his own personal jihad and killed as many of them as he could.  There's your motive.  That wasn't so hard was it?   I am so sick of the reaction after any terrorist attack when the same old script gets trotted out.  First, the FBI or some other Homeland Security apparatchik says, "we have no evidence that this had any connection with terrorism."  This 10 minutes after the incident.  Second, some political leader, usually the president, says something along the lines that "this doesn't reflect in any way on Islam."  (Bush was the worst with this load of crap.  Every time I heard him robotically repeat that "Islam is a religion of peace" bullshit I wanted to throw something at the TV.)  Third, a muslim leader or group (CAIR please stand up) will issue a statement with a brief show of sympathy for the victims and then will start in on a long litany of grievances about how muslims are discriminated against with the usual blame-it-all-on-Israel boilerplate.  Shit, you could set your watch by it.  


By the way, why is it that we never see crowds of muslims marching and carrying signs that say things like.  "Not In Our Name"  and "We Don't Believe in Jihad" and "We Love America and We're Americans First".   There are supposedly 4 million muslims in this country.  Where is the mass outcry from them about the supposed takeover of their religion by crazy fanatics?  (Cue sound of crickets...chirp chirp.)  


What's particularly disheartening about this particular episode is how frozen by political correctness even our armed forces have become.  This sad sack shitbag should have been 86'd the first time it became evident that he considered himself a promoter of Islamic ideology rather than an officer in the US Army. But no, that would have been discriminatory, wouldn't it?  (Your tax dollars paid thousands for his medical education, by the way.)  


So after it's all over we all go back into our little cocoon and hope that it doesn't happen again.  Which it always does and the whole thing starts over again.  


Here are some pictures of the only religion that says.  "If you deny that Islam is a religion of peace or make cartoons about us, we will kill you."  

At least if you're wearing a burka it takes 

some of the sting out of being hit by a stick. 

The madrassa dropout rate?  0%

No ambiguity here.

This guy is the Zelig of Islam.  

He's at so many protests 

he's been nicknamed "Islamic Rage Boy"

Note from TFG.  For some reason when I pull photos from certain sites it fucks with the post and gives me this weird font size.   My computer skills are limited and I can't figure out how to fix it.  I guess you can hit that increase the font size thingy if you want or put on some glasses.